The worst thing you can say to someone being bullied.
X-posted from my AFBV blog.
Bullying is a frustrating and ugly situation. If your child comes to you with complaints about being bullied, there are things you can say that will actually do more harm than good. I heard all of these myself from teachers and one or two from my own father. “Just ignore it.” A child is coming to you for help because they probably tried that already and it didn’t work. The message this might send is that YOU don’t want to take the time to help them through this. What if things get worse and your child thinks you won’t help them, so they decide not to ask for help again? Never tell a child to “just ignore it” if they’re being bullied. IT DOES NOT WORK. “Don’t be so sensitive.” Way to go, you just invalidated your child’s hurt feelings! No, don’t ever, EVER say this. Again, this pushes the child away and they might decide you aren’t the person to come to when they’re hurt or upset. It’s dangerous, especially if they’re suffering from depression due to the bullying. Don’t say it, no matter how badly you want to. Some children are more sensitive than others. “Don’t take it so personally.” Suppose a bully walked up to your child and said, “(Child’s name), you suck at life. You’re worthless, useless and you don’t deserve to exist. You’re ugly and everybody hates you. I hope you kill yourself, you piece of sh*t.” That sounds like a pretty personal attack to me. What if the child’s locker was vandalized, or they had textbooks, their backpack or other valuables stolen by bullies? And you tell them not to take that personally? No. It IS personal, and saying this will shut your child down from asking for help. “Well, what did YOU do to cause these kids to start teasing you?” NO! NO, NO, NO! Never say this! NEVER! I mean NEVER! This is the ultimate act of victim blaming and it will hurt your child for the rest of their life. This will guarantee your child believes they deserve it and they won’t ever come to you again. This is the statement my father made that led me to believe I deserved the bullying I got. I never did ANYTHING to ANYONE. I was too short, too underdeveloped and too different from my peers to fit in. This statement is what made me stop reporting the horrible things other kids did to me. I suffered awful things in silence, and I still don’t know how I’m alive today. This is THE WORST thing you can say to a bullied child. DO NOT SAY THIS! What CAN you say? What SHOULD you say? I can’t tell you the exact words to say to a bullied child. The first thing you should do is let them talk to you. Just listen. Don’t try to fix it, don’t interrupt, just listen and let them tell you everything. It may be the child just wants to be heard. The worst thing about being bullied was feeling like no one cared or wanted to hear me. Don’t do that to your child.
Here are some ideas for alternatives from someone who had been bullied as a child, too!
"This is horrific! I understand you're hurt. What they did to you is never okay!"
Acknowledge that your kid is victim of (emotional and/or physical) violence and abuse! Because that is what bullying is! It can cause complex trauma and lifelong mental health issues. You wouldn't tell your kid to not be so sensitive and just go about their day as usual it if they had broken their leg, right? Bullying doesn't cause any less harm! Validate their feelings, because the harm is real!
"This says more about them than about you. It's not your fault. And nothing what they say is true. You're a wonderful person and they are just vile!"
What bullies do is personal! Bullies are deliberatly looking for weak spots to tear their victim down and see them in emotional distress, because they thrive on the power they have over them. It's not your kids' fault to be "sensitive" and "thin-skinned". High emotionality, empathy and sensitivity are social skills. If you want your kid to not let it get so close to them, what you do is to strengthen their self-esteem by validating them, not to tell them to just not be so sensitive!
"Let's try to figure out together what might work in that situation"
I heard "just ignore them" a lot as a bullied kid. What I heard back than then was "just swallow down all your pain and don't try to defend yourself" Only in my twenties I slowly realized that what my mom meant was a specific way to response rather than to just take shit. As I said before: bullies are manipulators. One of their tactics is to provocate their victim to response in certain ways - for example try to get them to take things at face value and answer on eye level in order to make fun of their "stupidity" to not see through their game or to provoke an impulsive reaction of self-defense they can use to denounce the kid to a teacher for breaking the rules. Autistic and adhd kids are at increased risk to get picked as a victim here. In situations like this the effective counter-offensive would be to not take the bait and react differently than they intend. And yes, sometimes this can indeed mean to not respond at all. And that's what my mother actually meant. But you can't tell your kid to "just ignore it" or "don't let them provocate you", because kids don't get that and will only hear that the bullying is their fault and they should swallow it all up without defending themselves! Instead you need to take a deeper look at the concrete situation, you need to explain your kid the complex intentions and manipulation tactics behind that to enable them to see trough, you need to figure out alternative ways to response, including not responding in certain situations, as tactic of self-defense *and* establish alternative outlets for the emotions bullies stir up on purpose in your kid to enable them to counter situations of bullying
"You're not alone! I've got your back and I'll do what I can to help you"
Helping your kid to defend themselves in specific situations is important, but not enough. Your kid is a victim and you have a responsibility to protect them from harm. You cannot leave it all on their back alone. Instead do your part: Talk to teachers, talk to the bullies' parents, seek professional help ect. if neccassary. Show your kids you're there and your door is always open to talk and listen
Hope this helps your kid might not end up where I ended up: In self-harm, depression, trust issues, relationship anxiety and suicide ideation and years of therapy.
