Do boys know???? How EXHAUSTING it is?????? To be AROUND them??????
Like, Iām here to vent right now. I was the oldest in my house, and the only girl. When I was growing up, I did ALL my work by myself.
And when THEY got to the he I was, when I started doing chores? Well. They were the youngest. They needed HELP.
So I helped them. At 8 years old, Iād clean the entire living room, vacuum, sweep, dust, put away toys, dig in and under the couches. No tv while I worked, because that was distracting. No help, because I had to learn personal responsibility.
When HE was 8 years old? TV on. Zoning out with his mouth hanging open every five minutes with whatever he was picking up in his hand. Refused to sweep. MELTDOWNS over putting toys away. And of COURSE I had to help him, poor little muffin, because he hasnāt been taught HOW.
So of course he shoves everything under the couch and runs off and I HAVE TO FINISH IT, because āyouāre the oldest, you have to be responsible.ā
Zoom forwards a few years. I tell him, you need to put soap in the sink when you do dishes. The water needs to be warm, or the oil wonāt come off. See this? Thereās still food stuck on. Here, Iāll show you how.
Do they listen? FUCK no. They all do it wrong and put them away dirty and I HAVE TO DO IT, PLUS ALL THE NEW SHIT.
Okay, fine. Ill do all the dishes forever from now on. Can you PLEASE clean the bathroom, then?
NOPE. Telling me youāre āDONEā with whole ass globs of toothpaste in the sink, because you refuse to listen when I tell you how to brush your teeth, too. Never clean the toilet. Never sweep the floor. Never wipe the counter.
I tell him, ādude, you didnāt do it. Go back and finish it properly.ā He says, āI DID, I SWEAR TO GOD, show me ONE THING I MISSEDā. And I DO. I show him FIFTY things he missed. I show him how to do it right. I demonstrate. I explain my reasoning. Does he listen? NOPE. IM A HUGE BITCH NITPICKING DETAILS. BOY THERE IS PISS ON THIS FLOOR, THAT IS NO āāāDETAILāāā.
Fast forwards. Iām living independent, do my laundry, cook dinners, clean my house. HE hasnāt mastered SHAMPOO. Doesnāt clean for SHIT. Doesnāt believe in bedsheets. Thinks pillowcases and clothes that fit are a government conspiracy. Smells like the back end of whatever animal he ate instead of a vegetable this month, because I was full of it when I told him about balanced nutrition, I guess.
Now. NOW. Visiting home, different brother. āDude I told you three times this week, just toss your work clothes in the basket and Iāll wash them, you smell like ass and Iām sick of you not doing it yourselfā. And the ATTITUDE. BUDDY IM TRYING TO PHYSICALLY PULL YOU FROM A BURNING CAR AND YOU WONT EVEN DO ME THE DECENCY OF COOPERATING. WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING ME.
Literally FIVE SECONDS LATER Brother number THREE. āDude you pissed all over the bathroom seat and didnāt flush Iām gonna need you to get on thatā. Nope. Gonna keep playing video games. Wait ten minutes and check again. āDUDE. YOU TURNED THE BATHROOM INTO A PISS N SLIDE. FLUSH AND WIPE. COME ON.ā
Go downstairs and find out Dad Dearest has used a can of spray paint indoors. Again. For the sixth fucking time. Overspray on fucking everything. Could not be stopped. Even hid all the cans after round 3. āYouāre making a big deal out of nothingā. Oh, the Fuck I am? Eat shit. Grown ass man SPRAYPAINTING INDOORS, NO VENTILATION, NO CIRCULATION, NO MASK, NO OPEN WINDOWS, JUST LETTING THE FUCK LOOSE. OKAY. ALRIGHT. COOL. FUCK BREATHING I GUESS. FURNITURE LOOKS LIKE A BIRD SHAT IN A FAN BUT WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW RIGHT
I go to work. Sweating my ASS off. Guy Saunters over to check out my ass and asks me when I get off. I GET OFF AT 9 P FUCKIN M ASSHOLE, GET OUT OF MY FACE, I KNOW YOUR ASS IS HOMELESS AND UNEMPLOYED AND YOU GOT A BABY YOU DONT PAY FOR, EAT SHIT. Iām here to pay my bills and earn respect and you see an easy Fuck just WAITING for your mediocre ass to swoop in? The AUDACITY.
Old man numero uno, you know the one that never paid child support when I was growing up? Offers to pick up my mail and fucking LOSES MY TAX RETURN. *AND* MY DRIVERāS LICENCE. Hey no biggie you can just drive me for a while until I get a new one right? SIKE YOU LOST ***YOUR**** LICENCE ON A DUI.
Fuck. FUCK. Girls my age and younger dropping out of school for full-time jobs doing their best to raise babies while Daddy wanders around scratching his balls and bumming cigarettes.
And my Christ, old farmers telling me āas hon, shouldnāt cut your hair so short, gotta give a man something to run his fingers throughā. ACTUAL QUOTE. As if I should give a FUCK what some theoretical dream date might PREFER I DO WITH MY BODY when itās balls hot and I feel like Iām wearing a goddamn fur hat.
Then, āCareful darlin, never gonna get a date with an attitude like thatā. YOU FUCKING *PROMISE*, OLD MAN???
Mother FUCKER. You know the real reason I never wanna marry a guy? Why I m so against āsettling down and giving you some grandkidsā, mom????? BECAUSE IVE BEEN PLAYING MOMMY FOR FIFTEEN GODDAMNED YEARS AND IM *****TIRED***** NOW.
Aw, but donāt I wanna find a nice man? Someone who can tell me to grow my hair out so he can yank it when we have mediocre sex, leave his filthy jeans on the floor of my house and call me a nag when I tell him to do this own goddamn laundry once a week? Boy I canāt wait to get knocked up and spend a while fucking year in various stages of pain and discomfort so I can pop out His Kid keep doing what I already wasted my childhood on. And I canāt even give em my own damn last name
FUCK that. Iām gonna drink tea in a clean house that I paid for myself, and get old doing whatever the hell I want. Dye my hair neon green and paint the walls red, Iām no grown bastardās fucking Mommy anymore
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