The Struggles of T4T Dating and Sex Post-Op
As somebody actively pursuing bottom surgery to have a penis, I’ve been hearing something I frankly find very disturbing from other trans men and transmasculine people. I’ve heard that trans people who have had penis-creating bottom surgery, specifically those with vaginectomies, have not been able to have sex with trans women and transfeminine people in an affirming way post-op. From one, I heard that they wouldn’t touch him down there at all, or treat it like a dick, despite having been with people with penises, knowing that he wanted it treated like a dick, and themselves having dicks and wanting them interacted with during sex. From another, that trans women seemed to be repulsed by them now that they’ve had bottom surgery. Old FWBs who or new matches who either interacted with them when they had vaginas or expected them to have vaginas who would ghost as soon as their post-op status was confirmed.
I’ve heard it from trans women too. I’m active in T4T NSFW communities online. I make/write trans man porn/erotica. There is a heavy emphasis on trans men who have vaginas. It’s all you can see thirsted over. I saw a trans woman who said she’s open to “all genitals except for micropenises (because I don’t know what to do with that)”, and I saw another who said she doesn’t like trans men with penises at all. Even women who are open to natal penises seem to have an issue when the penis is attached to a trans man.
This isn’t an attack on trans women or transfems. I haven’t personally experienced this, all the trans women I talk to/have sex with are very accepting and excited for me to get bottom surgery and have a penis. They all respect that I’m anal only, and my fiance is probably more excited for me to have a dick than I am. This isn’t most trans women. But it’s enough that my post op brothers have had trouble getting dates and sex. And no, trans women don’t owe trans men sex, but it is disturbing when trans people who would’ve happily had sex with a trans man when he was pre-op won’t do it now that he has a penis. Trans people should be happy for other trans people who have had gender-affirming surgeries, not shun them. There is already a word for people who are primarily or exclusively attracted to trans people and typically are solely attracted to their pre-op genitals and wouldn’t consider being with a post-op trans person. Your identity as a trans person does not absolve you of your transphobic and fetishistic view of trans men.
I’m sure the same thing exists for trans women who have had bottom surgery, but honestly I’ve not heard of that at all personally. I’ve seen a couple of T4T trans lesbians call vaginas “weird,” but every trans man I know personally would have no issue having sex with a trans woman with a vagina. It seems like it’s mostly the other way around, even though it is a niche issue anyway. There is a certain kind of disgust with penis-creating bottom surgeries within the trans community that doesn’t extend to vagina-creating bottom surgeries in the same way. Trans men in porn are expected to have vaginas even if they are not using their vagina. When trans men top, it has to be with a strap-on. And when trans men bottom, it’s usually vaginal. Maybe anal, but their vagina is expected to be interacted with at some point either way. Trans men who want to have sex or are in porn aren’t typically given the freedom to be anal only or only top, let alone with a surgically created penis. And even though I’m not necessarily directly affected in the way that I personally am being rejected for transphobic and transandrophobic reasons, I am still a trans man who is actively pursuing bottom surgery who has to see this kind of rhetoric and desexualization of trans men’s penises, and the fetishization of “boypussy.”
Ultimately, we have a word for people who only see trans people as sexually attractive if they haven’t had bottom surgery and specifically seek out pre/non-op trans people to have sex with, and also people with “genital preferences” for pre/non-op trans people who won’t give post-op trans people the time of day: We call them chasers. And also transphobic, but first and foremost, chasers. And yes, cis people are way more likely to do this than any trans person, but it sucks to see this from other trans people, because other trans people should really know better.
