beam me the fuck out of here, scotty

bisexual enby, loves food, sci-fi, video games, movies, and horror

[salmon-n-hazel]

Dandelions

My print shop: INPRNT

[dragongirlsweetie]

need everyone to know that spotify has this ai-generated "dark country" artist that's like 99% your bog-standard generic "whiskey 'n outlaws" yankwank but also inexplicably has a song titled "i got too high and forgot the safe word" which is about getting so high that you forget the safe word

[dnicriteria]

there r so many emojis i always stumble across something like 🗜 and i think who the HELL would ever use this emoji. and then i think abt some guy who probably works w those things all the time n hes so happy he can use this emoji. and im happy for him

[respect-snails]

My dad has started using them regularly in conversations to make the underrepresented emojis feel included, which is very cute in theory, but it means I get texts like:

Anyways this is the only correct way to use emojis have a very 🪔 day

[jatersade]

reminds me of this interaction I had with my parents

they were in the same room and apparently when they got my explanation text my dad threw his phone down and said “how the FUCK does she expect me to know that”

[sluttynurse]

[couthbbg]

can't today. busy.

[crown-princess-carrion]

as a princess it is nice that all i have to do to get out of whatever boring meeting is just insist that i’m too warm, stand conspicuously near a window, and wait to catch the eye of any passing dragon. it works every time and sometimes the knights can even recover my dress too 👍

[crown-princess-carrion]

most kidnappable princess alive: i would do ANYTHING to get out of this arranged marriage

the dragon 200 feet above her:

[8akesale]

as a knight commander of the garrison it is

[verminfang]

Thinking about a vampire dude bro who won't drink girl blood- because he's afraid it will estroginise him soy products style- getting trapped in a mental cage when he learns vampire dude who only bites other dudes reads as gay

[orcarriagesthatwork]

I think about this cake every day

[tizzymcwizzy]

sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious

[microsuedemouse]

OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:

When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.

The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?

This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.

I love a botched cake.

[helenarth]

one time me and some pals spotted one of those big cookie cakes in a store. it was done up with red icing and little X's for kisses and in the middle it said

No One Like You

now, it took us a while to realise it meant "(there is) no one like you". at first, we all parsed it as a botched "no one like(s) you"

for ages after when we'd wind each other up we'd declare "NO ONE LIKE YOU ☹️👎"

[itseasytoremember]

I just feel like it's important to post the Sacred Texts

[shofarsogood]

[ekjohnston]

The Cake Wrecks blog is one that I miss.

[orcarriagesthatwork]

I think about this cake every day

[tizzymcwizzy]

sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious

[microsuedemouse]

OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:

When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.

The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?

This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.

I love a botched cake.

[helenarth]

one time me and some pals spotted one of those big cookie cakes in a store. it was done up with red icing and little X's for kisses and in the middle it said

No One Like You

now, it took us a while to realise it meant "(there is) no one like you". at first, we all parsed it as a botched "no one like(s) you"

for ages after when we'd wind each other up we'd declare "NO ONE LIKE YOU ☹️👎"

[itseasytoremember]

I just feel like it's important to post the Sacred Texts

[shofarsogood]

[ekjohnston]

The Cake Wrecks blog is one that I miss.

[not100bees]

I know that Ea-nasir is like a meme these days but it is wild that we have complaint letters from 1750 BC. That's over three thousand years before the release of Belgian techno anthem "Pump Up the Jam".

[dasloddl]

op disabled reblogs but I think the point still stands

[d3zmondzsillyblog]

let's serve cunt with mama

[inviernodel95]

[wheeloffortune-design]

my publisher: Good morning! Huh did you advertise for the pre-sale yesterday? Because we launched twelve hours ago and we already made sales!

me: yeah, i posted on tumblr

publisher: .........tumblr?

me: that's where the gays are.

(link to Mrs. Victoria buys a brothel, a sapphic western)

[wheeloffortune-design]

update

publisher: And what is your marketing strategy on... tumblr?

me: idk, i shitpost at 2am?

publisher: .....and it works?

me: depends on what the gays find funny at that point in time.

publisher: Could I have a link to your tumblr?

me: .......absolutely not.

(link to Mrs. Victoria buys a brothel, a sapphic western where 50 year old women kiss and murder)

[mysharona1987]

[greenapplegirl90]

Autumn Hill Speaks from Jail After Being Sentenced to 50 Years and Labeled an ‘Antifa Terrorist’ by the White House [WATCH]

In her first video interview from Johnson County Jail, Hill says she is a “political prisoner” who has been unjustly locked up by the Trump

[eastern-bloc-party]

“My basic assumption was, you know, the judge had obviously made his mind up about our guilt before the trial even began, and so it didn’t take me by surprise at all when I actually was sentenced to 50 years in the Bureau of Prisons. I knew, like, this is about making an example, this is about creating a narrative that, you know, anyone who resists the Trump administration’s agenda of mass deportation, is going to be made an example of, is gonna be treated this way, that if you stand up, if you speak out, we will bury you. I knew that that was what this was about the entire time that we were going to trial, and it was why I said from the very beginning, “I’m not gonna plea to anything.” You know, like they offered us plea deals, you know, we could have signed to 15 years for material support for terrorism. And I took the risk that I took of, you know, going to trial because I was like, I’m not going to create evidence of this non-existent terrorist conspiracy. That goes against everything I believe in.” — Autumn Hill

[obfuscatingintelligence]

if you set off a rube goldberg type death trap to kill someone, if it's a long enough machine, it ceases to become your fault if somebody dies at the end. that's how I've gotten away with it all these years, and why I'm still going to heaven.

[viviantimmet]

(via @yellowocaballero)

[draconym]

[draconym]

great work everyone hit the bathhouse