In January of 1709 during the War of Spanish Succession and a notoriously harsh winter, a man was found just east of Tours walking on the frozen Loire river. Naked and covered in burns that took the shape of vertical stripes all over his torso and legs, the man was found to speak only English and a bit of an unidentifiable dialect of French or Italian. Believed to be an opposing soldier, he was held in a military prison until 1714.
During his time in the Tours prison, he made numerous bizarre claims. The man, who accounts record as calling himself “Alexandre Ramieresse” stated that he was from the future, coming from a city called “Baz-Dan.” He stated that he was a university professor and scientist and that he had accidentally thrown himself back in time about 300 years while developing a type of vehicle, which he claimed was supposed to send people across great distances in a second. His accounts of how it worked were stated to be gibberish by his captors.
On February 18th 2016, Professor Alexander Ramirez of Boston University disappeared from François Rabelais University near Tours while working on a quantum entanglement study.
The description of “Alexandre Ramieresse” does indeed match Alexander Ramirez, bald with a thick black mustache is all that the historical records say about his appearance. But they do list a good number of his rantings and prophecies. Among them are claims that France and Germany would have two great battles in the 20th century, one of them due to a German Tyrant whose name was stated but not recorded; a claim that he flew to Tours in a large metal object with wings; a claim that people across the globe would one day be obsessed with a play called “La Guerre des étoiles” (Roughly translated “the war of stars”), and that they would spend most of their time writing words on communication devices called “His Salt” (“his salt” in French would be “sel fon”).
Alexandre Ramieresse died in 1716 and was buried in the Holy Innocents’ Cemetery in Paris, but his grave marker has never been positively identified. Notably though, in 1987, a geiger counter located a heavily radioactive corpse buried in the cemetery, which was removed for public safety. The corpse, unidentified, bore several anomalies, including a fatally high polonium levels and evidence of advanced dental surgery. Suggesting a further connection, individuals who had extended contact with Ramieresse were said to have gone bald and suffered from tumors. Alexandre Ramieresse himself was not stated to have had any deformities, but the bones of the removed corpse did bear signs of internal cancerous growth.
Most alarming of all though, is the will of Alexandre Ramieresse. Dictated to an avocet in 1715, the will is in English and though it does not definitively state that he had traveled in time, its actual contents are quite suggestive of the phenomenon. It reads in its entirety:
“To Monica I leave my home and its furnishings. To Maurice I leave my accounts at Banque Courtois and my cat, Frodo. To Marie I leave one hundred livres on the condition that she pass on my letter to be delivered to the François Rabelais University on February 15th, 2016.”
Upon reading this bizarre will, investigators checked with the University to see if any letters had been delivered. Indeed, one had been received on the 15th but had been stowed in a sorting pile due to its faded address through the 18th and was only opened after the discovery. The letter read:
“Alex- It’s you from the past. For the love of fuck don’t use a resistor on B-13 or B-15. It will send you back in time and hurt like a mother fucker. Also I think you forgot to throw out the expired eggs in the fridge. Have Marty toss them fast or it will stink up the house like one of Larry’s farts.”
The final evidence came when investigators contacted Ramriez’s T.A., Martin Salandor Essex and sent him to the refrigerator in question. Upon opening it he reported a smell that he confirmed was indeed nearly identical to the farts of student Larry Perspex.
Upon learning the near incontrovertible evidence that time travel is real, Martin stated for the record: “It’s true. It’s all absolutely true: Larry farts like a fucking skunk on Taco Bell.”
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