I've desided to write this down because the whole situation still hurts me.
Have you ever considered how long that awesome artist or writer you can't bring yourself to tell them you like their work will live? I think about it all the time…
I didn’t take up AWWF to become famous or gain followers. When I was 14, I had a mini‑stroke (bad blood vessels, stress, illness). Now, when the weather changes, my vision blurs, I can’t speak or write. I have aphasia. Something in my brain is messing with my mind, and there's a big chance one day I won't be able to put two words together. I scared the hell out of my girlfriend when she came to walk me home during one of my episodes. How much longer will I be able to write? I don’t know.
In October, my brother died of cancer, and I still can’t bring myself to work on the text I was writing for him, even though other people are reading it. He was my co‑author; we used to discuss worlds and characters, we wrote for each other. I’m so grateful to @selennes for writing with me — it really helps me keep my mind together. I’m also immensely grateful to @awardenandacrow and @jenn2d2.
So, when my favourite text‑based activity came to a standstill, I went to @hedwigoprah to ask when she’d be back. I got the answer: “I’m not feeling well, I can’t, but if you want, go ahead and do it.”
So I did, because it was important to me. And, by the way, I mentioned that I had her permission. Every single time. After that, @woudedsoul12 blocked me. Silently and suddenly — we seemed to be getting along pretty well. Farewell, Thursday bangers...
I asked Oprah to post that I was temporarily replacing her for the event. She said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” but didn’t bother to do something that was really quite simple.
I kept checking in with her, asking how she was, what her plans were. She told me she wanted to create a separate community for the event, and I offered to help…
Then she wrote that, you know, it hurts her to see AWWF in her feed — apparently, it reminds her that she couldn’t handle it… and she asked me to stop the event altogether. I said, “No problem, I get it, I understand you; just please post about it yourself.”
“Okay,” she said — and again, she didn’t do anything.
I tried to explain the situation myself, and all I got was a loud “ugh” (“I don’t care if people think you’re a thief; don’t post anything that proves the opposite!” kind of response) — and then I got blocked. And not just by Oprah.
I was blocked by @sorcerousadventurer — a person who at some point wrote, “I’m feeling so awful, say something nice to me,” and I did it right away, without hesitation.
By @serialsforbellara, with whom I had really nice conversations for a whole year. Silently, without any explanation.
By @davrinsleftpectoral, to whom I definitely didn’t do anything bad, and I have very warm feelings towards Turvi.
By @genjyoandgojyoandhakkai, with whom I also talked for a year. Likes, kudos, comments, collabs, mutual support, a big fat like under the post “Please don’t block me silently, I’m really worried.” And then a silent block, too. Ironic.
And some other... somebodies, whatever.
You know why? They created a community for AWWF (good for them, actually). All these people who just turned their backs and walked away, blocking me even in that group, in the event I was trying to save and that I genuinely loved.
Of course, I remember that on the internet, everyone is basically just a nobody to anyone else — just letters on a screen. The fact that they were real people to me is just my own painful quirk. I feel a bit betrayed and kinda insulted, maybe that's the reason I'm hesitating to share anything lately.
@awardenandacrow, @selennes, @serensama, @pixiedurango, @jenn2d2 — thank you for not giving up on me; it means a lot. I’ll keep writing for as long as I can. Even without events.
