I am watching every Disney movie ever made

This is a project to watch and review every single theatrically released Disney movie. It is a nightmare and Capitalism makes monsters out of us all. Full list of movies found here:  https://everydisneymovie.tumblr.com/post/611413781045739520/the-list

[everydisneymovie]

Review #69(nice): The Incredible Journey

Post #74

5/31/2021

Bit of a delay since several upcoming movies have proven hard to track down. Thank you for your patience.

Next up is 1963′s The Incredible Journey

Enjoyment : [4]

I think this movie is alright, bordering on boring. For the most part, this movie is 90% the animals wandering about aimlessly while the narrators struggles to come up with a story. It reminds me of those ‘real life adventure’ documentaries where they filmed the animals first, and then made a narrative around whatever they could film. This movie wasn’t awful but I don’t see myself watching it again.

Quality : [3]

This is one of those ‘bare minimum’ movies from Disney. There is very little money put into it and there is almost nothing of note in terms of camera work. The music is very pleasant, and I really liked the opening number. Other than that, I really did not see where the budget went. In fact one of my favorite moments is when they pull the cat out of the river, and you can clearly see it is a wooden dummy, like the stiffest most T-posing fake cat you can imagine. They basically paid the crew, the actors, and hired a few animal tamers and called it good. Then they used whatever coins they found in the seat cushions to pay for the special effects.

Hold up : [3]

In terms of animal abuse, this is not nearly the worst from Disney. The animals seem mostly safe, and as mentioned above, they used wooden dummies for the more dangerous stunts. HOWEVER... there are two truly awful scenes with a bear and a lynx. No matter how tamed/trained those animals where, they could still seriously hurt the cat and dogs if they wanted to. I do not know where Disney keeps getting these baby bears from but it is not ok. The fact that I can say ‘the animal abuse isn’t all that bad this time!’ is not a glowing endorsement for Disney.

Risk : [4]

Once again Disney delivered a pretty safe movie that doesn’t take any major risks. There isn’t really any depth behind the narrative, since the animals are just animals. They want to get back to their humans, which is very sweet, but they don’t really do anything beyond that. We don’t get a lot of time with the human characters and since the narrator controls the motives of the animals, we barely get any character development. This could have been a lot better if they tied some more narrative hooks to make the movie have more meat. As it stands, the movie has very little to say, but then again it is just a movie about animals going on a fun little journey so I can’t dock it too many points.

Extra Credit : [1]

The fact that the movie said ‘and the humans in the story’ in the opening credits is something I think all movies should include in the future.

Final thoughts:

I am all for cute animals doing cute things, but this wasn’t a very good attempt. There were several moments where the narrator said stuff like ‘the animals were beside themselves with sadness.’ only for it to cut to the animals wagging their tails and jumping around. At the end of the day this is a pretty basic film without much novelty or flair. The animals were put in danger, but from the research I did I THINK they all turned out ok. I cannot wait for CGI and green screen to finally eliminate this sort of thing in movies.

Total Score: 15/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #68: Summer Magic

Post #73

1/25/2021

Next up is 1963′s Summer Magic

Enjoyment : [3]

This movie is very boring. First off, all the characters are awful people, and no one faces any consequences for being awful. We are introduced to the family while they are trying to manipulate their maids into working for free, and immediately after they scam a guy into renting a house to them by faking an illness. When their scam is found out, the guy just laughs and forgives them, which is way less charming than the movie seems to think it is. They try to go for a ‘rich city folk have to rough it out in the country side’ but the characters go through almost no actual hardships to get you invested. Sure they TALK about how they have no money and how hard it is living here, but they still wear fancy dresses, go to fancy balls and hang out in a lavish mansion rent free. (ya know, because of that scam they pulled.) I could not get invested in anyone because they were just so mean and always got away with it. The opening scene is about how sad they are because they have to sell their piano, only for it to be revealed that they are selling the expensive piano, and buying a slightly less expensive piano with the money. That sets the whole tone right there, a very minor conflict, that gets dismissed effortlessly with no lasting consequences.

Quality : [3]

This movie is pretty average, with little to say in terms of camera work. The costumes and sets are decent for the most part, but it rarely rises above ‘passable’ at least to my eye. There are some structural issues with this movie, mostly stemming from poor writing and characterization. This movie also suddenly decides to be a musical a half hour in? The way it handles its music numbers are really sloppy, since it can’t decide if it wants to be diegetic or not. Some numbers are done entirely within the narrative played on instruments the characters physically have with them, while others have ghost orchestras playing for them and are seemingly dream sequences? None of the songs really land and the tone is way too grounded to achieve the dream-like quality of a true musical. 

Hold up : [2]

Wowie this movie is racist. Pretty much every character says a racial slur at some point in the movie. It starts off subtle, with the characters hinting about the ‘easterners’ and end just came fully out spewing asian slurs. Like this movie really pointedly hates asians even forcing in slurs where they make no sense. Two characters will be talking politely and suddenly turn to the camera and say something weirdly hateful. The rest of the movie isn’t great either. They same some weird stuff about women, and all the female relationships are oddly hostile. Like, the main character really brutally humiliates her cousin and then it brushed over like nothing happened. The hate coating this movie make the whole watching experience feels grimy.

Risk : [4]

How many times do I need to teach you this lesson old man? Rich people ALMOST becoming slightly less rich is NEVER interesting. This is a very safe movie, and it is utterly boring because of it. I can’t fault it too much for focusing on a low stakes story, low stakes can be fun in the right situations, but this ain’t it chief. Also, how come they never showed any character doing any farm labor? There is like a big cut where they go from uppity city folk, to hard working country folk but at no point is it earned. I think the Disney writers just really like writing stories upperclass white people STAYING upperclass and white.

Extra Credit : [2]

Some jokes made me laugh, and the opening song slaps for the 30 seconds it plays. There are also a few legitimately funny fourth wall breaks, like the Time? Rag! joke in the opening shot. Although I swear they don’t do anything as funny as their opening gag for the rest of the movie.

Final thoughts:

This movie isn’t the worst thing I have seen so far, but it REALLY isn’t anything worthwhile. The music is forgettable, the pacing is weird and the characters are all assholes. I really do feel that a lack of consequences stands out more in low stakes stories. People don’t have to die or suffer for a movie to work, but there has to be a driving force behind the narrative. This movie spits in the face of all conflict over and over again just to spite you for watching it. They have to sell their precious piano because they need money? No problem they bought a cheaper piano that is just as good and had a ton of money left over. They lied about their living situation to scam an old man out of a house? No problem the old man found their scam funny and gave them the house for free anyway. The old man is only the landlord and if the original owner comes back they might lose the house? No problem the original owner gives the house for free and is also a hot guy who wants to marry the protagonist and let her live in the lap of luxury for the rest of her life. When I saw the title, I thought that this was going to be something whimsical and fun, but all I got was a dull movie about rich con artists avoiding consequences and getting an unearned happy ending.

Total Score: 14/50 

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #67: Savage Sam

Post #72

1/16/2021

Next up is 1963′s Savage Sam

Enjoyment : [3]

This movie is hard to enjoy. The few enjoyable scenes are consistently sandwiched between the worst scenes imaginable. Some stuff is fun, like seeing the characters from Old Yeller a bit more grown up, but it isn’t enough. The whimsy of the first movie is nowhere to be found and the characters all have this harsh angry edge to them that makes it just, super grating to sit through. Instead of being a ‘boy and his dog’ story, it’s just a bunch of angry people being angry at each other and talking about how badly they want to murder the native ‘savages’ for two hours. I mean for god sakes the dog isn’t even in the movie that much. Would it kill them to include even a tiny amount of whimsy? Is that too much to ask of Disney?

Quality : [3]

This movie is noticeably worse than the previous movie. The camera is less dynamic, there are far less sets (since they are on the road the whole time) and we get almost no significant character growth from anyone. The script is terribly flimsy. The main characters get captured by a band of Native Americans, time passes, then cowboys show up and shoot all the ‘bad guys’. You think they would like, explore ANYTHING in depth but they really don’t. This really needed a better hook and a better script.

Hold up : [1]

This is easily one of the most offensive Disney movies I have seen since... well honestly the previous movie Miracle of the White Stallions. The Native Americans are given zero motivation or character beyond being violent rapists and then they all just die. There is ALMOST a hint of depth when Travis starts to learn something from his captors with how they run along side their horses... but then nothing comes of it. They even draw explicit attention to how they are all Apaches but there is a lone Comanche among them, almost like that is signifiant somehow, and the Comanche will become a character of be given some semblance of a backstory. Needless to say the Comanche is killed by the very vocally racist cowboys and nothing ever comes of it. I kid you not there is a cowboy character who says nothing but like, cartoonishly racist stuff every time he is on screen. The dude is practically frothing at the mouth talking about how he wants ‘every last one of um dead!” and he just does not let up. AND HE’S FRAMED AS ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS? They also spend an uncomfortable amount of time dancing around their intentions towards the only female character in the movie. It is not even slightly interested in exploring anything beyond ‘good guys good, bad guys bad’ in this movie. 

Risk : [3]

Westerns need to be one of two things. (hopefully both) First off, they need to be fun. Why would you even bother making a wester if it ain’t rootin, tootin, lootin, and shootin? Second, it needs to not paint over the bloody legacy of Americas whole ‘manifest destiny’ era. This movie accomplishes neither.  It’s boring and it acts like murdering everyone is just what civilized people do. They don’t challenge any systems, they don’t challenge any moral failings in our characters, and they don’t say anything worth while. It’s just hateful. and little else.

Extra Credit : [1]

I liked maybe... two scenes? Some of the interacts between the protagonists almost made me smile... almost. Also the opening theme slaps, not a big slap, but it slaps a little.

Final thoughts:

This is a pretty bad movie, the racism is really thick throughout, but it is more boring than it is offensive. There is basically no tension at any point, and we never really care about anyone for any reason. The movie is grimy, loud and unpleasant. I can barely think of anything worthwhile about this movie, I mean, I cannot stress this enough, the dog isn’t even most of the movie! A scrappy dog going on an adventure with a kid is like free money because it can be cute and compelling! Savage Sam has like, maybe five minutes of screen time total!

Total Score: 11/50

Previous Installment: 24/50

Is this movie better than the previous installment?: NO

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #66: Miracle of the White Stallions

Post #71

12/8/2020

Next up is 1963′s Miracle of the White Stallions

Just a warning, this movie fucking sucks.

Enjoyment : [2]

This movie is one of the worst experiences I have had so far. It is 2 hours of some of the most boring shit you will ever see. You know that phrase ‘Polishing the silverware on the Titanic’? A phrase meant to mock people who prioritize the wrong things during an emergency? Imagine two whole hours of a dude polishing silverware while the Titanic sinks in the background. My god this movie is dull. Every single character without a doubt is a despicable piece of flaming garbage who don’t deserve our attention. There is almost nothing to enjoy about this movie and about 75% of it could be cut without any loss to the main plot. I mean that, the main conflict is resolved about 40 minutes into this 2 hour movie. There is so little conflict that they actually switch to an entirely new cast of characters who have almost nothing to do with the main plot for the final half hour. I hate this movie with every fiber of my being.

Quality : [3]

I will give the movie this, the actors are trying their hardest and the locations are very pretty. The writing is absolutely atrocious. Every line of dialogue sounds like a rich brat whining about ‘daddy only let me have TWO gold plated dune buggies this christmas!’ and I hate it. The pacing is also pathetic. Like I mentioned, the movie gives up trying to have a plot and throws in a pointless fight scene with brand new characters we care even less about in the final half hour.

Hold up : [2]

This movie has a single easily identifiable flaw. It is pathetically spineless at the core of it’s being. This movie takes place during WW2, and somehow decides to go with the moral ‘There were good and bad guys on both sides’ While also totally ignoring the holocaust happening literally just off screen. There is even a line where one character says “Oh yeah my husband got taken to a concentration camp” “Aw jeez that sucks” and then they move on like it is no big deal. This movie is about a bunch of rich assholes using money and supplies that could have been used to help refugees to instead transport their expensive horses to safety. Excuse me if this is a controversial opinion but, JEWISH LIVES WILL ALWAYS BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FUCKING FANCY HORSES. This movie is utterly pathetic, since it thinks anyone will care about the safety of some vanity project for the 1% over actual victims of war and genocide.

Risk : [1]

This is without a doubt the least risky movie Disney has ever made. The stakes are literally “we might not have our super expensive dressage horses after the war! We can’t have that! Rich people like watching horses prance around! This must be our top priority right now!” Which I have to say bud, are stakes I do not care about. What is worse is how much it humanizes the Nazis in this movie. The main characters are for all intents and purposes Nazis. They aren’t actually Nazis, but they hang out with Nazis, obey the orders of Nazis, and get permission from Nazis. We keep getting these extended monologues about how war is the real enemy and Nazis are just caught in the middle. How dare you Disney, how dare you act like Nazis were some misunderstood tragedy. We even get an extended scene where all the Nazi characters we met throughout the movie get happy endings where they conveniently leave out ANY JEWISH VOICES. This movie is pathetic because it refuses to take a side... on the holocaust. Why the hell did they think this would be ok?

Extra Credit : [0]

This movie deserve no extra credit. I cannot think of a single moment I enjoyed or thought had creative effort put into.

Final thoughts:

This is the second worst movie I have seen so far. The simple fact is that there is no way to get even slightly invested in the plot unless you are a complete psychopath. Horse dressage is a pointless leisure activity for the ultra rich, and as hard as this movie tries to convince me it’s part of some great ‘cultural heritage’ I just can’t give a damn. If there was a fire in an art museum, I would be sad at the loss of such important cultural artifacts, but I wouldn’t try to save the paintings before I tried to save the people still inside. Human life will ALWAYS matter to me more than some stupid fucking horses. The characters come across as fucking insane, since they value these horses above everything else. At one point they threaten a mob of starving refugees with guns because ‘these horses bring hope to people!” (bring hope to who? the fucking rich elite?) At one point a train conductor is like “No dude we can’t put your horses on this train we have civilians to evacuate” and they like, passionately argue about how important these horses are to the country... AND THEY GET LET ON THE TRAIN! Innocent people probably straight up died because of their selfishness!  I cannot express how awful this movie is to watch. The only reason it isn’t ranked lower than A Light In the Forest is because that movie just seemed to ooze hatred towards minorities, while this movie just seems indifferent to the suffering of others. Call me crazy but I don’t care about Nazi horses even a little.

Total Score: 8/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #65: Son of Flubber

Post #70

12/7/2020

Next up is 1963′s Son of Flubber

Enjoyment : [4]

It might just be my own sense of humor, but this movie was funny. I found myself laughing at some of the goofy hijinx and wordplay in the first half of the movie. However, the jokes fade away the further into the movie you go, getting smaller and smaller laughs each time. Towards the end I was actively annoyed and bored by this movie, and I think that is due to a single and glaring problem...

Quality : [2]

This movie is literally just a copy paste of the first movie. The story beats are the same, the jokes are the same, and the conflict is identical. It is so by the numbers identical, that the main characters wife leaves him so he can go through all the same beats of winning her back. It is lazy writing of the worst flavor, since you can tell almost no effort was put into making this movie stand on it’s own merit. The special effects are also worse this time around. They are better on a technical level, but handled a lot lazier so there is way less charm. The bouncing basketball players being on strings was goofy, but it was also a very funny scene so the janky effect added to the irreverent tone. When they pull the exact same joke with the football player, the effect of him flying is better, but feels played out.

Hold up : [4]

This movie seems to twist its only real female lead into being an ‘unreasonable nag’ at every opportunity. The conflict between the protagonist and his wife is not nearly as understandable as it was in the first movie. In the first movie he was a forgetful screw up trying to prove himself, but this time he is a moderately responsible dude reacting to the broken system around him, so the wife blowing up at him feels really petty and vindictive. Doubly so since their main conflict is about money, and she feels incredibly shallow in a way she just didn’t in the first. Other than that unfortunate bit of sexism this movie doesn’t have anything else terribly offensive I could spot.

Risk : [2]

I have to say this is a really lazy movie. Disney hasn’t done very many sequels, and I have to say this one feels like a synthetic cash grab through and through. You can taste the greed baked into this movie with every shot. They didn’t want to tell a good story, they didn’t want to revisit any of these characters, they just wanted money.

Extra Credit : [2]

Until it falls apart, I liked checking in on these characters. It was interesting to see what they had been up to since the first movie and that was kinda charming. Plus there are some great zingers in the first half. “Remember you’re in Washington, stop trying to be reasonable about money!”

Final thoughts:

Disney has only made 3 sequels so far. The Davy Crockett movies, the Zorro movies, and now Son of Flubber. I have to say this is the first movie on this list where Disney was making a movie out of naked greed above all else. On paper this movie is boringly passable, but when compared to the first movie, it is nothing but a shameless repeat. There have been bad movies on this list, but this one is by far the most corporate and soulless. Sadly, it in no way compares to the original, so unless you are really curious about the flubber-verse give this a skip.

Total Score: 14/50

Previous Installment: 23/50

Is this movie better than the previous installment?: NO

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #64: In Search of the Castaways

Post #69

12/4/2020

Next up is 1962′s In Search of Castaways

Enjoyment : [5]

This is a really fun movie... in spite of everything. It is a wonderful little adventure movie where a cast of semi-likable characters have to overcome internal and external obstacles in exciting new locales. It does a good job of staying light-hearted even when the characters face death and at one point, possible death by cannibalism. Most of my enjoyment came from the overall tone and the interesting settings. The characters start off strong but get a little muddled as the story continues. The actual pieces of this movie are pretty great on their own, it only falls apart as we get into the details. 

Quality : [4]

The writing is pretty great, but once again this only because of good old Jules Verne. His love of adventure shines through even under all the layers of Disneyfictation. Not all of the effects hold up, but the movie looks good enough to fall into the ‘charming’ category for me. The character writing is enjoyable, especially in the first half. The special effects and the pacing gets a little sloppy in the second half, and that’s mostly due to...

Hold up : [2]

Holy hell this movie is racist. It isn’t all at once, it comes at you in waves. Like, “Oh that was a little weird.” then it moves to “Oh jeez I don’t think they should have done that...” and finally ends on “What the fuck was anyone working on this movie smoking?” Like, it starts off with some questionable comments by the ship captain about the ‘natives’ Then we move into an Italian actor portraying a South American, then we just throw all subtly, and have a bunch of ‘savage cannibals’ in loin-clothes threatening to eat the main characters. What makes the racism worse, is that the ‘nice white protagonists’ say and do some pretty horrible things with the justification of ‘well they are just savages so they don’t count as people.’ In the climax they trigger a volcanic eruption to destroy the cannibal village, and they turn to the camera and say “Don’t worry! They can run faster than the lava! So enjoy this moment!” Exact quote from the movie. Yeah they laugh at the genocide they caused and just sorta, move on without a second thought.  The concept of like ‘adventurer captured by cannibals’ isn’t a bad trope by itself, but 99% of the time I see it, the trope is used make anyone who isn’t white look like a monster.

Risk : [5]

Despite its flaws, this movie was actually kinda refreshing to watch. Although that might just be the garbage surrounding it. Watching a Disney movie with a strong female lead, various locations and a very low stakes adventure was exactly what I wanted. Again, I don’t think this movie was good because of anything Disney brought to the table, Jules Verne is just good at writing solid adventure tales. I am glad that they, ya know, told a story with a plot for once. This movie feels like a tiny bit more effort way put into it and I can appreciate that.

Extra Credit : [2]

There are a few beats that I really like in the movie. The way the captains son slowly warms up to the kids, or the way the wise old mentor keeps their spirits high was charming. 

Final thoughts:

I really wish that Disney would remake these sorts of movies instead. I mean the framework of the plot is solid, it just needs the racism shaved off and the effects updated. 20,000 Leagues is by far the better story and movie. If this movie wasn’t so glaringly racist, I would actually feel comfortable recommending it for ‘baby’s first adventure movie’ since the tension is high but the tone is lighthearted. I don’t think this movie deserves much more than a passing shrug, but I couldn’t really bring myself to hate it the way I hated movies like A Light in the Forest since the racism feels tacked on, rather than the whole point of the movie. Unless you are on a Jules Verne kick, give this one a skip.

Total Score: 18/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #63: The Legend of Lobo

Post #68

12/2/2020

Next up is 1962′s The Legend of Lobo

Enjoyment : [4]

I expected this movie to be a lot more boring, but for the most part it is watchable. I think there is a real disconnect between the narrative being told in voice over, and the actual animals walking around looking confused. Bambi works because the characters are characters, and we can be along for the ride when they get into hijinx. With this movie, you are always aware that these animals are just wild animals, they don’t have the motivation the narrator pretends they have. On paper I would be sad seeing Lobo having to leave his dad behind to die in the hunters trap, but for all I know, those two wolves had no relation and one walked off screen because a trainer held a treat off screen. I guess the format just makes the story beats fall flat. With human actors you know that they are willingly playing a role, but filming wild or trained animals, you always know the animals are just being animals. 

Quality : [3]

This movie is slightly better than all the other ‘Real Life Adventures’ because it is a bit more artificial. There are human actors in some scenes, there are constructed sets, and a somewhat basic 3-act structure to follow. I am glad they dropped the fake documentary angle and just told a fictional story this time... but I also wish they just dropped the whole ‘real animals’ gimmick and made this animated. You can still feel the ad-libbed nature behind the writing, where they just wrote around whatever footage they managed to get. “And now the wolf goes left, oh wait I guess he is going right... no wait he is going left. Yes indeed he is going left what a fun little scamp, he can’t make up his mind can he?” Sort of writing. 

Hold up : [4]

I couldn’t spot any specific moment where animals were in particularly extreme danger. They still throw animals together and just... let them bite each other with no real intervention. I don’t think that armadillo got out with all its ears intact is all I am saying. Fundamentally I think Disney chooses to film real life animals because it is cheaper than paying their animators. Animals actors generally don’t have unions, and they don’t complain when they get hurt on set. 

Risk : [2]

This movie really does feel like a low budget knockoff of Bambi. I really think it could have been something impactful if they didn’t go live action. The story beats are all there, little pup grows up, loses his parent, challenges a rival for dominance, has to deal with a human caused disaster, it is just Bambi but with a carnivore. Also this movie is really short, like only 67 minutes it goes by really fast. I wonder if this was originally a TV movie or something.

Extra Credit : [1]

Some of the animals are cute, but that is about all I can give this movie.

Final thoughts:

It is so bizarre to watch these “pseudo-movies” as I am now calling them. They aren’t really full movies they are just, pieces of a real movie chopped up and sold to the 1960′s audiences one a time. I feel like I am going through a bargain bin instead of sitting in a movie theater. I appreciate that this movie was not blatantly offensive or violent like some of the other Real Life Adventures but it still wasn’t anything to write home about. There are maybe two and a half scenes that actually engaged me, but all of those scenes were done better in Bambi so they still fell short. Honestly just watch Bambi again, it says everything this movie tries to but in way less words. At least the wild west aesthetic was nice to look at.

Total Score: 14/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #62: Almost Angels

Post #67

11/13/2020

Next up is 1962′s Almost Angels

Enjoyment : [4]

This movie is pretty bland. I mean, there is a slight charm to the antics these kids get up to. They play pranks on each other, have bonding moments and it all feels genuine. However the movie doesn’t really do much beyond being slightly cute. There are good characters and there are good moments with those characters, but it all falls a little short in practice. It might simply be because the stakes are a little low, but the relationship between Tony and Peter is the main emotional hook. I am a sucker for ‘rivals to friends’ story arcs, and they pull it off well enough that I guess this movie can rise slightly above ‘boring.’

Quality : [4]

This movie is pretty simplistic in its craft. The locations are pretty but the camera work is far too simple to capture anything important. The story structure is also a little odd since plot points appear and get resolved within a pretty short timespan. The child acting is actually ok compared to previous Disney movies but its still nothing to write home about. I think a better use of lighting or framing could have upped the emotional intensity of certain scenes but I also understand why they didn’t go all out with this movie. It wasn’t a particularly epic story and it’s more about the quiet exploration of a very niche passion. Sometimes the simpler framing keeps it from feeling too melodramatic.

Hold up : [3]

This movie has no overtly problematic issues, at least not on the surface. I would have liked to see more women and people of color, but then again what demographic did you expect from an Austrian Boys choir? I think the real issue with this movie is how it portrays the choir as an unquestionable good. This isn’t a movie about art, or music, or even just sining, it is SPECIFICALLY about how great this one narrow type of choir is. This boys choir is apparently the highest honor to participate in no questions asked. The way the adults talk about these boys feels creepy and possessive. What this movie really fails to acknowledge is that this type of pressure is not healthy for kids. It can only be achieved for a short window of time and is only to be consumed by the elite and the ultra rich. I really wish this movie was more about the universal experience of music and not religious children coral music for extremely wealthy patrons. It’s like watching a cooking show but they only make veal. It is kinda creepy and alienating since the goal of these characters boils down to “I want to dedicate my entire life to entertaining like five rich people once a year and then getting kicked out the second I hit puberty.”

Risk : [3]

This movie is very uninterested in challenging the broken structure it is portraying. Boys choirs put a huge amount of emphasis on perfection and conformity. While the individual characters are shown as warm and supportive, they also do little to repudiate the cruel environment that constantly weighs down on these poor children. The main conflict towards the end of the movie is that Peter has finally hit puberty and his voice is cracking. He begins to panic, thinking his choir career is over and he will never sing again. Instead of like, ya know, supporting this kid and letting him know there are other genres of music he can pursue with his new voice, they just make an exception for him and make him the assistant conductor. They completely fail to acknowledge that EVERY SINGLE BOY IS ALSO GOING TO GO THROUGH PUBERTY AND EXPERIENCE THE EXACT SAME SPIRAL OF SELF DOUBT. This movie really ends on a “Don’t worry, we bent the rules just for the main character so everything is totally fine now.” And that is completely unacceptable. If you knew a kid struggling with the growing up and self doubt, would you tell them “Don’t worry, maybe you will be one of the lucky ones!” No you wouldn’t. This movie ends on what should be a somber note but it plays it unironically happy and I hated it. 

Extra Credit : [1]

This movie has nice shots of Austria and there are some good characters beats with the conductor. But it isn’t enough to earn it any more points since the rest of this movie is so milquetoast. 

Final thoughts:

Fun fact, I have been singing in choirs for nearly my entire life. I was in a religious children’s choir since I was old enough to stand up. I was also in a boys/mens choir all through elementary school, middle school, high school and college. And boy oh boy did this movie bring back horrific war flashbacks every five seconds. The child actors do a really good job portraying rambunctious boys finding out about their passions, but I couldn’t really bring myself to enjoy any of it. I spent most of this movie curled up in a ball vividly re-living the nightmares I witnessed in my own boys choir. If I could possibly look at this movie unbiased, I would say it’s mostly bland, with a really weak ending at best. If I can be totally biased for a moment, I would say this movie is a gross and twisted tale of adults manipulating children into an overly stressful environment for next to no purpose beyond mildly entertaining a few rich monsters. I don’t think choir music is bad, I just know that these kids sacrifice way too much of their mental and physical health in what is ultimately a wasteful luxury for men who don’t care about them. If you have never been in a choir, you will like this movie fine enough. If you HAVE been in a choir, this movie is the equivalent of being locked in a tumble dryer with a bunch of angry bees. I am not joking, forcing your kids to suffer for the entertainment of other adults is some super villain level bullshit. We see how broken Peter is when he realizes his voice is cracking, he feels like his life is over and no one comforts him when he needs it most, it’s super gross.

Total Score: 15/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #61: Big Red

Post #66

10/22/2020

Thank you for your patience, I needed that break.

Next up is 1962′s Big Red

Enjoyment : [4]

This movie falls into that category of “bad because of the lack of anything good” sort of movie. There is nothing glaringly bad about this movie beyond the pacing, in fact I would almost go so far as to say it is slightly good. The dogs are cute, the protagonist is likable and the conflicts all have satisfying resolutions. I guess it mostly just fails by being politely unobtrusive. It is a very mild movie, with very low highs and very high lows if that makes sense. While I can’t say I enjoyed this movie much, I have repeatedly stated that boring is better than hateful.

Quality : [3]

This movie is very simple. The camerawork is simple, the framing is simple and the editing is simple. The acting is pretty subdued and the setting is mostly just one section of woods, and alternates between two buildings. The biggest flaw with this movie is how poorly paced it is. It is oddly episodic for a feature length movie. A scene starts, a conflict is introduced and then it is resolved within two to five minutes, repeat until the credits eventually roll. Like, the dog gets injured jumping through a window, cut to the kid nursing the dog back to health, cut to the dog perfectly healed. Another scene has the dog run away into the woods, cut to the kid playing harmonica, cut to the dog following the harmonic for them to reunite. This happens multiple times throughout the movie and it really robs scenes of their impact. I feel like the conflict should have been focused into just one or two major plot points. I feel like this movie was made with budget in mind before actual storytelling quality. 

Hold up : [5]

I spotted nothing terribly problematic in this movie. There are no cheap jokes at Rene’s expense because english was not his first language. There isn’t a lot of diversity but then again cast is 1 child 3 adults and a dog. While there is only one named woman in the whole movie she is at least a character and seems to have a healthy relationship with her husband. This movie is very neutral in almost every way and I think it would be fine to show most children.

Risk : [4]

The entire time I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had seen this movie a dozen times before. If you have seen any movie about ‘A boy and his dog’ well, you have seen most of this movie. I do like that Rene is shown to be a functional competent person despite being young, and I do like that the adults never treat him as a nuisance. I feel like Disney phoned this movie in a tad, but everyone who showed up actually put in some work so I can’t get too mad at it.

Extra Credit : [2]

There is actually a brilliant piece of visual storytelling in this movie, when the boss brings up “closed topics” it pans to a photo of a young man in a military uniform. While we are never directly told, we can assume he lost his son in the war, giving his adoption of Rene at the end more weight. I am always a sucker for grumpy adults coming out of their shell to protect an adorable orphan.

Final thoughts:

I can’t bring myself to hate this movie. Sure it can be boring and scenes often lack impact, but it isn’t garbage. Far from it in fact, I think this movie has the smallest hint of charm about it. I don’t have much to say when the movie is just sorta... average. I think they could have really amped up the emotions to make it about a lonely old man and a lost orphan who bond over a rowdy dog, but in execution this movie is more about a man and boy who politely talk about a normal dog for an hour. I think it can be improved upon in a lot of ways, but thankfully there is nothing glaringly upsetting about it. Give it a watch if you like this sort of story, but you lose very little if you decide to skip it.

Total Score: 18/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #60: Bon Voyage!

Post #65

9/29/2020

Next up is 1962′s Bon Voyage!

Enjoyment : [3]

Wow this was a boring movie. It is over 2 hours long and you really feel it. It tries to be a comedy first and foremost, but it also tries to be a serious family drama so it ends up being neither funny nor emotional due to its awful pacing. A lot of the comedy comes from awkward beats, and not from character, physical acting, or situational humor. For example there is an extended scene where the husband is at a party populated by in-laws who have never met him, and they all keep talking about how his wife could have “done better than that man” without knowing he is the man they are talking about. Normally that would lead to some big reveal or silly reaction, but he just tells a shaggy-dog story that ends with “oh by the way that man is me.” and the scene just sits in the uncomfortableness. It’s not actually funny and its more just annoying to watch. Also I never really got invested in any character since there are only three personality traits between them. Horny, Jealous and Petty. 

Quality : [3]

This movie is once again nothing special. Shots are flat, editing is subpar and I can’t think of any specific shots where visual storytelling takes center stage. There is also a lot of bad green screen and almost no interesting effects. The pacing is pretty abysmal, since it takes 40 minutes for them to even arrive in France, and most of that time is spent from only the father’s point of view. This does lead to a few interesting scenes where we don’t have all the information because we are only privy to what he knows in the moment. However most of these scenes are unsuccessful since we never actually find out what is really going on since this movie never really has anything serious to say. Which leads us directly into...

Hold up : [2]

This movie is unrelentingly horny in a VERY uncomfortable way. Almost all the ‘jokes’ revolve around sex. Is the mom cheating? Is the daughter sleeping around? Is the older son sleeping around? That is pretty much the beginning and end of every joke. However, this gets really weird since this is a ‘family movie’ and the non stop sex jokes are obfuscated by innuendo after innuendo and it ends up even more perverted than if they just came out and said it directly. For example, the daughter quickly falls for a random guy, and she clearly just wants to have sex with him. However the mother describes this as “Our daughter finally found someone who makes her feel warm blooded, when with all the other boys back home she was something of a cold fish.” Which is just... weird? Why would you word it like that? An ever worse example is how the older son is treated later in the movie. There is an INCREDIBLY uncomfortable scene where he is caught “stealing a young girls virtue” and I think they were talking about him raping her? The girl is weeping and there is talk of calling the police unless he “does the right thing and marries her” and it’s just super uncomfortable I hate every moment of it why would they think this was funny? Oh yeah just so I don’t forget it’s also pretty racist. The older son says some pretty creepy things about and Indian woman on the boat. I think this movie would have been a lot less creepy if they were just upfront about their raunchier jokes, instead of trying to hide it behind innocent wording.

Risk : [2]

I think this movie is really lazy. It does a lot of surface level jokes and it’s characters don’t grow in any meaningful way. At first their bickering family dynamic is charming, but it never evolves and they just keep sniping and slut shaming each other, jumping on petty issues with some real vitriol and it feels like a lot of unnecessary forced conflict. It’s one of those movies that feels completely unnecessary since it is neither entertaining nor engaging. I really feel like it could be wiped from existence and no one would really miss it.

Extra Credit : [1]

The actors did a really good job with what they were given. I didn’t like any of their characters but they tried their best to make them somewhat likable. 

Final thoughts:

This movie is bad, but in a slow creeping way. I was on board for the funny characters and goofy antics, but the characters got less fun as it went on and the antics weren’t all that goofy when you thought about them. This movie is more than 2 hours long and they just keep retreated the same points over and over without any change. The daughter is a slut, the son is a slut, the daughter is a slut, the son is a slut. Over and over with nothing to say beyond “Isn’t funny that they are all so obsessed with sex?” The only real emotional core is the husband and wife reconciling their emotional distance, and the family unit growing to trust one another. However they don’t really grow beyond “Wow dad thanks for getting me out of those rape charges!” So uh... Yeah I don’t think this movie has any real value that I can find. If you like mellow comedies and can overlook some of the more toxic elements... maybe you’ll like it? I don’t think this is the worst Disney movie, not by far. However I can’t really think of much I enjoyed. It isn’t hateful it’s more just shallow and it ends up feeling like a waste of time.

Total Score: 11/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #59: Moon Pilot

Post #64

9/18/2020

Next up is 1962′s Moon Pilot

Enjoyment : [4]

This movie isn’t very good. The act of watching it is slow and uninteresting. There isn’t any build up or pay off, and the conflict is never more than just a slight inconvenience to the characters. There is also a big issue where it never seems to follow through on any plot thread. When it ends you feel like nothing was resolved, and nothing was set up that even needed resolving. It’s also very confused about what genre it wants to be. Is it a wacky family comedy? Is it a steamy romance? It is a tense spy thriller? The answer to all of this is no but also yes. While I enjoy some moments, they can’t really be enjoyed as a whole since they never mesh together.

Quality : [3]

This is a very poorly written movie. It is also very cheap since there are very few sets, and the special effects amount to one green screen shot and one cross dissolve to show “alien powers.” It has the aesthetic of a cheap made for TV movie and the barely a penny spent on anything of value. The writing is also pretty garbage. They set up the threat of space madness, since the monkey goes to space and comes back violent, and the alien girl has a cure to the space madness... but we never see the monkey again and I am pretty sure we never see the human pilot drink the cure to the space madness either. Was that intentional? Is the ending implying that he is just crazy and dies in space? The movie never says either way. You can almost sense the lack of an artistic direction with this movie. They tried too hard to be everything and ended up being nothing.

Hold up : [3]

This movie has a thick layer of ‘red scare’ to it, which fits the time period, but also means you have to watch a bunch of paranoid nationalists argue about how can hump the flag harder for an hour and a half. This movie also takes delight in sexualizing and mocking women. The protagonist is at least a passable level or respectful, but everyone else around him leers at women and the camera work makes them the but of many jokes. This movie is also super horny. It literally ends with the protagonist flying off to an alien planet so he can have never ending sex with alien babes. Normally I found find that very funny, but this movie tries to be a family friendly movie, so its more just wink wink nudge nudge the whole time. It doesn’t succeed at being family friendly and it doesn’t succeed at being raunchy either. I will note that they ALMOST pulled off the ‘born sexy yesterday’ trope, since Lyrae shows that her sweet innocent nature as more of a flirting technique than just genuine naïveté. She seems fully aware of consent and sex which is a lot more than most “born sexy yesterday” characters.

Risk : [3]

This movie is really limp. It has nothing important to say, and it does almost nothing to refute the creepy American Exceptionalism soaked into its bones. I can understand a little bit, since it was actually written DURING the red scare and space race... but that still doesn’t mean it isn’t hateful. It also uses this story of mankind first contact with aliens to... make sure on dude gets laid? I feel like you could have done more with a first contact story. I can’t really think of any other descriptor than ‘limp’ to describe this movies impact. It just flops on the floor and never goes anywhere.

Extra Credit : [1]

Some jokes land, and some scenes are charming. I appreciated that the protagonist wasn’t a sexist asshat, but that might have been more due to him being passive and bland. He had SOME himbo energy but not nearly enough to be fun.

Final thoughts:

Who was this movie for? Adults will be annoyed by the childish tone, and children will be annoyed by the lengthy political discussions. It is truly baffling to say that this movie has zero spectacle to it. I mean for god sakes there is a psychic shapeshifting alien lady in this movie and there is no fun make up, no alien costumes, no magic powers and no special effects beyond off screen teleportation and a single cross fade where she shows a ghost boy to the protagonist. This is the same studio that made 20,000 Leagues they couldn’t come up with ANYTHING cool for the alien lady to do? Have her use telekinesis or create illusions or shape-shift? I guess there is also almost no plot since it all boils down to the protagonist just being a little uncomfortable and his boss being a little demanding. Also because the alien lady can just like, teleport at will and do whatever she wants there is no conflict in her getting caught or failing to get the cure to the protagonist. Which I would like to repeat, we never see him drink the cure, the thing the entire plot revolves around. I guess we have to assume he drank it off screen or the entire movie ends up not making any sense. Give this one a skip you’ll just end up bored and confused by the end.

Total Score: 14/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #58: Babes in Toyland

Post #63

9/15/2020

Next up is 1961′s Babes in Toyland

Enjoyment : [4]

This movie is very charming, but in a completely unintentional way. None of the actual jokes or heartfelt moments land even in the slightest, but you still find yourself smiling because the movie failed in such a spectacular manner. It has the same feeling you get from watching a blooper reel. The story is a hot mess, and the budget is so low it might actually be in the negatives, but gosh darn is it earnest. The characters are not anything to write home about and the story meanders so badly that nothing is really resolved by the end. It just sorta... exists.

Quality : [4]

This movie is a very bizarre watch. The sets are colorful and fit the lighthearted cartoony tone, but they are also so cheap and poorly made that they miss ‘charming’ and end up in the ‘ugly’ territory. I would normally applaud the stylism of this movie, but you can tell the aesthetic only looks that way because they cut corners, not because they were trying to look that way. The story structure is also horrendous, with some characters contributing less than nothing to the plot, and huge plot points being dropped with no resolution. Like, Little Bo Peep loses her sheep, and the heroes end up in great peril trying to track those sheep down, and then the movie ends without a single sheep being found. Also ‘Toyland’ doesn’t even get mentioned until 1 hour into this 1 hour and 40 minute movie. The only reason this category doesn’t get a lower score, is because the singing and dancing is good enough to pull them up a tiny bit. The lyrics to the songs aren’t any good, but the actors give it their all regardless. 

Hold up : [3]

Yeah this movie isn’t a fan of minorities or women. There is some pretty cringe worthy depictions of “gypsies” (Seriously what is it with Disney and gypsies?) And it isn’t just a one off line its a whole scene and pivotal plot point that the gypsies steal children. Also there is a real apathy in the way this movie treats its female characters. Women are only ever damsels in distress or prizes to be won. The villain gets more than a little rapey, and there is line where Tom (the male lead) describes Mary (his love interest) as a “toy that belongs to him.” and it is meant to be romantic. Also there is an entire song about Mary not being able to function without a man to do all the thinking for her. She has to balance her household budget and she basically turns to camera and says:

Risk : [3]

This movie is a bit of a snooze fest. The villains are cartoonish to the point where any moral decrying them is totally lost. It isn’t really fun, it doesn’t challenge anything and it isn’t willing to spend the effort to say anything. You’d assume because of the storybook aesthetic there would be some mother goose style lessons to impart on the kids, but nope. Come to think of it, Mother Goose disappears entirely from the movie despite being the narrator. I don’t think she’s even in the final wedding scene. Wow this movie really just doesn’t care does it? 

Extra Credit : [2]

Some jokes made me laugh, and there are some imaginative moments. I really like some of the dancing, and Gene Sheldon got to shine with some classic clownery. Clownery always gets a free extra credit point in my book.

Final thoughts:

Fun fact: This movie gave my dad nightmares as a kid. The scene with the talking trees is actually kinda creepy. Which leads me to my main point: This movie is just a rip off of The Wizard of Oz. There is a dark clothes villain after our sweet but naive heroine, a quirky inventor is a massive magical city, talking trees, a spooky forest scene and lots of musical numbers. But somehow, despite having a smaller budget and also being made twenty years prior, The Wizard of Oz looks a million times better than Babes in Toyland. The songs are better, the characters more memorable and the sets look worlds more convincing despite having the same cartoony aesthetic. This movie is a baffling slog from start to finish, it’s best aspects getting buried under the pure laziness behind the craft. The filmmaking is just not skilled enough to accomplish anything worthwhile. Honestly this movie just feels phoned in and I personally could not get swept up in the fantasy no matter how hard I tried.

Total Score: 16/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #57: Greyfriar’s Bobby

Post #62

9/10/2020

Next up is 1961′s Greyfrair’s Bobby

Enjoyment : [5]

Did I enjoy this movie? No. Did I NOT enjoy this movie? Also no. This movie illicits a lot of emotions from me, but like, all neutral emotions. Is it boring? No it’s not boring. Is it entertaining? I am not sure. The plot revolves around a very slow debate over the ownership of a dog after his original master dies. There isn’t really a villain, or a protagonist, or much of a conflict beyond who will pay the fine for a license. This SOUNDS like it would make for a very boring watch, but it wasn’t. The characters are all well rounded and have good writing behind them, and the dog is a very good boy who you want to see happy... But there is just a melancholy that lays over the whole production. This movie gave me the same feeling I had, when I had to clear out the belongings of a deceased family member. There wasn’t so much a pointed sadness, but more of a faint uncomfortableness dealing with items who have no one to belong to. This movie made me uncomfortable, but that was also very clearly the movies intention, so did it succeed or fail? I don’t know. I just feel like I need a hug.

Quality : [4]

There is nothing to say in terms of cinematography. I saw a few motivated shots, but nothing really stood out. The camera work is subpar but luckily the writing saves it. I like that all the characters speak in this very understated and realistic manner. The script meanders a bit but that fits since the dog also meanders back and forth throughout the story. I don’t really have much to say since this is just such a neutral movie. I can’t say much negative about it.

Hold up : [5]

This movie has no overtly hateful messages. The characters are mostly respectful to one another and there are a few named female characters (although they don’t talk to one another.) Since this is a historical movie about an actual place and actual events it represents reality as best it can. Any questionable aspects that popped up where not worth subtracting points, since it felt historically accurate without supporting it. (Like, one kid makes a dated comment about his own disability but it’s like, yeah a kid in that time period would probably talk like that.) I also kinda liked its take on the law. While the ending is a little forced, having a character point out that what is legal and what is moral are not the same thing. Good moral, even if it only comes up towards the very end.

Risk : [6]

This movie is pretty safe for the most part. The place where it really stands out is in how it depicts death. It just sorta happens without much fanfare to someone who didn’t deserve it, and the time that comes after was long, painful and uncomfortable. There is a distinct lack of fairy tale magic to this movie and I think it is better for it? It went out of it’s way to be honest even if that meant being less child friendly and that deserves some respect. 

Extra Credit : [2]

This movie has some charm to it. I like how the two old men open up their hearts bit by bit and end up happier because of it. I am a sucker for defrosting grumpy older characters. I also liked how the orphans all got happy endings and help from the wealthier adults. 

Final thoughts:

I really can’t find words to describe this movie. It isn’t bad, it isn’t great and it isn’t boring. I know a lot of things this movie ISN’T but I am having trouble putting into words what this movie is? Maybe that’s the point. This movie is about the void death leaves behind, and it ends up feeling like a void in the process. There isn’t really a happy ending for Bobby since the only thing he wants is his master back. We want Bobby to be happy but we also know that can never happen. He has new people who love him, but the movie makes it clear that they don’t fill the emptiness left behind. We don’t get much in terms of closure or even structure, and we as the audience feel that void in every frame and even after the movie is over. The reason I am not jumping for joy declaring this some sort of experimental masterpiece is that I have no way of knowing how intentional any of this way on behalf of the filmmakers. The camera does not feel motivated enough to be pushing this feeling on purpose, and if this sort of void was their goal from the start, the camera would have reflected this in someway. I might just be projecting my own experiences with death onto this movie a bit and so I feel like I can’t land anywhere definitively on it. If you want to unravel this feeling for yourself, it is free on youtube.  If you want to watch two sad Scottish men debate ownership of a sad dog for an hour and a half this is the movie for you.

Also, the dog playing Bobby is a good boy. 

Total Score: 22/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #56: Nikki Wild Dog Of The North

Post #61

9/8/2020

Next up is 1961′s Nikki Wild Dog Of The North

Content Warning: Animal Death, Animal Abuse, Dogfighting

Enjoyment : [2]

This movie is very hard to enjoy. The biggest issue is that it is live action, and not animated. A lost puppy and a lost bear cub having to work together to survive in the wilderness is cute on paper, but horrifying to watch in live action. The Animals are clearly in great distress on screen, and put into actual danger at several points. For about 75% movie I was just cringing in my seat, praying that it would end quickly so the animals could stop getting abused. It does pick up a bit towards the end, but it is not enough to save it. I found myself deeply uncomfortable during this movie and I don’t think it should have been made. Maybe it could have worked in animation with the same script, but we will never know.

Quality : [2]

This movie is very poorly made, with the sound, editing and especially the lighting worse than most student films. There is a ton of ‘Day for Night’ where they just film during the day and then crank up the blue values. In a baffling decision, They film the dog actually on screen with bears, wolves and foxes, but not on screen with the humans? There are several points in this movie where The humans are supposed to be interacting directly with Nikki, and Nikki is only shown in cut aways that are clearly not shot in a different location at a different time of day. Why did they take the time to throw this dog to live grizzly bears, but not take the time to film a human dude petting him? It reeks of misplaced priorities, and almost makes it feel like they went out of the way to endanger the dog. The script is also really flimsy for a majority of the movie, with a narrator just sorta speaking over B-roll like this was another attempt at Perri.

Hold up : [2]

Yeah they killed several dogs and several bears during this movie. Really early on, there is a shot of a bear cub falling off a cliff and I don’t think it was a dummy, I think someone actually shoved a bear cub off a cliff to get that shot. Which is again, totally baffling since later in the movie ANOTHER bear falls off a cliff but they filmed it in such a way that it was staged and the bear was never in harm. What is with this movie going out of it’s way to make SURE that these animals suffer? This movie also has a character who abuses animals and is racist towards Native Americans. He is the clear villain and is unsympathetic but it is still worth noting.

Risk : [3]

This movie is really oddly structured and it goes out of it’s way to not take risks. You’d assume that Nikki and Neewa, the dog and the bear would be the emotional core of the movie but Neewa just vanishes halfway through (understandably, since he is a bear, and needs to hibernate) The core fo the movie becomes the relationship between Nikki and his former owner Andre, who has not been in the movie since the opening. It hobbles it’s emotional punch when it builds up one relationship and then jumps to building another. It would have been better to show Andre looking for Nikki or have Neewa come rescue Nikki in the end. Also while he still falls into the ‘ignorant savage’ trope a bit, Makoki is a Native American character who is sympathetic and gets a character arc. I guess that’s something.

Extra Credit : [1]

This movie almost becomes a movie at the very end, with some actual tension and characters clashing with one another in interesting ways. However, it was a little too late.

Final thoughts:

This movie is a big mess. The same way I can never rewatch a movie like Milo & Otis once you know how many animals died to get the shots they needed, I can’t really stomach this movie. This is easily the worst movie I have seen since A Light in The Forest. The story really could have been something special if they just animated it. Seeing unlikely friendships between animals is always cute, but in real life those don’t happen if you force it. Even though I am certain they trained the bears and the dogs beforehand, it is clear this wasn’t a bloodless filming experience. The moment where Andre captures Neewa is kinda gut-wrenching since the actor is ACTUALLY wrestling the bear to the ground and it is really violent. Also I don’t know where else to mention this, but they used stock sound effects for the bear cub, and those sound effects are the same ones later used for LUMPY of the beloved Star Wars Christmas Special fame.

Pictured: “My Son, Lumpawaroo, before everything went wrong...”

-We could have saved him... and yet we did nothing.-

Total Score: 10/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #55: The Parent Trap

Post #60

9/6/2020

Next up is 1961′s The Parent Trap.

Enjoyment : [4]

I am sad to report that this movie is rather boring. The gags can occasionally be funny but there is not a lot of character motivation to make them more than shallow chuckles. Susan and Sharon have some individuality but as it goes on they basically become functionally the same person ironically. The adults never get enough depth to warrant investment and so the emotional moments don’t really land with the proper weight. Overall I think this movies biggest sin is just how boring it ends up. We jump between Susan and Sharon far too often in the first half for them to bond with their estranged parents, and then we don’t get enough time with the parents reunited to rekindle their romance. It is all just so shallow.

Quality : [3]

This movie is very sloppily made. The biggest sin is just how poorly the actor doubling is. They didn’t hire actual twins they had one child actor, and a body double in a wig. There are several shots where you can see the body doubles face and the split screen effect is nothing to write home about. When you realize that one twins face is always obscured by something, you can never unsee it. Why not just hire actual twins? You may ask. Keep in mind Hayley Mills was already in a Disney movie and probably had a fixed payment contract, so it was cheaper to just hire a low paid extra in a wig than find new actors and write up new contracts. The rest of the movie isn’t anything special either. The editing is very basic and there is no motivation behind the camera. Overall a very dull movie from a technical sense.

Hold up : [2]

This movie opens with the line“Bless our broken home!” and I remember saying to myself “They better not say that divorce is always a mistake” and... yeah that’s kinda where the movie lands on the subject, save one brief conversation that is quickly proven wrong. There is also a pretty racist moment where they focus on  dressing up like a “gypsy” and it lasts about 10 seconds but was evidently important enough to make it into the wikipedia synopsis. Also, this movie really hates women. Vicky is shown to be a scheming gold digger trying to steal the dad’s money. However, at no point do any of the character get actual proof that she is a gold digger. They just hate her and play mean pranks on her and say really hateful stuff to her purely based on a hunch. They could have solved this with one scene of the twins overhearing Vicky talking about her evil plan (she monologues several times.) But this never happens. They just hate her because she is young, blonde and hot. It came across as really weird and specifically degrading in a very sexist way. It actually makes the protagonists really unlikable since they have very little justification for their actions beyond jealousy.

Risk : [4]

This movie remains very comfortably on the side of traditional marriage between a man and woman. The adults come across as very complex because they frankly state why their relationship didn’t work out, but then just decide to get remarried without any real change on either persons part. The comedy is not very subversive and the plot is very pedestrian. I feel like this was a step back from some of the previous live action movies. At least Pollyanna had a lovely aesthetic and Absent Minded Professor had it’s charm. This movie doesn’t really have anything to say.

Extra Credit : [1]

The pranks at the start are kinda funny, but honestly I laughed more at the bad effects than any actual joke.

Final thoughts:

It’s funny, thinking about how Absent Minded Professor and The Parent Trap came out back to back, and both got remakes. I am going to make a prediction right now, that the remake of Absent Minded Professor will not be as good as the original, and the remake of The Parent Trap will be superior to the original. The three biggest issues with this movie are as follows: The effects are bad in a very un-charming way, since they come across as lazy and not just low quality. Next is how the movie feels very defensive of traditional marriage. It always feels like the movie WANTS to declare that divorce is pure evil, but also knows it can’t come out and just say that. The last issue is how mean spirited the treatment of Vicky ends up coming across. An evil villain getting humiliated is fine, but only if the heroes KNOW they are the villain. Imagine watching Superman beat a random stranger to death because he “felt like it” even if that stranger is revealed to be a super villain. It feels like that to me.  I also want to say, that divorce is not always a bad thing. Sure it sucks when it happens but if a relationship makes one or both parties unhappy, you are in no obligation to stay even it would be ‘easier’ for the kids. Divorces are not just little ‘oopsies’ that you can later undo, they usually have legitimate reasons to happen. They should have put more effort into showing the mom and dad growing as people who can be in a relationship again, not just “I guess we should give it another shot because we are still in love.” Like they both still love each other and both still want to be in a relationship despite not having changed at all? Then why did they get a divorce in the first place? Didn’t intend to rant but that specific aspect really bugged me. Media tends to frame divorced characters as “going to end up back together eventually” and that is not how it goes in real life. Having the kids learn that their parents are wonderful individuals and that them getting back together is not realistic would have been a way better narrative.

Total Score: 14/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #54: The Absent Minded Professor

Post #59

9/2/2020

Next up is 1961′s The Absent Minded Professor (which you may know better as ‘Flubber’ since the remake is way more popular.)

Enjoyment : [6]

I have to level with you guys, this movie kinda slaps. Like, it still has a lot of pitfalls typical to a Disney live action movie around this period, but it just sorta works. The gags are funny, and they mix up visual humor, ironic humor, wordplay and even situation humor. I think the fact that this movie is willing to be silly and leans into its own ridiculousness is a major plus. I found myself laughing more than once and I don’t think I have laughed during this project for a very long time. I think the commitment to the gags, and the well timed reactions really sell a lot of moments that would normally come across as cringe worthy. Call me crazy but this movie has some real charm to it.

Quality : [4]

Let me say two things. One: This movie has really bad effects. Two: That doesn’t really matter. Why can I say this? The effects never look realistic, even when compared to previous movies on this list, but they are funny to see and fit the tone. It has the same feeling of a theater set. It isn’t trying to be realistic so it never feels like it’s failing to convince us. I had to admit there are a lot of sloppy edits here and there but there is an equal amount of clever edits to more than make up for it. In the end I had to take away points since the craft as a whole feels very cheap, but I added on a lot of extra credit for all the moments that made me chuckle for their earnestness. The script isn’t terribly strong, but there were a few good moments of visual storytelling that were worth appreciating. 

Hold up : [4]

This movie is a tad bit dated. The love interest gets a lot more to say and do than previous movies, but she is still held back from being more than just a prize for the hero to win. While there is nothing blatantly offensive in this movie, there isn’t much in terms of good morals. Although it is nice to see a scientist as the protagonist instead of a cackling evil villain.

Risk : [4]

I think this movie keeps it very safe. There are a lot of repeated actors and in the end they just give flubber to the military, which feels a little morbid considering how it will be like, immediately weaponized. Imagine a movie like this being made today where the protagonist makes a magical serum that can heal any wound, and then says “Boy this will make killing our enemies a lot easier for our soldiers!” It feels a little tone deaf. I am not sure what else Disney could have done to make this movie stand out more, maybe flesh out the characters with more depth. However, this is the curse of a comedy, if you don’t focus enough on the jokes it isn’t funny, and if you don’t focus on the characters it isn’t compelling. I guess I am glad that they put effort into the jokes this time. When compared to The Shaggy Dog this feels like a 200% better version of that movie.

Extra Credit : [5]

Boy oh boy I love a lot of little things about this movie. Like when the villain is stuck jumping up and down, they show us his point of view from a camera on a vertical lift. The flying car is a practical effect on a hidden lift or pulley system. The effects of the jumping basketball players is pretty sloppy, for the most part they hid the harnesses. I also like some of the subtle jokes, like how the son of the villain never really reacts to any of the strangeness, or the different branches of the military acting like children to get their hands on flubber. They even make a joke about how congress doesn’t deserve to exist and that is a joke I can get behind in 2020.

Final thoughts:

Wow I think I actually really liked this movie. It has a ton of little flaws that I lambasted previous movies for having. However, I think it gets away with it by being so genuinely silly and fun to watch. This is a perfect example of tone overriding quality. If you make me laugh I am way more forgiving than I would normally be. If this movie doesn’t match your sense of humor, I have a feeling that you won’t be able to enjoy it at all. However, if you watch up to the basketball scene and it has made you chuckle a few time, it is worth watching to the end. This was a very childish movie but it still managed to charm me. Despite it’s flaws I think it still deserves the:

*Diamond in the Rough*:

Watch this movie if you haven’t.

Total Score: 23/50

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[everydisneymovie]

Review #53: 101 Dalmatians

Post #58

9/1/2020

Next up is 1961′s 101 Dalmatians

Enjoyment : [6]

This is a very cute movie. It feels like an evolution of Lady and The Tramp both in style and tone. The dogs are cute, the humans are generally likable and the slapstick antics with the bumbling villains are satisfying on their own. The tone and comedy really carry this movie, especially when the characters do not. The humans don’t get enough screen time, and the dogs mostly just act the way you’d expect dogs to act. While I think as a whole this is a stronger movie than Lady and the Tramp, at least Lady and Tramp have some character beyond just ‘dog.’ One really strong point is how this movie builds tension. We know in no uncertain terms what will happen if the puppies get caught. We see what is stopping them from escaping, and then we see them formulate a plan to bypass the roadblock. That is exactly how you build good tension and manages to get you invested a fair amount.

Quality : [7]

This is a very nice looking movie and it takes some interesting departures from previous animated films. Thanks to new copying techniques this movie is a lot more fluid in its animation, and it has a very scratchy almost charcoal sketch style to it’s art direction. It is very clear that this is a movie was made in the 60′s as it draws from pop art and modern art for it’s character designs and backgrounds. It abandons the previous painterly style of the 40′s and 50′s for something closer to rough ink work. This is appropriate for the subject, considering we mostly see Dalmatians on screen. I also noticed that there is a great deal of effort put into the vehicles. Thanks to very subtle rotoscoping, it almost tricked my eye into believing the cars were 3D animated somehow. With 101 characters to individually animate, it makes sense that they relied on looping and duplicated animations, but they do a very good job offsetting it with unique animations to distract the eye. For example, they will draw 1 basic running animation and loop it three times, to create three puppies all running at staggered intervals, then animate a unique cycle for a puppy climbing over an obstacle and that helps you accept the repetition. It is a very smartly made film, which was exactly what Disney needed after the financial loss they took with Sleeping Beauty. It was cheaply made but it never feels cheap which deserves recognition. 

Hold up : [4]

Luckily there is nothing grossly offensive about this movie. No overt racism from what I saw, but again that can be attributed to ‘everyone on screen was white’ rather than any actual diversity. On the other hand, this movie writes it’s female characters very lazily. Anita is just a love interest, with no given back story or motivation. We learn nothing about her and she is simply there to be Rogers wife. She is also drawn very conservatively compared to the more stylized way Roger is drawn which always sucks to see. Pongo and Perdita are also an issue, since Pongo displays more personality throughout the movie, while Perdita is confined to ‘concerned mother’ and little else. Nanny is a somewhat interesting female character but she doesn’t get enough screen-time or nuance in my opinion. Cruella is interesting villain, since she is very clearly evil for evils sake, and genuinely frightening at times. However I feel like she is given no backstory or motivation beyond being selfish. She is not the worst Disney villain so far but also not the best.

Risk : [6]

I think this movie lands in the perfect middle ground between ‘cheaply made’ and ‘well made’ There is a real efficiency to the writing, animation and framing. Although I worry that this might set a bad precedent for future movies. This movie works with its rougher edges because the tone is. jazzy, almost free form. I feel like this style is going to be slapped onto future projects without the stylish behind it. Still I really have to applaud the effort put into making this movie look and feel good. For what it is, it is harmless and fun. I will always take harmless and fun over hurtful or boring. 

Extra Credit : [3]

I like the sound design and art direction of this movie. It reminds me of the art of Saul Bass and even french pop art. It is fun to see a Disney movie branch out in terms of its aesthetics. I also really liked the subtle touches like some of the facial animations, the background details and the frenetic way they animated Cruella driving her car.

Final thoughts:

This is the first Disney animated movie where I generally could not find anything ‘bad’ about it. It has a series of minor flaws but none of them really kill this movie. If they fleshed out Roger and Anita, this could have been a really great film. I also think if they had a bigger budget they could have really made this movie pop with some shading animations. It was noticeable that characters passed through light and dark environments with no visual change to their color and that bugged me a tiny bit. It was also interesting to search for any reused animations. Anita is basically just Aurora or Wendy, and Nanny is just Flora. Also, they included a bunch of the dogs from Lady and the Tramp meaning we now have an extended animated universe. Also weird note, the cartoon the dogs are watching after they get captured was from the Academy Award Review of Walt Disney Cartoons. This means it is tied for the record of [3] but I feel like future cameos in animated movies are going to be a real contender moving forward. This movie manages to hold up a good amount and I fully recommend it. It is not terrible. 

Total Score: 26/50

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