I am having such a hard time with pre-shift anxiety / Sunday scaries
This is such a ramble and I’m really just trying to make it make sense in my own head
Once I get to work I’m fine. But I try to go to bed early so I can be well-rested and I end up not being able to fall asleep. I’m afraid to start using meds to assist because I don’t want to be dependent on them for sleep on my off days
And usually I’m not really noticing anxiety per se, but I am having a lot of difficulty falling asleep the night before my shifts, even when I’m doing all my bedtime rituals / breathing / wind down stuff
There’s a lot of moving parts with this but I think one of the main problems is that we just lost a lot of staff so we’ve been short, and everyone who was already burned out and bitter is even more so now. And it’s taking a lot out of me to keep being the rock and positive at work. I have no plans to leave right now but the constant negative attitudes are grating.
I’m also doing a lot of work in my council and people are asking me to write up new education proposals and abstracts for poster presentations (which is something that I would like to do) however, I only get 4 hours of paid time per month to do all that stuff and it’s not exactly on the timeline leadership wants because of my regular shifts and clinical days. The literal fucking chief nursing office/chief nurse executive showed up at our last meeting and told us we had to get this specific issue under control, which is a project I’ve been working on since January, and now all of a sudden all these different people are emailing me and asking when we’re moving forward with this pilot study and offering assistance
I’ve always wanted to be more involved in orientation/education in the hospital but my current role doesn’t really support that and I’m pretty goddamn tired of being taken advantage of so I’m refusing to do any work that’s unpaid
I probably should reach back out to my therapist and see if I can schedule a session with her. I’m also just kind of in a weird meh place with her because I felt like when I was seeing her, she was constantly asking me if I felt ready for discharge. And I totally get that there’s insurance shit that requires care plans and whatnot. But I always thought, especially with GAD, that I should just always have therapy, even if I go less often at times. Idk. I just felt like she kept trying to discharge me which made me think she didn’t want me as a client. Which I probably something I should unpack with her. But like. One thing at a time.
I need to dedicate more consistent time to self care and meditation and work outs. My schedule is still erratic so nothing has changed there. But I did just finally drop my Thursday d&d group for the time being. I had told them I was going to have issues coming since I had told them I had be up at 4:30 on Fridays for the rest of the year basically. Initially they said they would compromise and start/end an hour earlier, but they have not actually implemented that in the month since we spoke about it, and the DM had initially said he was wrapping up the campaign, but every time I asked the end date, he just kept saying “like ten more sessions”. I told the DM I’m available one day in June and one in July if they want to plan the last session for one of those, I can be there to finish out the campaign. But otherwise, I officially backed out. I do initially feel a bit better, because even tho it’s usually fun when I’m there, it’s a long drive home and I am always tired at work the next day. I may inquire about joining a different group on Tuesdays once I have a bit of a break.
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