Bat Dragon

he/him | adult

[fotibrit]

tony’s default is to love to the point of invention. He wants to make things work for people and find solutions and make himself worthwhile. He wants his loved ones lives to be easier, and he wants to be the one to make it because it’s the best he can do for them.

But i find the opposite to be the most compelling expression of love from tony. Not to love to the point of invention, but to trust to the point of decompression. He spends so much time trying to make himself useful, but he has such a hard time believing people when they tell him they don’t want it. When Tony can trust someone enough to believe them when they say they don’t need anything, it is so much more a sign of connection than when he works tirelessly for them.

To hear that he is wanted even when unproductive, and to trust that. To understand that he *could* give them more, and to not do it unless they ask. The vulnerability of being less than your best and trusting someone to stick around.

[itsagentromanoff]

Bucky: We should set up a simulator.

Tony: Uh, don't we need to get Cap's approval?

Bucky: Yeah, but that shouldn't be a big problem--

Tony: He loves to say no to me. That is his favorite thing to do.

Bucky: Maybe you should refrain from calling him a jackass.

Tony: [shrugs] I can't help it, 'cause he is one.

Bucky: Maybe I should ask him.

Tony: Would you? He's in gym.

Bucky: [turns to leave but stops] You just called me down here so that I would go to Steve for you, made me feel like it was my idea.

Tony: Aren't I good?

Bucky: Amazing.

[fotibrit]

Morgan’s paternal family is a sore subject she grows to avoid. There’s some safe zone in between recognizing the name of her father and not recognizing it that nobody ever quite manages to stay in. Some are overenthusiastic about the Stark name, some forced neutral. But they’re always so busy trying to decide which side of the line that they’re on that they forget to react to the “was”. “My dad was Tony Stark”. Because he was, but he’s not anymore. He’s not her dad, and he hasn’t been for a while. No matter how good it was for the world, it wasn’t good enough for her. Not for what she deserved. She didn’t ask for the savor of the world as a dad, but thats what she got. And now she gets to visit a grave on fathers day and pretend she knows more about Tony Stark than the view at his memorial site.

Happy Father’s day, Morgan Stark. Your father did the best he could and I’m sorry that it wasn’t what you deserved.

[rianshark]

that’s on Tony’s lab door.

Next to the “DO NOT ENTER” sign.

[batsandbirdbrains]

Picture this: a scenario where the JL doesn’t know Batman & Robin’s secret identities yet. Maybe they don’t even know if Robin is real or just a rumor online. And they’re discussing a time for their next meeting when Batman just interjects:

“Saturday won’t work for me. My son’s baseball team is having a bake sale.”

The entire room goes silent, because no one realized Batman even had a kid. Or went out in the daylight.

“What?” one of the others asks, still shocked.

“A bake sale,” Batman says slowly, like they’re all a little stupid. “It’s a fundraiser.”

“I know what a bake sale is! But since when do you have a kid?”

“Have you not met Robin?” he asks, sounding genuinely surprised. “He’s been to the Watchtower several times now.”

“Robin’s your kid?” gets asked first, followed closely by someone else asking, “Robin is real?”

“Can’t you just drop him off?” Superman asks, trying to calm the situation.

“Well I’m also the coach, so that probably wouldn’t be setting a very good example for the kids, Superman.”

“You’re the coach?” Someone asks.

“Yes.”

“Of a little league team?”

“Yes.”

“Are we in the Twilight Zone?” Hal whispers to Barry, who shushes him.

“Will Sunday work?” Superman asks quickly, wanting this to get resolved.

“So long as it’s over with by 4pm.”

“Why?”

“I told Robin I’d take him to the Gotham Knights game.”

Everyone’s heads are spinning. Batman is actually acting like a normal guy with a normal kid. This is not at all what they imagined he was like outside of the cowl. Some of them didn’t think he ever actually took the cowl off at all.

That Sunday, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson are seen on TV arriving a little late to sit behind home plate at the Gotham Knights game. Dick, 9 years old, looks very grumpy about being late until Bruce gets him a giant ice cream to make up for the fact that his meeting ran long. It still takes a few years before the JL find out Bruce Wayne is Batman.

[marveldcandmore]

Road Trip: Tony Stark vs. Two Gremlins

Tony agreed to this trip for exactly three reasons:

1. Legal obligations

2. Poor decision-making

3. He thought they’d both sleep the whole way

He was wrong.

Hour 1 — Optimism (Tony’s last mistake)

Tony Stark has coffee, a full tank of gas, and the delusional belief he is in control.

Peter Parker is politely buckled in, hands folded, “Thank you for taking us, Mr. Stark.” Absolute angel.

Harley Keener is quiet. Too quiet. Already planning crimes.

Tony: “See? This will be fine.”

Narrator: It was not fine.

Hour 2 — The Snacks Incident

Peter offers Tony a granola bar “because you need protein.”

Tony is briefly touched.

Harley opens a bag of something radioactive-colored.

Tony: “What is that?”

Harley: “Gas station nacho dust peanuts.”

Peter: “I think they’re illegal in six countries.”

Tony regrets everything.

Hour 3 — Chaos Awakens

Peter starts asking science questions. Rapid-fire. No breathing.

Harley starts answering incorrectly on purpose.

They argue. Loudly. Passionately.

Peter: “That’s not how aerodynamics works!”

Harley: “It literally is. I watched a YouTube video.”

Peter: “FROM WHO?”

Harley: “A guy named JetDude420.”

Tony turns the radio up. It does nothing.

Hour 4 — Gremlin Synergy Achieved

They discover they can annoy Tony together.

Peter reads road signs in increasingly dramatic voices

Harley adds sound effects

They start rating billboards like Olympic judges

“Corn Palace: 7/10. Strong architecture, weak concept.”

Tony grips the steering wheel like it personally betrayed him.

Hour 5 — The Backseat Betrayal

Tony hears suspicious whispering.

Tony: “What are you two doing?”

Peter: “Nothing!”

Harley: “Absolutely nothing.”

He checks the rearview mirror.

They are building a contraption out of snack wrappers and earbuds.

Tony: “If that explodes—”

Peter: “It won’t!”

Harley: “Probably.”

Tony considers driving into the ocean.

Hour 6 — Emotional Warfare

Peter switches tactics: Weaponized Adorableness™

Peter: “Mr. Stark, are you tired? You should pull over and rest.” 🥺

Tony: “…Don’t use the eyes.”

Harley: “Yeah, he practiced those.”

Peter: “I did not.”

Harley: “He did. In the mirror.”

Tony feels a migraine forming.

Hour 7 — The Sing-Along Disaster

Harley starts singing. Loudly. Badly.

Peter joins. Earnestly. Even worse.

They don’t know the lyrics.

They don’t care.

Tony: “I will buy you both noise-canceling headphones if you stop.”

Peter & Harley (simultaneously): “NO.”

Hour 8 — Tony’s Villain Origin Story

Silence finally falls.

Tony dares to hope.

He glances back.

They are asleep.

Peter curled against the window, hoodie half over his face

Harley sprawled sideways, one shoe missing

Crumbs everywhere

An empty juice bottle rolling with every turn

Tony sighs.

Tony (softly): “Gremlins.”

He lowers the AC so they don’t wake up.

Bonus: When They Wake Up

Peter: “Are we there yet?”

Harley: “I gotta pee.”

Tony: “I’m turning this car around.”

[minimarvelh]

Tony: *sits next to Rhodey and deeply sighs*

Rhodey: *rolls his eyes and looks up exasperatedly* what happened again, Tones?

Tony: do you think Peter likes me? I mean…does he see me as his dad-I mean, as his mentor?

Rhodey:

Rhodey: you literally adopted him two years ago and you're asking me if he likes you? Of course, I don't understand Gen Z generation too well, but it seems to me that they should love their parents. Especially, when the said parent is Iron Man.

Tony: yeah haha..you’re right, you’re right

*five minutes later*

Tony: but still..are you like, super sure?

[merlinficsandfallingsticks]

I'm just imagining the justice league figuring out Batman's faimly situation it'd be insane.

Green lantern: So you're a dad?

Batman: Hmm.

GL: Damn. Two kids is a lot.

Nightwing: Lmao. There's way more then two of us Hal.

Gl: ... three?

Batman: Ten.

Flash: TEN??

Gl: You do not have ten kids.

Batman: You're right. Legally I have around seven. I have more then that though.

Nightwing: You lost count

Batman: I lost count yeah.

GL: ... jeez I feel bad for your wife

Batman raised one eyebrow looking at him: "They're adopted, except for one."

GL: okay yeah but still it would be a lot of work for her raising them.

"... I don't have a wife Hal."

"Then who is their mom???"

"They don't have a mom."

"To be fair they did go and pick out their own moms."

"And dads." Batman said raising one eyebrow at Nightwing who grinned at him.

"You have to admit Superman is a good option."

"He is."

"So, wait, all this time we've just been bullying a single dad of ten kids?" Hal asked and Batman nodded once, trying not to look amused.

"Well. Great."

"He's also autistic." NIghtwing said and Hal's panicked look increased.

"Ah JEEZ-"

"And an orphan-"

"OKAy we get it"

[the-jason-todd-impreganator]

Alfred: Master Bruce, Damian is spending one night with John. You will be fine.

Bruce: Yes. Of course. I, a middle aged man, can go without coddling one of my children for one night.

Bruce:

Bruce, already dialing numbers: Tim, would you like to spend the night at the manor? We could patrol together like old times. We haven't done that since you told me you were dating boy Stephanie.

Tim: You mean when I came out as bi on Christmas on top of gargoyles??

Bruce: . . . Is that a yes, or?

Tim: No, sorry, I have a date with Bernard and the night off... I'm free Friday though! And I have this really cool case—

Bruce: Okay bye.

Bruce: Dammit! I hate when they have relationships and lives outside crime fighting.

Alfred: I am aware, Master Bruce.

Bruce, dialing another number: Hey, chum, are you busy tonight?

Dick: . . . Uh.

Dick, looking around the literal spaceship he's in currently:

Dick, looking to the Titans:

Dick, looking at the bandages covering most of his torso:

Dick: Yes—

Bruce, hanging up: I did not adopt this many kids to never be able to see any of them. I know you said no more, Alfred, but—

Alfred: Not unless you marry one of them many fine women you have charmed and have a child that does not dress as a flashlight, storybook character, or animal.

Bruce, groaning as he dials another number: Cass! Sweetheart! My only daughter! How are you? We haven't seen each other in a while. Would you like to spend the night and patrol together?

Cassandra: Sorry, can't.

Bruce: Why not?

Cassandra: It is... personal.

Bruce: . . . You guys have personal lives now?!

Cassandra: Tim is missing a spleen.

Bruce: Tim is irrelevant until he breaks up with his boyfriend and buries himself into his work again.

Cassandra: . . .

Bruce: That sounded bad.

Cassandra: Yes... Okay bye I'm going to go have rooftop sex with Stephanie now.

Bruce, staring at the phone as he's hung up on:

Bruce: . . . Do I have more kids?

Alfred: Do you?

Bruce: I do...

Bruce, reluctantly dialing another number:

Bruce: Hello, my sweet darling angel baby boy.

Jason, with gunfire in the background, deadpanning: Hi, Dad.

Jason, shooting two men in the head:

Bruce: So, how have you been?

Jason: I shot the Joker in the dick last week.

Bruce: And I'm very proud of you for avoiding anything important. How has being a drug lord been?

Jason, sighing heavily, running a hand down his helmet-face: I sold a lot of heroine and meth. Is that what you wanna hear? That meth sales are up?

Bruce: It's better than the cyanide craze that happened last month when Gotham banned divorce for a weekend.

Jason: Yeah. So. Did you need something, or..?

Bruce: Oh. Right.

Bruce: Would you like to stay at the manor tonight?

Jason: . . . Who's asking?

Bruce: Me.

Jason: Oh god.

Jason: Did Damian die again?

Bruce: No, no, he's just—

Jason: Where's Tim?!

Bruce: He's dating boy Stephanie.

Jason: F*CK, I HATE BLONDE PEOPLE! Always ruining my nights!

Jason: Dick!?

Bruce: He's somewhere doing something. He's alive. That's as much as I check on usually with that one.

Jason: What is Cassandra doing!? She's literally unemployed!

Bruce: Stephanie.

Jason: Is she trying to bag the entire family? Good for her, but dammit!

Jason: Okay. Uh. Duke?!

Bruce: He's apparently not mine "legally" and has a "Mom."

Jason: What about Selina!?

Bruce: Why don't you want to spend time with your Father? :(

Jason: Why don't you want alone time?

Bruce: Jason Peter Todd-Wayne, name a full year I went without adopting another child when the manor was empty.

Jason: . . . Damn it! I need to get a girlfriend! Or Roy in a dress! Or just Roy!

Bruce: Get custody of his daughter as well if you do. I miss having a child around :(

Jason: Yeah, but Gotham citizens did a petition to stop you from adopting kids.

Bruce: I don't understand why :/

Jason: Bane wrote a ten paragraph letter as to why.

Bruce: . . . So, you'll come over? :)

Jason: Fine! Sure! Whatever! But you're sitting in on the zoom call I have tonight with my therapist!

Bruce: Hrn... A fine sacrifice. I'll get the photo albums ready.

[onebuckybitch]

Give me, "I knew I wasn't a girl since I learned the word," trans Tony Stark, please?

Like...

Give me six year old Tony looking at Howard and grimacing at his name and going, "Call me Tony, ew." And Howard being so shocked by it, but just nodding and agreeing. Maria having no issue with it because she loves dressing her little boy up in cute little suits and making a mini-business man out of him.

Give me twelve year old Tony getting his first period and sitting through poor sweet Edwin Jarvis explaining, to the best of his ability, what a period is, even though Tony's read the books and informed himself. Jarvis going to the store for supplies and people in town wondering who at the Stark household is in need of such things? Maria is far too old by now and they've only got that sweet little boy of theirs.

Give me 18 year old Tony, talking to Howard about hormone therapy and top surgery, because Howard and Maria had kept to the, "You might change your mind," camp all through his childhood and honored the name and pronouns, but didn't offer blockers or anything of the like.

Give me Howard finally conceding and saying, "Well, you're a man now, Tony. You're an adult. That's your choice. If that's what you want, and God knows I made you debate it for years-" "Too many fucking years, Howard," Tony adds.

Give me Tony Stark, playboy that he is. All his partners who have seen him in his entirety (because he's had some where he stayed fully clothed and just gave them head; let's be real, that mouth isn't just good for talking) have never once outed him to society, and even if they had, it wouldn't matter to Tony one rip.

Give me trans Tony Stark who, should he be outed to the media, would, "Yes, and?" his way right through that surprise interview, because his being trans has never been something he cares if someone knows. It's something he's always had a pretty good handle on, so who cares if people know? He won't answer to anything he's not and if people disrespect him, he has ways. The world knows Tony Stark and Tony Stark is who he always has been, and always will be.

Give me Tony waking up with a car battery attached to magnets in his chest and panicking, not because of the magnets, but because for the first time ever, he's in a place that is so unfamiliar and he honestly doesn't know how this part of him could be taken, and how much of him did they see? Give me Yinsen gently gripping his arm and telling him to breathe, telling him this new addition to his chest actually adjusted the other scars a bit, made it harder for people to tell what kind of scars they were. Tells him only Yinsen knows.

Give me Tony Stark slowly realizing, as the reactor finally settles in his chest, the Palladium no longer killing him once he's created the Starkium, that his gender has never been man, either. That he's always felt just slightly left because Tony Stark... has never quite been man, nor woman. Nor really mankind.

Give me Tony Stark who realizes that there's a reason he feels so at home with his robots. With his machines. In his lab. Give me a Tony Stark who studies the concept of nonbinary and agender identities and nonhuman identities.

Give me a Tony Stark who finally has a hold on who he is. Who they are. Who it is. Whatever feels right in a day. Give me a Tony Stark who sees a bright-eyed Peter Parker come into the lab one day after school and catches sight of the binder under Peter's shirt.

Give me a Tony Stark who gently opens the floor for a safe space for Peter, in subtle ways, to let Peter know he can tell Tony, if he wants, or not. Because it's not Tony's business.

Give me a Tony Stark that becomes Peter's elder queer, lightly admonishing him for wearing his binder too long, giving him advice on dating other boys, giving him the names of surgeons in the city when Peter says he wants to start looking into it.

Give me a trans Tony Stark as trans Peter Parker's mentor/father figure.

Give me Tony Stark knowing he's going to die in the final battle with Thanos and uploading his consciousness into a database, becoming an AI. Becoming part of the machines he's loved his entire life.

Give me eternal Tony Stark in the wires, finally free to be itself.

Please.

[eros-telesse]

Mutant Tony AU

Tony sitting in front of Scott : I think we should get a divorce.

Scott who was just sitting there drinking he's coffee : What are you doing?

Tony : Just practicing!

Scott : Why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

Tony : I don't know. i'm getting old, i think i'm having a mid-life crisis!

Scott : you don't even have a partner?

Tony : Hypothetically divorce me!

Scott : Okay, then i'm hypothetically taking half your assets.

Tony : Well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup.

Tony, to Hank : It's called a prenup, right?

Hank not even looking up from the newspaper he was reading right there : Yeah, it's a prenup, and you DID hypothetically sign one.

Scott : Who the fuck is this guy??

Hank : I'm his hypothetical lawyer in this divorce case.

Scott pointing at Bobby and Warren : Well, then, i'm taking the hypothetical kids!!

Scott, to Jean : Right? we can get those, right?

Jean who has just arrived and has no context : Yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids, don't worry about it.

Tony : Who the fuck is this hypothetical fucking idiot???

Jean : Wow, that is a lot of... Hypothetical insults!

Scott : this is MY hypothetical lawyer, and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other!

Tony getting up : How could you hypothetically do this to me?!

Scott also getting up : Because you hypothetically are an alcoholic!!

The six of them yelling at each other

Charles : Children please...

[vyynn]

Tony, pissed off at Thor: at least I didn't have a five head as a baby!

Thor: what are you implying.

Peter: don't worry, you grew into it.

Thor: WHAT IS THIS IMPLYING?

[brucedefender4eva]

Having an argument, and Bruce is trying to offer advice

Tim, sarcastically: Thank you so much, autism central, I think I’ll take it from here

Bruce, stunned: What the fuck?? This is friendly fire!

——

Hal: Gotta say, I love your Dad’s big naturals *makes squeezing motions with hands*

Cass, slowly turns around with horror etched on her face: What

Hal: *snaps picture* Lock Screen *flees before he gets stabbed*

——

Damian, his face very serious and stoic: Father, this mortal shell that I am bound by requires… *takes a deep breath* huggies

Bruce, trying so hard not to laugh: Did your brother teach you that? *pulling Damian into his arms*

Damian, satisfied yet slightly embarrassed look on his face: Yes, Richard said it was the best way to gain physical affection from you

Bruce: You just have to ask baby, maybe not like that, though, you sound pained

——

Bruce, watching Hal from afar: Hrn…

Dick: You’re so in love with him it’s redonkulous

Bruce, pleading softly: Please don’t say the word ‘redonkulous’ to me right now. I can’t handle it

——

Bruce: It’s a no, you guys, and nothing you say is going to change that. I’m putting my foot down

Duke: What if we kidnap Jason every night this week and force him to come to the family dinner

Bruce: …I’m picking my foot up

——

Hal: *saying something without thinking*

Bruce: *looking up at the cameras with a deadpan expression like he’s in The Office*

——

Alfred: I made beans and toast for breakfast. Later, I will make a meal with mushy peas

Bruce, who has traveled the entire world, has had all kinds of cultural food, and hates bland British food: Ooo yum… *strained smile*

Alfred: *nods and walks away*

Steph: That was a little flat, B man

Bruce: Shut up… whatever makes Alfred happy

Damian: I’m glad you share the same taste palette as me, Baba

Duke: What if we sneak out to go get some food? Like, actual food

Dick: I’m down

Jason: Well, let’s fucking hurry before he comes back!

——

Bruce: Let me in there! I’ll do the surgery myself, I’m medically trained!

Nurse: You are not a doctor, Sir-

Bruce: I said medically, not legally!

——

Bruce: Oh, light of my life… get the fuck down from the fridge

Duke: But there’s so much space up here!

——

Bruce, coming back from doctors due to multiple fractures in his leg and a concussion: The clinician is calling it “trauma” or something

Bruce: Don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about

Bruce: I’m as spring as a spry chicken

Jason, driving him back from the doctor's appointment: It’s as spry as a spring chicken

Bruce: That’s what I said?

——

Bruce, walks into the study: ?

Steph, crying her eyes out: Wahhh!

Cass, comforting her: The delivery driver knows her by name. Asked if he’d be back tomorrow

Bruce: Ah, painful

——

Dick, who has frequent hallucinations: Everyone hal-nutes people

Alfred: First of all, it is hallucinates

Alfred: Secondly, no

Bruce, who also has frequent hallucinations: Hmm… I dunno, I think we should hear him out

——

Hal, bringing Bruce coffee: Here you go, babe

Bruce, smiling softly: Thank you, love *presses a soft kiss to his cheek* This is just what I needed

Hal, flustered and smiling dopely: Uh huh, no problem-

Damian, tugging on Bruce’s sleeve: Baba

Bruce: Hi, baby, how are you? *kissing Dami's cheek*

Damian, all smiles at Bruce: I’m good, Baba, I just wanted to see you

Damian, glaring at Hal over Bruce’s shoulder: Get the fuck away from him, he’s mine

Hal, sweating: …

——

Dick: Dad, please sit the fuck down!

Jason: Are you trying to sneak off somewhere? You know we can’t allow that

Tim: Seriously, Bruce, you’re just aggravating your wounds

Bruce: You guys are being dramatic

Bruce: I was lightly tossed over the hood of a car. I’m not invalid

Steph: Don’t say it like that! You got run over!

——

Bruce: I can’t just not give the kids in the alley joyrides in the Batmobile

Bruce: They’ll riot

Alfred: Master Bruce, they’re children

Bruce: They’re Gotham children. We're an entirely different breed. You wouldn't understand

Jason: That’s true

Steph: I support this message

——

Dick, coming in from outside: Hi Ace, did ya miss me!

Ace, running past Dick to Bruce excitedly: Woof!

Dick: Hurts every time

Bruce, petting Ace: You can’t really blame him, he’s my dog, Birdie

Dick: Still

——

Bruce, at a restaurant eating: Oops *accidentally drops napkin*

Patrons: *scrambling to grab it, either to keep it for themselves or give it back to Bruce*

Bruce: *sigh* This happens every time

——

Cass, appearing with a chip hat with one half full of guacamole and the other salsa: Dad

Bruce, half asleep because it’s 1 am: Oh my gosh, I was just dreaming about this

Bruce: You know me so fucking well, I love you so much, princess

——

Stuck in traffic

Bruce, overstimulated from being honked at: Jaylad

Jason: Yea?

Bruce, at his breaking point: Go find the motherfucker who's been honking at me and shoot him point-blank range, please

Jason, scared: O-oh…

Bruce, white knuckling the steering wheel, eyes distant: It’ll be considered mercy compared to what I want to do to them

——

Bruce, down the hall: Where is my sweet boy? My lovely little baby boy?

Batboys: *heads lifting up*

Dick: …

Tim: You guys know he’s talking about me, right? I dunno why you’re all looking up

Duke: In your dreams, spleenless, you must still be fucking sick. Get your head checked

Jason: Oh, and I suppose you think he’s talking about you? He’s known you for the shortest amount of time

Damian: Gentleman, please, it's hilarious to watch you argue when you know who he was actually calling. Your delusions will never cease to amuse me

Dick: Yeah fucking right, I’ve been here longer than all of you! I’m the reason why he wanted to have more kids in the first place. Trying to compare will only hurt your feelings

Batboys, eyeing each other: …

Bruce, still down the hall and in a happy voice: Come here, baby!

Batboys, scrambling to get to Bruce: Tati/Papa/Dad/B-man/Baba!

He’s talking to Ace

——

Bruce: Sometimes you just gotta say “I’m gonna kill myself!” Before moving on with your day

Steph: You’re so right

Duke, snapping his fingers like it was a slam poetry: Speak your truth

——

Bruce, talking about Tim’s weed usage: I’m not telling you to stop, sweetheart. All I’m saying is limit yourself before going on patrol

Bruce: The smell lingers

Alfred: It could be worse

Alfred: At least Master Timmothy wasn’t caught trying LSD behind the bleachers at school

Bruce, scoffing: First, I wasn’t trying, I was doing. Second, I was only caught one time; they didn’t get me any other time with my other stuff

Alfred: What

Bruce: Hm? I didn’t say anything

Tim: I’m gonna leave… it doesn’t feel safe in here

——

Hal, bursting in: Spooky! I have an assassin problem. I need your help

Bruce, groaning: There’s always an assassin problem in this family!

Cass and Damian look up

Bruce: Yeah, you two are trouble, but not today's trouble

——

Hal, watching Bruce beat up an intergalactic villain who's made entire planets cower: I could handle that

*Record scratch* Like hell he can

——

Texting

Hal: I think we need to break up

Hal: I’m not good for you, and I don’t want to drag you into my personal problems

Hal: I could put you in harm's way

Bruce: No

Hal: Okay

Bruce: Say you love me

Hal: I love you so much, babe

Bruce: Good. I love you too

——

Bruce, wearing headphones and chilling by himself: …

Tim, storms in angrily: !!!

Damian, storms in after him angrier: !!!

Bruce, watching them yell at each other without being able to hear a thing: …

Dick, comes in, annoyed and starts yelling at them: !!!

Jason, comes in to instigate: !!!

Tim and Damian teaming up on their older brothers, apparently making up with each other: !!!

Dick and Jason teaming up and waving their hands around: !!!

Steph and Cass peeking their heads around the corner: !!!

Tim jumping on Dick’s back and Dick running out of the room: !!!

Jason grabbing Damian and throwing him over his shoulder before following: !!!

Duke, closing the door and leaving Bruce alone again: …

Bruce, who didn’t hear a single thing being said but is exhausted: … *goes back to reading*

——

Bruce: What doing?

Tim: Trying to collect everyone in the LGBT

Tim: I don’t have anyone who is nonbinary

Bruce: ?

Bruce: You have me

Tim: … what?

Tim: Why didn’t you say anything?!

Bruce: Not important

Bruce: The city needs me

Tim: Okay, yeah, you would say shit like that

Tim: So.. pronouns?

Bruce: Don’t care, more important things to worry about

——

Dick: I’m just… I’m a little sad you didn’t adopt me sooner

Bruce: What?

Dick: Yeah, I guess I was jealous when Jason first came around, and you adopted him immediately

Dick: Why didn’t you want to adopt me?

Bruce: …

Bruce: You’re kidding, right?

Dick: No…?

Bruce: First, it was a different time back then, and I could only take you as a ward for the time being

Bruce: After a few years, I came to you and asked if you’d be okay with me adopting you

Bruce: You weren’t

Dick: …really?

Bruce: You screamed, yelled, and hit me

Bruce: You told me, "If you ever try and replace my parents again, I’ll kill myself and make you watch. I’ll leave a note and make sure everyone knows it’s because of you."

Bruce: So yeah, I never asked again

Dick: …

Dick: I’m sorry… I don’t remember that

Bruce: *shrugs* Didn't think you would. It’s been years, Dick. I understand you were going through a tough time

Bruce: It still hurts, though

——

Hal: Can we have hate sex?

Bruce: But we don’t hate each other?

Hal: Yes, but haven’t you heard of role play?

——

Bruce, smack Damian on the head lightly with a wooden sword: I believe that’s another win for me, Habibi

Damian, frustrated: How?? I’ve trained in the sword my entire life

Bruce: And I’ve trained longer

Damian: But I am a master of the League’s sword technique

Bruce: No, you’re a master of the new and improved version

Bruce: When I was there, I did a complete overhaul, which is the version that you’re using today

Damian: … what?

Bruce: Don’t worry, I know you’ll surpass me

——

Bruce, surrounded by priceless jewelry and picking out what he likes best: Hmm

Steph: Damn, Bruce! This shit belongs in a museum *holds up solid gold bangales*

Tim: I think this one was in a museum… *holding up a diamond earrings*

Bruce: Yeah, it was

Duke: You must’ve spent a fortune

Bruce, confused: What do you mean?

Steph: I mean… this shit would put a dent in any billionaire’s pockets

Bruce: I didn’t buy any of this. They gave it to me

Tim: … why would they do that?

Bruce: I’m Bruce Wayne?

Bruce: The world belongs to me

Duke: Ah… that actually makes sense

——

Hal: Just come over, I’ll make us food

Bruce: No thanks, I don’t eat

Bruce: …

Bruce: Wait, that sounds weird. What did Tim call them? Pick me? Yeah, sounded pick me-ish

Bruce: No, I have ARFID

Hal: I’ll make one of your safe foods

Bruce: I love you so much

——

Batkids: This isn’t working

Bruce: … okay

Batkids: Try different parenting. Act like Alfred *unaware of "parent Alfred" and only know "Grandpa Alfred" which is vastly different*

Bruce: I don’t see how that’s better, but okey? *emotionally neglects them and guilt-trips them all while being passive-aggressive*

——

Cass, sliding in to sit next to Bruce: I see you bought mangos

Bruce: Hrn

Cass: Please cut mangos for me

Bruce: Why? Your brother cuts mangos himself to eat. If you want to eat mangos, go cut them yourself

Cass: Fruit tastes better when you cut it

Cass: Dad, please, I’ll die without mangos

Bruce, preparing to stand up: You are so annoying

——

Duke: What’s one of your favorite Robin moments?

Bruce: Any? You’re not asking me to rank them, are you?

Duke: No, we’ll both get in trouble for that

Bruce: Hm, Steph wanted a main weapon. Like Dick and his escrima sticks or Tim and his Bo staff

Bruce: So she picked up a shovel for like, a week straight

Bruce: She was actually really good

——

Tim, having a depressive episode: I don’t want to survive

Bruce: And yet, you must

Bruce, yanking his blanket off: Up, sweetums, we’re taking Ace on a walk

Tim, slowly sliding out of bed: Ugh

——

Bruce: So let me get this straight

Jason: …

Bruce: You’re mad at me for not knowing something that you’re purposefully hiding from me?

Dick: …

Bruce: Do you see how fucking stupid that sounds?

——

Bruce: My love language is lurking

Duke: Aaah! How long have you been there?!

——

Bruce: I hate everything!

Bruce: I hate the world! I hate myself! I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin!

Ace, trots in carrying Bruce’s meds:

Bruce: Ooh, that makes so much more sense. Thank you, Ace

——

Alfred: Master Bruce was always going missing one way or another, promising he was going to run away

Alfred: Like that one time *recounts story*

Bruce: Ah, no, I was actually kidnapped that one time

Alfred: Hm?

Bruce: Yeah, you seemed annoyed at me, so I just told you I ran away

Bruce: Didn’t wanna stress you out

Alfred, eye twitching: Didn’t want to stress me out…

——

During an interview

Reporter: And how did you end up in that neck brace?

Hal: I asked him to squeeze my head with his thighs

Bruce, blushing: Please stop talking

Hal: It was the best moment of my life

Hal: I wear this injury with pride

——

Cass: We need a distraction

Bruce: Don’t worry, I’ve got this

Bruce, walking out into the camera's line of sight: *smiles*

Paparazzi: *clamoring to talk to him or just get a picture of his smile*

Jason: Damn… I always forget how famous and popular he is…

——

Bruce getting detained for beating up an old guy messing with his kids at a gala

Police person, trying to cuff Bruce: P-please cooperate, Mr Wayne

Bruce, eyes dark and blood still splattered across his cheek: Do you really want to do this?

Police person, trembling and scared: No, Sir *fumbling with the cuffs*

Bruce, voice very close to Batman’s register: You’re going to let me go. Now.

Police person, in tears: Yes, Sir

——

Bruce, coming downstairs wearing a sexy revealing outfit: Hm

Jason, crossing his arms: No

Bruce: … what?

Damian: You heard him, Baba. No way you’re going out like that

Bruce, amused: Oh? And why is that?

Damian: It’s too revealing!!

Bruce: I’m going on a date with Hal, it’ll be fine

Jason: Oh, we’ll see about that

Jason: Guys! Come look at what Pa is wearing!

Dick: What- oh hell no

Bruce: I thought you boys grew out of this

Tim: Dad, I’m gonna have to agree with them. This is... your shirt doesn't even have a back!

Bruce: It’s not that bad

Steph: You look hot, like, out of this world sexy

Bruce, pleased: Thank you

Steph: Which is exactly why you can’t wear it. Too many creeps

Duke: Maybe you should put on a nice sweater or something?

Bruce, crossing his arms: I don’t want a sweater

Dick: I thought I threw out all your tight pants?

Bruce: So it was you! Also, this is insanely hypocritical coming from you, of all people, chickadee

Tim: That’s different! You’re our Dad!

Bruce: I seriously can’t deal with you guys right now. I’m gonna be late

Alfred: Hang on, Master Bruce. Perhaps it would be best if you did change into something less… form-fitting?

Bruce: Not you too, Alfred!

Steph: Like, wow, I feel like we need to hire bodyguards

Duke: Seriously, any sweater will do

Hal, flying in through the window: Hey, babe- whoa… whoa… whoaaaa… *staring at Bruce*

Alfred: Advert your eyes before I make you

Hal, flies down and wraps his arms around Bruce’s waist: Hurt me all you want, I’ll die for this sight a million times over

Bruce: Let’s go on that date. Now.

Hal: On it, babe. I can’t wait to show you off. I can fight bae, wear whatever you want

Bruce, grinning: Hrn

Leaves while the Batfamily yells and threatens to track them down

[oc4ober]

[erodottir]

Meetings can get boring

Are you telling me this guy doesn’t have adhd??

[fotibrit]

tony stark with wide shoulders save me. save me tony stark with wide shoulders

[ramen8008]

I believe if Loki shape-shifted into Tony nobody would notice for a concerning amount of time. Cause both of them are such divas

Two scenarios.

One, Tony is gone on some business thing and Loki wants to have fun having control over everything.

First he avoids the avengers because he thinks they'll know.

But a few run-ins later he is getting oddly concerned as to why nobody realizes it's him. So he tries to see how far it can go

Steve: Hey Tones we need you in the hall, Clint-

Loki: No

Steve: understandable. Its his problem he can stay stuck

--------

Bruce: why is everything floating?

Loki: because I'm making it

Bruce: oh alright. Just glad not another one of your machines went rogue

Loki: ?????

------------

Thor: Thanks for the pop-tarts, Stark!

Loki: I did nothing. I hope you choke on them

Thor: oh so humble! You did buy so many that I could choke!

---------

Rhodey: *stares*

Loki: what

Rhodey: *squints eyes*

Loki: *confused and anxious* why are you doing that?

Rhodey: you aren't Tony *walks away*

Loki: wait HOW DID YOU KNOW?! Where are you going-

Rhodey: Tony needs a break, I'm not stopping this

----------

Peter: Mr. Stark! Look at this!

Loki: Don't bother me

Peter: .... Mr. Stark?

Loki: what did I say? I'm busy. Go away you pest

Peter: ....

Loki: ....

Peter: ....

Loki: *concerned at the sudden silence*

Peter: *looking absolutely terrifying and ready to fight* you're not Mr. Stark

Loki: fuck

-------

OR Tony and Loki learn this after an incident like above and plan to see how long it'll take for Loki to be discovered