Now all I have left are effigies
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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Show & Tell

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
tumblr dot com
almost home
Cosmic Funnies
Acquired Stardust
$LAYYYTER
taylor price
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⁂
sheepfilms

titsay

shark vs the universe

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@theartofmadeline
styofa doing anything
Xuebing Du
trying on a metaphor
seen from United States

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@driverpicksthemooseic
Now all I have left are effigies
this post is like being handed demonic visions of what hyper latex porn looks like in the cars universe
im not fucking joking i just found a women want me fish fear me hat on the ground
it needs a wash bc it was on the ground and i dont trust that but im so excited. best find ive ever found
the notes on this post are SENDING me
sometimes I think I'm putting too many sex scenes into something . and then I look at what's happening in the world and I'm like oh yeah there's a massive puritan shift and censorship wave happening. why on earth am I feeling guilty for writing self indulgent fanfic lmao. I think I will make the characters do it sloppy AGAIN !!!!!
if you told vin diesel fast and the furious you were gay he'd be like "Some people like driving stick…some people like driving automatic…what matters is you cross the finish line.." and then he'd rev up a dodge challenger and drive through a building and kill 16 people
living in the USA rn means every news headline every day is like BREAKING NEWS: The Universal Free Puppy Plan guaranteeing every USA resident receives a free puppy has been terminated. Funds for this initiative will instead be going to the ‘GUNCH IT UP’ act, ensuring that every item on grocery store shelves now contains at least 25% coal tar
Why are kayaks Incredibly Rude to swans? I'm asking because we have a lot of wild turkeys on my college campus and they HATE cars. They will block you from opening car doors, circle you in your car like a shark, jump on top of cars and snap at tires.
2/2 so I was wondering if large birds just hate human transportation or something haha. Thanks for your post, very interesting.
(In reference to a comment I made about kayaks being incredibly rude in Swan Culture)
I’ve been looking at my inbox like “I am not some kind of ECCENTRIC BIRD WHISPERER,” but I actually know the answer to this one, and it’s hilarious.
Large birds don’t have a particular hateboner for human transportation, but wild turkeys have two unique properties that make them behave ridiculously when they collide with human populations. For those who aren’t familiar with them, wild turkeys are large, boisterous birds that tend to interact with humans most frequently around the autumn which is convenient for Thanksgiving and mating season in early spring. Most of the time, they live peaceable lives in the woods, but around November they run around in flocks bothering innocent citizens and picking fights with vending machines, and then they usually go away again.
The toms, or dominant males, can stand up to 4 feet tall and weigh up to 24 pounds. They’re the ones that do the fancy displays:
The First Unique Turkey Property: Now, wild turkeys are a little bit like betta fish, in that they perceive any shiny/reflective surface that shows them a reflection as actually containing Another Turkey, and they react accordingly. When they react to the Other Turkey - usually by posturing aggressively and flaring their fins feathers majestically - the Other Turkey ESCALATES THE SITUATION by posturing as well. At some point the real turkey loses its temper and attacks, pecking and scratching and trying to take the fucker apart, only to find that the Other Turkey has protected itself with some kind of force field.
So to a wild turkey that has encountered enough autumnal car-related psychic battles, the completely logical conclusion to take away from them is that cars contain demonic spirits that must be subdued. Other examples of things that wild turkeys are compelled to vanquish include… well, other reflective things.
To address this, cover reflective things (you can rub soap on your car to make it less reflective) and frighten off the turkey if it’s keeping you from leaving your car.
The Second Unique Turkey Property: This is a little bit embarrassing for all concerned, but you have to think about it like a turkey would. You see, humans are oddly compelling creatures to a hormonal turkey. We have bare faces with interestingly positioned lumps of flesh, we gobble our speech in a way that almost sounds like Turkey, we strut about on two feet showing off our long sexy legs, we strut about in family groups, we often have access to really good food, our clothing is big and bright and colorful. Turkey faces change color with their mood; human faces are all kinds of fascinating colors, plus additional fantastic decorations. To wild turkeys, humans are a type of turkey, and further: many humans are either Intimidating Sexual Threats, or Exciting Sexual Beings.
Now, I am very sorry about this, but not only can wild turkeys be kind of reverse furries, they also have unexpected ideas about gender and sexuality. So to some female turkeys, “male” humans are excitingly sexy and they will follow one around for embarrassingly long periods of time, cooing attractively - meanwhile, the tom turkey and the subordinate males will be OUTRAGED by the COMPETITION presented by the interloper, and will attempt to subdue “him.” And “female” humans are likewise at risk of being passionately seduced by the dominant toms, or quietly propositioned by subordinate males - or the females may attempt to recruit you into their existing social system - as a junior member, of course. They have a strict pecking order.
Unfortunately for humans, your preferred gender may not necessarily actually translate to the gender that turkeys decide you are. And some turkeys may decide you’re “male” while others will decide that you’re “female,” so that will be confusing, and some dominant female turkeys have “male” sexual traits - like beards and tail fans - anyway. They recognize and remember humans, so if you had a particularly exciting encounter with a specific turkey, it will probably remember you.
Also unfortunately for humans, the fine distinctions between Turkey Seduction, Turkey Competition, and Turkey Networking are usually a little bit lost, and all of this behavior seems to be the same thing - it mostly consists of a large dinosaur-like bird trotting at you, possibly screaming and pecking and flapping, and can be worrying. If you are in the car and the turkey can see you, and it wishes to continue a previous encounter, it may well insist upon this in a frightening way.
Turkeys don’t give a shit about human “gender” and “authority,” as the many available videos on the internet of turkeys attacking police officers, reporters and mailmen will assure you. They just make logical decisions that are perfectly natural and reasonable to turkeys, and humans react by running away.
So what do you do about this? Well, DO NOT RUN AWAY, this means you that you are a Submissive Turkey and their behavior will escalate. Turkeys can learn the meaning of “no,” and you don’t have to be bullied by them.
The Humane Society has some tips to establish Dominance over wild turkeys, which will lead them to see you as a Strong Independent Turkey Who Don’t Need No Man. This will reduce their attacking and nuisance behaviors, but it may make you look like a fool.
And the Massachusetts Fish and Game website has a huge resource explaining all the subtleties of wild turkey behavior and how to combat the nuisances. Essentially, you must not attempt to make friends with them or attract them; once they arrive, you must “be bold” and establish Dominance, and encourage everyone to do the same.
If the turkeys are aggressive around children and the elderly, all sources agree that if they become a danger, you can contact the relevant authorities and have the turkeys removed or destroyed.
Anyway, that’s why turkeys attack cars. The take-home message is: the cars are too shiny and you are possibly a sexy turkey.
I don’t know what you want to make of that
sometimnes... when your sulking corner gets a little too cold... yoiu may invite a friend... to sulk with...
you may even get... kiss on th head
*Michael's gay terror intensifies*
In the club
I think I’m literally never gonna be sick of this masterpiece. I think watching it on a loop for eight hours could fix me. Dancing’s what clears my soul. Dancing’s what makes me whole.
I just love that this very video is an accumulation of thousands of years worth of art made by people who have never met each other. The concept of this video was so completely unfathomable to every single artist who made the sculptures and yet they’ve all put something toward the creation of it.
ITS BACK ON MY TIMELINE
I know vampirism is often used as a metaphor for the drain of the aristocracy but I think it would be fun to have more vampire characters who were just some guy before they got turned. You seek out the most ancient vampire in existence and find out he was a 40 year old wheat farmer in ancient Mesopotamia when he was turned 7,000 years ago and he hasn’t been doing much since then.
You ask him about his experience living through the rise and fall of most major empires and he’s like “It was very bad. For my wheat.”
You’re like “Why do you sow and reap a wheat harvest every year? Is it to retain the memory of your humanity? In honor of those you have loved and lost?” and he’s like “I just like growing wheat. I think it’s fun.”
Maybe he became a vampire because he was starving and desperate due to a famine.
You suggest that and he tells you he lived through a time of plenty and was turned by a strange lady while staggering home drunk.
fountain in italy
This is what I tried to explain to US platforms like Patreon when they suspended my account for having a nude statue as the background image: I live in Europe, I can go and see a nude statue within a 5 minutes walk. Children can see them, they're not in some 18+ container. I will never understand those policies.
I recently learned that, a few years ago, the Vienna Tourism Board had such a problem with this that they opened an OnlyFans for their museums.
I hate this aspect of US culture and want to fight it viciously
I hate this aspect
of US culture and want to
fight it viciously
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
one thing i adore about fandom is the “[bad parent]’s A+ parenting” tag on ao3. it’s so universal and so sarcastic and it makes me giggle every time i see it
cloth fibers ranked by how much sense they make to me
wool. the most sensible and natural fiber. wool is hair from meaty, not very bright animals. I have hair, meat and did not excell in school, so I relate and understand this best
cotton. Cotton is made from plants, but don't be scared yet. these plants are basically small sheep for they are wooly and have hard seeds in them like how sheep are wooly and have hard bones inside them
silk. I was fairly terrorized as a child by caterpillars that made massive silk tents in mulberry trees. We came in into conflict because both of us liked to eat mulberries and climb mulberry trees and also because they liked falling out of the tree upon my person. this was distressing for me for various reasons primary amongst them was that I had been told by the wisdom of my peers that if one of them bit me I would die. anyway I believe that silk comes from caterpillars because I have seen it I have witnessed it I have lived it
linen. bizarre. have you watched videos of people turning flax into fibers? I have watched video after video of flax being transformed from plant to linen and none of it makes any sense. One moment, it's a plant and then if you comb it enough it becomes hair. utterly incomprehensibe witchcraft
PLASTIC? PLASTIC? PLAstic??????
spandex. incomprehensibe. uncontainable. might as well be string theory to me.
Angry boy
(via)
EMMA (2009)
Me, starting a video that says it's going to explain how Victorian poorhouses fucked up the concept of charity forever: ok, show me what you've got
Video: it starts with the ideas of the Christian philosopher --
Me: DON'T SAY IT DON'T FUCKING SAY IT
Video: -- John Calvin
Me:
Who (he asks, half to piss you off and half because he genuinely doesn't know)
You can't piss me off with that question, because unless you were raised like I was - deeply religiously and within an Evangelical Protestant family - you will probably have never heard of John Calvin.
In short: John Calvin was a French theologian during the Protestant Reformation. He was a philosopher in the same way that ebola is a living thing, or the same way that C4 on a bridge revitalizes a riverfront. If you're familiar with the way that many people say that Reagan is to blame for everything shitty about modern American politics, well, they're half right.
A lot of it is actually John Calvin's fault, but that's just because his shit philosophies are responsible for ~90% of the shit you hate about American life, period.
I'm British but wow
Good (actually terrible, but) news: John Calvin is also responsible for fucking up where you live!
Anglicanism's major tenets were formed largely by Thomas Cranmer attempting to negotiate a "middle way" between Lutheranism & Calvinism. Many aspects of Calvinism were adopted into the Reformed traditions central to Anglican theology & the via media, or middle way, is unfortunately basically just two shitty people playing tug-of-war over the exact way in which Anglicanism would be terrible. This is so foundational to the Church of England that it is addressed in the 3rd paragraph of the opening section of the Wikipedia page on Anglicanism.
Sorry to be the bearer of shitty news! John Calvin is the Worst!
Calvinism, in brief, for those unaware:
Free will isn't real. God makes literally everything happen, and if you complain about it you're complaining about God.
Why does God let bad things happen to good people? Fuck you, that's why. Are you questioning God?
God already decided if you're going to Heaven or Hell, probably before you were born. There's nothing you can do about it. It doesn't matter if you try to be a good person, or if you accept Jesus, or if you go to confession, or if you saved five thousand orphans from a burning building. If God ~mysteriously~ decides "fuck you, burn forever", that's your fate.
However, God likes to show little signs of who he likes. Say, having lots of money, or being hot, or not having horrible illnesses. Good things happen to "the elect", who are people God likes. Bad things happen to everyone else.
Rich people are probably going to Heaven, and they're just better than you, because that's God's secret sign that he likes them more than you. Why? Because fuck you.
If bad things happen to you, it's probably because you deserve it and you're going to Hell. Likewise, if you're poor, ugly, or disabled, you're probably going to Hell.
All of this bullshit has of course had a heavy influence on:
Capitalism, because having money isn't a sign that you're exploiting people, it's a sign that God mysteriously wants you to have nice things. Nothing you can do about it, free will isn't real!
Imperialism, because if you succeed in taking over a place and stealing all their stuff, that's a sign that God likes you. If God liked them, it wouldn't have happened, so you're really following God's plan. And torturing people who are already going to Hell barely even counts, they probably deserve it!
American exceptionalism specifically. Consider the above, and mysteriously, all the native people start dying, leaving vast tracts of land for your people to settle. Well, gosh! God genocided a continent to show that it was secretly always ours! He must really like us!
Witch trials, debtors prisons, insane asylums, &c. They aren't hot or rich, so by definition, they're probably evil and deserve for bad things to happen to them!
... and half of the other shitty things that happen in our society, basically. Calvinism is horrific and it underlies a lot - especially in the US and UK, because the Puritans and Roundheads were mostly Calvinists.
(This was the religious freedom that the Pilgrims were seeking. The freedom to be horrible antisocial creeps.)
This is a pretty good basic summary, yep.
As a Dutch person, seeing someone describe John Calvin and Calvinism as some heavily religious deep cut is giving me a bit of whiplash.
For the uninitiated, almost everything about Dutch culture and attitude can be traced back to Calvinism. It's in our bones.
The frugality? Calvinism
The directness? Calvinism
"Doe Normaal" (act normal) being the national slogun? Calvinism
The way we celebrate religious holidays? Calvinism
Our former prime minister making himself popular and relatable by cycling to work on his bike while biting in an apple? Still can be traced back to Calvinism.
He's one of the most important historical religious figures mentioned in our history books, and I hate him and his religious views with a burning passion. I grew up agnostic, but reading his ideas almost made me atheist our of spite.
What do you mean, "it's already decided if you go to hell or heaven when you're born?"
Fuck off
Oh no, see, it's in our bones, too. We just buried those bones under Plymouth Rock and hid the Calvinism by screaming PILGRIMS over and over.
So much of what makes America America is fucking Calvinism, but it's been so heavily whitewashed and propagandized that most Americans literally don't know who the guy is or that he has such a heavy hand on how they live their lives. I cannot express how incredibly ... like... the POV most Americans get on our history talks about Puritans and Pilgrims and yadda yadda and doesn't talk about what their actual beliefs were, not really. We just zoom on past that.
I get it giving you whiplash. I truly do. And part of the reason why i have started screaming at people about John Calvin is that I didn't fucking know that most Americans have no fucking idea who he is until like... a year or so ago. I was just like "I mean it's Calvinism" in a thread and people had no idea and my fucking brain exploded and since then I've been paying much more attention to what people learned about this and how and... man, lemme tell you. They don't fucking know.