im Srry but im sad so look away

Diagnosed C-PTSD and Irritable Depression If you wanna follow a sad bitxh on ig I’m Onlyfooledmind

[catchymemes]

[catchymemes]

[catchymemes]

[gatheringbones]

the horrible specialness of trauma, how unique it makes people feel. the lie of it.

[sandovers]

kai cheng thom, from her collection a place called no homeland

[soursorrel]

trauma is not sacred

violence is not special / pain is not holy / suffering does not make angels / abuse defines no one / you are more than the things that hurt you / you are more than the people you have hurt / do not make an altar to your woundedness / do not make a fetish out of mine / a body belongs to no one / a memory is not made to be eaten / does it titillate you to hear about assault / if i told you my story would you swallow it whole / if i confessed my sins would you feed me to the beasts to purge your own / i will show you mine if you show me yours / we have all seen the darkness now give us the dawn / tell me about the joy you keep in the hollow spaces between your bones / tell me again how you laughed when you realized that you were not wholly unlovable / i’ll tell you again how i cried when my best friend told me that i was not a bad person / remember how we used to count the lines on our palms when we were little / how we used to try to read the future for its gifts / how we used to make lists of the things we would dream of when finally we were free / i will make you a list of the things i am grateful for / i will sing you a litany of reasons to be alive / i want to know the songs you wake up for in the morning / i want to marvel at the unbelievable graciousness of your being / i know that i am capable of pouring love like lavender oil into your cupped palms / there is forgiveness like honey pooled in the chambers of our hearts / you are the thing i am most grateful for / all bodies know how to heal themselves given enough time / all demons carry a map of heaven in their scars / beneath the skin of every history of trauma – there is a love poem waiting deep below

[rarestsparkle]

Healthy boundaries include making and taking time to rest.

[i-wish-we-never-met]

if i knew that we were gonna end up like this, i would never let you in

[dreamless-sleeps]

You messaged me.

After almost two years of radio silence on your end

You ignored my messages in my hardest moments

In moments where you knew i had trouble showing vulnerability

You turned away for twenty months straight

Twenty months that felt like hell

Twenty months that had this plague dropping my family like flies

My dad died in these last twenty months

Yours died almost four years ago

I was there for you

I attended the service

I held you while you cried

Yet

I held myself as i cried

I helped myself out of a rut of despair when three family members died in one month alone this past summer

Yet you didn’t even reach out

I know you were aware- our town is small and my family is large

The services went on for hours since so many people attended

Yet you didn’t

People i hated from high school were there holding out a hand

The girl you convinced me to cut off messaged me even though we ended on bad terms

She wanted to know if i was okay

See, she lost her dad too.

She knew my pain just as well as you did

She knew I wasn’t prepared

What she didn’t know was that I was alone

That you had blocked me

Then after all this time- right when I get myself in a better place

Right when the abandonment stops stinging

When i think i’ll be okay without you

You messaged me again

I keep replaying the text in my head- you asked about something so trivial

Something that made it seem as if we never parted

You’re acting as if you haven’t burned my love

You’re acting like nothing was wrong

I can’t

I can’t just act like your message through Facebook is okay

Because As much I don’t want to

I still care

I find myself scrolling through instagram just to keep up with you

You lost that weight

But i know it wasn’t in a healthy way

We used to fight about you needing to eat

I know you fell under the pressure

Every sharp bone that started to emerge from those curves had my heart sinking with worry

Worry i could do nothing about

Worry that i knew would ignored if i were to reach out

You came out

You came out and into yourself

But i can only watch through pictures

Because twenty months ago you blocked me

Yet now you’re messaging me

Asking to be forgiven without actually apologizing

Did you think i’d crumble

That I’d forgotten about the betrayal that has left me heartbroken for these last two years

The craziest part is we still have mutual friends

Friends that i turned to and were there for me when you were not

Friends that have stepped up and become the pillars of support you never were

Friends that mention you in passing until i had to ask them to stop

They can be both our friends- that I didn’t mind

But hearing updates about your life was like twisting the knife

I spent these last almost two years bettering myself

I started therapy

I started a new job

I made new friends

I came out

I finally came into myself

I wonder if our friends told you my new name

If they updated you about my life as often as they used to update me

You and i were inseparable

It took far too long to get used to the empty feeling i’d get without you here

But i did

See only days after you left

I lost my grandparents and their absence screamed at me

Yours just whimpered in the background

I lost my dad and I couldn’t feel anything for days until one night

That i realized you really had left me

You weren’t answering and my calls were going to voicemail

You weren’t going to be there to help me silence the screaming loneliness

To help me hold myself together so i could feel something again

I cried harder that day than i had in my entire life

Harder than when i tried to take my own life

And i had to do it alone

So no

I can’t just bury the hatchet

You’re an asshole who doesn’t deserved to come back in my life

You threw away the eight years of friendship that we built

You expected me to just roll over and take whatever friendship you offered

I’m not the same person you left

I’m not the person you messaged

You messaged weaker me

A me that would have followed you anywhere

A me that wouldn’t even ask for an apology in fear of rocking the boat

But that’s not the current me

The current me would have considered an apology i you offered one

I know how to play the bigger person now

But i also now know that i have a spine

A spine that would have curtly dismissed any thoughts of friendship

Yet you have the audacity to message me

To message me about a facebook post about a flu test

Asking if i it felt anything like a covid test

At first i was angry

Pissed even

But now i’m just sad

You don’t even see what you did wrong

You don’t even think i deserve an apology

How could someone who thinks so little of me cause me such pain?

How was i hung up on losing my best friend for so long

My friends now would never do the things you did to me

The first time i ever did an opiate you pressured me to do it for hours

They don’t even ask me to smoke weed with them if i say no before the meet up

They make sure I’m not pressured into drinking when we go out

They take care of me like a friend should

A friend that you never were

But you messaged me

And i left you on Seen

Because i know that would hurt you more than anything i could ever say

Because I don’t think I could hurt you anywhere close to as bad as you hurt me

[angel-vein-blog]

Me: good morning

My brain at 6:57am: you should have killed yourself when you were 15

[dreamless-sleeps]

My therapist: do you experience any paranoia?

Me: No?

Also me: *convinces myself that there is a man in my closet every night until i get so panicked that i have to turn on the lights and search for him with a pocket knife so i can calm down enough to sleep*

My therapist, who has heard about the man several times: … We’ll revisit this later

[lux-astralis]

9 year old me getting home from school after having been bullied the entire day to play dressup games on the family computer for 4 hours straight

[yms1]

[lezzginka]

me: this bitch is ruining my life

friend: omg who??

me: it’s.. . me

[lonelyflare17]

[theseconstantdreams]

[dreamless-sleeps]

I’m awful horny for someone sex repulsed :/

[dreamless-sleeps]

Okay but i sexted a guy for like 8 hrs and now I understand why my psychiatrist said that hypersexuality could be an issue until i assured her i was ace and prolly aro.

Nvm that shit gimme attention sir and i drop these panties fast as fuck.

[dreamless-sleeps]

Tonight I really miss you and it sucks because it’s been a year now years since I cut you off. Well, I guess you cut me off first since you ghosted me.

You said you’d always be there.

Where are you?