DXM - its fucking soft

Im not going to condone or constrict you, i just wanna open a narrative in drug induced euphoric psychosis

[thememedaddy]

[paper--machete]

its wii shop wednesday

[paper--machete]

[mishmash-webster]

just had an amazing sleep paralysis experience wherein i looked above my bed and there was a green prompt box thing that said “reveal ghost” and of course my dumbass clicked on it and scary eyes slowly faded in as i tried to squirm around in fear and couldnt move like. man thats stupid you deserve whatever happens to you at that point

[dxmdeeds]

Its not gonna go away

I can't find myself to have the energy to keep feeling panic about my own rot

I haven't stopped using. I lie so much

I've done well but I can see where this is going to end. I dont want it to end but I can't stop the momentum

I tried so many things. Treatment. I asked everyone I trust to help but I would rather stomach my own death than to see another burnt out loved one look at me like the light has died out when it comes to my wellbeing

I lost so much but I can deal with that I dont want to see those I love loose because of me. Its selfish because if I was strong enough to face that loss I could probably get the help I need right

But I tried that so many times and everyone is suffering enough and I dont want to deal with how awful ive made my own situation when I know I can keep going like this.

Its always like this even in the most peaceful times

It really feels like life is keeping myself comfortable while I die

-

I am back in the same spot

I feel less weight but I still feel so empty yet so weighted down.

I know that I am still haunted by the ghost of every wrong decision I made, the harder I try to cope in healthy or unhealthy ways the more it all closes in like the spines of a fly trap.

I carry this suffocation with me and every time I peel a layer the stumps of old wounds throb and weep.

I know that hurting is better than the absence of emotion but I also feel so helpless even with the progress I made.

You are 26 almost 27 and you are drowning still

You are very good at pretending to breath though.

You are living life to the best of your ability but you know it will all claw at the edges of your awareness until there is nothing to perceive it.

You are still addicted and self destructive

You are still falling apart

You still want to keep going but it hurts and you feel weaker everyday

-

It will never stop hurting

-

I am so tired but seeing the life in those I have found myself around is its bittersweet ever after.

Said that they only stopped suicide by chance

Its not suicide though, you are confusing suicide with self destruction.

A short end can be stopped by chance, a long one is different.

Its the rot I look at in the mirror, I see my hands shake as I work, as I move I see my body quake with all I subject it to. I see the effects and my quick tongue and sharp wit write it off with lies I dont mean to speak.

But that relief I see when the lies land have roots that I am not strong enough to pull.

I'm thriving according to my own record. This is the best I can do right now.

[imkindof]

[dxmdeeds]

Im living in a dreamy world of half reality,

It gets to a point where im asking myself if each memory actually happened or if im just unable to remember falling asleep

Even in my sober waking hours i cannot tell if what happened the day before all happened

More often than not when i recount something i get confused looks so instead of asking anymore i just assume everything has the possibility to have not happened.

Doesnt help that im paranoid and wonder if im being followed or watched every time i turn my head

Dxm may have been the worst and best thing that happened to me. Now everything is both possibly fake and real and i only have to worry about now.

Living in the moment makes it hard to think of the future now and im living the same day of mild paranoia.

It brings back that suicidal ideation that was absent for so long

[great-tweets]

Beware!

[rayvenreayes]

Avoid sci-hub too👀

[queeranarchism]

From Ask for PDFs from People with Institutional Access

[dowereallyneedthis]

If you want to read an academic article that's behind a paywall just email the author and ask politely if they will send you the article. Most academics will be thrilled that you want to read their work and will gladly send it to you.

[rigil-kentauris]

*me, getting ready to hit you with a sick-ass keyboard smash*:

[deadddeviant]

I see your Palm keyboard and raise an IBM Butterfly keyboard. 

[jennifire]

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE

[hyratel]

it’s called “the late 90s/early 00s was a WILD time in consumer electronics”

[nelliwafer]

@virtualgirladvance @k1nky-r0b0t-g1rl

[rivka-kopelman]

[fvckinsociety]

Wouldn't mind dying in my sleep tonight.

[dxmdeeds]

The look in my face when I realize I am at the end of my narrative.

[dxmdeeds]

When I die I will know I lived.

I know I have tried.

And I know I will have failed.

[dxmdeeds]

Darling I was never going to be okay. I fought for you. I fought for the people we loved.

I fought drugs and got on medications that were supposed to help my weak psyche.

I don't think I was supposed to be saved.

I think I was supposed to die a miserable death that you delayed six years ago.

I have lived more than I was supposed to. I thank you for that my honeybean.

I wish I had the strength to be here for you and so many others that I know need me but I have been fighting off this horrific pain and I have no strength left.

I love you. I hope this drawn out suicide doesn't take. I'm gonna keep trying but my hope is thin and my strength is withered.

I never should have brought you into my doomed narritive

[dxmdeeds]

Soberiety is not easy

I am aware of the pain of every person I care for

I am aware of my pain

I am aware of my mistakes.

I am aware that I can do whatever I wish

I am aware I can relapse

I am aware of what that will do.

I am aware that I can cause an unsatisfactory ending to everyone else's experience of knowing me

I'm aware that for so many people that I wished to make proud of me, I already have done this and I have to live with this when I continue to exist.

I'm aware I can end it all for me. I know it won't make me feel better.

I am aware it will make pain the last thing i feel.

I am aware I refuse that.

I am aware that i will go on, for better no matter what

[dxmdeeds]

disconnect of stunted sobriety

my bone do not settle in this world. They creak and ache in the absense of chemical distractions and i try to tell myself that this is the fate I need to better myself. i am in my mid twenties and still supposed to be in prime condition. However, the abuse of my body in my further youth has doomed me to struggle.

I yearn for the opium of any sort, any kind just to escape full lucidity even if it scares my surrounding support. The jumbled mess my mind becomes intoxication is more comfort to me but antagonizes the ones i love.

Pain is beauty they say but beauty is comfort to others and I am so FUCKING tired of comforting others at my own expense.

One year sober. one year sober a touch too late, i lost my home, the tent i live in is covered in mildew and sickness.

I can't do this anymore. I have a job that pays too much for help getting into housing. My dream job.

I'm going to relapse. And i know that may spiral me to my own death but it was a death i expected at 18.

I feel i was only on borrowed time.

[orcboxer]

Things that work in fiction but not real life

torture getting reliable information out of people

knocking someone out to harmlessly incapacitate them for like an hour

jumping into water from staggering heights and surviving the fall completely intact

calling the police to deescalate a situation

rafting your way off a desert island

correctly profiling total strangers based on vibes

effectively operating every computer by typing and nothing else

ripping an IV out of your arm without consequences

heterosexual cowboy

[orcboxer]

This post breaching containment has taught me that a lot of people seem to think they can accurately profile complete strangers. For the record, no the fuck you can't.

[blackpyrefly]