Tumbling Esther

Cats, Fandom, Humor, and random stuff

[grav3yardgirl]

MUST BE SUBSCRIBED TO ENTER! :D www.youtube.com/grav3yardgirl www.youtube.com/bananapeppers

WATCH THIS VIDEO TO SEE RULES/PRIZES! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRWA5HbNebk

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[estherbrayton]

Truth

[doggykittyeverywhere]

[estherbrayton]

Introspective Approach on my Stages of Grief

We all experience grief for different reasons and in different ways. A lot of times we associate grief with death but in my case, my most recent bought of grief has been regarding a failed relationship. People who are closest to me know that I’ve been “going through it” for the past few months. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and that can be quite exhausting at times. But I wasn’t going to pretend that I was ok. I refused to not feel. The following is some background information and then an introspection. Sometimes it makes me feel better to be able to name what it is I’m feeling or going through instead of leaving it as abstract. I’m sharing this just to get out my thoughts and to maybe help others gain understanding of themselves. 

I had been hanging out with a friend for about a year. We would spend hours at a time together. Our first outing was 6hrs. We kept wanting to do more together. After a few weeks, he told me he didn’t see us going anywhere beyond friendship. That bummed me out but I accepted it. There were periods of time where we didn’t hang out for a bit. This Spring and Summer we were hanging out often...watching certain shows together every week,game nights,hiking, I felt like I could be myself completely when I was around him. I didn’t feel awkward or weird. Something seemed to be progressing. At least that’s what I had thought. On July 4th, after a fun evening of friends,swimming, fireworks, and of course booze...I texted him. The alcohol had made me bold and I went to his place.(obviously, this isn’t an endorsement for this kind of behavior and it was a bad idea for a few different reasons.)He made the first move. We continued to hang out for the next couple weeks and there was a sober repeat of the events that transpired on the 4th. More long hours together. I thought “Wow, it’s finally happening!”. Then started blowing me off to pursue a new hobby. It’s one thing to play second fiddle to a person but to a thing? It’s frustrating. I confronted him about it and after a brief discussion, he said that what happened between us was a mistake. I haven’t spoken to him since and he hasn’t tried to reach out to me. 

Which brings us to the subject of this discussion: my personal experience with grief. As a refresher, the 5 Stages of Grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance in that order, at least according to the theory. I think that I briefly experience denial. I thought that he did like me and was just psyching himself out. It didn’t make sense to me that he’d wait this long to tell me it was a mistake. Soon after, I skipped over Anger and Bargaining and went straight to Depression. The Depression lasted about three months. I thought about it every single day and it hurt just as much as it did when it first happened. I felt pathetic for feeling that way. I didn’t get a chance to love him...not yet. I wanted to. I was ready to. I wanted to let go of that terrible feeling but I couldn’t. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. After all, I’d been burnt a LOT of times in the past. Here I was being rejected for the umpteen time. A couple nights ago, whiskey told me it was time for Bargaining. I attempted a “Say Anything” boombox scene with my Bluetooth speaker. In retrospect, it was insane and clearly wasn’t going to work but I felt like I HAD to do something. All I had been doing was feeling Depressed. Well, my Bargaining clearly failed. I awoke the next day actually feeling better about the situation. It felt so strange. That deep pain inside of my soul had subsided a bit. Today, I’m starting to feel more of the Anger because the Bargaining didn’t work, goddammit!  But what was I expecting? Who is actually receptive to someone blasting Peter Gabriel at 3am? A heartless person, that’s who! Or maybe someone who doesn’t feel anything for me and just wants to be left alone. So I’m in a sort of Anger/Acceptance hybrid stage now. I know that I’ll never have him and that we’ll never see each other again. It’s ok. I can’t continue to pine after someone who wants nothing to do with me. 

As you can see, my Stages didn’t really follow the “right” order. I think that because I’m an extremely sensitive person who has been hurt a lot, my first instinct is to feel Depression. It doesn’t help that I also suffer from regular ol’ Depression and Anxiety. I had never really thought of myself as going through the Stages of Grief until today. I began checking them off in my head. They’re all there, just not in the typical way. I thought I’d never get out of the Depression stage because it took me so damn long to get out of it. But just like there’s no set order, there’s no set time frame either. We all deal with things differently and we need to be patient with ourselves. It’s easier said than done when you’re in that situation. I’m still thinking about it a lot but I feel differently and that’s what’s important. 

[jettestblack-deactivated2017080]

This is it. The video I’ve been waiting for

[mrs-s0l0d0l0-deactivated2022102]

💀💀💀💀

[kushandwizdom]

The Indian video is perfection.. Absolute perfection

[estherbrayton]

I am so lost...this is what happens when you don’t get on Tumblr for months at a time. 

[classyhustleronline-deactivated]

[estherbrayton]

Nature af

[losing-every-extra-pound]

Sexy Arms in 6 Weeks If you’re just starting out, aim for two sets of 8 to 12 reps of the heaviest weight you can handle for each exercise. Looking for more of a challenge? Shoot for two sets of 15 to 25 reps per exercise.

Bent-Over Row Step I Primary muscles worked: lats, back extensors, rhomboids, rear shoulders, biceps, core. Stand with a slight bend at the knees, holding the weights at your sides. Lean over, extending your chest while reaching your hips back. Allow your arms to hang straight down toward the floor with your palms facing your thighs.

Bent-Over Row Step II   Looking forward at the ground (not up), pull your elbows up and rotate your hands until your palms are nearly touching your upper rib cage and your elbows point toward the ceiling. Lower the weights to the starting position with control. Repeat. tip: Keep your belly button pulled in toward your spine to engage your core and protect your lower back.

Upright Row Step I Primary muscles worked: shoulders, upper back, biceps. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart with the weights hanging down in front of your body, their ends touching. Upright Row Step II Raise your upper arms, leading with your elbows while bringing the weights up the front of your body as if you were tracing an imaginary midpoint, stopping when your elbows become level with your shoulders. Lower the weights back to the starting position. tip: Keep your chin up and your belly button tucked in.

Chest Press on Ball Step I Primary muscles worked: chest, front of shoulders, triceps. Sit on a ball and walk out so that your head and shoulder blades are resting on the ball. Lift your hips by contracting your glute muscles to make a bridge. (Your feet should be shoulder-width apart and below your knees to give you stable support.) Chest Press on Ball Step II  Bring the dumbbells to your shoulders. Then extend your arms over your chest and bring the dumbbells together to make a triangle over your chest. Lower the weights back to the starting position and repeat.  tip: You will need to engage your core throughout the exercise to avoid falling off the ball. Overhead Press on Ball Step I Primary muscles worked: shoulders, upper back, triceps. Sit on an exercise ball with your belly button pulled toward the spine. Hold the weights in front of your shoulders, your palms facing in. Overhead Press on Ball Step II Push the weights up until your arms are extended. When your arms are extended, they should be slightly in front of you rather than directly overhead. Lower the weights to the starting position and repeat. tip: Keep your chin lifted slightly and your core stable. from this website

[estherbrayton]

What I pretend I’m doing when I’m actually just doing old lady arm exercises. 

[estherbrayton]

I needed to hear this

[estherbrayton]

Love him lol

[estherbrayton]

My life

[dresstby]

[estherbrayton]

Walk Diary 3/5/15

I decided to start keeping a list of highlights of sights,sounds, smells,discoveries, feelings, thoughts..etc on my walks. I recently got a Fitbit as an investment in my health. My job is pretty active but I have to make up for it on days that I don't work. Here is day one.

4:09pm

Cold

Mist

Rushing Water

Quartz

Cut Holly

Old Friend

Dog

Loneliness

Sniffles

Smoke

Dryer Scent

Train Whistle 

Scent of Dead Worms

Weary Discouragement 

Gray

Ache

Burn

Goal!

Home

5:15pm

487cal, 

6,803 Steps

208lbs

[antoniosvivaldi]

[estherbrayton]

Harry Potter Funny Book Titles: coming soon!

Text credit: (x)

[ultrafacts]

She drank hard liquor, smoked cigars, carried a 10 gauge shotgun and a .38 Smith & Wesson, gambled, fought duels, punched out men as an old woman, and received special permission from the mayor of Cascade to be served in any bar. She broke barriers of race, gender, and age during her time, and let no one stop her.

(Fact Sources:1 2) Follow Ultrafacts for more facts

[thishartominefeelz]

Role model

[estherbrayton]

Respect

[estherbrayton]

A wee bit of schadenfreude for ya. 

[eteru]

all she need is her tail

[indirispeaks]

oh mah gawd why

[estherbrayton]

Nothing in my life has prepared me for this

[i-wanna-talk-to-samson-deactiva]