divided-self

psychotherapy/mental health blog. i mainly post about intimacy. i'm a sideblog so i don't follow back

[kathyt]

[all-about-abuse]

Forms of Abuse

Abuse is often categorized into different forms. While some are fairly well known, others are rarely discussed outside of anti-violence activism and the like. In addition, many people are unaware of how various kinds of abuse are defined and what actions are considered abusive. Here’s a list to help make things a bit clearer. Please note that some actions are abusive in multiple ways and this list likely won’t be able to describe every abuse behavior. In addition, this list is designed to be as generic as possible so it can be applied to a variety of different situations rather than exclusively focusing on romantic partnerships, parent-child relationships, friendships etc. 

Emotional abuse: 

Far more than ‘hurting someone’s feelings’, emotional abuse is a devastating form of abuse which can affect an individuals self worth, feelings of safety, and quality of life. It can even lead to mental health issues. While often dismissed as a 'less serious’ form of abuse, the impact of emotional abuse can be devastating and last for a long time. Behaviors include;

Frequent, excessive and unwelcome criticism (as opposed to constructive criticism which is asked for and given in to help. Some people will claim their emotional abuse is actually meant to be constructive criticism, however, if its not requested and related to a specific thing a person is doing, then chances are, this is a lie)

Put-downs and name-calling (this is also verbal abuse)

Controlling the victim

Invalidating their feelings and experiences

Withholding (this includes 'the silent treatment’, refusing to listen, and withdrawing emotionally)

Excluding the victim

Telling the victim that their thoughts, feelings, ideas, interests etc are wrong/bad/silly

Physical Abuse

One of the more well known forms of abuse, people often think that physical abuse is limited to romantic partnerships where one person hits, punches or attacks the other. While those behaviors are physically abusive, violence is not limited to contact that causes injury or even physical contact, and it can occur in any relationship. Examples of physical abuse include

Hitting, slapping, pinching, hair-pulling, biting, scratching, choking

Pushing, shoving and grabbing

Standing over someone to intimidate them

Blocking a doorway or exit

Any and all unwanted and non-consensual physical contact

Throwing objects (whether at the victim directly or elsewhere)

Breaking your possessions

Threatening violence

Threatening with a weapon (such as pointing a knife or gun at the victim)

Forcing you to make eye contact with them

Driving wrecklessly/dangerously while the victim or victims children or pets are in the car

Harming the victims pets

Forcing the victim to eat or not letting them eat

Not allowing the victim to sleep

Locking the victim in/out of the house

Denying the victim access to medication

Not allowing the victim to use the toilet or meet other physical needs

Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse are often discussed together as emotional abuse since there is a lot of overlap. What affects us emotionally also affects us psychologically. It can still be helpful to distinguish the two sometimes. It’s also sometimes referred to as mental abuse. Behaviors include

Gaslighting; denying the victims experience and making them question their reality or perception, hiding the victims personal items then claiming the victim lost them, denying that something happened when it did, and more

Invalidating the victim

Calling the victim 'crazy’, 'insane’ 'psycho’, often when they confront the abuser about their behavior

Minimize or dismiss the victims achievements

Behaving in ways that cause the victim to feel intimidated or afraid

Using the victims fears against them (e.g forcing you to hold a spider knowing you’re afraid of them)

Behaving in erratic or unpredictable ways to make the victim feel scared of what the abuser might do

Terrorizing the victim

Subtle threats which communicate that the abuser is dangerous or intends to harm the victim e.g cleaning or playing with a weapon in front of them

Using mental health issues the victim has to blame them for the abusers behavior or deny that that certain things happened

Threatening suicide or self harm if the victim leaves or doesn’t do what the abuser wants

Making the victim responsible for the abuser

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is a broad term that is often thought of as forced sexual contact, however it also includes sexual behavior without touch. The behaviors below are sometimes related to age, for example, exposing a child to pornography is always sexually abusive whether or not the child wanted or asked to see it, whereas for adults, forcing the victim to watch pornography (whether by physical force or coercion) is sexual abuse. Behaviors include

Forcing the victim to engage in sexual activities (rape)

Engaging in sexual acts in front of the victim

Discussing sexual activities in front of the victim (especially children, by adults)

Exposing the victim to sexually explicit media such as pornography (especially children, by adults)

Threatening to force sexual contact upon the victim

Making inappropriate comments about the victims body, especially private parts

Sharing private information about the victim’s body or sexual relationships without their consent

Coercing the victim into performing sexual acts

Performing sexual acts with the victim while the victim is underage, intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent

Guilting the victim into sex or sexual contact

Pressuring the victim into sexual contact

Threatening the victim with harm unless they perform certain sexual acts or give the abuser sexual access

In the case of BDSM relationships and sexual interactions, ignoring one of the participants safe word

In the case of BDSM relationships and sexual interactions, blaming the victim for not using a safeword in circumstances where it is not applicable and/or possible, e.g. the abuser initiated a BDSM scene without prior discussion or consent, or one party is unable to vocalize

Engaging in sexual contact with someone in any situation where the other party has not given clear, enthusiastic consent

Any situation where an adult engages in sexual contact with a minor

Sharing photos of the victim in their underwear/nude/engaged in sexual contact without their consent, or threatening to do so

Knowingly exposing the victim to STIs

Interfering with the victims birth control or safer sex methods

Deceiving the victim about the circumstances of sexual contact

Social Abuse

Social abuse is a less often discussed form of abuse where the abuser undermines the victims relationships and autonomy. Like other forms, behaviors here are often also applicable to other categories. Behaviors include

Not letting the victim see or speak to their friends and/or family

Making the victim feel guilty for having other relationships (except in monogamous relationships where one person is dating other people/'cheating’)

Going through the victims phone, emails, text messages. etc without their knowledge and/or consent

Spreading rumors about the victim

Telling the victim that their family/friends said things that they didn’t say

Telling the victim that only the abuser really cares about them

Manipulating the victim into confrontations with family/friends (e.g. encouraging them to raise an issue then withdrawing support during/after the confrontation)

Outing the victim if they are LGBT+ 

Telling other people about mental health issues the victim has

Telling people about abuse the victim has experienced

Telling people that the victim is abusive when it’s not true, or claiming they did certain abusive actions that they didn’t do

Humiliating or embarrassing the victim in front of others

Criticizing or putting the victim down in front of others

Engaging in subtle acts of abuse, manipulation, intimidation etc to show others how 'crazy’ or 'unstable’ the victim is

Interfering in the victims relationships in any way

Taking away the victims phone, computer, internet or other forms of communication

Disallowing the victim to communicate in ways that they want or need to e.g. not allowing autistic children or partners to stim, disallowing deaf or nonverbal children or partners to use sign language

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse is another kind of abuse that’s often not discussed. It generally revolves around interfering with the victims finances. It’s also referred to as economic abuse. Behaviors include

Forcing the victim to give the abuser their paycheck or government assistance payment/s

Telling the victim what they can and cannot buy

Punishing the victim for spending money

If the abuser is the sole income earner, forcing the victim to beg for money

Refusing to provide the victim with things they need

Stealing money from the victim

Forcing the victim to share bank accounts

Not allowing you to see or keep your own financial records

Not allowing you to go to work or gain employment

Jeopardizing your job by making you late, harassing you at work etc

Spending money on themselves but not allowing the victim to do the same

Forcing the victim to pay the abusers bills, car payments, rent, court fines etc

Using their position as sole breadwinner to manipulate or control you

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse is often thought of as swearing at the victim. While that is part of it, there are many more behaviors which are also verbally abusive. Behaviors include

Talking over and/or interrupting

Frequent criticism 

Using sarcasm to dismiss or belittle the victim

Constantly arguing with the victim

Swearing at the victim

Shouting at/over the victim

Using their voice and/or words to cause fear and/or intimidate the victim

Mocking and/or making fun of the victim, teasing them

name-calling

Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is another form of abuse that’s often left out of discussions but is still very important. While it’s generally thought of in a religious context, it can also be used against those who are not part of organized religions or do not have spiritual beliefs. In essence, it undermines a person’s spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof.  Behaviors include

Not allowing the victim to attend religious services, gatherings or meetings

Telling the victim that their beliefs are wrong, bad or silly

Telling the victim that they’re 'going to hell’ or are 'damned’

Forcing or coercing the victim into changing their religious or spiritual beliefs, or lack thereof

A person in a position of authority within a religious or spiritual organization demanding unquestioned loyalty or making unreasonable demands 

A person in a position of authority excluding certain individuals, often on the basis of sexual/romantic orientation or transgender status but can also be due to ethnicity, gender, class, disability etc

Shaming individuals for not paying tithing or giving money to a church/religious/spiritual organization/group

Hopefully I have covered most kinds of abuse here, however I will certainly add to this if I’ve missed anything. I know it’s a long post, but if you would be able to share this to raise awareness, I would really appreciate it. Many people are aware that abuse happens but far less people know how abuse is defined. This is not a complete list but I hope that it can serve as a guide to those wondering if what they are experiencing is in fact abuse. 

[divided-self-blog]

A Definition of Mindfulness

“Mindfulness is ‘awareness without judgment of what is, via direct and immediate experience’. You’re being mindful when

you eat dessert and notice every flavor you are tasting, instead of eating the dessert while having a conversation and looking around the room to see who you know. If you’re being mindful, you’re not thinking about ‘is it good or bad to have dessert?’ you’re just really having dessert.

having gotten free of your anxiety or self-consciousness, you dance to music and experience every note, instead of wondering if you look graceful or foolish.

thinking about someone you love or someone you hate, you pay attention to exactly what your love or your hate feels like. You’re not caught up in justifying the love or hate to yourself; you’re just diving into the experience, with full awareness that you’re diving in.

you walk through a park, you actually walk through the park. What does that mean? It means you let yourself ‘show up’ in the park. You walk through the park aware of your feelings about the park, or your thoughts about the park, or how the park looks, or the sensation of each foot striking the pavement. This is different than taking a walk in the park and not ‘showing up’ – instead, walking through the park while you are distracted by thoughts of what you’ll have for lunch, or the feelings towards a friend with whom you just argued, or worries about how you’re going to pay this month’s bills.

... To summarize, mindfulness is awareness, without judgment, of life as it is, yourself as you are, other people as they are, in the here and now, via direct and immediate experience. When you are mindful, you are awake to life on its terms – fully alive to each moment as it arrives, as it is, and as it ends.”

Cindy Sanderson - “Mindfulness for Clients, Their Friends, and Family Members”

[the-courage-to-heal]

[divided-self-blog]

A [psychiatric] patient may experience a number of symptom patterns. Many such patterns have long been observed to overlap. In the DSM and ICD systems, the use of fixed definitions and strict criteria (e.g., four out of six, not three out of six, items on a diagnostic checklist) forces an artificial separation of conditions that are frequently related. Symptoms that may be etiologically, phenomenologically, or contextually interconnected are described as co-morbid conditions, as if these discrete problems coexist more or less accidentally in the same person, much as a sinus infection and a broken toe might coexist. Assumptions about discrete, unrelated, co-morbid conditions are rarely justified by compelling data such as clear genetic, biochemical, and neurophysiological distinctions between syndromes. The cut-off criteria for diagnosis are often arbitrary decisions of committees rather than conclusions drawn from the best scientific evidence.

Introduction to the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual (2006). 

[divided-self-blog]

One of the ways that the DSM gets personality really wrong ... is that they try to talk about personality in terms of present versus absent traits. But people aren’t really organized around traits. In fact, if you see one trait, you often see the opposite trait. Every fanatically neat person I’ve ever known has a dirty drawer somewhere. Every person I’ve known who shrinks from relationship because they’re kind of schizoid has moments of incredible connection with other people. This is something that Jung was really onto. And what differentiates people is it’s not a trait at the end of that spectrum, it’s the spectrum itself. It’s being organized around that issue. So a paranoid person is organized around trust and distrust. And you’ll see both. They’ll be very distrustful, but some paranoid people will think that their cult leader is flawless, so they’re like pathologically over-trusting in some area. But the whole area of trust itself is the issue.

Nancy McWilliams on Shrink Rap Radio #376: “A Psychodynamic Understanding of Personality Structure” (2013).

[divided-self-blog]

If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Tim Kreider - “I Know What You Think Of Me” (2013)

[pittrarebooks]

A History of Radical Therapy

In 1969, The Radical Therapist began in the unlikeliest of places: Minot, North Dakota. It was the brainchild of three officers in the U.S. Air Force Regional Hospital. Together with several other friends and staff members, they formed a collective that solicited articles, editors and subscriptions, and worked to produce and distribute the journal. Emerging in the context of the radical counterculture, The Radical Therapist was an “alternate journal” in the mental health field and criticized mainstream psychiatric treatment and philosophy of the time.  Its motto was “Therapy means social, political and personal change, not adjustment”. 

The primary objective of the journal was to critique the therapy “establishment” and to advance their own view of a “radical” approach to therapy that emphasized social justice and societal change.  The journal and its creators often enthusiastically supported and promoted other movements of the time from gay liberation to anti-war efforts. They were also careful to outline the ways in which traditional therapy ideology and practice might contribute to sexist, homophobic, and racist oppression. 

In 1971, a few of the original founding members of the collective moved to Somerville, MA and began to cultivate a new movement there.  Within this new organization, political tensions began to develop over the significance of terms like “radical” and “therapist” as well as who ought to be the primary audience of the journal.  Accordingly, the journal changed its name to Rough Times in 1972, and by July of that year the collective was almost entirely composed of people without any clinical therapy experience. From this point, the journal’s articles were mainly written by and for people who were not therapists.  In 1974, the journal changed name again to become RT: A Journal of Radical Therapy.

Finally in 1976, the journal reached its final form.  State and Mind was published into the 1980s and continued on the work of exposing psychiatric abuses, supporting the victims of those abuses, looking for positive radical alternatives to therapy, and presenting articles that examine the effects of our economic and social systems on mental health.

One notable contributor to the journal was Pittsburgh’s own JoAnn Evansgardner, a proud feminist and brilliant psychologist.  She worked tirelessly to combat the sexist practices within psychological institutions and promote the health and wellbeing of women. More about her professional work and activism can be found at the Archive Service Center.

-Zach Grewe, student employee

References

Wikipedia contributors, “The Radical Therapist,” Wikipedia.

Archives Service Center, “JoAnn Evansgardner and Gerald H.F. Gardner Papers.” 

“Advertisements,” The Radical Therapist.  Vol 2, No 5.   February 1972.

Henley, Nancy.  “Ten Years in the Life of a Radical Psychology Journal - A Personal Perspective,”  State and Mind. Vol 7, No 3. Summer 1980.  

[beware-beware]

The traumatic event challenges an ordinary person to become a theologian, a philosopher, and a jurist. The survivor is called upon to articulate the values and beliefs that she once held and that the trauma destroyed. She stands mute before the emptiness of evil, feeling the insufficiency of any known system of explanation. Survivors of atrocity of every age and every culture come to a point in their testimony where all questions are reduced to one, spoken more in bewilderment than in outrage: Why?

Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery (via beware-beware)

[divided-self-blog]

What does trust mean in a relationship?

(Excerpt from Struggle for Intimacy by Janet G. Woititz)

“What does trust mean in a relationship? There are several components. First, trust means that your partner will not abuse your feelings, and that you will show your feelings. Right there you are stymied, as you are entering into an arena outside your range of experience. Trusting others is one of the primary things you have guarded against since childhood, and I am telling you that it’s not going to work anymore.

One of the things that makes a good, healthy relationship so scary, is that trusting is the opposite of what you have learned to do. You must trust that person you care about will not want to hurt you, and you must show some of yourself. This is the beginning of getting to know someone in a very real way. Trust also means that you will not abuse your partner’s feelings and that he/she will be able to show them to you. It goes both ways.

Secondly, trust means honesty: the other person will say what he means and mean what he says, and you will do likewise. Honesty allows you to trust the other person not to deliberately lie to you. When you reciprocate, this helps give substance to your relationship. You will know when you reach out that your hand will touch a solid arm, belonging to someone you can depend on. Your relationship won’t be ‘fly-by-night,’ and you won’t be confused.

Third, trust means that your partner will not willfully hurt you, and that you will not willfully hurt him/her. If it does happen, you will want to discuss ways to make sure it doesn’t happen again. We cannot always know, when getting to know another person, what will be hurtful. It is extremely important to be able to say, ‘It hurt me when you said that,’ and for the other person to say, ‘It’s important for me to know that; I don’t want to hurt you. I will try hard not to let it happen again.’

For many, trust, means the promise of no physical abuse. I get angry every time I hear that an adult had such terrible childhood experiences that when we talk about trust, it automatically means they want to be rid of this fear. Physical abuse is inexcusable in any relationship. Therefore, it is non-negotiable.

Fourth, trust means the freedom to be yourself without being judged. It means that you do not have to walk on eggs, that you can be who you are, and that the other person can be who he/she is. You are both okay. Not judging yourself, and not being judged, is a whole new experience, glorious and exhilarating. It is also scary as hell.

Fifth, trust means stability. There is certainty about the other person, and about the relationship. It means that tomorrow’s behavior will be similar to yesterday’s, that you can count on things, and you can plan. It means you know that if you have plans to go somewhere on Saturday, when Saturday comes you will be able to do it. Stability, being very inconsistent with your childhood experiences, may be difficult to learn and to accept in another person.

Sixth, trust means commitment to the relationship, to the degree that the couple has agreed to be committed to the relationship. If your partner has said, ‘I will see only you; you are the only one with whom I am going to bed,’ you need to be able to believe it.

Likewise, if you have offered the same thing, you need to behave accordingly. What is important in a relationship to make you feel comfortable, once agreed upon, you can feel secure will be kept.

Lastly, trust means that confidences will be kept. You won’t have to worry about anyone else knowing your secrets. Neither will you share the secrets of your partner. It is especially important, when you have an argument, to know that these confidences will not be used against you.

Because trust is different for different people, it can mean whatever a couple decides it means to them, individually, and together.

The facets of trust I have discussed here, although essential to a healthy relationship, are difficult to build. Trusting another person doesn’t happen overnight, and you needn’t criticize yourself because you find it difficult. Perhaps one of the easiest ways a couple can begin to trust each other is to discuss the difficulties they have with trust and acknowledge that it is something to aim for. They need to commit themselves to working on trust on a step-by-step basis as the relationship develops. It is something you can automatically give to another person in the depth that has been discussed here. It is important for you to know that developing trust is an essential part of the process of building a healthy relationship.

At this stage, you may only hear the words and not have any idea of how to put them into practice. This is not unusual, but eventually you will learn to trust.”

Janet G. Woititz, Struggle for Intimacy (1985)

[divided-self-blog]

The DSM, arbitrarily and without empirical basis, differentiates between schizoid and avoidant psychology, postulating that Avoidant Personality Disorder includes a wish to be close despite the taking of distance while Schizoid Personality Disorder represents an indifference to closeness. Yet I have never seen a person, among mental health patients or otherwise, whose reclusiveness was not originally conflictual… We are animals who seek attachment. The detachment of the schizoid person represents, among other things, the defensive strategy of withdrawal from overstimulation, traumatic impingement, and invalidation, and most experienced psychoanalytic clinicians know not to take it at face value, however severe and off-putting it may appear.

Nancy McWilliams (2006). “Some Thoughts on Schizoid Dynamics.” Psychoanalytic Review, 93, 1-24.

[divided-self-blog]

One woman I worked with, who struggled every session to talk at all, finally called me on the telephone, weeping. “I want you to know that I do want to talk to you,” she said, “but it hurts too much.” We were eventually able to make therapeutic progress in a highly unconventional way, by my reading to her from the more accessible and less pejorative psychoanalytic literature on schizoid psychology and asking her if the descriptions fit her experience. My hope was to spare her the agony of formulating and giving voice to feelings she regarded as incomprehensible to others and symptomatic of a profound, lone madness. She reported that it was the first time she had known that there were other human beings like her.

Nancy McWilliams (2006). “Some Thoughts on Schizoid Dynamics.” Psychoanalytic Review, 93, 1-24.

[divided-self-blog]

The problem of relationship is a problem of fusion-isolation. On the one hand, one must learn to relate to another without giving way to the desire to slip out of isolation by becoming part of that other. But one must also learn to relate to another without reducing the other to a tool, a defense against isolation. … It is the facing of aloneness that ultimately allows one to engage another deeply and meaningfully.

Irvin D. Yalom (1980). “Existential Isolation.” Existential Psychotherapy

[astranemus]

Looked at superficially, people appear to function well enough in economic and social life; yet it would be dangerous to overlook the deep-seated unhappiness behind that comforting veneer. If life loses its meaning because it is not lived, man becomes desperate. People do not die quitely from physical starvation; they do not die quietly from psychic starvation either. If we look only at the economic needs as far as the “normal” person is concerned, if we do not see the unconscious suffering of the average automatized person, then we fail to see the danger that threatens our culture from its human basis: the readiness to accept any ideology and any leader, if only he promises excitement and offers a political structure and symbols which allegedly give meaning and order to an individual’s life. The despair of the human automaton is fertile soil for the political purposes of Fascism.

Erich Fromm, Escape from Freedom

[divided-self-blog]

Often, the Avoidant person will come out of a period of loneliness with a renewed commitment to see a new partner in more a positive light.  They want to give relationships another shot, hoping their resolve will continue and for a while they will be happy with a new opportunity.  Sometimes the newness of a relationship helps the Avoidant person successfully “show up” with their feelings, wishes and needs.   However, our Attachment Styles are pretty resilient.  We need conscious effort to change them and if our patterns are not dealt with successfully, the withdrawal of the Avoidant person ignites the pursuit of the Anxious person and that well-known dance of pursuer-distancer begins.

J. Alan Graham - “On Relationships: The Avoidant Style”

[divided-self-blog]

Avoidant people often long for relationships when they are alone although they use “deactivating strategies” to cope.  "Deactivating strategies” are those mental processes by which the Avoidant person convinces themselves that being alone is just as good or better than being in relationship… Further, the Avoidant person may long for the ideal lover, reviewing how all previous potential partners fell short of that ideal and rationalize their single status with impossibly high standards. These deactivating strategies are also used when an Avoidant person is in a relationship. They may prioritize things that take them away from the relationship and mentally dismiss the importance of the relationship.  They may focus on their partner’s shortcomings and all the ways the relationship isn’t ideal.  This helps them manage the anxiety they are in denial about. Ultimately, this strategy leads to conflict and disconnection.  The Avoidant person sends mixed messages, fails to say, “I love you” and is very hesitant to commit.  These tendencies may show up in non-romantic relationships as well although they are most noticeable in romantic relationships.

J. Alan Graham - “On Relationships: The Avoidant Style”

[divided-self-blog]

You do have a core personality. It can just be hard for you to recognize what comprises it, on your own. You're too close to it. Other people can see it more clearly though. This feeling that you don't have a personality, or you aren't representing yourself accurately, or that your true nature isn't seen and understood by others is a common refrain in personality disorders, so you aren't alone. It manifests a bit differently with everyone though. If some worst-case scenario came about and all your friends met, they would still feel like they knew your core personality, even though they've had different experiences with you. No matter how much you mirror, you're still doing it through the filters of your unique mind. That's how it all make sense as a comprehensive whole, no matter how far afield you go in conforming or placating or mimicking or hiding or simply having a disordered and frantic public self-narrative... In the end, you might compartmentalize more, or mirror more, than average, but ultimately your self-perception is what is fragmented, not other people's perception of you. That's not to say that they know you accurately. Just that they know you about as accurately as they are used to knowing anyone. Accurately, in some respects, and inaccurately in others.

desvoeuxensis on /r/AvPD