When something happens at work, am I supposed to be submissive when getting yelled at? Or am I supposed to apologize because I didn't "think" to do something? Or should I stand up for myself? I'm confused about this
First of all, you shouldn’t be getting yelled at. Any professional setting shouldn’t tolerate that kind of ridiculous behavior, but I know it happens, especially in high pressure positions or service industry. Been there, done that, got the grease-stained tshirt. But there can be a couple answers to this.
If you’re getting yelled at because you did something wrong:
If you really fucked up, you should apologize without blaming it on someone else. Don’t just leave it at that though, tell your manager/supervisor how you intend to fix the issue, and how you intend to avoid it in the future. This is a multi-step process. Don’t skip steps. Come prepared, do your homework if you have the time. If you don’t have the time, follow up afterwards with an email, meeting, or just a casual conversation. Note: After you’ve made amends and told them your plan for improvement, drop it. Do not keep reminding them of your fuck up.
If someone else really fucked up and you’re getting the heat for it, you have to find a tactful way of approaching it so that it doesn’t sound like you’re just pointing fingers. I was recently (briefly) blamed for something going wrong with a reporting cycle at work, but I knew that if I just started saying “it wasn’t me! it was this person!”, I wouldn’t be taken seriously. So I had to quickly craft a response that was along the lines of “While this wasn’t part of the task/project I was responsible for/assigned, I’d be more than glad to help find a solution for this, and I already have a few ideas on how to prevent it next time.”
If you’re getting yelled at but you didn’t do anything wrong:
It’s always unwise to immediately get on the defensive and start yelling back. I’m not saying by any means that you have to just roll over and take it, but recognize that sometimes people are angry and you’re getting the unfortunate byproduct of that. You have a couple options here.
Wait it out. Apologize that they’re feeling so frustrated/angry– Don’t admit guilt, because then they’ll say you admitted to fucking up. Ex: “I understand this process wasn’t completed correctly and the customer suffered. I’ll do everything I can to ensure it doesn’t happen again.”
Coolly, calmly, politely refute their claims. Note: You need solid evidence for this. You’ll get yourself in hotter water if you just start referencing conversations you can’t prove. Make sure they’re conversations someone else can corroborate, or you have an email chain, or you know you weren’t even assigned that task/on that project/in the office. Second note: It is absolutely essential that you maintain your composure. Being argumentative will typically just get everyone riled up and then things can go south in a hurry. If you can’t refute their claims without getting emotional, stick to option 1 and refute their claims in an email when you’ve had time to collect your thoughts and cool off.
If you’re getting yelled at regularly because your boss can’t cope with stress:
You have a shit boss. Start looking for a new position.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of companies/industries where behavior like this falls through the cracks and makes for a hostile work environment. It’s worth considering a discussion with your boss/supervisor/coworker when they’re calm. Explain that you’ve been noticing that they seem to be unhappy with your performance, and ask for solid, actionable things you can do to improve. Note: This doesn’t mean “just do better” because that’s not measurable and it’s not actionable. Push (politely!) for responses like “you should be sweeping the floor after you come back from your break” or “the math in your reports is consistently wrong and you need to send it to someone to proofread before you send it to the customer”.
If you’re noticing that other people in your role are experiencing the same thing, it might be worth a trip to human resources, if your job has that resource available.
If you’ve had a chat with the person and gone to human resources and the issue still isn’t resolved, seriously, time for a new position. Wait it out as long as you can until you find something else, then give your two week’s notice.
All this being said, I know that there are managers or coworkers who will just function like this. Sometimes people will pick fights because they think it gets the creative juices flowing, or they want to keep everyone on their toes and establish dominance, or they think it hones everyone’s stress response. While I halfway see the logic sometimes, I know it’s not conducive to everyone’s learning style, mine included.
The most important thing I would say is keep your attitude in check. For me, it’s hard to keep my emotions in check when someone is angry enough to yell at me. But you have to try to not cry or scream or yell. Do not curse at them. Don’t roll your eyes or sigh heavily. They aren’t being respectful, that’s a given, but don’t follow suit. As hard as it is, try your best to maintain your professionalism. You’re going to encounter difficult situations in your career, and you don’t want to be known as a loose cannon.
Anon, if you want to come off anonymous and give me some more details about what’s going on with your job, I’d be more than happy to talk through it in more detail with you.
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