The Art of Conversation
Having good conversation skills makes it easier to facilitate interaction. Conversation is a key part in any social interaction to push a friendship, or relationship, into deeper stages.
Remember to enunciate clearly. Breathe in before you speak so your voice is being supported by proper breath. Push the air through your voice in a controlled and measured manner from the lower abdomen area. (Forceful pushing of air through your vocal cords is what causes them to wear out quickly.) Stand up straight, with your shoulders, neck, and jaw relaxed with your weight slightly back on your heels. Your optimal tone should be around four piano notes up from the lowest note you can clearly sing. Remember to relax any tension in your neck and have it not too far forward or too far back. A good practice is to imagine you’re sniffing the air to catch a sent. Practice this until these habits become second nature.
A lot of people, especially if they are nervous in the beginning of an interaction, fire off a string of three or four generic questions and get the other person to do most of the conversational work and carry the conversational weight. Some examples: “Do you live around here?” “Do you come here often?” “What are you guys up to tonight?”
It’s better to focus on topics you’re personally interested in. That way it’s easier for you to bring positive energy, emote and contribute to the conversation by the knowledge, skills and experience you already have. It will be easier to become emotionally committed to the conversation rather than just conversing for the sake of keeping the interaction going and moving into the next stage in a relationship.
The same goes for the other person in the interaction. Once you get them on a topic they're passionate about it's really easy for them to talk with interest, emotion and enthusiasm. So much so that prolonged periods of time can go by and they won't even realize. Just give them sincere questions, open body language, eye contact, interest, enthusiasm, and the occasional smile in return. They'll love you for it.
The more proud someone is and the more work they put into something the more they will appreciate your listening ear, attention, and encouragement. The reverse is also true, if they tell you something is their masterpiece and you just casually agree and dismiss it, the more hurt and offended they will be. Pay attention to what someone is really proud of and you will have them in your thrall for quite a while.
Most experts adore teaching neophytes in their hobby. If you take sincere interest in an experts favorite pastime they will love answering your questions and demonstrating for you. They will cherish having someone to share their interest and enthusiasm with. You will quickly build a warm friendship and shared experiences as you learn and participate more in someone else’s favorite hobby. A curious conversation will be the beginning and warm friendship will be what becomes of it.
Develop the habit of active listening. With televisions on the wall, events in the background and your smart phone in your hand it’s really easy to get distracted and not pay attention to what someone is saying. Put your cell phone in your pocket and keep it there until there is no longer a demand for your attention and don’t let your need for attention and validation tempt you to think of what you want to say next. Instead, be genuinely interested in learning more about them, captivated by what they have to say, and give them validation for the points they repeat, emphasize or emote. When you’re genuine in your interest in what they have to say, it will take less effort to keep the conversation going because you’re sincerely enjoying their company. Active listening will naturally increase your desire to relate, your curiosity to learn more about them and your ability to notice the conversational threads they want to follow. (The Value of Being a Good ListenerThe New Menage a Trois and Are You Really Listening?)
Learn to be playful and humorous in a self-amusing way. It helps them to relax if you can make them smile, laugh, and show them that you don’t take yourself too seriously. Being self-amusing rather than trying to win them over helps your sub-communications be more congruent and prevents them from putting their guard up if they sense an agenda. (The Underrated Importance of Being Playful)
Build yourself an interesting life and have a variety of things you enjoy. The more variety of cool things you enjoy in life the easier it will be for you to emote on those topics in conversation.
Think about where you spend most of your time during the day. Write down the three main topics that take up most of your time and think about why you're so passionate about these things. Can you describe why you love this thing and emote about it? If you can then it’s a good topic to talk about if you want to connect with someone.
It's best to be true to yourself. If you genuinely find what you are saying interesting, funny, or intriguing, then you will own it. It will not be a routine; it will be something you say because you find it funny or interesting yourself. Then your sub communications will be more congruent and it will have a much higher chance of being perceived well. If you use a routine from the point of view that you are trying to get a response from someone because of an ulterior motive, chances are that you will have far less impact. The more that you try to get a response from someone else, the more the fact that you are trying distorts the message.
You don’t want to be too specific when you first introduce your passions into a conversation. The more general it is the easier it is for them to ask questions about and grab onto rather than some esoteric knowledge that makes you unique. Make the conversational threads as easy for them to grab onto as you can. “I love reading psychology” is easer to grasp than, “I’m studying the mirror neuron research that I learned about from Daniel Goleman’s Social Intelligence book.”
If you're honestly not sure what to talk about with people, we live in the information age. You can read what's trending in the news, on social media, subscribe to a popular YouTube channel or magazine that you're interested in. Be up to date on what's happening in current events, celebrities, sports, politics, popular culture, music, television, or movies. Each different area will give you a fresh variety of new things to talk about as time goes on and you read and watch more. And since they're generally disseminated to a wide group of people you'll have a better chance someone will know what you're talking about when you bring it up.
The goal is to develop depth of experience and understanding in your hobbies, interests, and life experiences. The more you develop your character in this way the easier it will be to expand upon those topics in conversation. You’ll naturally have a contagious enthusiasm in your words and it will infect those around you with positive energy.
People will usually find travel experiences as interesting and engaging conversation. If you go to visit a popular vacation destination, especially if it’s one the other person hopes to visit, they will gladly listen to your stories. The positive emotions you experienced on your trip will be felt in your speech and infect the other person. People generally prefer to get recommendations on what to do when travelling to someplace they’ve never been before so curiosity will come easily from the other person. It’s much easier to create an engaging, interesting, and adventurous story about exploring a new and exciting travel destination as opposed to the everyday hometown or a material possession you’ve bought.
Travel helps build your character too, moving away from your usual routine, habits, and anchors will give you a fresh new perspective on the world and your life. Travel is also great practice for getting out of your comfort zone.
Don’t worry if you “have no idea what to say next.” Not knowing what to say next is not what makes women uncomfortable, it's when you get awkward because you don't know what to say, that makes them uncomfortable. The solution to these situations is not "memorize dozens of routines" the solution is "stop caring that I have nothing planned to say." Accept it, relax, smile, look her in the eyes and realize that life is full of these moments and it's nothing to be stressed about. Being comfortable with silence is mark of confidence and social intelligence. You'll find that conversation comes naturally when you can do this.
When you first meet someone you want to make sure that you can keep the positive underpinnings of the conversation going. Don’t talk about anything that’s morose. For example, getting dumped or laid off. Talk to your good friends or family about these topics. Don’t emotionally lean on someone you just met. Keep it emotionally neural trending towards positive in the first few interactions and especially the first few minutes.
If you're not sure whether to bring up a touchy or emotionally deep topic, test the water first in small, subtle, and vague ways. You can bring things up in the third person with a neutral tone and see how they react. If they bite and pull into the conversational thread then you should be good to go. If they pull back or look confused, you can pass it by and move on. "I was talking with my friend X today, and he just decided to buy a pet spider. Interesting eh?"
Another approach is to own your quirky interests fully and acknowledge that they might be a little different. Either she'll be interested and go further, or pass it by. Whatever happens, be glad that you had the confidence to present your authentic self. "I love Spice Girls and Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I don't care what anyone thinks." (Why People Like You More When You Tell All)
If someone brings up a topic that’s emotionally negative. You can reframe it as positive, defuse it and make a statement or ask a question that’s leaning towards a more positive emotional disposition. “Yeah, I did just end a good relationship, but we’re trying to remain as friends and continue on. I’m actually quite happy to be single again because it’s nice to have space to meet new people and create new friendships and relationships. How’s that new book you’re enjoying?”
Act as if you’re comfortable with what you’re saying. It’s not just words; vocal tonality and body language are worth more in face to face communication. Moreover, because of the way our social brain works, the other person will naturally mirror your emotional state and body language. You want them to be feeling as relaxed and emotionally at ease as possible so they’re more likely to open up about themselves and become more interested in what you have to say. Eye contact, the occasional smile, facing the person, and open body language are all important.
The level to which you get detailed and specific with your personal interests, or passions, depends on her level of interest and passion in the topic. Pay attention to see if she's receptive to learn more. “I really like studying interpersonal skills." My interest and passion.“Oh okay, what sorts of things have you been studying recently?” She shows her interest and understanding. “Right now I’m doing research for my next blog on conversation skills.” Seeing her interest it’s okay to expand, go deeper and more detailed into the topic. “Wow, that sounds so interesting. What’s something that you learned?” And so on. As compared to, “I wrote over 200 blog entries on interpersonal skills on my Facebook, people ask me for advice sometimes and dating companies even tried to recruit me before.” It’s easy to sound like you’re bragging if you just come out with it right away or bore her unknowingly by expanding topics they don’t care for. Talking about topics of mutual interest will make things more enjoyable for the both of you rather than one sided.
Pay attention to her body language and reactions too. If you see open body language and enthusiasm then it’s more likely to be well received if you broach a subject further.
Talking about your personal interests or passions has an unintended benefit towards qualification and screening as well. The way conversation naturally works, talking about your passion will naturally qualify and screen the person you’re talking to by playing upon their own understanding, experience and passion for the topic. They’ll naturally respond to topics they’re interested in and emote more. “I studied a lot of cold approach skills in my undergrad. I remember some days all I would do all day every day is approach girls. ” “Oh really? Could you give me a demonstration? I want to be the judge of these skills.” “Sure, you sit over there across from that group and you can watch and listen to me as I approach.” … “Wow! Keith! That was amazing! I had no idea you had this talent! You have to teach me!” “Ha ha, you’re welcome my friend. I have a feeling this is the start of something special. There is more to me than what meets the eye. ;)”
Be prepared to answer your own questions. It’s easier to sustain conversation and connect when you share an equal amount of conversational work. It also helps them relax too, since there isn’t always social pressure on them to fill the silence.
When you’re conversing in a large group about your personal interests it’s good to be socially aware and make sure everyone feels included in a conversation. The more detailed and esoteric you get into your passion the higher the chance that someone might feel excluded. Be willing to explain the foundations behind what you’re talking about or shift the topic back to something more general to include the group rather than just the person you’re interested in.
Not everyone is as fortunate to have a friend like me that can train them in conversation, social, dating, and relationship skills for free. In a conversation with a new group of people, or even people that are shy or nervous, treat yourself as the conversational host and remember that it is your job to make the conversation flow comfortably and naturally. Make sure everyone is included and do the conversational work to get someone up to speed on what’s going on in the conversation if need be. You’re going to have to carry the conversational work until they relax because you are fortunate enough to have me teach you. They aren’t.
Don’t start conversations based on inferences from first impressions or stereotypes. It can come off as pretentious and prejudice if you assume something based just on their appearance.
Enter conversation with no agenda. You’re only there to have a fun and entertaining time. Once you start putting social pressure on yourself towards some end goal it will affect your sub-communications. By having a goal in mind, you’re more likely to become outcome dependent, which makes you more likely to get nervous and choke. And it could dampen the natural flow of the conversation because you’re not as immersed in the moment, but rather thinking about what has to happen next. Genuinely enjoying the conversation just because is a lot more attractive than a salesman only pretending to be your friend because he wants you to buy something.
There is a place to put your best self forward. You can weave your stories into lengths of natural conversation based on her interest and contribution to the topic. When you sit down and think about where you spend most of your time during the day to figure out your passions. Under the main headings you can make point form stories or topics that contain things you want to demonstrate about your best self and splice those into lengths of natural conversation when the opportunity arises.
Family, occupation, recreation, and dreams are natural conversation topics if you are wondering what to talk about next. Be thoughtful to feel out the emotional tone of family and occupation though. Those topics aren’t always interesting or positive for people who have struggled in life. It’s always a safer bet to create a fun and enjoyable conversation by leaning towards recreation and dreams.
If you’re not sure how to carry a conversation and get them to open up more about themselves, you can try the Statement, Reflection, Question model:
1) Their Statement: “My friends and I are going to try that new sushi place at the mall today then maybe go a movie.”
2) Reflect that topic based upon your experience, knowledge or memories. What does this remind you of? “Oh cool, I love sushi! I remember one of my best friends had a nice variety of sushi at his wedding dinner when I was one of the best men. I was in heaven! :D”
3) Question: “What’s your favorite variety of sushi?” When you ask the question be careful to steer the topic to something you know more about and are interested in so you can emote easier and help carry the conversational work.
Generally speaking there are three ways you can respond in a conversation:
1) Validation. Showing interest, comforting kind words, respecting thoughts and opinions, empathy, encouragement. All these are things you can do to validate their point of view and are powerful ways to connect when used authentically and honestly.
2) Insight. If you share a commonality with the person you’re talking to you can have a long discussion about what you like, dislike, or any particularly interesting experience about that topic. You can trade advice or tips between each other to deepen your mutual understanding of the topic. Having insight helps keep the conversation interesting because it helps bring new things into the discussion.
3) Debate. Debate is a good way to display your conflict resolution style. If she sees you’re patient enough to actively listen, validate her point of view, and then respectfully offer your own she’ll feel more comfortable voicing her opinion to you. Agreeing with everything can become cloying and tiresome quickly. She’ll respect you more for having your own opinions about things. Comfortable verbal sparring displays confidence, knowledge, and intelligence.
Good conversation skills will not only help you in your personal relationships, but will also make you be a better negotiator, employee, customer, confidant, and friend. Conversation is the path that you walk towards more fulfilling relationships with anyone you encounter. So the easier you can traverse the conversational world the easier it will be to enjoy the adventure of each new person you meet. I hope you find the happiness, adventure, love and fulfillment you’re looking for. Best wishes my friend. :)
–Dynamox6 Further Resources: How To Keep A Conversation Going
On Conversation with One's Lover
Four Critical Unconscious Questions We’re Asking Each Other All The Time
7 Ways to Make Small Talk Work for You
Karl Albrecht: The Rule of Three
Conversational Intelligence
How Conversation Works
Dealing with Shy and Introverted Girls
Vocal Leadership
Love Systems Podcast: Trigger Words
Love Systems Derek Cajun on Holding Conversation
Love Systems Derek Cajun on How to Make Every Conversation Interesting
The Importance of Being A Good Listener Part 1 of 2
The Importance of Being A Good Listener Part 2 of 2
Improve Your Conversational Tone
3 Things Your Voice Tells the World About You
5 Questions That Will Give Your Conversations More Meaning
6 Ways To Be More Efficient In Conversation
8 Habits of Incredibly Interesting People
10 Questions To Ask A First Date Other Than "What Do You Do?"
4 Questions You Can Ask To Bring A Failing Tinder Date Back From The Dead
Five Steps to Get Anyone to Open Up to You About Anything
How To Be Less Awkward at Ending Small Talk
10 Must-Know Tips for Making Better Conversations
The 36 Questions That Lead to Love
Conversational Clickbait
Best Self Co. Icebreaker Deck
Best Self Co. Intimacy Deck
How to Have Deeper, More Intimate Conversations
