Digital Exercises

Just a place for me to keep my fingers from getting rusty.

[digitalexercises]

AREA CENTAUR REALIZES HE IS UNABLE TO MASTURBATE, SPIRALS INTO DEPRESSION

by Johann Hamilton

FOLOI OAK FOREST, ELIS - Thereus, a 17-year-old centaur from southern Greece, is in poor spirits today after the disheartening revelation that, being a centaur, he will never be able to masturbate.

The startling realization came as a result of Thereus's refusal to remain within the confines of his village, despite several warnings from the Village Elders. The Elders, who begin teaching young centaurs their ways starting around age 4, are the highest authority in all of Elis, and are seldom disobeyed.  

"We centaurs are a proud race, and have only one commandment handed down by the gods themselves," said the clan's Alpha, Chrysanthos. "And that is to never leave the village. We have everything we need here: food, water, shelter. There's no telling what could be outside our boundaries, and I'm sure whatever happened to young Thereus, he deserved it."

Thereus, who left the village at approximately 3 p.m. Monday afternoon, allegedly came across a young man pleasuring himself near the outskirts of the forest at around 3:45 p.m., and had reportedly, "never even thought that doing it yourself was a possibility."

"I can't believe this," said a visibly upset Thereus. "I mean, not only are there creatures out there that are half centaur and half - something else -,but they can use their own hands to produce Life Nectar? How is that fair? Why would Zeus create us with our penises so far away from our hands? Have we done something wrong? Have we not served the gods faithfully throughout the millennia?"

Thereus returned to his village at dusk, at which time he was met by Cleisthenes, a friend of his who had been aiding in the search effort. According to Cleisthenes, Thereus appeared "distracted," "not at all himself," and "as though he had seen something he could never truly come back from."

"He's usually really energetic and talkative," explained Cleisthenes. "But when I greeted him, he just kind of slumped past me, muttering something about the meaninglessness of life."

"And when I asked him what he saw outside of the village, he just said that if he told me, our relationship would never be the same," he added.

At press time, Thereus was seen locked in his hut, sobbing while attempting in vain to reach his hindquarters. He was unable to be reached for further comment. 

[digitalexercises]

GRAMMAR POLICE TO CRACK DOWN ON LANGUAGE MISUSE

"WE'RE TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE A JOKE," SAY OFFICIALS

by Johann Hamilton

BREAKING - They're mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore.

Established in 1951 shortly after the publication of "The Catcher in the Rye," the Grammar Police was created for a self-explanatory purpose: to identify those persons guilty of committing grammatical errors in published works and, more recently, public forums on the internet, and bringing those individuals to justice.

However, after decades of not being taken seriously, the GP have decided to perform a complete overhaul of their operations and crack down on grammatical inefficiency in the United States and parts of lower Canada.

"Enough is enough," said GP Chief Alexander Suess, one of many illegitimate children of the world-renowned Theodor Suess Geisel, better known as Dr. Suess. "We're tired of people treating us like a joke, and like we don't have the authority to take action against people who abuse the English language. We're not going to stand for it anymore."

Among the increased sanctions being issued by the GP include a $1500 fine for the misuse of homonyms such as "it's and its," and "there, they're, and their," and a nonnegotiable 30-day prison sentence for using an idiom or expression incorrectly.

"For example, we no longer to hear people saying things like, 'I could care less,' or, 'We minus well go to such-and-such.' Same goes for, 'All intention purposes.'" explained Suess.

"If you're not sure how the phrase goes, then just don't say it. It's as simple as that," he added. "Well, unless you've got $1500 or 30 days to throw away, in which case do whatever you want."

The backlash from the United States' pre-teen and teenage population has been monumental, with many calling the harshened penalties "unfair" and "totally lame." However, the GP has responded to these claims by stating in a press release that they didn't feel as though their new policies were anything a human being of average intelligence and minimal schooling wouldn't be able to handle.

"We gave people a break by not criminalizing the misuse of 'who' and 'whom,' said Deputy Commissioner John Kensington. "Because seriously, I don't think anyone fully understands that shit." 

[digitalexercises]

ELDERLY CHINESE MAN SLOWS TO AN ALMOST COMPLETE STOP AT GREEN LIGHT

by Johann Hamilton

FLUSHING - Chinatown resident Haomin Xang recently went from 60 to 3 miles per hour at a green light on the corner of Roosevelt Avenue and 32nd Street, slowing traffic to a crawl and frustrating those behind him.

"Just fucking go!" exclaimed Jeffrey Mulvihill, who was already running late for his business meeting at Citibank. “The light is fucking green, why would you stop?! Fucking go, asshole!"

"Y’know, it’s shit like this, I swear to God," he added.

Xang, who received his drivers license in 1972, recently retired from his job as a cashier at Wong’s Hot n’ Spicy Chinese Kitchen, a position he has held for the past 30 years.

"I don’t understand what I did wrong," Xang explained. “I saw the green light and I said to myself, ‘I better slow down just in case the light turns yellow, I don’t wanna get in any trouble."

This is not the first time Xang’s driving have landed him in the public spotlight. In 1993, Xang was put under severe public criticism after refusing to proceed at a 4-way stop sign, despite arriving there six minutes before anyone else.

"Better safe than sorry," Xang told reporters at the time.

Public outcry against the Chinatown resident has since reached the national level, with many calling Xang’s actions “fucking bullshit," as well as “the reason we need to start mandating the deportment of the elderly to an island somewhere."

At press time, Xang was seen severely holding up traffic while he attempted to maneuver a K-turn on the Grand Central Parkway after missing his exit a few miles back.

[digitalexercises]

"IT'S 5 O CLOCK SOMEWHERE" NO LONGER ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY AREA STUDENT'S BLATANT ALCOHOLISM

by Johann Hamilton

BOSTON - Boston College student Frank Matthews, known to his peers as "Frank the Tank," may be in need of a new catchphrase.

According to classmates, Matthews, 23,  has been displaying destructive behavior since his breakup with Beth Johnson, his girlfriend of several months. Following the breakup, Matthews has been regularly consuming copious amounts of alcohol earlier and earlier in the day, and has been justifying these habits with the popular phrase, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."

"I can't say I don't feel bad," explained Johnson. "It's not easy watching someone basically kill themselves because you broke up with them. But y'know, whatev. I'm over it."

Although his increased drinking habits coupled with his catchphrase began as a sort of "running gag" among his friends, they gradually became concerned for Matthews' health after noticing him taking shots of Svedka at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

"Sure, it was a little funny at first," said Matthews' roommate Michael Cooper. "He'd crack open a beer around 3:30 or 4 on a Wednesday and say, 'Ah, well, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!' And we'd all laugh, and y'know, cut him a little bit of slack, right? After all, everybody goes through breakups."

"But at the same time, they broke up like, two years ago," Cooper added.

Matthews, whose family history includes multiple instances of alcoholism, recently began replacing his afternoon 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best Ice with a 750 mL bottle of Vlad, a brand of vodka popular among college students. This change, according to Matthews, is purely for financial reasons.

"No, no, it's not that I need something stronger than beer," said Matthews at press time, discreetly taking a large swig out of his flask. "It's just way cheaper, that's all. I mean, I know most people don't polish off a bottle at noon, but hey, it's 5 o' clock somewhere right? Hey, did you guys hear me? I said 'it's 5 o' clock somewhere.' Get it?"

Despite increasing criticism from his friends, Matthews insists that he has no problem with alcohol abuse, and that he doesn't drink any more than the average college student. However, studies conducted by the Board of Student Health suggest that Matthews consumes almost six times as much alcohol in one day than the average student consumes in one week.

When confronted with this information, Matthews retorted by calling the BSH's survey system "flawed" and "bullshit, though."

[digitalexercises]

DESPITE BEST EFFORTS, NSA STILL UNABLE TO SEE WHY KIDS LOVE CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH

by Johann Hamilton

Sources close to the National Security Agency confirmed today that it has so far failed in its primary objective: to see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Keith Alexander, the current Director of the NSA, had this to say:

"Yes, it's true we've been reading your emails and logging the occasional phone call for our records. But I assure you, any information not directly relating to discovering why children particularly favor the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch will be discarded as soon as a satisfactory conclusion has been reached."

According to Alexander, the search for answers has been going on since at least 1995, when the breakfast cereal adopted the slogan, "the taste you can see." Taking this as a direct challenge, the NSA has been focusing almost 100 percent of its resources into discovering why, despite the ready availability of other popular sugary cereals such as Frosted Flakes and Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs, children can't seem to get enough of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

"You'd think they'd prefer Reese's Puffs," said Alexander. "One bite of it and all of a sudden you're spinning in a rush of peanut butter and chocolatey taste. Why can't that be enough for them?"

The NSA has also attempted tapping into the minds of young children, after they received an anonymous tip that the secret behind the popular cereal was something adults were physically unable to witness. Ashley Benaim, 14, has been in NSA custody for eight years, and has been consistently denied freedom until she can provide the organization with answers.

"I really don't know how else to explain it," pleaded Benaim. "It's just...there's cinnamon sugar swirls on every bite. Please, let me go, I miss my family so much."

However, despite Benaim's heartbreaking pleas for help, NSA officials are determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, no matter what the cost.

"I swear to God, I will not leave this agency in a worse condition than when I found it," added Alexander. "I'm going to find out why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or I'm going to fucking die trying."  

[digitalexercises]

BET AWARDS HELD, SOMEHOW GO SMOOTHLY

by Johann Hamilton

The BET Awards took place Sunday night, and, in a shocking turn of events, went according to plan, disappointing thousands of viewers nationwide.

Black Entertainment Television, a channel crucial to the reinforcement of stereotypes pertaining to African Americans, successfully held their annual awards ceremony at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles, baffling experts who were certain that "no good can come of this."

"It's a little disappointing, honestly," said Da'qim Wilson, who was watching the ceremony at his friend's apartment in Canarsie. "You hear 'the BET Awards" and you're like 'Oh man, I can't wait to see how far back this will set us,' y'know? But instead everyone was really well-behaved. Kendrick Lamar in particular gave a fine performance."

"I just don't understand what went wrong," he added. "Everything seemed perfect."

The ceremony, hosted by Chris Tucker, seemed certain to fall prey to escalating misunderstandings and result in the shame of African Americans all over the world, although neither took place. When asked to comment, Tucker morosely concluded that he "knew something was off as soon as he walked in."

"Was Kanye here tonight? Maybe that's what we were missing." he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Unfortunately, the BET Awards would appear to be the last bastion of hope for those wishing to see recording artists of color make fools of themselves in a public setting. The alternative, the now-defunct Source Awards, have not been aired in over ten years due to repeated instances of celebrities disrespecting and, in some cases, engaging in physical altercations with each other.

"I remember back in '95, when Suge Knight got up on stage and insulted Puff," reminisced President Barack Obama, smiling fondly. "Or when the Source Awards got banned from Pasadena in 2000. Those were the days."

When reached for comment, CEO of BET Debra Lee stated that a task force had already been formed to figure out why things went so smoothly, and will be working around the clock until she is certain this will not happen again.

"We'll just have to try again next year," Lee said.

[digitalexercises]

NUDE ROSIE O'DONNELL PHOTOS LEAK ONLINE, NO ONE CARES

by Johann Hamilton

 A series of nude photographs depicting actress and comedienne Rosie O'Donnell was leaked onto the internet last week, sources say. There are, however, no eyewitness reports of said pictures, because no one has bothered to check.

O'Donnell, 51, claims to have no knowledge of the album of nudes uploaded onto the popular image hosting website Imgur.com, nor of the user who uploaded them, XODefinitelyNotRosieXO.

"Nope, definitely no idea where those came from," O'Donnell said at press time. "I mean, they're pretty flattering pictures, though, don't you think? They really bring out - oh, you haven't seen them? Do you want to? I mean, I can show yo - no, that's alright, I understand."

The album reportedly consists of approximately 357 photographs of the nude actress, many of which involve her posing with what sources say are inflatable dolls of former president George W. Bush and actor Tom Cruise. However, the accuracy of this information may be questionable, as all of our information comes from an anonymous letter sent to our offices by someone referring to themselves as, "Seriously I'm Not Rosie O'Donnell If That's What You're Thinking."

"It's not that we can't check for ourselves to see what the pictures look like," said analyst Stephen Thomas. "The pictures are all up there on her website, www.rosie.com/ohmygodhowdidthesegethere. But at the same time, it's just like...ugh, y'know?"

Some have accused O'Donnell of taking and uploading the pictures herself in order to revitalize her career and boost herself back into the spotlight. However, O'Donnell vehemently denies these allegations.

"What? Me? No!" she said. "I'm fine! My career....is fine....I'm fine....I'm fine."

O'Donnell added that she really hopes no one leaks a sex tape of her any time in the near future, although, in her words, "these kinds of things happen all the time, so I guess what I'm saying is to keep an eye out."

[digitalexercises]

Nation Finds Out KKKs Best Friend Is Black, Past Crimes Now Excusable

by Johann Hamilton

During a press conference late Wednesday afternoon in Washington, a spokesman for the Ku Klux Klan revealed that the organization's best friend is actually of African American descent, thus rendering all of their actions - past, present, and future - totally okay.

"We realize that some of the things we've done in the past may have seemed controversial," the anonymous spokesman said. "But we realize now that the reason they may have seemed that way was because we omitted to mention that our best friend, Grant Johnson, is 100% African American. Hopefully this clears up any misunderstandings we may have had."

The news came as a shock to everyone, particularly those in the black community.

"I had no idea!" said local resident Tyrone Little. "And to think, this whole time...wow. I had these guys all wrong."

The Klan, which was founded in 1865 and rose to prominence in the mid-1920s, was dedicated to suppressing the rights of African Americans and other non-white, non-Protestants living in the United States. However, controversies began to arise when the organization began using violence to demonstrate their disapproval of these non-white peoples, and further shadow was cast on the Klan when they were consistently found responsible for terrorist acts such as the bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham in 1963. However, despite being responsible for the deaths of hundreds, if not thousands, of African Americans alone, the Ku Klux Klan's status as a racially-motivated terrorist organization will almost surely be lifted with the emergence of their latest statement.

"I honestly don't know how we didn't think to mention it before," the spokesman continued. "We were seriously all sitting around wondering like, 'Why's everyone always giving us such a hard time? We're just trying to help out, and Grant doesn't seem to have any problem with it.' That's when it hit us. You guys didn't even know we were cool with him like that! What a silly mistake on our part, we really must apologize for not letting you know sooner. That must have been really confusing."

The spokesman's words were met with laughter and nods of agreement from the audience, with many audience members chuckling to themselves and wondering aloud how they hadn't noticed Johnson's friendship with the Klan sooner.

"Now that I think about it, old Grant was always hanging out with those boys," recalled senior resident Denise Wesley. "Yes, I remember plenty o' nights I'd see him sittin' down the road with 'em, chopping down trees and carvin' the wood into all sorts o' funny shapes. Said they were buildin' crucifixes or somethin'. So sweet of them to think about our Lord in these dark times."

Regardless of past deeds, President Barack Obama has openly embraced the Ku Klux Klan after hearing this news, and hopes that any awkwardness between them and the country would now be resolved.

"Now, let's be clear," he said in a private interview. "The United States has never, does not, and will never tolerate terrorism in any shapes, forms, or sizes. We have been wrong to persecute the members of the Ku Klux Klan based on their beliefs, and  it is my hope that both the Klan and Grant Johnson can find it in their hearts to forgive us."

Johnson was unable to be reached for comment. When asked for his whereabouts, the Klan's spokesman replied cryptically that Johnson was "hanging out somewhere."

[digitalexercises]

What? Again?! No. I'm Done.

by Super Mario

You must be joking. There's no way. Are you being serious right now? No, you can't be serious. Seriously? Wow, no. Fuck this. I'm done.

No, you listen! This is the thirteenth time. The thirteenth time! If you think I'm gonna get up off my- shut up! - if you really think I'm going to get up off my ass again to rescue this goddamn princess then you've got another thing coming. Did I mention that this is the thirteenth time? No. Just no. You go do it if you care so much. I'm done.

Luigi? Ha! If he had the stones to rescue that whore he would've done it a long ti - what? Of course she's a whore! You don't get kidnapped this many fucking times by the same dude without having something to do with it. She's bangin' him! There's no way she's not banging him! I mean it's not like they ask for ransom money, so we know the dude has no intentions of bringing her back. They're fucking each other! And y'know what? That's okay. Because I don't give a shit anymore, I really don't.

No, I was supposed to be a hero back in 1980-fucking-5. That's when I was supposed to be a hero. Don't you realize that every game I've been in since then has more or less been the same fucking thing? I was only programmed to be the hero in the first game, after that people just started putting me in more and more shit and assuming I would do the same thing; rescue the goddamn princess. And y'know what? I did it. I did it on good faith! I did it on the assumption that after a while it would end! But no. Year after year, if it's not Bowser, it's his inbred son. If it's not his son, it's that ridiculous Count from Super Paper Mario. Who was that even supposed to be? Can you answer that question? No. Of course you can't. Y'know why? Because it's bullshit.

Look, I don't know why you're still here. I told you, Super Mario Galaxy 2 was the last time. I'll do anything else. I'll do anything else. I'll enter the Mortal Kombat Tournament. I'll parachute into the Middle East with those Call of Duty guys. I'll snap dudes' necks with Solid Snake. But there is no -  fucking - way you're getting me off this couch to rescue that goddamn princess for the thirteenth time.I swear to God in heaven I won't do it. Now pass me the remote for the TV and get the fuck out of my face.

[digitalexercises]

Desperate College Graduate Begins Including Red Lobster Gift Cards With Resume

by Johann Hamilton 

After five unsuccessful months searching for an entry-level writing position, Queens resident and recent Penn State graduate Peter Levenstein has resorted to padding his résumé. However, instead of using the traditional methods of exaggerating the lengths of his meager internships and listing "social media" under his skill set, Levenstein has begun including the 16-digit code for Red Lobster gift cards directly underneath his signature.

"Well, it started off as a joke," Levenstein explained. "I was applying to some website I found on Craigslist that seemed pretty casual, so I figured what the hell, may as well take a chance, right? I didn't get the job, but they wrote back and said that although they regretted not being able to hire me, they were 'extremely grateful' for the gift card. So the way I see it, it's only a matter of time until a company is grateful enough to give me a job."

Despite already spending over 200 dollars on Red Lobster gift cards, Levenstein has yet to receive anything more than letters of rejection from his would-be employers, most with a post-script expressing gratitude for the gesture.  

"It really sucks when they don't even thank me for the gift card," Levenstein added. "I'm looking at you, Fox News."

 Levenstein currently has slightly over 500 dollars remaining in his bank account, all of which he plans on dedicating to his new strategy of using Red Lobster to hopefully overshadow his negligible work experience. Although most résumés include a 25 dollar gift card, Levenstein has admittedly gone above and beyond this when applying to more popular employers.

"He really does sound like a nice kid," said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, Inc. and personal recipient of a 200 dollar gift card. "And if he keeps this up he'll definitely send his résumé to the right person sooner or later. But personally, I don't really think it would be wise for me to hire a kid straight out of college who's only ever held down a position at Wal-Mart for two months in 2007."

"Y'know, I did think about it," stated Anderson Cooper between bites of his Crab Linguini Alfredo. "I mean, how many people send you a 150 dollar gift card just for considering them? But then I thought - hang on, let me just get this out of my teeth - yeah, but then I thought, well, I can't just go hiring every guy who covers my dinner at Red Lobster, that wouldn't be very fair. Can you pass me one of those cheddar biscuits, please?"

Although Levenstein's degree is in Journalism and English, he recently admitted that he would do "pretty much anything" at this point, and that it didn't really matter to him anymore, as long as he was able to get his student loans paid off in time.

"I don't really know what happens if you don't pay them every month, but I can only assume it gets more expensive the longer you put it off," he added. "And that's just cruel."

Levenstein currently resides in his parents' home in Queens, where he passes his time by browsing the popular message board website Reddit.com and playing video games.

[digitalexercises]

George W. Bush Library Opens, Features Only Picture Books

by Johann Hamilton

Barack Obama and his four predecessors converged last Thursday to attend the dedication ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum, which consists entirely of picture books and basic children's novels.

"This is the latest, grandest example of the eternal struggle of former presidents to rewrite history," Bill Clinton said during his time at the podium. "But it is without a doubt that the documents and literature inside of this library are largely to thank for what America is today."

Even George H. W. Bush attended the event and gave a short speech, despite recently being hospitalized for bronchitis.

 "I'm so proud of my boy," he said, shedding an emotional tear. "It seems like yesterday I was helping him through The Little Engine That Could, and just last night I saw him working through Goodnight Moon all by himself. There just aren't any words to describe how happy I am to be able to be here today."

In addition to the entire Dr. Seuss anthology, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum also boasts first edition drafts of The Berenstein Bears Visit The Dentist and The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Also available for the visibly impaired are accompanying audio books for every piece of literature in the museum.

"I can't believe this is finally happening," George W. Bush said in his concluding speech. "I've dreamed of this day every since I was a young boy, and I sincerely hope that the contents of this library will be as beneficial and informative to future presidents of the United States as they were to me during my hugely successful eight years as your Commander in Chief."

The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will be open Mondays through Saturdays from 9 a.m. to 12 a.m. The cafeteria will be open between the hours of 3 p.m. and 5 p.m., followed by naptime.

[digitalexercises]

Christ Returns To Earth, Forgets Wallet

by Johann Hamilton

BREAKING: Jesus Christ, who many believe to be the Messiah and Son of God, returned to Earth yesterday to deliver His divine judgment, only to realize that He must now make the cumbersome trip back to the Promised Land after forgetting His wallet.

"Goddamnit," Christ stated in a brief interview. "Normally this wouldn't even be a big deal, my father told me to just come down here, brutally murder everyone who doesn't believe in Him, and come right back with whoever's left. But there's so much cool stuff down here now that wasn't around 2000 years ago, I figured I may as well crash at my buddy's place for a few days and y'know, take in the sights before bringing down dad's wrath. But what bouncer's just gonna take my word for it that I'm like, 2049 years old without seeing any ID?"

Although He is immortal and is admittedly not working under any definite timeframe, Christ expressed some degree of annoyance at now being forced to return to heaven after literally "just leaving like, 1000 years ago."

"Yeah, one-way is about a 1000 year trip," He said. "Well, 998 depending on traffic. It took me 1000 years to get back home after I rose from the dead, and I pretty much just showered, grabbed a sandwich and stepped out again. Definitely not trying to stay at my parents' house any longer than I have to, that shit is weak."

Despite his father's instructions, the Lord claimed that he was planning on staying at his friend Stephen Briarwood's apartment in Brooklyn for a few days while He went sightseeing and took in the local nightlife, which He claims is "pretty stale" up in Heaven.

This news comes as a shock to many, particularly to believers in Christianity. When reached for comment, Pope Francis I described this event as "monumental, but kinda bullshit."

"Are you serious right now?" he added. "Do you realize what this would've done for my career? Pope for a little under two months and Jesus returns to Earth? For Christ's sake, this is the bullshit of all bullshits. Although Benedict is probably kicking himself in the teeth right now, glad I'm not that guy."

However, despite widespread disappoint from the Christians, others seemed to take this news in stride. Local Brooklyn rabbi Seth Goldstein seemed particularly unsurprised.

"Forgot his wallet, huh?" he said. "Typical. Bet he didn't do a single miracle while he was down here, too, did he? Of course not."

Regardless, Christ claims that he should be back sometime around the year 3993, and that he would definitely remember all of his things next time.

"I'll be back in no time," he added. "Not too many people are going to heaven these days anyway, so traffic should be good. I do think I passed Dick Clark on the way coming, though, I'll let him know you guys say hi." 

[digitalexercises]

Man About To Prematurely Ejaculate Tries Distracting Himself

by Johann Hamilton

BREAKING: David Johnson, 38 year old resident of Warwick, Rhode Island, is currently getting laid on the second floor of his modest 2-bedroom apartment, neighbors say. However, a number of variables suggest that the venture may not last much longer.

"I knew I should've rubbed one out before I went to the bar," said Warwick, attempting to slow down his thrusting speed without his partner noticing. "But you know how it is when your boys show up at your door and they're all like, 'Dude, let's go!' You don't really have time to think, let alone paint the ceiling."

Warwick claims he met the 30 year old woman (who wished to remain anonymous) at the Fire Island bar at approximately 10 p.m., and a few drinks later she was in his car on their way back to his apartment, whispering her sexual fantasies in his ear.

"Yeah, that didn't help at all," added Warwick. "Like, seriously, I had to turn the radio volume up as high as possible so I could at least make it home."

Because Warwick has had literally no sexual encounters since his wife divorced him three years ago, he was ill-prepared for the youthful exuberance that awaited him in the bedroom.

"Maybe I'll just pretend I'm doing some kind of weird dance," Warwick said. "Like, whatever, I'm not even inside of anyone's vagina right now, just moving my hips back and forth."

In addition to trying to convince himself that he simply was not having sex, Warwick has also tried distracting himself by thinking about his puppy, Skip, who died when he was 13, how disappointing the ending to Mass Effect 3 was and how it could have been better, and most drastically, his own mother.

"The mom one was weird, that's when I knew I was getting desperate," he said, sweating profusely.  

Warwick has since come to accept his fate, and is now attempting to soften the blow by lying to himself.

"Maybe she's already tired and doesn't even want to keep going!" he said, shouting over his partner's increasingly high-pitched moans. "I mean, it's already been a good eight minutes, how much longer could she possibly want to do this?! SHE PROBABLY ALREADY FINISHED A FEW MINUTES AGO!"

Despite his best efforts, the sexual experience ended shortly afterwards, after which his partner announced that she was now "okay to drive" and stumbled out of his front door to catch the bus.

"Y'know, I think I read somewhere once that women actually like it when men finish quickly. It means you really like them or something," panted Warwick as he watched his date turn the corner. "She'll probably tell her friends all about this." 

[digitalexercises]

Let Me Get This Straight, Being Uncreative Is a Bad Thing Now?

by Will.i.am

Oh, I'm sorry, who are you people? That's weird, because a second ago you were the fans responsible for boosting my songs to the top of the charts, regardless of musical quality. Now you're telling me that this time it bothers you that it's not original enough?

Okay, so I stole a song, big deal. I don't see anyone else getting put on the spot for it. Is it because I didn't wait ten years to borrow the beat like Will Smith did with basically every track on Big Willy Style? Should I just wait longer than two years next time? Because I didn't think you guys would care once you heard Chris Brown's sweet ass vocals on the track. Apparently you're all turning on him, too, huh? And don't me that "he beats women" shit, even Rihanna forgave him for that. 

First of all, I have to say I'm a little disappointed in you guys for not letting it go after I came out and said that it was an accident. Is it really too far-fetched to believe that I, the great will.i.am, could have come up with an amazing beat like this all on my own that just happened to match Rebound by DJ Arty note for note? What's that? It is? Well screw you, too!

Don't you guys remember the remix to I Got It From My Mama? The one with the Daft Punk beat in the background? You guys loved that! What? Nah, come on, I know you guys lo - so what if Kanye did the same thing earlier that year? Oh, so it's okay if he does it? I see how it is.

Y'know what, I don't need you guys anyway. Turning on people in the blink of an eye, and for what? I'm a musical genius, and I don't need you or the Black Eyed Peas to make it big in the game. Especially since I'm already famous as shit over in England, they love me there. Shut up I said they love me! I met Paul McCartney, okay? I took a picture with him!

Look, I know my music is garbage, alright? I know that. But how can you blame me? Have you really stopped to listen to some of the music being put out there today? About 95 percent of it is garbage. And y'know who's buying that garbage? You are. And we both know that you know full well that it's garbage. So don't all gang up on me to make yourselves feel better for listening to the T-Pains and Ke$has of the world, because I refuse to be martyred so that you can all sleep better at night. You already did that to Britney. 

[digitalexercises]

Kim Jong-un Interview Surfaces On Internet

by Johann Hamilton 

Sources close to the North Korean government (now officially known as the Democratic People's Republic of Korea) have leaked an exclusive interview tape between an unnamed Korean journalist and Kim Jong-un. The tape reveals fascinating insight into the psyche of the  North Korean supreme leader, and also serves as a first look into what he might demand in exchange for calling off the nuclear war, which he claims is imminent.

"I'm just so sick of Americans always getting what they want," Jong-un states in the interview. "They have the nerve to complain about their economy failing. Their economy! Have you seen the state of ourcountry recently?! One of their dollars is worth 900 of ours! 900! That's bullshit!"

Despite having absolutely no political allies and very little resources, Jong-un has made repeated claims that once he has the technology, he will strike without warning against not only the United States, but also Japan, China, and South Korea. Although this may seem like suicide, the Korean leader betrays little to no concern in the leaked tape.

"Oh, please," he laughed. "Once we get our bomb technology completed we won't need political allies! We're developing a special type of bomb that targets only people of a certain nationality, and the nuclear fallout will envelop the entire world! That way, we'll only need to drop the bomb once, and that'll be the that! The only reason it's taking us so long is because of those damn South Koreans. Turns out we used to share the same gene pool with them or something. God I hate those guys."

However, despite his cocky and carefree exterior, Jong-un did depict genuine hope that he would not wind up having to use the bomb, stating that, "if all the Americans die, then that basically means no more white women with [large] breasts."

"I'm a pretty big fan of American [women's] breasts," he added. "If America would be willing to send their white female population between the ages of 18 and 35 to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as a peace offering, I would be more than willing to remove their genetic coding from our new super-bomb."

As unorthodox a revelation as this will be should Jong-un decide to come forward publically with this negotiation,  he later revealed further means through which he would be willing to halt his nuclear war.

"As much as I hate South Koreans," he said, "I don't think anyone can deny that those bastards play a mean game of Starcraft. If the professional Starcraft II players from South Korea agreed to swear their allegiance to and represent the Democratic People's Republic of Korea in all of their tournaments from this point on, they would most likely also be spared. No promises, though."

Japan may also soon be hearing terms for negotiation in the future.

"People might consider me a 'bad guy,' Jong-un said. "But I know how to have fun, too. Hell, if the Japs let us release that new Dragonball Z movie here in our movie theaters instead of hogging it for themselves, not even I would have to heart to kill them. At least not immediately."

Although Jong-un failed to mention any ways in which China could appease him and have their genetic coding removed from his ultimate weapon, he does hint that his mind might change in the future.

"Eh, those damn Chinks...fuck 'em," he said. "Although I love me some Jet Li. Always wanted to meet him..."

[digitalexercises]

Journal Entry 11: Wow, I Just Murdered Like, A Few Hundred People

by Lara Croft

*IN ALL SERIOUS, SPOILER ALERT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED THE NEW TOMB RAIDER*

Good thing there's no law enforcement on this island, because, well...damn. I'm pretty sure I just wiped out a small country.

Let me backtrack a second for those of you who don't know. My name is Lara, and I'm basically the female equivalent of Indiana Jones. I'm an archaeologist, and apparently I'm capable of killing hundreds of armed men without any qualms whatsoever.

So a few days ago, this ship my friends and I were on crashed onto this island, right? Seems pretty Lost-esque at first, but things got pretty out of hand in a hurry when we were kidnapped by this tribe of dudes who call themselves the Solarii. At first I was all, "Let me just escape from this stronghold and get the hell out of here," but one thing led to another and well, I wound up having to murder all of them before I left.

Now don't get me wrong! I'm not like, a serial killer or anything like that. In fact, I'd actually never killed anybody until the day we got stranded there. But once I killed the first guy out of self defense, it pretty much became second nature. Next thing I know I'm ambushing these guys from treetops, setting up deathtraps, and stealth-killing these dudes like it was my job. It was basically the Vietnam War, except with the Vietcong being one woman in her mid-20s and America being this huge group of scavengers who hadn't seen a female human being in years.

I mean, I suppose I could justify it by saying that these Solarii guys killed a couple of my friends, but when all's said and done, they only killed like, two of us. I easily killed 200 on the first day. That could have very well been the end of it, but there was this whole thing about a Sun Queen and supernatural storms that wouldn't let us leave the island, and I figured, "Well, Lara, may as well go back and take the rest of them out while we wait for all this to blow over."

And don't even get me started on when these other guys showed up. Apparently this Sun Queen lady had a small army of these "immortal" dudes dressed like samurais. Again, looking at me you really wouldn't think I'm the kind of girl who can run headfirst into an army of undead soldiers with an automatic rifle and a tank top, but what can I say? I'm fabulous.

Do I regret anything? Eh, no, not really. Of course, if you'd asked me whether I would be willing to take out the population of Nova Scotia last week I obviously would've asked if you were insane. But you'd be surprised how quickly you get used to it! Seriously, after that first guy went down I was basically playing the Mission Impossible theme song in my head for the next 72 hours. Those guys will think twice next time before they - actually never mind, they won't be thinking anything anytime soon. Heh, that's just a little bit of murderer's humor, don't feel bad if you didn't get it.

I must admit, however, that I'm a little unsure as to what to do now that we've actually escaped the island. I mean, I'm sitting here writing in my journal as we sail home, but there really isn't any going back for me. My colleagues may be able to return to their normal lives after a while, but then again, they didn't just reenact the Rwandan Genocide. Maybe I'll write a book or something. Or maybe a movie? Nah, they'd probably cast Angelina Jolie for my part, and I'm not sure anybody takes her seriously anymore.  

[digitalexercises]

Wait, smokins bad fer me now?

by Old Man Jenkins

So lemme get this straight, youngster. Smokin's bad fer me now?

Well cut my scalp and call me an Injun,  feel like it was just yesterday that I was seein commercials on the telly with doctors tellin' me these here cigarettes will let me live to see a hundred, and now yer telling me that they're actually killin' me? I s'pose the sun doesn't revolve 'round the earth no more either, right? Ugh, gawddamn it!

Past 47 years my wife Abigail's been naggin' mah ears off. "Y'shouldn't drink so much o' that there whiskey, Jenkins! Why ya don't you go out fer a walk 'nstead of sittin' 'round all day, Jenkins?" Smokin' these goshdarn cigarettes was the only healthy choice I ever made, and now even that's workin' 'gainst me? I swear when Abby finds out 'bout this she's gonna have a field day.

How 'bout that there solar system? We still got nine o' them planets? What?! This's gotta be some kinda sick...just...what?!

Can someone please just tell me what the point of all this fancy new science is if the damn stuff can be wrong? And don't give me any of that "progress" mumbo jumbo. Don't tell me somethin' 'less you know fer sure it's right! Dangum it, in my day when I did a science project you best believe I hadda make damn sure my formulas and equations was correct or I would fail the 'ssignment and get mah ass beat by Mama when I got home. And here these fancy-pants scientists are with their lab coats makin' up stuff and no one don't tell them a damn word!

I can't believe this. I just can't believe this! I'll admit I had my doubts 'bout science when I found out that gravity was really just a theory that no one ain't proved wrong yet, but I always thought science would have to get their facts straight 'fore they let us put things inside our bodies! Jesus! Are they even sure water isn't helpin' put us six feet under? At this point it wouldn't s'prise me!

It's just...I dunno. I've really come to like cigarettes, y'know? I have myself a couple a day and it helps me relax. I'm old, retired - hell, my kids are almost retired. But it must be a habit or somethin' now, 'cause if I don't have one fer a few hours I gets a cravins fer one some'in fierce, I just can't shake it. Wait, what's that yer sayin' now? It's an addiction?! What in the hell's ”niggertine?" "Nickletine?" I thought these darn things only had tobacco in 'em!

Well, that's it. Can't take anymore bad news today, no sir. All that's left to do now is sit down here in this here armchair and have as many cigs as I can 'fore Abby comes home and finds out these damn things is bad for ya, too. I swear, before you know it they'll start sayin' the porno is bad fer me, too, mark my words. But I ain't never givin' that up. no sir.