i. he’s been called a monster too many times to count; gavin could if he wanted to but it would take longer than he has time for and he’s not sure he can even count that high. (he remembers the first time they met and the look in ryan’s eyes, and how even then, the word ‘monster’ wasn’t one he’d used to describe him. dangerous, maybe. killer, maybe. but never monster.)
ii. he does not know how to love something without holding on so tight he breaks it. ryan is tough, sure, but gavin was never taught how to not ruin everything he touches. (he has a habit of digging his claws in and not knowing how to let go without losing it. like, his parents. like, girls he has loved before. like, boys he has loved before. like, maybe ryan.)
iii. this life never lets you go happy. you find a crew and a family but they’ll always leave. people find better things and they always leave. gavin doesn’t want to call it abandonment but turning your back on someone you love and leaving them is quite possibly the worst thing you could do. (ray did, what makes him think ryan won’t?)
i. ryan has only ever been called a monster when he’s wearing his mask. sometimes, gavin imagines getting close enough to take it off and close enough to run his fingers through ryan’s hair, and close enough to kiss him. kiss him like he’s wanted to for longer than he has time to figure out. (every time he has died in the past, it has been with a scream or a choke. he figures he could die happy if he got to kiss ryan even once.)
ii. ryan is made of something stronger than porcelain or glass. he will not shatter or crack if gavin holds too tight or not tight enough; he doesn’t need to be held to be whole. (maybe ryan doesn’t hold on tight like gavin does, but he’s always been worried that if his crew left him, he might just fall apart. gavin wraps himself tight around ryan and is never asked to let go.)
iii. ryan was never the same after ray left. he was quieter behind his mask and always seemed so distant, so far away. when you spend years dying beside your friend, dying alone is just that– dying alone. (ryan says one day he could do this for the rest of his life and gavin wants to pretend he means with them. it’s not hard to imagine them, together for the rest of their lives. gavin has never wanted anything more.)
iv. gavin loves him. (that’s a good enough reason.)
– the boy doesn’t need to know he loves him, he just has to want it.
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