when i think of crowley in the end credits of s2 ep 6, i dont think of anger. no, i think the whole theme of this ending cut of crowley was his contempt for everything always being 'too late'. it was sorrow in the highest form, one that could only ever come from the truest of sorrows.
this is the grief that he thrice only truly felt in this magnitude. once at his fall, the second at the thought that aziraphale could have died and this, this was the third strike. what people have to understand is that each and every stroke of this painful symphony was orchestrated by his devotions and how its lost.
he had loved god and he had loved doing the wonders of her creation, but the thing is his love for aziraphale triumphs everything else. even at the love he had felt for the almighty at one point. because when all was lost to him, he had aziraphale. he was all crowley truly had that was constant, one that truly saw past all the intricacies that no one could accept.
and so truly, crowley decided that his world was aziraphale, everything was aziraphale.
aziraphale was his god, was his heaven, was his eden but aziraphale was also his satan, his hell and most all his fall. and each and every emotion underneath those dark glasses just echo the grief of understanding and knowing aziraphale, loving aziraphale, letting aziraphale go.
all of it is the loss of purpose again, losing direction, losing a path that was once paved. it was the loss of its the pain of knowing that he knows what aziraphale has a duty he has to put above the love they have. its the sorrow of knowing the knowledge that aziraphale felt the same as he does. its the grief of knowing that he could have said what he had said first, could have stirred aziraphale's mind long before that moment.
and the thing is, he abandons what is crowley to serve that devotion, and that love and that affection. but i want him to realize this season is that he needs to give himself space to consider that his world includes himself too, not just aziraphale. that crowley as a being who breathes should also mourn the thought that crowley does not know how to accept himself, envelop himself as worthy of purpose without aziraphale.
because, he chose the name anthony for himself as a human name. and anthony means 'praiseworthy one' or 'priceless one'. crowley needs to feel that he himself is worth the energy to be wanted, to be worthy of purpose. to be worthy of being given praise, to be deserving of being worth that effort to be loved. crowley needs to do that for HIMSELF first.
to be able to put that energy to love everything about him, before he could truly feel like he can love aziraphale completely. because if he's so consumed with aziraphale, there will be nothing left for crowley. and if there is nothing left for crowley, how can he give to aziraphale when they reunite? how can there be love if there is none truly reserved for one's self?
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