Stuff @earthbabyrpg - Tumblr Blog

The past couple weeks have included a lot of pole and hiking.

#polefitness #poledance #atheltic #hobbies #hiking #adk #adirondacks

Tfw……you tell digusting, aggressive men to fuck off REPEATEDLY but you’re the one who gets reported and threatened with deactivation by the website.

So shout out to www.kinkysingles.co.uk for being fucking useless.

earthbabyrpg

This is why I can't even try to online date any more. Just thinking about diving back into that toxic pool makes me nauseous. I have resigned myself to a life of being alone mostly because of my experience dating online.

I’ve been having a lot of depression problems lately. A few months ago I switched to a generic Wellbutrin in an attempt to see if it would reduce the amount I sweat and help with my weightloss. I don’t know if it did either, but it might have just the littlest bit. What I do know for sure is that this particular medication doesn’t help my depression much.

Last month I went through a cycle that nearly had me on my knees. I was holding back tears all day every day for about 3 weeks and thought I was probably dying. While I have popped back out of it I still don’t feel like half the person I usually am. So today I had my routine check in at the doctors and I am going back on a Zoloft med because I’ve had the most success with it in the past.

I want so badly to be happy and not feel like crap emotionally every day and to not hate work to the point where I want to kill myself over it, but I’m afraid I will always have this up and down battle. I’m so so so tired of it. I want to be able to live my life without depression but as the years go by and I am still depressed I lose more and more hope of ever knowing what it feels like to be a normally functioning person. I’m not sure I ever have experienced it.

My biggest trigger seems to be working full time because that’s when I struggle the most. I feel like such a loser sometimes for not being able to handle something, that is pretty much a norm, without needing to be medicated or without feeling like I’m being tortured all day. I worry for my future and fear that I will not be able to handle the responsibility of a job that would pay me a livable wage so I stay in these low paying positions that never let me get anywhere in life.

I don’t know what I will do when my parents are gone and I don’t have a free place to live anymore. I never have a partner to help me with the expenses of life.

#depression #mentalillness #workflow #worries #mental illness #health

pela-schmidt

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Kill me now

The only times I really feel depressed these days is while at work. I am pretty happy with how my life is outside of my job but my job makes me miserable. It probably shouldn’t. It’s not even a big deal of a job. I sit on a computer all day doing shit a monkey could be trained to do. It is mostly just repetition. I can mostly do whatever I want at work. Including sit here and write a journal entry and it’s usually okay for me to do so. Nobody cares. I can be late every day, I can sneak out early sometimes. Right now it is perfectly silent in here the way I like. Sometimes it is really easy for me to get the day off if I just ask. Do I make a lot of money doing this stuff? Definitely not! I am poor as fuck for my age. But other than that I have nothing I should be complaining about.

I am probably an entitled brat and will never be able to cope with real life. I don’t want to be the way though. I want to like my job.

I wish cam had worked out but I couldn’t even get myself to do it half the time because I was burned out from being in the office all day.

I want to go back to school but I have been out so long now I am in the trap of needing to make money.

The per suit of money makes me depressed.

P.s. Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. I can't even be happy about my birthday anymore because exactly a month to the day from it was the day Jojo committed suicide. I just want to forget that date but I never will be able to.

#depression #career #mentalillness #awareness #workplaceblues #anxiety

fivekets

someday, in the distant future, humans will once again be capable of hearing the phrase “what is love” without also feeling the primal urge to respond with “baby don’t hurt me”

Out in the woods this fall on various days.

#woods #lake #nature #hiking #adk #adirondacks #forest

thelastmessagereceived

“I miss you and I love you, but we can never be together.”

jellomarshmallow

Journal Entry: Everyday

Everyday is a struggle lately. I feel completely lost and hopeless for the future. This extends beyond my own life into the life of the world. Everything right now feels so dark, like the world outside; where the sun now sets at 4:30 pm and rises hardly early enough for me to see much of it at all. Monday-Friday in the winter is difficult. My office is in a basement. No windows. Just a “Happy light” that I am not even sure does anything to actually help my moods. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t.

Everyday is the same schedule of Work/Gym/Sleep. Sometimes fun with friends happen but I see them less and less as time goes on and they move forward with their lives and I sit here feeling stagnant and completely disillusioned.

Only my workouts and my pole dancing class bring me much relief from the garbage that goes on in my head. It is nice to just get to that place where my mind just goes blank and there is only breath and a pounding heart.

I’m not modeling right now, though I’m thinking of starting back up because I feel like the amount of money I bring home from my day job is chicken feed and it pretty much is. My paycheck would be great if I were 16 years old. But since I’m 32, bringing home 350 a week is basically like nothing in the end. It’s enough to pay my own bills/get things I need/feed myself so long as I also don’t have to pay rent. I want to pay rent though. It would be nice if I could afford to live my life as the adult I am. Shit it would be enough if I even had one person to split things with but I don’t.

I’ve run out of steam to complain about this.

#adulting #nolife #nohope #depression #mentalillness

I feel like I have gotten so far with my weight loss and fitness and yet I am still so unhappy with the way I look. I don’t know if I will ever be happy with the way I look and that’s kind of sad because I think I am pretty and everything. Part of me is beginning to suspect that I have been trained to hate my appearance no matter what it may be.

I feel ashamed that I would be sucked into such a shallow and seemingly sexist view of myself. I am the only one who thinks this way about me, I am certain of that, but I still struggle to let go of my own culturally instilled ideals of beauty and expecting myself to look like that. Do I even know anyone who looks like that? Not really. Maybe one friend but she has had surgery to make her body look that way on top of strict dieting and exercise and a job in which she was basically working out all night too!.... it’s not real.

Those kinds of bodies aren’t real and if they are they don’t come without extreme sacrifice and work that probably takes years to develop in most cases.

I don’t imagine myself the type of person to even want to live my life like that. I am already devoted to this lifestyle change. I am certain of it. I doubt that I will give up any time soon so what am I so worried about? Now that I am healthy and don’t have to worry about getting diabetes for a while, does it really matter all that much if it takes a while for me to shed the pounds that I want?

I am healthier and in better shape than I have been in a really long ass time. I feel good after my work outs, I have gained better control over my eating habits and have cut a ton of sugar out of my diet which is hard because SUGAR! I have been recovering more from my depression. I need to just be proud of myself for more than my appearance. I need to just STFU and stop whining about not being sexy.

#transformation #weightloss #fitness #gettingfit #diet #exercise #crazygirlproblems