all aboard the struggle bus

Sometimes, I don't know how to feel about certain things.

[elame]

Everyone has those thoughts sometimes. They don't make you broken or weak or foolish. They are part of being human. However, don't give credence to them. You are strong enough and smart enough, you know what thoughts are fine and which ones need to be stomped out before they can grow. Take a shower. Read a book. Create a playlist. Go to sleep. Drink water. Take care of yourself. You're worth it. 🌻

I cried reading this response. Thank you <3 I really needed this anon. :’)

[elame]

Eleven

You know you're starting to reach the breaking point when you start to think "You know... suicide seems like a viable solution." Or if an accident were to happen, you wouldn't mind dying. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I just want to stop thinking altogether. It's so scary, and I just... want to stop thinking about it.

[elame]

Ten

I’m having that moment where I found someone I like, and I know I’m fucked because I genuinely want to hang out with them more to know more about them.

The problem is.. is that he probably only sees me as just a friend. Plus, we only started hanging out in person for only the past weekend. Its one of those things where it starts out as like, a mini crush - you think they’re cute and you have a couple of interests that are similar and it’s like “Yes. This could work.” Then, once you start hanging out with them and get to know them, it just kinda explodes in your face to a “I’m. SO. Fucked.” situation.

Personally, I’ve been trying to hang out with him more often because I enjoy his company and I like talking to him. I’m a crappy conversationalist, but I try to learn more about him and remember things he says.

We basically started out as game buddies, and then we just started talking more. What’s strange is that we’ve known each other for a while; and never would I have thought that I would be attracted to this person in any way. Plus when did he get so cute. I don’t remember him being this cute before.

I just want to talk with him more. Especially since I’ll be leaving once I graduate, and my chances of actually seeing him reduce practically to 0%. I’m perfectly content with just staying as friends, even if it means hiding any developed feelings. Maybe not the best of ideas that I’ve had, but if it means preserving the friendship that we have... Then I’m all for it. And I don’t know.. It just might not work out in the end.

Or maybe I’m just lonely. God help me.

[elame]

nine

I’ve gotten depressed before, but I don’t think I have ever reached this point.

Everything from my academics, officer life, and relationship has been slowly spiraling in every direction imaginable that I don’t know where I’m even looking or paying attention to. I keep questioning everything that I’m doing and have done.

Why did you decide to be an officer? Why couldn’t you just let go?

Why did you put off this class until now? Why didn’t you take it last semester?

Why is he avoiding you? Did you do something to annoy him? Yeah, you probably did, didn’t you?

I just.. I’m so stressed, and I feel so lonely.  Even when I’m with him now I feel so lonely.  Like, everything I do just annoys him.  I know he’s like me and likes his personal space, so I give it to him when he’s playing his games/assignments. Likewise, he gives it to me when I’m over doing homework. But lately, it seems like he doesn’t want me over. Or if he invites me to something he follows up with “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Kind of.. half-heartedly.

Of course I want to spend time with him.  I’m always so busy with school and projects, and so I feel like I rarely get to see him.  I go over to his place late anyways, so it’s like, I interact with him for a few hours then sleep. Sometimes I don’t interact with him at all and just do homework. Is it a bad thing that I just want to feel his presence? Like, is that asking for too much? Is it a bad thing to just... hang out?

On top of that, I feel like my officers are in disarray.. No one wants to be president. I don’t know what to do or say to them that would want to change their minds. I feel like this semester just has been rough for me that this presidency has been difficult.. On top of everyone else not doing their jobs. I swear it’s not supposed to be this hard. If everyone just contributed or planned ahead, then it’s honestly just smooth sailing. Now I just feel.. so abandoned.

..and lonely.

And stressed.

And tired.

Of everything.

[elame]

Eight

My mind right now is in a constant state of panic. It's so hard to focus on people's conversations because my mind is circling around the worst case scenarios. People keep telling me that "I'll find a way" or that "it'll all work out." I want to take these words to heart, but keep hearing my subconscious say "Yeah, but what if it doesn't? What are you going to do then?" So I keep thinking of alternatives. And alternatives to the alternatives. And so on. Relaxing doesn't help. I have so many things to think about and keep track of. I can't let my board know how I feel because then how will they view me? If I'm already stressing over Summer B, then how will I handle the rest of the year? I don't have the luxury to tell anyone, and I don't want to bother my friends about it because I'm sure they don't want to hear about it either. Holding in emotions suck. I really need my board filled. And I really need an IVP, but I don't think that's going to happen. Every time I run through old officers that are eligible, my heart breaks a little bit. The people I want don't want to do it or don't have the time. And that's something I can't fix, and I don't want to force them into something they hate doing or have to struggle with school for. I think I would be content with just getting most of the other positions filled first.. Ahaha.. I know I shouldn't, but I still can't help but blame myself.

[elame]

Seven

I feel annoyed, and I also feel like I'm being annoying with a touch of awkward.

Let's start with the first part.

I do not understand why people gotta be so rude towards one person.  He's never done anything wrong to anyone.  Sure, he can be a handful at times, but he's never done anything to harm anyone.  Yet everyone is being so salty behind his back for this damn date auction.  I just don't understand why people are specifying to donate for one in the pair but not the other.  They're a pair.

Let me reiterate.

They. Are. A. pair.

I am so tired of hearing "Oh, I donated 3$ to her."  or "I donate this money for her, and not for him."  What the fuck.  No.  That's not how this works.

Can you imagine how he would feel if a person just said "I'm donating to the cause just for your partner, and not for you" to his face?  Let alone 100 other people saying a similar thing?  It's basically saying he isn't worth anything.  And that pisses me off so much to the point where I tear up in frustration.

Some of you may think I'm taking this a bit too seriously, but I think people aren't taking date auction seriously enough.  Why are people donating 5 cents? I understand times are tough as a college student, but really.. 5 cents?  Couldn't you just donate a dollar?  Being a former participant, I know how it feels to think you aren't raising enough money.  And I also know that you want your successors to raise just as much money as you did, so you give back as much as you can (especially for charity).  How people are treating this date auction makes me really upset; I had high expectations for my successors, and it hurts me to see how little people have donated.

I'm very disappointed in my co.  More so that she's participating in the insults rather than trying to stop them.

But I'm going to move on from that subject.

The second part:

Sometimes I wonder if I get on his nerves whenever I message/text him.  And a lot of times I wonder if I'm just reading too much into it.  Maybe he's just being nice to me.  I try not to send him things too often, but I really do want to keep talking to him.  Just not now since he has the plague and I want him to get better.

He asked me if my classmate I was doing homework with liked me, and I told him no.  He invited me to watch a guest speaker since his roommate was sick and had an extra ticket from him.  He waited to eat lunch with me on Friday, but ended up being cockblocked by his classmate who needed help with her homework.

But every time we say goodbye, it's always somewhat awkward.  I always wish that our walks to Turlington lasted a little longer since it's really the only time I can talk to him for an extended period of time without being socially inept.  Sometimes I want to give him a hug goodbye, but it never really gets initiated by either of us.  I think there are times when he wants to give a hug goodbye as well, but it never happens.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this.  It's usually the case.

[elame]

Six

The future is scarier than unexpected cockroaches.  Idk.  It was the first comparison that came into my head.

We were sitting in the car and she asks, "If you could go back to freshman year of college, what would you have done differently?"

And honestly, I would have done a lot of things differently.

I came into college thinking that I could take whatever classes I wanted on the side as long as I followed the track for my major/program.  That really isn't the case.  I really fucked up my freshman year.  I changed my major too late during freshman spring semester, wasting a whole year of classes and credits.  So now I'm playing catch up with my classes with extra credits that I don't need.  Don't need Chem 2+lab, Latin I, or Stats I, and I could have skipped Calc 1 and gone to Calc 2 instead.

I would have finished my gen-eds my freshman year instead of wasting my junior and senior year trying to cram them in with my cores and electives.

If I had known that I wasn't cut out for Pharmacy from the get-go.  If I had known it was something I chose because my grandparents suggested it to me because their friend's sons and daughters are studying pharmacy.  If I had known that I should pursue my passion rather that taking some idea that people had placed into my head because it was the easy way out.  That I didn't have to think.  That it was neatly placed before me saying, "Pick me, pick me.  It's what they want.  It's what's expected of you."

Hell yeah, I would have done things differently.

If there were options before me, I would have picked creativity over logic.  To paint my own creations and be able to criticize, rather than be criticized because I can't think.  I want to receive advice and improve, not receive condescending glares.

But there wasn't any options.  Only an ultimatum: "Stay with medicine, or else choose logic."

I chose logic.  Programming.

I'm not saying programming is a bad thing. In fact, it's revolutionary.  I would love to be able to do it effortlessly, or with less struggle.  But I can't.  I don't have a logical way of thinking.  I don't have a programmer's mind.  I sit there with a prompt in front of me telling me that I have to program this with that feature, and that certain errors need to be caught and thrown, and at the same time spitting out these results.

I'm not a logical thinker.  I have demons in my head, and princesses fighting them off while escaping from her prince.  I have ideas, stories, and pictures; but they all have to be pushed aside for parentheses and semi-colons.

I play video games, and I've always dreamed to help make one.  But what I'm forced to study and what I want to do are two different things.  Sure some classes align, but I don't really care much to program.

I want to draw.  To design.  I wanted art, but they wouldn't give it to me.

And now that it's available, it's too late to change.  I'm stuck with a creative mind in a logical world.

And quite frankly, I don't know what the future holds for people like me.

[elame]

Five

I always keep forgetting to write how I feel about elections... Well, better late then never.

I feel like people don't grasp the purpose of elections.  Or pro-con.  Or discussion.  I feel like people say things just so they can hear themselves speak.  The points they make aren't even relevant to the conversation, or are invalid points.

The whole point of elections is to vote for people who you believe would be the best fit for the position.  Don't vote for your friend unless they prove that they're worthy of the position on how they present themselves during their speech.  Don't let your bias or friendship get in the way of your vote.  That's not how elections are supposed to go.

Pro-con.  This isn't really much of a problem.. unless people state useless pros and cons that shouldn't even affect how people are supposed to vote.

Discussion.  This is the part that kills me.  This is the part where you can see everyone's bias.  When people say they give a non-biased answer?  Utter bullshit.  Everyone in AASU is biased.  Hardly anyone knows how to properly contribute something that's worthy of saying.  If you really want to present yourself as unbiased, you do the thing I like to call "The Sandwich Method" (shoutout to my high school english teacher for telling our class this method).  What you do is you say one "nice" thing, typically a pro about their work ethic or what-have-you, followed by a con they have, and then end on a "nice" remark.  Don't beat around the bush and repeat things that have already been said.

You know who did a FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC JOB doing that method?  Name-twin.  She was the only one that I heard do discussion right.  And you KNOW should could have been biased towards one of the candidates, but she wasn't.  TEN FOR YOU NAME-TWIN.  YOU GO NAME-TWIN.  And none for AASU, bye.

DON'T BASH THE CANDIDATES OR SPEAKER.  DON'T BASH THE CANDIDATES OR SPEAKER. DON'T FUCKING BASH THE CANDIDATES OR SPEAKER.  I do not give two shits if their voice makes your ears bleed because you know what, they might have useful points to make.  I don't care if hearing them talk makes your blood boil.  When you start attacking the candidate or speaker's personality/point, you look like a total ass.  In front of everyone.  And don't use tones that come off as if you're attacking the person either.  You aren't helping prove your point.  You'll just look like a bitch who's biased towards one candidate over the other.

Don't make invalid points.  Not only will you look stupid for saying something that isn't true, it doesn't look good for you or your org (if you're an officer).  Don't make up shit.  If you aren't sure, don't say it.  Get your facts straight first.

I could go on, but I'll stop here.

Don't even get me started on this unity nonsense.

[elame]

Four

I don't understand how people like them.  I really don't.  And it pisses me off that NO ONE is even trying to convince others to run for us.  And now others want to run for them instead.  I'm losing my shit... internally.

I personally dislike them.  It's not exactly hate, but it's slowly getting there.  Let him choose the position he wants; don't tell him to not run for both and say it looks bad.  Who are you to tell him to run for you when you guys chose someone else to groom over him?  He looks up to you, thinks of you as family, yet his own "family" chooses someone else.  If he likes two things, let him choose which one he wants more.  It's insulting to people like me who also had to choose between two orgs.

Speaking of which.. Dearest Co,

Did you not remember that whole time we spent together at meet and greet trying to convince my little to run for our position?  You literally put our work to shit by telling him to run for them instead of us.  You don't turn away a potential candidate.  You don't turn them away without telling me before hand or without me there.  And it hurts me the most that I don't find out about it until you tell everyone else in the room.  We are partners.  Co's.  We need to tell each other things first before we tell every one else.  You should not decide things on your own.  We ran together for a reason.  ESPECIALLY since I see so much potential for him on next year's board.

I don't mean to say he doesn't have potential for the other, but he could do so much more for us than with them.  You can't play the race card either.  Neither of us are of the appropriate race.  No one told us we needed to run for V or F.  Why would you tell him to run for them because of his ethnicity.  You forget almost half our board is his ethnicity.

I'm doing my best to rebuild our work... Well, it's slowly turning into my work now.  Not that you've done much to help me when I needed you most.

It's always been me who was there for you.  Me who would drop every thing to get our job done.  Me who would sacrifice my enjoyment to help other officers or get every thing under control.  I cried one time too many because of all the stress our job has put me through.  I always, Always, ALWAYS turned the other cheek for you to give you the benefit of the doubt.  I don't think you truly realize how difficult our position is.  Of course you don't because I always did the work.  And I am slightly insulted that you are considering one position higher when you don't even know the amount of work you have to put into it and that you told her that you're underestimating the position's work load.  What does that say about what you think of our position and the amount of work we do?  I am hurt, insulted, and betrayed.

And honestly, I don't know what to tell you or how to tell you since you will take my words personally no matter how I phrase it.  And honestly, I really don't care anymore.

[runawayheart]

*Meets Nick’s friend.*

"He’s cute."

"Really? Because he is 16."

I am so done.

[elame]

Literally me rn

[elame]

Three

These past two days have been filled with nothing but plot twists and both external and internal screams.

First, neither my friend and I were 21 to check into the time share we had, and neither of us knew we had to be 21 to check in in the first place.  So we literally thought of and called all the people we knew were from Orlando to see if they were 21 or could offer a place to let us stay for one night.  And it had to be him of all people who offered.

And so... We ended up staying at his place for the night.  And we were under the impression we were staying in a guest room in his house, but instead he offered his room to us to sleep in.  And I slept in his bed.  And his room was completely blue.  Way too blue.  And it got awkward when my friend and I found out he could hear part of our conversation.  And that's saying something because we were way more quiet than we normally are.

Then it rained on us during the Disney trip.  We were cold, wet, and hungry.  But hey, I survived Tower of Terror.  And never again will I go on that ride.  Sudden drops are no bueno.  I was shaking so much and teared up when the ride was over.

Next I come to find out he is 16.  And I literally almost lost my shit.  No, actually, I DID lose my shit.  To be honest, I never thought I would be the person to like someone four years younger than me.  In my defense, I never knew how old he was until I asked him that time, and not to mention he looked like he could pass for someone who was 18.  I don't know how I feel about this whole situation now because his age explains a lot of things about him that bothered me.  Like his voice and certain mannerisms.

I'm slowly backing away from liking him, especially since he's a minor and I don't want to get caught in something messy really fast.  But, if there is a possibility that he likes me in two years, then there might be a possibility that I'll try again because I feel like a number shouldn't be a hindrance on who you like... it's just that right now would not be a good time since he's a minor and I... am not.  Plus, I have to take into consideration his personal maturity level.  He may be professional when it comes to college and org stuff, but he's still a 16 year old boy.  He may come onto me because of hormones, and not for the person I am.  And a lot can happen in two years.  He and I might find someone else whom we like, and if I wait two years for him and he's dating someone else... then it was all for naught and a waste of my time. I don't know, man.  I feel like life threw a doughnut with a cage over it and told me to 'wait'.  But is that doughnut really worth waiting for?

[elame]

Two

We're playing a questions game, and as time goes on I feel like my grip on him is slipping.  I'm trying to hold on with a small glimmer of hope that I might have a chance, but it's fading pretty quickly.

Honestly I thought he had forgotten about the whole game, so it surprised me when he asked whose turn it was to ask a question.  So we ended up asking each other questions throughout the day.  Granted, I was shopping with my mom since today was our bonding day, so my responses were a bit slow.  He didn't seem to mind though, and I was happy that he initiated the conversation because I wouldn't have.

And some of the things were interesting, both the things he asked and his responses to my questions.  One of his pet peeves is apparently derpiness... To which I was about to reply "Well, it looks like we can't be friends," but refrained.

Also, since me and a friend of mine are going to Disney this week for spring break, we're going to go see him.  Not that I mind, but I just don't know how I'll react to being around him.  I must do my best to act normal, otherwise things will get awkward fast.  Plus, this will be my second time meeting him in person.  And I tend to get social stupid when I meet up with someone I rarely see.

As our conversations progress, I'm getting the feeling he's only thinking of us being just friends.

And I don't mind it.  As long as I can talk to him, I feel like I can put my affection for him aside and get along as just friends.  At least, that's what I'm hoping.

Here's to praying all goes well this week.

[elame]

One

About a little over a month ago, I met him for the first time.  I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect, but I tried my best.

I liked him, but not in the "like-like him" kind of way.. At least not yet.  Sure I would fangirl over him, but in all actuality I wanted to know more about him.  I wanted to talk to him in the most innocent way possible.  To have a nice conversation without distraction, or running out of things to say.  I wanted him to tell me more about himself, even if it's something that seems so small and insignificant.  And every time I see his name show up on my phone, I would get so happy that he is taking the time to talk to me despite his busy schedule.

Then, he started to grow on me.  It's reached the point to where I want to talk to him every day; and when he doesn't return a text as quickly as the others, I start to worry.  On top of that, I become self-conscious of starting a conversation with him.  And that's when I realized that I'm starting to "like-like" him.

It doesn't help that he sends me mixed signals either.  Because of that, I have to tread carefully and be mindful of the things I say.  Every now and then I'll slip up, and he'll point it out and here I am scrambling for something to say or explain to him.  Other times he'll send me something couples related, and I just sit here in confusion of how to respond.  Every time he hints that we're just friends it feels like he's slapping me across the face and then apologizing right afterwards by lightly patting my cheeks as if he were trying to stop the pain. But I take it because I still want to keep our friendship... Even if it's not important to him as it is to me.  The last thing I would want is for things to be awkward between us.

And even as I say this, I can't help but think, "Is there something wrong with me? Was it something I said or did? Is there someone else? Am I not pretty enough? I was probably too quiet when we met and he thinks I don't like him. Maybe I'm just overthinking this, and need to calm down. When should I text him? Should I even text him? Would I be bothering him? We just talked yesterday. I should wait until he starts a conversation, but what if he never does? Why would he send something like that? Does he know?"

The worst part is that he tells me he's been rejected several times by other girls, and here I am sympathizing with him while holding a sign that says "I like you, but you won't notice me."

The irony of this situation is all is too great.