I'm not dead.
Just on a road trip.
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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DEAR READER
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@drunkcoffeemilk
I'm not dead.
Just on a road trip.
I wonder if, in superhero universes, the villains ever get contacted by those “Make a Wish Foundation” and similar people.
I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.
But surely there are also the kids, who - because they are kids and sometimes kids are just weird - decide that what they really, really want is to meet a supervillain. Because he’s scary or she’s awesome or that freeze ray is just really, really cool, you know?
Oh, man, that would absolutely be a thing. The heroes would be so weirded out by it. The villains with codes of ethics would totally band together to force the villains without one (should they be the one requested) to do their part for the cause.
But imagine the person who has to track down the villains and organise everything?
Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.
So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.
The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.
At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.
They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.
When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.
A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.
The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?
Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.
The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.
Around the office, they gain the unofficial job title of The Villain Wrangler.
The heroes are genuinely flabbergasted by The Villain Wrangler. At first, some of the heroes try to reason with them.
Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”
The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”
Heroes: “… no~ but…”
The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”
Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.
The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”
Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”
Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”
The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”
Villain: “Indeed.”
Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>
The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”
Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>
The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”
Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”
The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”
Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”
The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”
Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”
The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.
But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.
Trust is a strong word. The Villain Wrangler earned it, and is terrified by what it could mean.
My first official deadpool headcanon is this. This this this.
“I prefer when movies target my heart instead of my mind.” – Anton Yelchin, Rest in Peace.
concept: a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. they are friends. neither is secretly in love with the other. They spend time together, just the two of them, and don’t feel the need to hook up. Their spouses don’t worry about them.
gasps heard from every tv station
Literally what’s happening next week when my best friend gets here. @drunkcoffeemilk
We should get our own sitcom, dude!
reblog this if your icon could kill a man
Video: T-Rex Destroys ‘American Ninja Warrior’ Course
i literally wear the same three outfits every week i’m only a tier or two above a cartoon character it makes me sad
Why would that make you SAD? You’re basically a cartoon? Hell yeah cartoons are awesome. They go on crazy adventures and shit.
I literally have like one outfit that I call my “signature outfit” because if I were a cartoon character that’s why my limited wardrobe would be. and then I have like, one or two backups. I do wear other clothes, though.
If I could wear jeans, a leather jacket and boots everyday I would be happy.
As long as I have a toque or beanie I’m good to go.
Concept: me, spending time with my closest friends. We’re all in the kitchen while I’m cooking dinner, my apartment is cozy and it smells delicious. It’s raining outside and we’re all laughing, with no stress.
@paradoxofpersonality if you're making cookies too I'm in. I will make lattes and not touch the food so it remains delicious. We can invite @shoulddohomework and @ursine-paladin and the smart one who didn't get tumblr.
Every Lin Interview Ever
Interviewer: *asks a yes/no question*
Lin: *gets really excited about the founding fathers and answers with 3 historical anecdotes and 5 childhood memories, taking 18 minutes*
Interviewer: *tries to cut in and ask the next question*
Lin: *gets distracted and is now talking about his wife’s 30th birthday party*
Ouch.
Naw, it's a good thing. Excitement about life is always good.
When tall people are sad and they try to make themselves smaller by hunching or wrapping themselves around a small person but they just look like a forlorn giraffe
@drunkcoffeemilk
Poor giraffe, I shall be your zebra of awkward, height challenged comfort.
I can’t believe the Blue Man Group straight-up murdered one of our employees.
RIP in peace, Tom. You will be missed.
requested by anonymous
This is perfect.
date someone you could have fun at a grocery store with
This is too good not to reblog
Are you kidding me
Reading French: Well shit this might as well be english I can read this quickly and with 100% understanding wow
Listening to French: *blank expression staring light years past the person as my facial features slowly petrify*