Hi, there 👋 I'm back after a huge hiatus. In the meantime - what, two years? 😱 - things have changed a lot. They've gotten a lot better, then less than good, then things have started crumbling down. Then I started eating my feelings, then COVID happen.
The good thing about the new situation is that I have swallowed my pride and my prejudice (no pun intended) and in December, when I noticed the first weight gain and general foul mood, I started seeing a therapist. Turns out that I reeeeally needed to see one. I have been bottling up my feelings for so long that every time I start talking about them now it's like popping a bottle of champagne 🍾 Half of them spill out by themselves and I usually get wet (with tears) in the process. Also, a big part of what I talk about is coping with my father's alcoholism so the metaphor stands. Plus half a dozen other issues that I never realized I had been facing. What a blast 🙄
It is not an easy process and I still feel our sessions as kind of unnatural. Moreover, I can clearly see through some of the things that my therapist says to me, or through her facial expressions, and I think seeing the threads is not a great thing. For example, it feels as if she's dying to be told that I really need our sessions and that I feel good about going there. Which I'm positive is part of the healing process because, well, once she thought something out loud with pure victory on her face 😅 so I looked the words up on Google and got a clear idea of what her diagnosis is and how she is trying to get me get better. Which, again, I don't think is too good for the outcome, because now that I know where I'm supposed to get I am not sure anymore if I want to get there and a part of it is resisting the... manipulation? Can't think of a better word. Not even sure it makes sense.
However, long story short: here I am with almost 10 kg more than 12 months ago. ⚖️ So I have seen a nutritionist and I am about to start a new diet. Again. At least this time it's tailored made on my body composition, habits and PCOS so I feel very confident that the process will work.
And since feeling better is a huge part of the process, I have decided to start doing this thing I saw online where one mentioned at least three good things that happened to him during the day to train his mind to see the upside of his life. So, here it goes :
What makes me smile: Saturday 22nd August 2020
I have come home from an holiday and my cat is spending a lot of time near me. She's not exactly the affectionate type, she's been through a lot and does not like physical contact, so when she falls asleep hugging your arm she is actually saying she loves you. It made me smile. Bonus, proud mama smile when she jumped on the sink to drink from the faucet. She's kidney problems and she has learned to demand fresh water from there. Great work Kira 🐱
I am starting this new diet. I'm kind of nervous about because I read the meal plan and it is pretty challenging, but it's been carefully planned and it shows. Today I went shopping to cook all these new foods that I don't usually have, like pancakes made with egg whites and oatmeal and whole grain rice with shrimps. It's new and it mighty be difficult to adjust at first, but it also carries the thrill of a new start and it feels really good to have a plan to stick to. Hard to believe, the most unorganized woman on the planet actually likes to feel like every thing is organized and under control. It's not a wide grin, but it most definitely brings me a self confident smirk. 📖
Today when I was waiting in line for my turn to pay a woman let me pass first. Okay, it is kind of the golden rule of any supermarket on the planet that if someone has only an item as opposed to a full cart the person with one item should go on first. But the holiday I mentioned earlier some people I thought were really close friends behaved poorly and it was actually refreshing to be reminded that good people still exist. Okay, I am still trying to figure out if I'm being overly dramatic or if it's only good for me to tell those people to fuck off. However, I thanked that woman twice with a smile on my face, and it was the most genuine smile I had in a while. 🛒
What made you smile today? 😊
