what the scallop

hi, i'm ender, i write (mainly) and do art (sometimes)!・19・mcyt (life series, hermitcraft, powcreations) enjoyer・writing tag is #enderwails, art tag is #enderinks, analysis/rambling tag is #enderwhat

[enderwoah]

WRITING COMMISSIONS!!

It’s been a long time coming and rather heavily requested, so I finally (finally!) took the time to open up a Kofi and throw my hat into the ring of writing commissions.

If you don’t know me, hi! I’m Ender. I’m a fanfiction (mostly oneshots) writer for the MCYT community, primarily focused on content regarding the Life Series/Hermitcraft/Empires members. Some of my best works (as deemed by readers) include:

this limited life bad boys oneshot (hurt/comfort, jimmy + grian-centric, 4.2k)

this DSMP crimeboys oneshot (hurt/comfort, tommy-centric, 3k)

this empires s2/hermitcraft s9 ranchers oneshot (hurt/comfort, jimmy + tango-centric, 17k)

this fae AU mumbo-centric fic (mumbo-centric, 25k, 4 chapters, incomplete but now updating again)

…along with my longest and most popular fic, to write is human (c!tommy goes to hermitcraft, tommy + grian-centric, 125.5k, 22 chapters, incomplete).

If any of that stuff interests you, maybe check out my commissions! As I am an MCYT blog, all commissions will be MCYT for the foreseeable future. :D

SERVERS I WILL WRITE FOR:

Life Series (3rd Life, Last Life, Double Life, Limited Life, Secret Life, Real Life)

Jimmy and Grian focused works are my strong suit, but I can do just about anything when it comes to AUs.

Hermitcraft (Seasons 8, 9, 10)

Grian focused works are my strong suit, along with s10!Joel.

Dream SMP

Tommy, Tubbo, Ranboo, c!Wilbur, Techno, and Philza focused works are my strong suit.

QSMP (events/characters up until the end of the first Purgatory event)

Outsiders SMP (c!Owen focused)

Empires SMP S1 (e!Scott focused)

Empires SMP S2 (e!Scott, e!Jimmy, e!Pix, e!Shubble focused)

This list is subject to updates! New servers come out all the time, and some might fall out of favour. I'm also willing to write about any characters not listed, just ask!!

WHAT I WILL WRITE:

Platonic relationships

Familial relationships

Canon divergence (“This person dies instead of this person,” “this event doesn’t happen,” etc)

AUs (modern, college, coffee shop, mermaids, fantasy, etc)

Fluff

Hurt/Comfort

Angst

Whump

Horror (I’ll try my best o7)

WHAT I WON’T WRITE:

NSFW ANYTHING

Detailed gore

Torture

Romance (sorry, not yet)

Anything that I deem uncomfortable in the moment!! I reserve the right to refuse a commission if I so please.

PRICES:

1k Words or Less - $10

1k - 2k Words - $20

2k - 3k Words - $25

3k - 4k Words - $30

4k - 5k Words - $35

I’m capping it out at 5k for my own sake. It might increase once I have more consistent writing habits, but, for now, that is the absolute limit. If I end up going over the words you commissioned, I will not charge more (because that would be unfair). I’m also only having five slots open at a time so I can actually complete things in a timely fashion.

Payments must be made directly through Kofi! When requesting, please give as specific of a description as you need for the fic. If you just want something set in an AU or something general (“ranchers domestic fluff,” “monoduo bonding,” “Bolas Rojas fantasy AU,” etc), that’s perfectly fine, but expect it to take longer since I’ve got to come up with the idea from scratch!

Given that I am in college, it may take a while for your commission to be completed. If a month has passed and your commission isn’t at least 2/3rds of the way done, you’ll receive a full refund.

And here's the link (again)! Thank you for supporting me! :D

[enderwoah]

posted at the behest of @dykevotions

[towerlesskey]

I've seen so many "who is Jacksepticeye and why is he on tumblr" and "Jack has a tumblr" posts that I think you should qualify for a senior discount if you remember when he was originally on tumblr

[oidingus]

Okay so i listened to suggestions about Jayce being unhappy with the inflicting pain bit but being unable to say no!

[wishuponastarion]

"oh sorry, i guess i was infodumping again" - sad, shy, apologetic

"you sly dog, you got me monologuing" - cool, strong, confident

[grapefruiters]

i love when a song is an acquired taste. you can listen to something once and go huh. there's something here even if im not quite ready for it yet. and you listen a couple more times. and then bam a couple weeks or months or years later you listen, youve finally worn the song in and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever heard

[slightly-gay-pogohammer]

hear me out wheel

step 1: spin the wheel step 2:

answer this one

smash

pass

too conveniently hot, doesnt count for a hear me out

what the fuck is your problem

Voting ended onJan 27, 2025

i left out a LOT of characters i found way too conveniently attractive on this one. have fun

[partlysmith]

smash

[alkemylabz]

"writing about fucked up things doesnt indicate your values as a person" and "the way you write about things may indicate some of your values" are not conflicting statements if im going to be real

[bananatwinky]

I've waited years to draw this

[beardedmrbean]

[captainbee66]

I miss the era of the internet where everyone had an evil alter ego/character that would show up on their channel, just to be silly, that eventually got a lot of lore from the fandom for no reason. It was a simpler time.

[therealjacksepticeye]

Starting up a new channel with my alter ego “Sploinky McDoinky”

[m0uthbr3ather]

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

[skwinky]

I always need this on my blog.

[ampervadasz]

[the-tree-line]

we could go back to telegraphs instead of social media. send your mutuals unspeakable strings of morse code at 4:30am

[the-tree-line]

.- …. …. …. …. …. / ..-. . .-.. .-.. / -.. --- .-- -. / .- -. -.. / -… .-. --- -.- . / -- -.-- / .--. . -. .. - … / - --- -.. .- -.-- / -.-- . --- .-- -.-. …. / --- ..- -.-. …. / -.-- --- ..- -.-. …. -.-.-- -.-.-- -.-.-- -.-.-- / … . -. - / ..-. .-. --- -- / -- -.-- / - . .-.. . --. .-. .- .--. ….

[kaijutegu]

personally i prefer semaphore

[iridescent-lightning]

so prefacing this with the fact that I know that the fun is sorta taken out of this by me translating, but not everyone will have the energy to look it up themselves, so I figured I'd help out.

Morse code: AEEEEE FELL DOWN AND TROKE MY PENIT TODAY YEOWCE OUCH YOUCH!!!! SENT FROM MY TELEGRAPH

Semaphore: NO NOT YOUR PENITS

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Oh my God dreams been watching bads stream this whole time and I just now noticed but the comments bads been making make so much more sense now, he definitely noticed

Pointing out that he wants to go talk to Phil when he hasn't actively sought him out this whole time, talking about how much he loves Phil Kristin tubbo and foolish, how everyone needs a bald friend (fit, jack manifold), saying therapy would be great rn, talking about how "lifes too short to be getting into fights online", talking about how much he loves skeppy and how he wants to build a GIANT skeppy statue. he's so messy. he's the messiest bitch ever badboyhalo I love you

[kalichnikov]

i wanna talk about this shot

[kalichnikov]

if forum signatures still existed this would be mine

[un-javi]

[karvina]

[teslaswife]

[shitposting-hobbits-to-gallifrey]

God fucking damn it

[bored-dromaeosaur]

[birdnt]

if dsmp characters swapped their canonical chats for a day. that’s it.

“canon chat swap”

[trafficshippingtournament]

ROUND 1 | MATCH 1

2 Trafficlr Ships, Which one do you like more?

Grian / Scar

Jimmy / Tango

Voting ended onJan 25, 2025