Incorrect D&D Party Quotes

Quotes taken from The Party's travels | Very stereotypical roles for the classes | Lmk if you know the source for a quote I haven't cited | Run by KimKat0500

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Paladin: Perhaps we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this. Fighter: I agree. Except replace the word “non” with “extremely”, and after the word “violent”, include the phrase, “blood explosion extraordinaire.”

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Rogue: Criminal record? I don’t have a criminal record! The only illegal thing I’ve done is absolutely killing it on the dance floor! Rogue: Just kidding! I’ve killed people.

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Sorcerer: I have an idea, guys! Sorcerer: … Sorcerer: We start a fire! Warlock: That is a terrible self-destructive plan, and I’m behind you 100%.

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"My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look." ~Rogue

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Bard: *playing a G4 on loop* Sorcerer: *a tear starts to roll down their cheek* [window error noises]

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Fighter: I live for two reasons.

Monk: And those would be?

Fighter: I was born and I haven't died yet.

[dndclassesquotes]

Fighter: Please, don’t say anything to Paladin! Rogue: You want me to lie to Paladin? Fighter: Is that a problem? Rogue: No.

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Wizard: Now I will show you your fortune. Warlock: Cool, I guess. Wizard: Card #1 is Death. Okay... Wizard: Card #2... also Death? Wizard: *frantically flipping cards* Wizard: Why is every card death, what the fuck, I don't even have that many death cards! Warlock: Figures.

[dndclassesquotes]

Rogue: Wait, I can explain. NPC Guard: Can you? Rogue: Yeah, just give me a couple of minutes to think of a lie.

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Paladin: If you don't mind, I've got things to do. Fighter: What things? You don't do things. Paladin: Yes, I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods. Fighter: And kill homicidal Demon Overlords? Paladin: VERY enthusiastic walks.

[dndclassesquotes]

Rogue: For tonight’s final illusion, we have the incredible Sack of Mystery. When you put your money in it, it mysteriously disappears! NPC: [putting money in the bag] Oh yeah! That makes perfect sense! This was totally worth the trip!

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Sorcerer: You know, I almost can’t believe it, but Warlock’s room is actually pretty normal. Warlock: What did you expect? Sorcerer: I don’t know… a coffin?

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“If I am killed by Bloodhunter, do not prosecute them! Because they caught me slipping, and that is on me.” ~Rogue

[dndclassesquotes]

Paladin: Can you do something for me?

Rogue: I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for it.

Paladin: Can you do the dishes?

Rogue: *already leaving the room* No.

[dndclassesquotes]

Cleric: What are you drinking? Bard: Vodka. Cleric: Straight? Bard: No, I'm pan. Cleric: NOT YOU THE VODKA!

[dndclassesquotes]

Rogue: Speaking of folks we could do without, Warlock is back. Fighter: *sighing* That explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.

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Barbarian: [over the phone] Hi~ Cleric: Sorry, I’m busy right now. Barbarian: Would drinking 18 cans of red bull to stay awake and fight be bad for my health? Cleric: I’m on my way.