lol i know people joke about like making a ‘trauma dossier’ to hand to new therapists/shrinks/psychologists whenever they do intakes because theyre tired of unpacking/re-explaining all their diagnoses/trauma/backstory etc, & while i obviously recognize the appeal, id argue that with trauma & a lot of mental health stuff that exposure is honestly one of the more promising modalities, but i really wish i had at some point taken the time when i was more in my higher mental functioning to more neatly put all of my diagnostic clues / experiment results / disease timeline / symptoms / test results / differentials / etc all into like a neat lil dossier. like i guess i could still do this at this point, & i probably should as long as im going to even remotely be trying to figure this out / treat it. i’m just so exhausted all the time it doesnt feel like a good use of energy when theres other shit i need to do like settle up affairs or go to drs appointments, or go to the clinic, or pick up scripts, or send out packs, or work towards making barbital, or answering friends, or w/e. like i dont really have PEM i dont think? or at least i havent been able to super clearly tie exertion to feeling worse? it kinda just seems like i always feel the same level of bad/exhaustion? theres the obvious correlation of like gas tank of energy for each day - cost of energy for doing x thing, that i think everyone has? but thats not the same as PEM, like it just feels like my gas tank is an old phone battery, yk how itll say how 100% on ur battery is now only like 40% of the capacity of the new battery? thats what it feel like, is like as opposed to like a 100% charged 100% battery, mine is 10% of the original capacity, so my 100% at the beginning of the day is really only 10% of what i used to have, that plus just a sort of like slow linear decline in the total capacity for charge.
writing out a dossier is stuck in the same level of executive tasks as like finally getting on a computer & setting up my blog directory (for my side blogs to link back to this) & maybe backing them all up on like geocities or something cause i doubt tumblr will outlive me by much, & honestly this & a few of my aes blogs are really like the only art or part of myself ive ever put out into the world, & really the only way a part of me can live on, which like i doubt there are many people in the world who will actually even care or want them to exist, but to this day i still go on fables old blog, or my mothers instagram, its sort of the only pieces i still have of those people besides my memories & a few physical possessions in the case of my mother; which like memories are always of dubious integrity on account of them being memories, & possessions only have the value you can impart upon them. idk, i certainly wish i had even a single photo of karoline, im lucky to remember what she looks like still somehow, but its only been like 3-4 years since she died, i coulda sc’d the photo on her obit when it was sent to me, but was so rocked by grief & isolation i didnt think too, & have never been able to find it again despite occasionally trying. idk the dossier probably takes priority over the tumblr archiving & formatting, but my brain has then in the opposite order in priority, which is funny.
honestly making barbital, & giving my stuff to willa & toby & maybe cain & separating out all the stuff from my mom out of my stuff in case my sisters want any of it. are basically my eclipsing priorities right now, that & making sure im filling my scripts consistently & making $ with that where i can, basically beyond fills up my plate, & i still need to like talk to willa & cain & maybe toby & like update them on just how bleak things have gotten so no one is blindsided if i continue to not be able to find any improvement. at some point i need to switch the electric out of my name here to one of my roommates, so they dont have to deal with that hassle when they cant get into my accounts.
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