Epilogistical

Presently inactive. Subject to change.

[traincat]

I love the gifset you reblogged with Pete and Gwen! I was just wondering what was wrong(?) with the Homecoming review you mentioned in your tags? What are your thoughts on Homecoming? :) Anyways love your blog and your writing! Have a great day!

Thank you! So I have somewhat unsuccessfully attempted not to be Really Negative about Homecoming, except on twitter where I’ve clearly given up altogether, but heads up: I’m about to be pretty negative because I care way too much about Peter Parker. My opinions are my own, etc. Right off the bat: I actually do think Spider-Man: Homecoming is going to be a fun summer movie. It’s probably well-written and engaging! It looks like a good movie about a teenage superhero coming into his own and I’m excited about the diverse cast. 

It also, in my own opinion, looks like a terrible movie about Peter Parker.

There was nothing wrong with the review (it was in USA Today) so much as that literally everything it described made me, a person who loves Peter Parker, cringe. Full disclaimer that I haven’t seen Homecoming yet and it’s plausible I might like it in the end! I won’t, but it’s plausible! So everything I’m talking about is based on interviews with the cast and creators/trailers and released scenes/etc. 

But I’ve got so much beef with this movie I practically own a cattle ranch. 

I’m just going to try to hit my main complaints: Ned Leeds, or, This Should Have Been a Miles Morales Movie, Peter as a New Yorker, Peter Parker vs Spider-Man: A Fake Argument, and Why We Actually Do Need To Know How Ben Died, Thanks. “Traincat, how much have you thought about this?” I don’t want to talk about it! Except I do, under the cut:

Keep reading

[epilogistic]

I’d been keeping myself kinda unspoiled for this one, but... apparently this is just the year that Marvel makes me hate as many branches/properties as possible. Goddammit. Goddammit. Two years ago I wrote this big ramble about why I was so excited by a reboot despite the previous versions, and it’s like they looked at everything I said I still wanted and went, “Let’s go for none of that.”

And it’s so confusing because Civil War Peter had all of those elements ready to play. What the hell.

[k-atnight]

practical cap redesign

[epilogistic]

I for one think this makes a lot of sense. It'll allow him full freedom of movement to use that Olympic-level flexibility the serum gave him, the cut-out star can be extremely effective at distracting enemies, and of course it displays his confidence in his body and sexuality, which is proven CANON because of Nomad. I don’t understand why anyone would oppose it, really. 

[suprchnk-archive-deactivated202]

name one of the worst movies you’ve ever seen

[suprchnk-archive-deactivated202]

i’ll start with colombiana

[tsunamiwavesurfing]

xxx: state of the union

[thighetician]

Ultraviolet.

[scootsenshi]

Dark Water

[thetallblacknerd]

Dragon Ball Evolution

[theomegaphoenix]

Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl

[towritelesbiansonherarms]

Only god forgives 

[shadesoforlando-deactivated2016]

X-Men: The Last Stand

[bakulamom]

Blues Brothers 2000

[stegozavr]

meet the spartans

[bumbleshark]

troll 2

[buzzfeedau]

aeon flux

[perzadook]

Highlander 2: The Quickening

[laughterkey]

Save the Last Dance 2

[sophielostandfound]

the league of extraordinary gentlemen

[pluckyredhead]

White Wolves

[epilogistic]

BloodRayne

[epilogistic]

Marvel: [Does a stupid thing with Captain America] Cap Fans: OMFG THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT MARVEL JESUS CHRIST WHY COULD YOU THINK THIS WAS GOOD.  Spidey Fans: Oh. You're here.

[darkandstormyranger]

They forgot to put this scene after subtitles. Fixed it.

Has this been already done yet?

[epilogistic]

I’m not going to definitively say this is the best reaction to this movie I’ve seen yet.

But it’s up there.

[flange5]

Steve, your decorating aesthetic is … something. 

Captain America vol 1, #318 (1986)

[epilogistic]

Since he’s doing this while wearing the costume, I’m torn between “it’s an attempt to create one single room where he actually blends in” and “it’s a very elaborate form of narcissism, or perhaps of putting up family portraits.”

I mean it’s early Steve. Obviously it’s neither of those.

But what if it were.

(Or possibly he’s just conquering rooms through the cunning use of flags.)

[odditycollector]

Today’s moral:

if there is a weird noise that sounds kinda like a fire, even if that wouldn’t really make any sense in context, put at least 25% effort into finding the source of the noise

just in case

it is

a fire

[epilogistic]

Three weeks ago I learned the very important moral that if your hair is longer than shoulder-length and the kitchen light is on the fritz, absolutely do not try to use a candle outside a holder to peer in the tupperware cabinet for a lid. I also learned that hair burns fast but is easily slapped out.

May is Fire Safety Education Month ‘round these parts, clearly. 

[epilogistic]

Zemo: Pop

Bucky: ???

Zemo: Six

Bucky: ...no.

Zemo: Squish

Bucky: No.

Zemo: Uh-uh

Bucky: NO.

Zemo: Cicero

Bucky: NO!!!

Zemo: Lipschitz

Bucky [voiceover]: Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.

[traincat]

Okay I have literally no idea when I’ll have the time to write this (and I’d need to dig up a handful of various Spider-Titles first) but I keep thinking about it so:

There’s 90s Spider-Man plot where a multimillion dollar bounty is placed on Spider-Man’s head. Peter, being Peter, does not do the sensible thing and lie low for a while – no, he keeps swinging around, sighing every time a civilian tries to capture him because he is now worth millions of sweet cash dollars. Mary Jane finally gets fed up with Peter promising he’s not going to swing around in spandex and then immediately swinging around in spandex and comes up with a solution: a new costumed identity. Except they go way too hard and end up with four. Four separate new secret identities. All at the same time. The Hornet, Dusk, Prodigy, and Ricochet’s thigh high boots.

Where am I going with this? Four identities, plus Spider-Man and Peter Parker, – that’s potential for six-way Spideytorch identity porn.

[epilogistic]

WHAT DO I HAVE TO PAY YOU.

[epilogistic]

Two more screenshots from the Department of Sebastian Stan Making Hilarious Faces During Captain America: Civil War. It’s a very busy department these past few weeks.

[augustheart]

You know what? Fuck it. Everyone who reblogs this by… Hmm… June 6th gets a hand-drawn dragon head based off of what I think of you.just by looking at your blog.

[shen-gaoren]

I can feel the regret just by looking at the amount of notes.

[the-guanzorumu-empress-blog]

Oh…aren’t you fucked

[augustheart]

yes… yes i am…

[epilogistic]

Take a page from video games: palette swaps. Lots and lots of palette swaps. Still technically hand-drawn! You never said anything about hand-colored!

[epilogistic]

This is driving me nuts, MCU Fandom. The actual quote is:

"Did you know?"

"I didn't know it was him."

"Don't bullshit me, Rogers. Did you know?"

"Yes."

(I can't believe that "shoot me" has gotten so much traction.)

[epilogistic]

Also

I’ve been shipping Peter/Tony since like 2005. Why is it the thing that gets others onboard the one where Peter’s literally 15? What Monkey’s Paw did I wish on?

Maybe there will be aged-up fics.

(I still vote Starker as a pairing name. Or Starkers.)

[mysticprima]

Me too! I just hope Civil War doesn’t taint the pairing as that is the least likely Universe I would ship them in for that very reason. But I’m all up for age up fics or canon set in the future. I love “starkers” as a shipper name.

[epilogistic]

Now the problem is, I have like zero influence in the world and am unlikely to get this thing to take off. 

I’m sort of very miffed at Sony on this one. I’m a live-and-let live for, like 99% of things out there, so as long as the people shipping this wee!Peter are tagging for it that’s fine, chase your rainbow. But dammit Sony, if you’d just come to your senses earlier we could have had it all. And I even think Garfield was good as an (older; older than he was even supposed to be) Peter, it’s just so much of the rest of those movies was, to put it delicately, crap. Soooooony. Sony my unhappiness right now is your fault.

(On the bright side, if they stick to their usual approximately-real-time progression, he’ll be legal for Infinite Wars 2.)

[epilogistic]

My Newest Automatic Backbutton for MCU Fic:

Having the characters think of/refer to what they just went through as “the war” or “the civil war” in anything other than a very obviously metaphorical sense.

No. Bad writer. No biscuit.

[epilogistic]

That feeling when you finally get a friend to watch Allo Allo and they spend the next several days just quoting lines at you as they happen.

[theverge]

Is it time to reconsider the keyboard pants?

[teapotsahoy]

Betteridge’s law of headlines

[odditycollector]

omg Betty, you know those laptop keyboards right, the ones with the clit nub in the middle, you know the

help i can’t do this i’m dying

[epilogistic]

But think of all the people saved from the need to write one-handed!

[super-hero-confessions]

[epilogistic]

I am laughing my ass off at this. What do you think comics fandom was doing when the original Civil War run came out. Oh yeah. We made the jokes about the “custody battle for Peter” or “Man, bringing a third party into your relationship really does just fuck it up.” I mean, canon was giving us this:

We weren’t really having to stretch to make threesome cracks.

Like, Superfamily bugs me. In my experience it tends to make a disaster of Peter’s character and power-set. But dude, the MCU fandom did not invent that joke, and let me tell you how happy, blissfully gloriously happy, I would have been if back in the day it actually had been producing fanfic.