~Clouded in Mystery~

[ koi • they/them • 21 ] Whack personality and mental health sideblog

[lemony-ink]

having low/no empathy doesn't make you evil or less-than someone else

you don't owe empathy to anyone

having NPD or ASPD doesn't make you a bad person

[cultishhellvent]

Things we as a RAMCOA survivor want non-survivors to know

This is going to be emotional but this has also been a long time coming. Most of our 34 drafts on this account have been on this topic and today something happened that was just the last straw for us. If you are not a survivor sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. It's our turn now. You are privileged comparatively on this regard- whether you like it or not.

Do not silence RAMCOA survivors in favor of people with "false memories"

I have no idea why this is something that needs to be said because you would assume it would be common decency but apparently a lot of non-RAMCOA survivors seem to be completely unaware of how fucked up it is to say.

Not only has false memory syndrome been thoroughly debunked- but the only time someone has anything close is when they have a disorder that makes them prone to delusions. In which case that is a delusion. Stop blaming survivors who are working to recover and possibly save the lives of others who currently as you read this are actively being tortured, for a disorder that most people are born with and has literally nothing to do with us. Stop using "some people have delusions" as a backhanded way to harm RAMCOA survivors.

I am sick and tired of people making it clear they care far more about people with "false memories" than they do for real torture survivors.

Do not tell a RAMCOA survivor to their face you have had false memories of the torture they actively endured. It is incredibly insensitive and is a mockery of the torture they experienced.

And if one more "person" makes the claim that RAMCOA survivors talking about our experiences, the things that were done to us and others, is putting people with a disorder we didn't cause in danger- I will snap. We didn't give anyone a disorder- we didn't manifest your fucking delusions. You can work through your delusions in therapy- we have physical and mental injuries that will never fully heal from our REAL experience. It is such a disgusting and selfish thing to do. You are not allies- you are harming all survivors.

Stop telling RAMCOA survivors to never look into things

It's funny how this is often done in order to try and aid and help us, considering not having the terminology almost got us killed.

Non-ramcoa survivors telling RAMCOA survivors that talking about RAMCOA is dangerous and they should never look into it are actively harming programmed systems by triggering silence programs and making them self-destruct and get less access to aid, community, and terminology to be able to explain experiences to a medical professional and there has been little to no proof that learning about RAMCOA has ever killed a RAMCOA survivor.

People who push this idea that "it's too dangerous for you :((" and shut down all ramcoa survivors and then try to destroy our community terms like HC-DID (highly complex; this is used to described programmed systems that are polyfragmented and their complex structures) because of some idea of being a glorious savior to us- are just being incredibly selfish and insensitive. It has never been about helping us, not ever. It has been about you and people like you wanting to feel like you're oh so cool and good and special. That you "really care" about the likes of the poor weak incapable RAMCOA survivors.

We don't need to be babied. We fucking crawled out of the bowels of hell itself and have been through things that people often don't survive. Some of us have to fight programs every day- before and after knowing about our survivor status. Omega programming didn't start when we learned about RAMCOA- it first kicked off when we were nine years old. You failing to educate yourselves on the way programming functions yet insisting on speaking for us and people like us is infuriating. We are not children and even the ones that are do not fucking need you to baby them.

The only people we have ever seen proclaim talking about how "speaking on RAMCOA is bad and dangerous!!!!" are one of two groups; Non ramcoa-survivors speaking for us, and RAMCOA survivors with a program actively causing them to say this. In case you don't know much about programming, there is programs that make you try and silence both yourself and other people. This is one of the most well known types of programs. I am sorry to say this but we genuinely believe that most if not all RAMCOA survivors saying this are having a program run.

People pushing this message onto us literally triggered our silence program for so long we couldn't say much to our therapist until we learned terminology. It took that for us to be put on a disappearance watch list. This community idea could have gotten us killed. We were in literal danger because we could not manage to tell our therapist about our experiences because others had said the very same words our abusers did. "Don't tell anyone."

RAMCOA perpetrators do fucking everything they can to make sure we never speak. You are aiding abusers by contributing to our silence and you are possibly sending people to die. This is not a thing I can be lighthearted about. This is something that has made our system have alters that deeply hate and despise anyone who contributed to it with us and the same to anyone who may have done so to others.

Edit: For those who struggle to interpret this- no we never said you should randomly spur of the moment look into RAMCOA with no safety nets. That should be common sense. We also literally never said that anywhere. I don't know why people are so incapable to read what we say. We're autistic we say what we mean.

[mischiefmanifold]

Do you have any resources for RAMCOA? Resources for like...the types of programs and stuff like that. We're going through things and trying to research and pinpoint things, but finding resources has been absolute hell. If you get this twice, I'm sorry. Our tumblr is kind of shit.

Hello! I have several resources that I think may be helpful to you:

This document (LINK) of "rare programs" and their descriptions, posted by @killercatboys.

Chapters 4 and 7 of Becoming Yourself by Alison Miller (LINK) discuss programming and chapter 7 includes an anecdote with specific programs and definitions. The entire book is really a great read and is geared towards survivors of RAMCOA, just be sure to take it slow and take care of yourself.

Common Programs Observed in Survivors of Satanic Ritualistic Abuse by David W. Neswald (LINK) - massive trigger warning for suicide, self-harm, and abuse.

Spin Programming: A Newly Uncovered Technique of Systematic Mind Control by John D. Lovern (LINK) - includes symptoms, implementation, and uses of spin programs; trigger warning for abuse/torture methods.

Healing the Unimaginable by Alison Miller (LINK) is geared towards therapists and professionals and includes more in-depth information about RAMCOA than Becoming Yourself does. Again, massive trigger warning throughout the book for RAMCOA.

Kinds of Torture Endured in Ritual Abuse and Trauma-Based Mind Control by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) - partial list of torture methods used in RAMCOA; trigger warning for abuse, near-death, and torture.

Mind Control: Simple to Complex by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) - describes twelve "stages" of mind control and programming, going from outward compliance to torture/trauma-based mind control; trigger warning for descriptions of abuse.

Some Indicators of Trauma-Based Mind Control Programming by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) provides common indicators of TBMC; most survivors of programming will have many of these indicators, but their presence does not prove the existence of TBMC and their absence does not prove that one has not experienced TBMC.

Adult and Adolescent Indicators of Ritual Trauma by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) provides indicators of ritual abuse in teens and adults; as with the last bullet point, their presence does not prove ritual abuse and their absence does not disprove it.

Child Indicators of Ritual Abuse Trauma in Play and Art by Ellen P. Lacter (LINK) provides potential indicators of ritualized abuse in children and pre-teens; as with the previous two bullet points, their presence does not prove ritual abuse and their absence does not disprove it.

[eldritch-koi]

I wonder how many of people with ASPD were misdiagnosed with Autism at first. 🤔

I started out with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) but later on was diagnosed with Autism. Let me make it clear that it was a lazy diagnosis by a school psychologist (I remember the tests they did and it was laughable).

I assume it was mostly because I had an autistic brother and went to a school that had a program for autism. My bad/weird behavior was just easily excused and treated for as autism.

But as I grew up I found out it wasn’t Autism, like at all, and was just a concoction of a few other illnesses as well as ASPD. Weird.

[carnivoroustomatoes]

[Image Description:

An infographic with a red heading, titled “Empathy Explained”

A simple picture of an empty glass, labeled “Cognitive Empathy,” with caption “Cognitive empathy is the ability to recognise and understand the emotions of others”

A simple picture of a drop of liquid, labeled “Affective Empathy,” with caption “Affective empathy is the ability to feel the emotions you percieve others having as your own”

Two pictures, one of a half-full glass on the left, and one of a full glass on the right. Captioned “Empathy is a spectrum, regular empathy levels look like anything within this range. The water is in the glass and you have enough to take a drink.”

Three pictures, on the left an overflowing glass, in the center a glass half as tall which is also overflowing, on the right liquid without a glass. Captioned “Hyperempathy, high levels of affective empathy that cause the person who has it great distress, looks like anything with this range. No matter how big the glass is the water is overflowing.

Four pictures, from left to right. A short glass with barely liquid at the bottom. A tall, empty glass. A medium sized glass with condensation forming on the sides. A large, empty glass with a much smaller, half-full glass. Captioned “Low empathy, defined by affective empathy is a wide range that can look like many different things. No matter the size of the glass it could only have a few drops at the bottom, condensation forming on the side, be completely empty, or have a seperate glass you can’t drink from.

Text: You cannot change what level of affective empathy you experience, you cannot develop it if you missed your chance growing up. Empathy has no moral value, do not glorify the suffering of people with hyperempathy and do not demonise people with low empathy for lacking something they cannot control.

/End ID] Described by @aranealux

[14-hiatus]

Btw, I was the one who came up with this analogy/concept with Toma. :D

[eldritch-koi]

Could someone explain what the one with the second cup you can’t drink from means? Like a real life example. I’m kind of confused. The rest is good though!

[sadiepickles]

I feel like a lot of common wisdom comforts sad people by saying “don’t worry it will get better” but as you become more experienced with dealing with your trauma, you realize that what they should be saying is “don’t worry you’ll get better at dealing with all of this.” In the past four years of tumbling chaos, my life hasn’t improved that much but I have become way better at coping. You evolve from “I can’t cope with this” to “this is hard right now but it will get resolved eventually, and for now I’m giving myself permission to stop worrying”

[lividlovers]

I'm telling you right now. You don't have to beat yourself up for people taking advantage of your kindness. You don't even have to rebrand into a heartless bitch. You just have to pay more attention to figuring out who's worth your energy and who's not. Don't diminish your worth because someone didn't recognize your value.

[imdatingurdad]

No medication has ever worked on me because i’m not suffering from a mental disorder i’m experiencing divine madness

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

also unrelated but occasionally i will make jokes about being a spiteful person or having enemies and ill without fail see comments like “dont make enemies forgive and move one ❤️” or things calling me toxic for it and really. i do need to clarify usually i do not care enough to genuinely hate anyone. at most im inconvenienced and annoyed. and making light of it is HOW i make peace with it. but if someone hating someone else who has deeply hurt them is your idea of toxic i do think. maybe. maybe you need to rethink your philosophy there. because it seems like youre equating “being toxic” with “expressing any emotion that is not positive or friendly to everyone”

[mrspider-deactivated20221213]

like other trauma survivors have talked about it endlessly and ive been up to my ears with it my whole life, but sometimes, hating someone is healing! deciding not to forgive someone is healing! that does not mean you are pouring all your energy into going after that person, it literally just means deciding “this person hurt me and i do not like them and i never will” and closing the chapter there. because sometimes people will not improve. and IF they do, THEN it is your chance to decide if you want to forgive them. its not something that you owe them or yourself, i dont know where or why it started but being genuinely angry is part of getting better. because youll never be able to realize you deserved to be treated better until you let yourself get angry that you werent.

[wahtdahel-blog]

[chemicalheart-deactivated202009]

that last line is absolutely phenomenal is this why yall are so keen on therapy??

[b-beams]

[Image description: a series of tweets by two twitter users. The first, by @alonesoul, reads “do you ever wanna just sit face to face with someone who did you dirty and have a deep talk with them as to why they did what they did?”. The replies are by @motherjuniper, and read “My therapist says it’s not healthy to be wondering what’s going through the minds of grown people who you can’t think for. You'l literally drive yourself mad”, and “If you can’t rationalise why someone hurt you it’s because you’re not like them and hat should be your closure”. End id.]

[eldritch-koi]

My abuser called me a “sociopath” as an insult for venting about him to a small group of people. Like, jokes on you bitch I am one, but the fact you’re using it as an insult and as a way to discredit me is pissing me the fuck off.

[eldritch-koi]

I made a post about my abuser (vent) that barely got traction and he comes on the post and threatens legal action and insults me. :/ I’m so frustrated I just want to fight back but there’s no winning!!!!!!

[violentviolette]

You’re the only person I feel like I can ask this. I was recently diagnosed with ASPD and I have a committed partner of 8 months. I was wondering how to know if I genuinely *love* this person or if I’m using them, such as relieving boredom. I don’t really understand what love is to a person without this PD or any PD. Could the reason or way I “love” this person be good enough? Thanks.

ur love can absolutely be enough. just because the way we process and show care and affection and love is different from nuerotypicals doesnt make it lesser

a big part is figuring out what love means to u personally. what does it mean for someone to be important to u and how are ur feelings for them different

for me, I consider myself to "love" another person when I am willing to put their needs before my own, because I care for their wellbeing in a non selfish way. I want what is best for them even if that conflicts with my own selfish desires, and am willing to put aside my feelings to make space for theirs.

theres also other components that are more about the other person and my personal preferences. they have to be someone I respect and view as an equal, I have to find them interesting and they have to meet certain compatibility requirements I have such as a similar sense of humor and level of intelligence as me. we need to value the same things and agree about how we try to live our lives. our brains have to vibe on the same frequency and I have to find spending time with them both easy and non draining. for me all these little things (and more) need to be present for me to say I love someone in a serious way

for u that might look different though. I know most ppl with aspd define their love differently, its a very individual thing and so its really going to be something thats unique to u. but that doesnt make it lesser

once u understand what love feels like for u, and also what u honestly feel about ur partner, itll be easier to tell if those feelings match up. but u aren't lying about loving them or just using them simply because u have aspd. the way u feel emotions, how u express those feelings, and what ur relationships look like doesnt make them not enough. u are absolutely enough as u are

[herrmetzger-deactivated20250120]

It'd be great if people understood that "no regard for others" means "no regard for others" and not "will seek you out to put salt in your coffee and punch you in the face"

[thriftedspacesuit]

I actually don't recall ever seeing a positivity post for ppl w ongoing amnesia caused by trauma disorders. I'm not talking just repressed childhood memories, I mean perpetual long-term memory loss. I mean continuing to forget non-traumatic things that happened or ppl you knew a few years or even months ago. I mean struggling to retain any information you're learning if you don't constantly go over the same material over and over again, and losing it all once you stop repeating it

If you have amnesia like me, you matter. We navigate the world a bit differently but that's okay. Just bc our brains are broken doesn't mean we can't live happy and fulfilling lives. Be patient w yourself when learning new things. Surround yourself w compassionate ppl who love to tell you stories abt past exploits you may have forgotten. Also, hey, who else gets to watch a movie for the first time every time? Above all be kind to yourself.

[egopathic]

just a question: do you guys cry?

i can’t cry for other people, and often when i try to cry for myself, my dissociation kicks in and it’s like 10 seconds of emotion max. it feels terrible, like putting a cork in it, i’d like to cry more actually.

[eldritch-koi]

I rarely cry. When I do it’s very brief and gives me a headache. Like a few tears max. Usually when this happens I’m planning on killing myself or am furiously angry.

But also I tend to often cry just as a means to mimic someone else crying (in person and someone important to me). I don’t feel a thing, it’s just something I do that feels like it helps? I’ve always had a knack for crying on command since I was a kid.

[eldritch-koi]

I get so irritated when people express strong emotions. Like there’s no way you’re serious- get a grip and be empty like the rest of us (me).

[eldritch-koi]

That is to say I do express emotions sometimes (genuinely, without a gain to it) but it’s rare and has a more justifiable reason. Most times I’m not gonna fuss over people being stupid in short moments it just doesn’t matter to me.