The cake is a lie, there is only passion

Biochemist from Germany, queer (pronouns: they/them). Walking the fine line between confidence and existential crisis. Producer of weird headcanons and occasional fic. My askbox is always open, feel free to message me anytime. Beta services available, enquire within. Current fandoms: Star Wars, ATLA, Dishonored, Good Omens, (Tolkien, MCU, FMA).

[crunchymayo]

[bug-mp3]

[mcsryaoihell]

my bonnies

[damsel-understresss]

im so sorry i never participated in the reblog game you tagged me in i love you very much im just so tired

[siderealcity]

Sometimes I think about how so much of what makes Murderbot who it is comes down to it being a rental SecUnit. When Leonide tells Arada in Network Effect that Company Units have a reputation for being dangerous, she's probably 100% correct. Because of their nature as plug-and-play security for anyone, they have to be designed to be far more versatile than the SecUnits a corporate like BE owns. Three has to be able to secure salvage operations and mining outposts and work with BE's systems and that's kind of it. BE might need its security to fend off hostile takeovers and workplace uprisings, but Murderbot has to be able to do all those things and planetary surveys with unknown hostile fauna, and asteroid mining belts, and whatever the next client might need it to do, and it has to be able to work with whatever other proprietary software the new clients have every single time. It's better at adapting to new situations than Three partly because it's older and more experienced, but also because that's a big part of its function.

And at the same time, Company SecUnits are treated much worse than Three by virtue of being rentals. Many--if not most--of Murderbot's clients didn't want to have any SecUnits, but were required to take them per Company rental agreements for other equipment. Even the ones who specifically did want SecUnits didn't have any investment in what happened to them. They were the equivalents of the U-haul you'd rent to move your couch across town. They just needed to do a job briefly and hopefully be in good enough shape to get their deposit back at the end, but if not, eh. No big deal. Murderbot has never had the same clients for very long, and it's never had to work with the same SecUnits for very long. Every contract changes. Nothing lasts.

No wonder MB loves fiction while Three loves nonfiction. Three has seen basically nothing about reality outside of its job and wants to know what's out there. MB has seen way too much reality and would like some breaks from that shit now, please.

[desertherm1t]

Op why did you sentence this comedy gold to the tags

[rude-occurrence]

Babies first cat tower

Straight into fight mode

[rude-occurrence]

[glassrunner]

DREDGE ⤖ Regions

[dragon-in-a-fez]

the thing that really cheeses my cake about flies getting in my house is they clearly don't want to be there anyway. like at least the ants trying to steal cereal from my pantry had a goal and a plan. you are just here because you're too stupid to use a window twice

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

“It's not fair.” The little ghost kicks impotently at the chalk lines around her feet. “I ain't done nothing.”

I nod, setting down my chalk and spellbook. “It does sound like there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding.”

“She took against me, that's what happened,” the dead girl says with a scowl. She looks about fourteen, round faced and spotty, with whisps of brown hair peaking out from under her mob-cap. Her face and her crossed arms have a tell-tale bluish tinge to them. A cholera death.

“I been here for don't know how long and never gave any trouble. Nobody ever complained about me 'till her.”

…well, that's not strictly true.

Number 12, Barclay Street has been attracting rumours of haunting since the mid nineteenth century.

Sounds of faint singing and crying in the corridors at night. Cold spots. Doors that open and close by themselves. Animals acting strangely. Harmless, mid to low-level stuff, typical for a bored teenage poltergeist.

Still, pointing that out isn't likely to achieve much, and certainly the most recent complaints of blood running down the walls, screams in the dark and paralysing night terrors seem distinctly out of character.

The ghost toes the chalk again, more tentatively this time. It stays resolutely unbroken.

She could get out if she wanted to. I'm not one of those assholes who brings out their full arsenal of wards and sigils for a first meeting with a level 2 spectre. The summoning circle will keep her in one place for as long as I need her to talk, but it wouldn't hold for a moment if she really fought against it.

I take it as a good sign that she's still here. Pouting or not, she's clearly willing to work with me.

“None of the others could do this,” she says. “None of 'em even saw me.” She looks up. “Are you here to exise me?”

“Exorcise,” I say instinctively, and curse myself when she flinches. “Sorry, no, no! I don't exorcise people from their homes without good reason, not if they're happy where they are.”

“I was happy. Till she started calling in all them ghost hunters.”

Mrs Delaney had been quite persistent in her attempts to 'fix' her haunted house. Most of the people she found were charlatans, of course, but I'd still arranged an appointment as fast as I could once word reached me. It wouldn't have been long before she happened upon somebody with Talent, and unfortunately not everybody in this field knows how to behave like a professional.

“I think we might be able to help each other,” I say, careful to keep my voice calm and level.

“Don't see how. Not unless you can exorcise Her.”

“Not quite what I had in mind.” I pull out my phone and scroll through my photos. “You say that you're not the cause of the most recent incidents of paranormal activity?”

A pause. The ghost gnaws on her lip. I wait, patiently, keeping my body language open and nonthreatening. “I… I knocked her coffee cup over,” she admits at last. “She was being mean and talking on her telephone, saying I done all these things when I never did! So I decided to show her what I could do if I wanted.”

“Hmm.” The ghost eyes me nervously, as if expecting me to pull out a book, bell and candle and banish her on the spot.

“I only tipped it,” she adds. “I didn't break it or nothing!”

“You shouldn't have touched it at all,” I say sternly. “But… I can appreciate that you were frustrated, so let's say no more about it.”

The ghost looks relieved.

“My point is,” I continue, “if you weren't the one making blood rain from the ceiling or tormenting people in their sleep, then what was? There's no other ghosts on the property.” I find the picture I was looking for. “You can get anywhere around the house, right? Including behind the furniture and in the backs of cupboards?”

“Yes'm.”

I hold the phone up so that she can see the picture on the screen. “I'm going to let you go free in a moment, and I need you to see if you can find anything that looks like this.”

The ghost wrinkles her forehead. “What's that when it's at home?”

“Black mould,” I say, reaching out a foot to break the binding circle. “And I'm pretty sure it's the cause of this haunting.”

[p1ss]

[ejacutastic]

I DIDN’T LEARN ABOUT THIS IN DRIVING SCHOOL

[biszumletzten]

Stop says the red light, go says the green

Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. 

KNEEL, SAYS THE DEMON LIGHT WITH ITS EYE OF COAL  SAURON KNOWS YOUR LICENSE PLATE  AND STARES INTO YOUR SOUL

[demonsnakes-deactivated20160829]

THIS IS ALWAYS FUNNY

[brightlotusmoon]

@irritatedlifeguard I agree with your tags.

[undeadcorvid]

The more I learn about finance and the stock market the more I realise the folk who typically trade stocks and run companies are fucking idiots for the most part. Manipulable, gullible fools who can be made to dance with a bit of hype, who either don't realise or don't care how much damage their manipulable and gullible asses can do.

You buy the most expensive, overvalued IPO in history, even though a good look at their books shows it's a complete shitshow of a company, and are shocked, shocked to discover you've lost most of your investment a few months in? You might be an investor in SpaceX

You pivoted away from your core market of consumer electronics, jacking the price through the roof so new PC and smartphone parts are unaffordable, and are shocked you are suddenly losing money on consumer electronics? You might be SK Hynix

You're betting everything on AI despite having an existing modest business as a core part of internet infrastructure - it's not groundbreaking but it is critical - and you definitely don't actually have the capital to fulfill your promises, and this seems like an OK strategy? You might be Oracle

You sell off almost all your assets to fund a company that hasn't proved once it has a path to real profitability besides 'uhh uhhhh the whole world gets on board with our product suddenly' despite evidence showing that when they price their product at what it costs, users flee in droves? You might be Softbank

Your genuine business goal is to outcompete yourself (world's largest by market share) by x5 and a competitor by x24 times, but you just killed half your headcount? You might be Xbox

God this is all so fucking stupid.

[guineapiggies]

Via cyd_dwyer

[humanpersonface]

Just so people know the background on this man and his herd of guinea pigs-- he moved into a house, and discovered about 10 guinea pigs living in a fenced area of the back garden. It was overgrown so he never noticed before moving in. It turned out the previous tenants just abandoned the poor babies. So Cyd immediately was like "well I guess im a father now." And began learning how to care for them.

He didnt realize he had to separate the males from the females (they'd been intermingled when he found them so it didnt occur to him) until suddenly all the females were pregnant and by the time he was able to separate them all out, he now had 80 guinea pigs.

I found 10 guinea pigs in my new home but now I have 80

Cid Dwyer, 25, from Sydney, Australia, ended up looking after the pets when the previous owners of his property left 10 guinea pigs behind i

This man became an awesome guinea dad to his 80 guinea pigs. On his tiktok he documents building them new, nicer outdoor homes, beginning to regularly grow grasses to feed them, while also spending over 100 pounds a week to keep them in supply of fresh veggies. He also treats them for lice and tics ever 3 months.

He recognizes each one and each one has a name.

[sevdrag]

Lost in the sauce

[theanishimori]

@narnia-renaissance your tag is sending me... to the Wood Between the Worlds:

#so THAT'S where all of uncle andrew's guinea pigs went

[creekfiend]

I saw it's Sending Animal Pictures Hour-- may I present foster kitten Nikon

she doesn't really know anything but she's really good at chewing on things

this thing grew on a tree i think

[danielkanhai]

it would suck being a new immortal. like it’d be 2109 and people would go, “what was it like seeing ancient civilizations rise and fall like that? seeing the pyramids being built? watching the expansion and growth of the new world?” and i’d just be like, “no…no i was born in 1991. so like, wow i’m gonna see some cool stuff, but, i mean i’m not that much older than just a really, really old person, you know? phones were big back then. so big. but only for like ten years, then they got like, as good as they are now. uh. rhinos existed. don’t think i ever saw one in person. cool, good talk.”

[ayellowbirds]

even worse, imagine being an immortal who keeps missing stuff. “What was it like seeing the pyramids being built?” “Fuck if I know, I was in Madagascar.” “Oh, okay. Well, how was the Renaissance?” “I fell down a hole in Scotland and people thought I was an enchanted well for four hundred years, it was over by the time I convinced someone to get me out.”

[erkhyan]

And now, a lesson in biases:

We barely know anything about Madagascar pre-500CE. We don’t even know whether the island had a permanent population before then, despite finding a bunch of much older signs of temporary human presence.

Malagasy mythology makes mention of the vazimba, a “precursor” ethnic group that might or might not be distinct from Madagascar’s current population.

The point is, we do not know.

So you were in Madagascar when the pyramids were being built in Egypt, i.e. during one of the most obscure, most undocumented parts of Madagascar’s human history?

Oh, buddy, you better go and make a bunch of anthropologists and archeologists really happy RIGHT NOW instead of feeling bad about missing everyone else’s pet Major Event.

[ayellowbirds]

It’s been a decade since we left that comment and you have the best reply anyone’s left to it.

[monstermoviedean]

truly no video game moment will ever surpass the part in portal 2 where glados says "well, this is the part where he kills us" and wheatley says "hello, this is the part where i kill you" and you unlock the achievement titled "the part where he kills you" (description: this is that part) and the chapter title appears on the screen and reads: chapter nine: the part where he kills you

[herpsandbirds]

This is easily one of the CRAZIEST videos I've ever gotten. I was rafting down a river when a Yellow Jacket came, landed on my bright pink waterproof phone pouch, and started drinking from the water droplets that had gathered there.

The most amazing part is how the water droplet magnifies the Hornet's mouth parts, so you get to see them up-close!!!! It was FASCINATING to witness!

Here's some of my favorite still shots from that video:

What do you think? 🥰

[dragonhoardsbookz]

New cooking show idea

Teams compete to feed a pregnant person, taking into account nutritional needs, food forbidden for health reasons, and personal dislikes and preferences.

Each team has to cook for an entire day (breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks) and are rated for food safety (done by a judge who watches food prep) and taste (done by the pregnant person). The food safety is a barrier check first, so the pregnant person won't be in contact with anything harmful.

This idea was brought to you by the vacation husband and I went on, where the hotel offered a wide variety of tasty foods. I didn't feel any hunger pangs or felt sick the whole time. I also had the most energy in my entire pregnancy