Who am I, you ask? Oh, wouldn’t you like to know, Hawk Moskowitz! I see all, I hear, all, I am all. You have class with me. You’ve passed me in the hallway. You probably saw me in my $400 David’s Bridal tulle prom dress as I wondered why you were sulking in the corner. I’m sure you’ve mentally written me off as just another bimbo. Most have—this is by design.
As for Yasmine…well, I can hardly condemn you for your curiosity. A reasonable question warrants a fair answer, so I’ll give you this: Yasmine has a way of sucking people back into her world, like some kind of lethal sapphic whirlpool. Often against their better judgment, too. I haven’t the faintest idea why Samantha LaRusso didn’t kick her to the curb after the blowjob fiasco and all that shit with Aisha Robinson, and yet. Here we are. And Moon, well…she certainly has her reasons to put Yasmine in her orbit again, but I’m sure you can piece those together for yourself.
And me? I could say childish loyalty, but the truth is rarely that neat and pretty. I hang around because Yasmine isn’t just VIP access to the rumor mill—she is the rumor mill. If someone knows anything about anyone, it’s going to be her.
(Besides, Yas turned out to be right. That girl was a stuck-up bitch—wrote me off as some airhead to be yanked around. She thinks I’m a joke. But she won’t be laughing when I’m the editor-in-chief of the world’s most ruthless TMZ tabloid and I rip her a new one about cheating her way into a Nobel prize or whatever shady shit she’ll be up to then. Kacie—you know what you did. I’m coming for you, bitch.)
Well, Hawk, you’re on the right track. On the verge of Getting It, even. Because you’re correct—how the hell WOULD you know what Yasmine likes? Strange that Demetri would seek your advice when he’s got Sam and Moon, who happen to be two of Yasmine’s closest friends, in his corner. Either of them would be more than happy to provide girl gift counsel. And yet…he asks the martial-arts-loving coder who can’t tell a Louis Vuitton from a Coco Chanel (no offense) and whose idea of getting his girlfriend a gift is branding her name in his skin after dating 1 month so she’d feel bad if she dumped him (full offense for that one—because WHAT in the blazing scarlet red flag and blaring alarm bells was that???). Rumor has it Demetri is vying for the valedictorian spot, and anyone that smart would know better. Anyone that smart would not ask for girlfriend tips from a guy whose aesthetics and interests are the very antithesis of Yasmine and everything she stands for.
So why, then, was Demetri so determined to yap to you about the pricey gift he was buying his girlfriend? Well, Demetri is nothing if not paranoid. To him, every show of sensitivity, every slightly-more-expressive-than-acceptable gesture, every open display of emotion, and every non-manly interest is like wearing a big cardboard sign with COCK ENJOYER written in sharpie. To Demetri, everything about him gives him away.
And so he takes every opportunity to try and prove, in great, vivid detail, that he cannot be that which he fears everyone can spot. He goes on hours-long deep dives into the Bowels of Straight Man Reddit, absorbing every word of their coital exploits and altering details just enough for his sources to be untraceable. He makes a big show of obsessing over getting the perfect gift for his Hot Girlfriend from his Heterosexual Relationship, cementing his normality to you. He’s just like any other guy—overly concerned with gaining attractive women’s approval so he can rack up brownie points to get laid! Strange, isn’t it, how he hammers these points home to you when you’re hardly unconvinced of his ability to “land” a hot girl (however improbable it initially seemed)? What does it do for either of you for Demetri to demonstrate over and over that he is in fact dating ex-queen-bee Yasmine, and sharing every (alleged) fornicatory misadventure of their life together? I know you men love to brag, but Demetri is far too much a logician for that kind of machismo-flexing. Seems unscientific and extraneous to prove the same point over and over, no?
Unless… Well. Unless Demetri happens to be overcompensating for something.
Oh? Upset about Demetri keeping secrets from us, now are we? Ha! According to a number of MY sources (including your very own ex-girlfriend), you’ve hardly been transparent yourself, especially these last few years. You were awfully tight-lipped about how much being terrorized by your peers was affecting you when Demetri only ever viewed it as an inconvenience (at worst). Tight-lipped to the point where, when Demetri had some critique of the dojo you viewed as an escape from the hellscape that was your life (and might I add, you kept the severity of your unhappiness completely to yourself), you jumped him in the mall. Both times he quit Cobra Kai, you showed your anger through digs at his nerdiness and supposed weakness, never once touching on the real reason you were upset: You were hurt and betrayed by him leaving, and it felt like he was abandoning you. It felt like he was giving up on the vision of you two being a formidable powerhouse together. But no, we mustn’t show that kind of honest vulnerability and emotion in the badassery dojo, I suppose. So tell me, then, if you cannot take the risk of dissecting your own emotions and opening up to Demetri about the true reasons you lashed out (namely your attachment to him and fear of him abandoning you), then why the hell should Demetri risk putting himself in the equally-vulnerable position of opening up about his sexuality? Sure, you’ve gotten your act together now (so you say…), but your headfirst dive into the world of combat, hypermasculinity, and a general dudebro mindset does not inspire confidence that you’ll accept a coming-out with open-mindedness and grace. Demetri can’t know for sure if all that toxicity is truly gone, can he?
To answer your questions—yes and yes. He IS being that much of a pussy and forcing you boys to hang out with Discount Regina George for no good reason outside of his own insecurities. He has absolutely been faking this entire time for the sole purpose of squeezing himself into some cishet mold he thinks the lot of you + the rest of the school are imposing. And, really, given what you know about him, can you blame him for not wanting to call unwanted attention to himself?
Answer me honestly—have you ever met an openly gay guy at West Valley? No, not someone like Moon, who dabbles in lesbianism and is popular enough to do whatever she likes. I’m talking an exclusively boykisser guy out and living his best and happiest gay life, unconcerned with the heaps upon heaps of bullying such an identity would attract. Are we drawing a blank?
Demetri doesn’t JUST think his friends won’t accept his sexuality. He has no evidence anyone will. All he has to go off is Kyler’s stunt, getting the entire cafeteria guffawing about the possibility of him giving boys handjobs. And Demetri, as we know, is a man who runs his life based in scientific proof and what is most likely to be fact.
In Demetri’s feeble defense, though, I don’t think he has any actual reason to think Miguel doesn’t like Yasmine. Perhaps I’m not privy to it, but from what I’ve seen and heard, Miguel’s never been anything but congratulatory toward Demetri for “finally winning over” the girl he thinks Demetri’s been crushing on for years. I won’t discount that Miguel’s got a good heart, but his naïveté makes me wonder how he’s survived this long. He’s the sort of guy who takes everyone at their word, and if Demetri says he’s been pining for Yasmine since forever (even though next to no tangible evidence shows this, if you pay attention), then that is Miguel’s reality. As far as you’re concerned, well…any girl will do, as far as covering up his sexuality goes. Any arm candy to convince you he is totally into boobs and would never like dick!
Really, Demetri keeps Yasmine in particular around because she’s the easiest option for proving to you boys that he is Normal and Straight Like You. The fact that she’s using him means she’s actually pretty low-maintenance, as far as girlfriends go. No genuine emotional investment or actually learning how to please her required! If they were to break up, Demetri would have to find other girls to fake interest in to keep up the facade. And if one reciprocated interest and they started dating, he might have to, god forbid, dedicate time and energy into getting to know her and showing a basic interest in her life.
And I hate to break it to you, but I fear you’d still have to be around Yasmine even without her and Demetri’s bearding arrangement. You’re friends with Moon, and Miguel is dating Sam, both of whom have decided, for whatever reason, to forgive Yas for her Reign of Terror. It’s like I said—she has a way of sucking people back into her world. Demetri is far from the thing tethering her to your group. They break up on Friday, and the following Monday she’ll be back at your lunch table, sitting between Sam and Moon instead of putting on a show of sitting in Demetri’s lap. If you want her gone, take it up with Moon.
Signs? Signs? Oh, don’t make me laugh, Hawk. You mean like how Demetri memorized where you keep your spare house key? You mean like how, according to Sam, Demetri complained about the “rabid dog training technique” Johnny Lawrence used on you over a year ago? (Funny how these specific details about you stick in his head but he can’t tell you jack shit about Yasmine…) You mean like how he brushed off and instantly forgave several months of karate terrorizing and you trying to bulldoze every part of yourself that he was best friends with? You mean like how he was the only person who checked on you when you vanished from school and karate practice, encouraging you to get back into the sport that put a rift between yall in the first place? You mean like how he was basically your prom date before Yasmine felt the need to prove a point to her shitty homophobic dad and booked a ticket back home? You mean like how literally all of Valley Fest saw him get a boner when you kicked that board in half? You mean like how he basically forgot Yasmine’s existence for an entire summer to angst over you and your Evil Snake Dojo brainwashing? You mean like how the basement bum allergic to any and all “extra gym class for no reason” and “opportunities to pay people to hit you in the face” showed up to your dojo TWICE, solely at your behest? Solely to train with you, to make you happy, even if he hated every second of the activity itself? I could go on.
If you ask him if he has feelings for you, he’ll deny it six ways to Sunday, and then some. He certainly has when I’ve brought it up. But evasion won’t work on me. You can’t simply present me with a crock of lies and expect I won’t know any better. Let’s get one thing straight—I always uncover the facts, whether West Valley High likes it or not.
Of course, if you’re to be believed, it’s not as though you have any reason to concern yourself with Demetri’s sexuality. But, out of platonic best friend love, you might want to stop your boy from repressing himself so hard he ruins his own life. We leave him to his own devices, and he’ll end up married to some “safe option” woman he’ll grow to resent, with 2.5 kids in some Picket Fence Suburban Hell. And even with the financial resources provided by whatever tech mogul job he lands, divorce is a hassle.
But he’s worked so hard to seal every gap in his disguise (even if I can’t see how it fools anyone, let alone our entire moronic student body) that you’ve got your work cut out for you. Good luck. You’re going to need it.
For what it’s worth, I hope you knock some sense into him. We’re all tired of his bullshitting.
—XOXO Gossip Girlkisser 🧡🤍🩷
God this is gonna be a long response for your long ass question. You asked for it, get ready.
Ok, you’re annoying, but let’s clear something off right off the bat: I was NOT “sulking in the corner” at prom. I was just dateless and didn’t have anyone to dance with because every girl that wanted to dance with me was unappealing. Ok? Ok.
Second off, ok fine. I guess I could say I kinda get the whole going back to Yasmine thing. You’re desperate for gossip and drama. Good for you, putting yourself into that asshole’s orbit again and having to deal with her might be worth it to you…I guess…
Next point, if Demetri gets valedictorian over me (I haven’t checked my class rank in a while) I’ll be so pissed off. There’s no way in hell I kept over a 4.0 gpa while going full hawk just to have that fucker ruin it for me. Not the point. I know. But dem is book smart, seriously, not social or street smart. He asked me for advice because I’m the person closest to him. And that tattoo idea wasn’t exactly for her to feel bad for leaving, it’s to show devotion, fucktard.
Fine. I get what you’re saying, ok? I don’t know if I belive you per se, but I get it. If he did act overly in love to throw me and everyone else off his trail good for him. Doesn’t mean I’ll believe it. I’m a man of science, unless there’s proof then I won’t believe it and right now there’s no proof. Ok? Ok.
Oh, and this shit isn’t about me. This isn’t about my “issues” and lack of transparency. Demetri knows more than most do…more than even my mom does. He may not know everything, but he knows everything he can. I’m not going to spill my guts out to anyone. I have a court mandated therapist (after the school brawl years ago many of us do) for that shit and I’m working on shit, so drop it. I except dem to tell me something. I’m not asking for his whole inner workings, just his fucking sexuality. If he was gay I’d think he’d tell me because I tell him other shit. I’m leaving it at that. Also, I’m not asking dem to come out to the valley. I’m asking him to come out to ME. There’s a difference. We’ve hung out a lot in private, so yes, he should know how much I’ve changed. I don’t give a fuck who sees it and who doesn’t, but I know he knows it. So anything about people in the valley coming out is just a dumb argument because this isn’t about those in the valley, it’s about it us and that’s it.
Plus, yas would NOT be at my fucking lunch table if dem wasn’t dating her. Moon doesn’t sit with us most times. The most she’ll do is pass us by unless Yasmine is at our table. Sam might sit with us, but normally those two ditch her a lot. And yeah, Miguel is too sweet to tell that she annoys him, but it’s really fucking obvious. Even Tory’s made snide comments on it, so dem has to know. It’s so obvious. Seriously, Miguel rolls his eyes more times than I can count when she’s talking.
Finally, all that shit you said about dem is just because we’ve been best friends since literal kindergarten. Seriously, he’s used that spare key so much that my mom’s joked about just giving it to him. We’ve grown up together, of course he’s going to remember shit about me and worry about me. It’s not romantic. Seriously, you seem so keen on the fact that it is, but you should just except- as I’ve had to too- dem is just a weird straight guy. He cares for all of his friends, especially me because we’ve known each other over half of our lives. I have to accept this shit and even if it sucks I have to deal
