Disability Etiquette

A blog for cataloging, sharing, and educating people inside and outside of the disability community on how best to interact with us! Submissions and asks welcome - no one person is an authority on everything disability, so if you're disabled too, feel free to chime in on the discussion!

[disability-etiquette]

The disability community is incredibly diverse, but as with any high level of diversity of life experiences, and any social setting, things can get a bit awkward very quickly! No one wants to step on each other's toes, but it can happen.

There is no real set of agreed upon etiquette for interacting with us disabled people - therefore, the goal of this blog is not to create those rules, but rather provide a space to share the perspectives and experiences different disabled people regard as "polite"!

The guiding philosophies of this blog will be:

No single person can be representative of the entire disability community

The person who knows best on how to be polite in an interaction is the person you're currently talking to

The sharing of an experience is a gift, not a battleground, and it is not obligated to be shared

The "disabled experience" is wide and varied, so every disability and every experience shared is valid

So, operating within these guidelines, anyone is welcome to make submissions, send asks, and add to any discussion on the blog, even if it's old! Make space for other people's experiences and viewpoints, and don't be afraid to share your own!

This blog will reblog relevant posts in addition to posting submissions and asks. Original posts will be made from the experiences and perspective of the owner of this blog, @moonflowero1, and without the expectation that anyone else must agree - all original posts, submissions, and asks will be treated as open discussions! Reblogged posts will be treated simply as shared experiences, as some users may not want active discussions on what may very well be a vent post.

Any images and infographics shared will have either ALT text or an Image Description (ID)! If you do not provide one in your submission/reblog, I will add one.

This blog is inspired by @dailymanners! Thank you for all you do, and for supporting the creation of this blog!

Profile picture ID: a white, pointy-eared dog in a red service animal vest. The dog is laying down and looking to the left.

Banner ID: the disability pride flag, 2021 "straight diagonal" version, designed by @capricorn-0mnikorn. It has muted grey as a background, and 5 diagonal muted colors going from top left to bottom right: green, blue, white, yellow, and red.

[dailymanners]

I feel as though what drives most rude / inconsiderate behavior I experience IRL on a day to day basis comes from a place of having this unearned and unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that aren't actually urgent. I think if more people became aware of this completely unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that actually aren't urgent, it might make co-existing and sharing public spaces with other people a lot easier and more tolerable.

That text post that's been making the rounds that goes something like "Omg you made it to the same red light as everyone else but faster and more dangerously and recklessly, should we call nascar? Do you want a medal?" summarizes exactly what I'm trying to talk about.

It's like when I have to change buses at one of the bigger and busier bus stops, and the people who get off the same bus as me shove and elbow past me to get off before me, and then shove and elbow past anyone even slightly in their way on the way to the bus they're switching to, only to end up on the same bus as all the people they shoved and elbowed, with several minutes to spare before it leaves and plenty of open seats left.

I think this unnecessary urgency a lot of people feel in their day to day lives drives a lot of bad behavior. I'm not saying I'm innocent of this (is anyone's?), I've felt it too in plenty of situations that didn't call for it, and regrettably was less kind than I should have been as a result. But I try to be aware of it, and always try to ask myself it it's really as urgent as my lizard brain is trying to tell me it is, and even if it was urgent, does that still justify unkind behavior?

Is shoving or elbowing another person aside going to make the difference between whether or not you make it to the bus before it pulls away? (hint: at least where I live, most of the time that's a no because the drivers usually won't leave if they see people from another bus heading towards their bus). Is shoving and elbowing people aside in a crowded grocery store going to make any real difference in how quickly you get your shopping done?

Does a few extra seconds of time actually justify cruel and unkind behavior towards people you perceive as slightly inconveniencing you?

[dailymanners]

A few more examples of this phenomenon:

- Waiting in line at the store and the person behind you creeps closer and closer to try to pressure you forward, and ends up violating your personal space and making you uncomfortable, because they think creeping closer and pressuring the person in line in front of them will somehow get them through the line faster (it won't)

- Going through a self-serve buffet, and the person behind you keeps creeping closer and closer to try to pressure you to serve your food faster and get a move on. All it achieves is that you can't scoop your soup without elbowing them, and that's somehow your fault

- Crossing a crosswalk when the car waiting for you to cross creeps closer and closer to you to try to intimidate you into crossing faster (because using a 2 ton metal machine to try to intimidate a fleshy little ape you could easily kill with said 2 ton metal machine isn't acting like a bully at all no sir-ee)

- Honestly a huge heap of the poor treatment of service workers is also rooted in this sense of urgency in things that are not actually urgent

Please do feel free to add more examples if you can think of more examples

[dailymanners]

To everyone in the notes saying they've never, or very rarely, feel this urgency: you are so powerful, please don't change, and I hope your powerful disposition can spread to more people.

[the-11th-doctor2]

I rarely experience the urgency, but I am invisibly disabled which means that sometimes I physically can't stand. And if it's rush hour, I know I'm not going to get a place to sit (no seat, no empty basket wherein papers are usually put - def not filled ines which would be softer), no space on the floor) unless I hurry and push. I try to get a later bus or something to avoid it, but if I am stuck in that situation, what would you reckon me to do so I can sit without being unkind/rude?

[dailymanners]

I think that this is a very complicated subject, because you can never know if the people you are hurrying/pushing past also have invisible disabilities.

Also I do hope you mean push metaphorically and not literally. I have this whole thread here on why you shouldn't push or jostle people, no matter the reasoning, because it harms and affects especially fellow disabled people.

But to reiterate, you never know when someone else also has an invisible disability. When my long-covid was at its worst I really tried my hardest to get a seat, and it was painful and difficult when I didn't, so it was frustrating when people would literally shove and elbow me out of the way to get a seat before me. Who knows, maybe they had an invisible disability or illness too, but that didn't justify shoving or elbowing me out of the way when standing also hurt me (and still does, my long-covid has gotten better but it's still not 100% gone).

I think this is at least partially a systemic issue, some public transit systems have a system where you wear a sunflower lanyard if you have an invisible disability. This signals to people to give their seat up to you (if they can and don't also have an invisible illness or disability). Check with your local transit system if they have something like this, and if they don't then call them or send them an email asking them to adopt a system like this.

In the mean time, it's always better to use words than physical force. It's not necessarily rude to rush or hurry (so long as you're not touching or harming anyone or causing potential danger to anyone else while hurrying), but it is rude to physically shove or push or elbow them out of your way, especially because you can never know whether or not they also have an invisible disability or illness. If possible, use your words and just ask people. Some people might not respond well and might be rude about it, but it's better than physical force (especially since some people might get aggressive or violent about being shoved or pushed, but people are less likely to resort to aggression or violence over just being asked to move or give up their seat).

Since my experience with physical disability is limited to a little less than a year of long-covid, I would appreciate if @disability-etiquette could weigh in on this.

TL;DR: check if your local transit system has the invisible disabilities lanyard system, if they don't then ask them to adopt it (or just get the lanyard anyway since a lot of people recognize it these days). In the mean time, hurrying isn't necessarily rude, but using any sort of physical touch or force is (especially when you can never know who else has an invisible disability or illness), so words are better than touching or using force (if possible).

[disability-etiquette]

Thanks for the ping, and great question! I welcome anyone else who is disabled and has experience with public transit to chime in as well, since realistically I can only truly speak from my own experience, and I don't want to claim otherwise.

Personally, being in a power wheelchair, I try to drive slowly but with intention, call out "excuse me," and wait for people to move when I do see they are moving so they don't feel crowded out or rushed. Sometimes I'm really subtle about it if it's very packed, for example I'll park myself near where the designated spot is and most people will notice and move. But in my case, if they don't, it's not a huge deal for me, which I am incredibly lucky and grateful for. Your situation is pretty different from mine, given all that - you can't always afford for others to take your seat and refuse to move. I think if you can use your voice without consequences (I know for some people they can't use their voice or it will cause a flare up of symptoms), that's probably a good place to start. It's hard to go wrong with a firm but polite "excuse me"! Another script I use is "I need to sit/park here, please move (your items)" followed by a "thank you" and a smile (if you're wearing a mask, it's still visible with the eye crinkle, but I like to add a nod too). I try to frame it as something that they need to do, not something I'm asking them to do, while also being friendly. I'm not sure how well these would work for you, nor what you've already tried, so this is where I'll stop!

I second DailyManner's suggestions about looking into what the policy and system is for disabled passengers, and advocating for a better one if you can, it really does go a long way if you have the time and energy for it! No worries if you don't, though. Advocacy is difficult, and it's ironic how the world demands it so often from us when we're usually the most likely to be unable to do it, especially without support (that's systemic ableism for you...)

[dailymanners]

I feel as though what drives most rude / inconsiderate behavior I experience IRL on a day to day basis comes from a place of having this unearned and unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that aren't actually urgent. I think if more people became aware of this completely unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that actually aren't urgent, it might make co-existing and sharing public spaces with other people a lot easier and more tolerable.

That text post that's been making the rounds that goes something like "Omg you made it to the same red light as everyone else but faster and more dangerously and recklessly, should we call nascar? Do you want a medal?" summarizes exactly what I'm trying to talk about.

It's like when I have to change buses at one of the bigger and busier bus stops, and the people who get off the same bus as me shove and elbow past me to get off before me, and then shove and elbow past anyone even slightly in their way on the way to the bus they're switching, only to end up on the same bus as all the people they shoved and elbowed with several minutes to spare before it leaves and plenty of open seats left.

I think this unnecessary urgency a lot of people feel in their day to day lives drives a lot of bad behavior. I'm not saying I'm innocent of this, I've felt it too in plenty of situations that didn't call for it, and regrettably was less kind than I should have been as a result. But I try to be aware of it, and always try to ask myself it it's really as urgent as my lizard brain is trying to tell me it is, and even if it was that urgent, does that still justify unkind behavior?

Is shoving or elbowing another person aside going to make the difference between whether or not you make it to the bus before it pulls away? (hint: at least where I live, most of the time that's a no because the drivers usually won't leave if they see people from another bus heading towards their bus). Is shoving and elbowing people aside in a crowded grocery store going to make any noticeable difference in how quickly you get your shopping done?

Does a few extra seconds of time actually justify cruel and unkind behavior towards people you perceive as slightly inconveniencing you?

[purlturtle]

Someone pointed out to me once how a lot of people, when out grocery shopping, amble through the aisles at a leisurely pace, maybe checking out this new product or that tester... But when the time comes to queue for checkout, all of a sudden everyone is super impatient and not leisurely at all.

That fully rewired my brain.

Ever since then I've tried to keep that in mind when I shop. If I'm not hurrying through the store, I'm not gonna be impatient in line for checkout.

[dailymanners]

#the urgency and impatience tends to drive a lot of ableism too#Gods forbid someone need help or walk slower or get stuck somewhere#people will walk into my chair because they're not looking where they're going#and I've almost gotten run over at intersections because I wasn't crossing the street fast enough even though I still had right of way#people who rush tend not to signal or say excuse me either which is both rude and unsafe

Thanks for these tags @disability-etiquette, because this unnecessary urgency (in situations that aren't actually urgent) really is a massive driving factor for ableism, and that needs to be addressed and discussed.

So many strangers have been so cruel to my elderly and disabled family members for being "too slow" in public.

And not to derail from the ableism, but this urgency / impatience also fuels a lot of fatphobia too. I've already had to block some people in the notes of this post for making fatphobic comments. People often get very angry at fat people for moving slower and/or taking up more space, and will use their unnecessary urgency and impatience to justify being mean and impatient with fat strangers in public.

[disability-etiquette]

Oh absolutely, and not derailing at all in my opinion, the struggle for fat liberation goes hand in hand with ableism! The overlap is significant - many disabilities can affect body size and shape, so it's very much connected to ableism in my eyes! You're 100% right and should say it.

[dailymanners]

I feel as though what drives most rude / inconsiderate behavior I experience IRL on a day to day basis comes from a place of having this unearned and unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that aren't actually urgent. I think if more people became aware of this completely unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that actually aren't urgent, it might make co-existing and sharing public spaces with other people a lot easier and more tolerable.

That text post that's been making the rounds that goes something like "Omg you made it to the same red light as everyone else but faster and more dangerously and recklessly, should we call nascar? Do you want a medal?" summarizes exactly what I'm trying to talk about.

It's like when I have to change buses at one of the bigger and busier bus stops, and the people who get off the same bus as me shove and elbow past me to get off before me, and then shove and elbow past anyone even slightly in their way on the way to the bus they're switching, only to end up on the same bus as all the people they shoved and elbowed with several minutes to spare before it leaves and plenty of open seats left.

I think this unnecessary urgency a lot of people feel in their day to day lives drives a lot of bad behavior. I'm not saying I'm innocent of this, I've felt it too in plenty of situations that didn't call for it, and regrettably was less kind than I should have been as a result. But I try to be aware of it, and always try to ask myself it it's really as urgent as my lizard brain is trying to tell me it is, and even if it was that urgent, does that still justify unkind behavior?

Is shoving or elbowing another person aside going to make the difference between whether or not you make it to the bus before it pulls away? (hint: at least where I live, most of the time that's a no because the drivers usually won't leave if they see people from another bus heading towards their bus). Is shoving and elbowing people aside in a crowded grocery store going to make any noticeable difference in how quickly you get your shopping done?

Does a few extra seconds of time actually justify cruel and unkind behavior towards people you perceive as slightly inconveniencing you?

[purlturtle]

Someone pointed out to me once how a lot of people, when out grocery shopping, amble through the aisles at a leisurely pace, maybe checking out this new product or that tester... But when the time comes to queue for checkout, all of a sudden everyone is super impatient and not leisurely at all.

That fully rewired my brain.

Ever since then I've tried to keep that in mind when I shop. If I'm not hurrying through the store, I'm not gonna be impatient in line for checkout.

[dailymanners]

When parking your car, if at all possible, be mindful of how much room you're leaving for the car next to you to get in and out of their own car. And don't just think about your own needs as the driver, consider your passenger side and whether or not anyone in the car with you can comfortably get in and out.

Sure, if it's a tight fit a young thin able bodied person might be able to squeeze and maneuver through a tight fit and get in. But, what if they're not thin, doesn't a fat person deserve to be able to get in and out of their car just the same as a thin person? What if they're a parent with a young child who needs assistance in getting in the car and being buckled in, or put in their car seat?

What if the parking spots for disabled people were full, or is often the case the snow plow piled all the snow in the parking spots for disabled people, leaving them no choice but to park next to you, even though it's not ideal?

Even if someone is childfree, thin, and able bodied, it's just unpleasant and uncomfortable to have to squeeze to get into your car. Why unnecessarily put the driver and/or passengers of the car next to you through that, or even the passengers of your own car?

[dailymanners]

When a chronically ill person updates you on their condition, recognise that it is a permanent fact of their life that they are already treating and/or accommodating. Saying “I hope you get better soon” invalidates the chronic nature of their condition and implies that you are not willing to support them as they deal with it long term.

Offering unsolicited advice on how they can “cure” it is also unhelpful, because chances are that they are either already exploring that option, have already tried it, or it’s just not available to them for whatever reason. People who are chronically ill often already have health professionals that they are working with, and if they do not, chances are it is due to a lack of finances or access, so your “helpful advice” will not address those obstacles and get them the care they need.

If you want to support or show kindness to the people with chronic illness in your life, accept that this condition is permanent. Maybe it will go away in time, or maybe it won’t, but consider what you would want from others if you had a permanent, possibly incurable condition. If you want to invite them on an outing, check in to ask how much recovery time they might need. If you want to give them some well-wishes, say “I hope you have more good days than bad.” This is far more realistic than “I hope your condition goes away” or “I hope you get better soon”, which is not at all likely to come true. Whether we like it or not, our chronic illnesses are a part of who we are and we have to make room for it, so we feel truly loved and supported when others make room for it, too.

[bebsi-cola]

disabled people's privacy also extends to other disabled people. like you might also be disabled but asking a stranger who uses crutches why they use them isn't wildly different from an abled person asking that. commenting on someone's wheelchair can still be insensitive if you're also disabled. and sharing the fact that you're disabled and have health problems doesn't mean someone else has to reciprocate. sometimes disabled people don't want to be singled out for what immediately sets them apart from everyone else, no matter who is doing that or what their intentions are

[i-say-stupid-things]

i’m gonna hold your hand with a glove on when i say this

when disabled/chronically ill people tell you they can’t do something, then that is not your cue to tell them that they can actually or that they’ll always find an excuse if they’re looking for one.

when a disabled/chronically ill person says they can’t do something, sometimes that doesn’t mean it’s outside the realm of possibility, sometimes it means if they (attempted to) do that, they will seriously hurt themselves.

when a disabled/chronically ill person says they can’t do something, sometimes it’s preventative care, and they refuse to do that thing to prevent a flare up from happening/their symptoms getting worse in the first place.

disabled/chronically ill people are not “looking for excuses”, they are giving you reasons why. something they don’t even have to do! so maybe just accept the reasons they give you.

[auschizm]

Instead of "but that's not real", you should try responding to a psychotic persons distress with:

That sounds really scary. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how scared I'd be if it was me.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it can't be easy to open up about it, and I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me

You can tell me more about it if you want to. I promise not to judge you, invalidate you or panic

Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer? Any way I can help support you through this?

[asexual-amanita]

People with Tourette’s are not a monolith. Not all of us swear, not all of us like when you interact with our tics, and not all of us find humour in our condition. We are all different. If you’ve met one person with Tourette’s, you’ve met one person with Tourette’s.

[dailymanners]

IF it can be helped at all, stay home when you are sick to prevent your illness from spreading to others, even if it's not a "serious" illness and is just a common cold, a common cold can still be really detrimental anyone with a weakened or compromised immune system from conditions including, but not limited to, leukemia, HIV, and hepatitis. And you can never know if one of your co-workers or a customer or a random stranger at the store has or lives with someone who has one of these conditions.

Not everyone can help it, some people risk losing their job if they call in sick, and not everyone has someone they can call on to run to the store for essentials while they're sick.

In these cases at least consider wearing a mask while you're in public so as to prevent spreading your sickness to co-workers / customers / random strangers you encounter while out in public. There are several cultures where even pre-COVID times it was considered rude to go out in public without a mask even if you had a simple cold because of it being inconsiderate to spread your sickness to others.

Now, if it can be helped at all, if you have a job where you can call in sick without losing your income, or if you have a job where you can work form home, or if you have anyone at all you can call on to run to the store for you to grab essentials, use that!

"Oh but I don't want to inconvenience my co-workers by having them down a person today, what if they really need my help?" You know what's going to inconvenience them more is when you make everyone at work sick, and some of them might either have a compromised immune system or live with someone who does.

"Oh but I don't want to inconvenience my friend by asking them to grab some essentials from the store for me while I'm sick!" You know what's going to be more inconvenient is when you spread your sickness to that dad you stood in line behind at the store who has a child at home withe leukemia, or a spouse with HIV.

And again, of course not everyone has an option. Some people risk losing their income if they call into work sick, or they don't have anyone who they can call on to get essentials from the store for them. But again, at least consider masking up to mitigate the risk of spreading your illness to vulnerable people who could be seriously harmed by even a common cold or mild flu.

[dailymanners]

Be respectful of other people's time. If you make plans with someone else, avoid being late (at least beyond fashionably late) or flaking on them last minute, and especially avoid being a no-show. This is especially applicable for time sensitive things, such as going out to a movie or live performance.

This also applies to appointments with professionals, such as hair appointments, nail appointments, ect. Because the person you've made an appointment with is likely a working class person just trying to earn a living and make it through the day, but when their clients are late this can affect their ability to keep their work schedule and keep all their clients happy, as well as keep them at work late and affect their personal life (such as being late to pick up their child from day care because they had multiple clients who were late to their appointments that day)

Flaking last minute on appointments also affects their livelihood, as it can be hard to fill an appointment time slot last minute so this can affect their earnings for the day. Respect working professionals by respecting the appointment times you've made with them to the best of your ability.

Of course, life happens. We all forgot things, and we all have unforeseen circumstances pop up which force us to be late or cancel plans. But it is important to at least make an effort to be on time, and to honor the plans you've made, so as to be respectful of other people's time and energy.

If you must, set phone alarms and/or leave notes for yourself.

Part of this is being honest with your friends about making plans you don't actually want to do. It's better to be honest with your friend that you don't want to see that movie with them on that night, rather than lying and faking interest only to flake last minute. With the former they could have planned more accordingly and found someone else to go with or even been prepared to go alone if they wished, with the latter you are wasting their time and energy.

Again, life happens, sometimes the bus or train is late, sometimes the traffic is worse than we anticipated, sometimes health problems crop up. But at least make an effort to be on time and honor the plans you've made, as this is more respectful to other people's time and energy. When we make no effort to be on time or honor the plans we've made this can come across as disrespectful to other people's time and energy. Your time and energy is not the only time and energy that matters.

[dailymanners]

[disability-etiquette]

Yes, agreed with all of this. Additionally, from what I know personally, there's two sides to this coin when it comes to disabled people.

If you're flaking on a disabled person, that can be extra distressing for them in a variety of ways. They may have had to spend more preemptively to make this happen; they may have restructured their care and/or meds schedule to make this happen; they may have spent weeks mentally preparing for it; they may have been very carefully rationing their energy in order to be able to do what you planned.

When it comes to helping them with something, the consequences could be disastrous. They could overexert themselves or become injured without care, if you're a caregiver. If you're a doctor, they could have critical government or judicial decisions riding on that appointment that are time sensitive, or have a time sensitive medical crisis. That's just off the top of my head, there's probably more.

The other side of the coin is if a disabled person cancels on you. As frustrating and potentially consequential it is for someone to cancel on you last minute, ultimately, it is often out of the disabled person's control. Maybe their ride canceled on them and they can't get another; maybe their caregiver was a no-show and they can't make it; maybe some medical issues flared up and pushing themself would make it drastically worse; maybe their mobility aid or medical device broke and it would be too risky to do the original activity as planned; maybe they forgot their meds that day and are in too much pain/too out of it/forgot about your plans because of that. There are a million very valid reasons, but oftentimes the assumption is that the disabled person doesn't care or is being unprofessional by cancelling last minute over many different things, even though they did not have control over these things. If they apologize and attempt to reschedule, let them, don't hold it against them. If they are honest about being unsure if they can commit to a plan, don't push them into committing, but do check to see if there's anything you can do to adapt the plans better for them.

Any other thoughts/perspectives on this are welcome!

[kelpforestdwellers]

If someone speaks slowly, let them speak. Do not interrupt or try to finish their sentences.

Unless you know someone well and they are comfortable with you attempting to finish their sentences for them, just wait.

You don't know what someone else is intending to say. You don't know how much effort it takes them to speak. You may be doubling that effort by cutting them off and forcing them to start the whole sentence over again.

Be courteous. Unless there is an emergency, just wait and let people finish speaking.

[infectiouspiss]

can we kill the idea that yawning=bored because there's a million reasons to be yawning and being condescendingly asked "oh im sorry are we boring you?" because of something you can't control is really rude.

you're not boring me this is a side effect of my medication but thank you for deciding that my yawns are some sort of insult toward you and going on the offensive i loved it 👍

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

obvs it can be annoying for others when people don't understand something "obvious"

but I do wish people would hold more grace for people who are "stupid"

as my cognitive & memory symptoms get worse I'm seeing myself in these stories more and more

the woman who is visibly confused in public and doesn't see the sign right next to her and asks the same question multiple times because she doesn't understand the answer or is failing to communicate the question she actually means to ask.

the person who enters a building and has to ask if she's found the right place, because she's too overwhelmed to put together the "obvious"

the person who is polite and respectful but who still needs something explained three different ways before she gets it.

and I get the frustration, I really do.

but the next time you see a "total idiot" in public who clearly genuinely has no idea what's going on, please just try to remember that it sucks to be that person too.

and as someone who has no choice about being that person, it sucks to see post after post ripping into people for just being confused in public. Not rude or entitled, just confused.

Obvs I'm not saying people shouldn't vent or laugh online at anonymous strangers who will never see it. Especially when they ARE rude or entitled!

I just feel like I'm seeing a lot more posts about "stupid people" recently and half the time "being stupid" was the only thing they did to piss ppl off and...

Idk sometimes it just comes across as really mean.

If you knew that "stupid" person was confused bc they're disabled, would you be just as mean?

If not, please consider: why on earth would you expect to always know when a stranger in public is disabled?

People are generally trying their best. Even those who aren't disabled—u don't know what their day is like!

Do you think YOU could think clearly on the worst day of your life?

Have you ever been so upset you barely know what's going on? Ever had to run errands while coming off anaesthesia or while a loved one is dying or while your scary newly-ex is blowing up your phone with threats or god, even just when you'd been up all night and feel like shit?

Giving people grace when and how you can is an incredibly rewarding practice. I want us all to be given that grace when we most need it.

[positivelyqueer]

reminder that those "how to talk to [disabled people]" (wheelchair users, aac users etc) posts are very good guides for strangers and acquaintances.

But anything that the actual disabled person in front of you says overrides the general rules of politeness. and these might change day to day or person to person.

I've got some friends who read my aac screen because they're hard of hearing, or maybe I'm feeling self conscious about my voice that day, or want to have a more private conversation.

if I offer my crutch to you asking you to hold it for a moment, this supersedes the 'don't touch other people's mobility aids' rule.

conversations with friends are actually nicer for me if someone is on my level as a wheelchair user. But if an assistant in a store did that I'd run over their toes.

what I'm saying is trust the person you're with to know their wants and needs, and don't be scared if it contradicts the general rules of interaction that you've been taught.

(also don't be afraid to ask accomodation questions, they are usually well received. "would you like me to look away while you type/make your sentence?" Is a much more polite and relevant question than "what is that and why are you using it?")

[only-knives]

Quadriparesis Awareness: My Experience

Most people know about quadriplegia (also known as tetraplegia), which is paralysis of all 4 limbs. Quadriparesis is weakness in all 4 limbs, often cause by nerve damage.

This is what I have! It's not quite partial paralysis, though it is somewhat of a step down. My muscles can be very limp or stiff, depending on which limb it is. I have a tremor in my arms and legs. Difficulty with balance and walking. My reflexes are abnormal.

In daily life, this comes up as difficulty doing... literally everything. It takes me longer to do things because my muscles don't do what I tell them to. I can't go on long walks, ride a bike, skateboard, ice skate, roller blade, play badminton, run around, climb trees/buildings - all things I used to do before my body began to break down. Art takes me much longer, and I can't do things that I used to be able to anymore.

I wanted to share this because there's already misinfo about paralysis, and no one really talks about paresis. Paralyzed people are interrogated when they can partially move, because people think it's either All or Nothing - either you cant move or feel anything, or you can. But that isn't true.

It's a long way from full mobility to paralysis - it's not always caused by acute injury. For me, my quadriparesis is a downstream effect of a connective tissue disorder. For someone else, it could be from multiple sclerosis. In both cases, it can take years to develop severe symptoms.

I don't really know how to end this but, I guess if I could say one more thing, it'd be to be considerate. If you see someone lagging behind, slow down to meet them. If someone seems tired or shakey, accomodate them (ask if they need help, change plans to something calm, offer them a seat). If someone says they're disabled, believe them.

You've probably met people with quadriparesis (or nerve damage in general), but it's easy to just assume we're just low energy or clumsy people. And maybe we are - but we may also be struggling to keep up with a world that isn't built for us. And I just wish more people saw that.

PS: If anyone with paralysis would like to add on, feel free! <3