The Evil Baron @evilbaron - Tumblr Blog

((No gore version))

@mrknightside arcane moving scroll time my dear Helm?

Ouh yes! Shall I take off my cloak? I don't believe I can take off my armor, but I could try doing that, too? To get comfortable?

Oh- uh if you please! I want you to be comfortable as possible my dear Helm. Would you like blankets or popped corn?

Yes, yes, blankets would be nice. I'm not sure how I'd eat popped corn without removing my visor, but if you'd like to stick it through my eye slit, I would enjoy that. Ignore the slimy texture, that's normal for helmets.

Right right right, and I’ve always said this of you, the texture, of course, completely normal. But yes! You may have this blanket… unless of course it is too small in which you can share mine…

Have thou seen “Whence Harold met Sarah?” Tis perhaps one of my favorite arcane movie scrolls.

I've not seen it! I'm delighted you asked me to watch it with you, sir. If you wish to share a blanket, you can always ask.

Of course… I want to uh… share things with you Helm… including uh… the blanket…

And the popped corn?

Shared… between us…

Uh… umm… @mrknightside *scoots closer* is this ok?

If it's comfortable for you, of course! I would recommend some sort of cloth between us, however. Parts of my armor [my skin] are sharp, and I'm sure some are rusting :)

Of course it is, I feel completely and utterly at home with you nearest to me. *my hand grazes your armor* and I’m sure that tis true my sellsword, but I wouldn’t mind if it cut me, or harmed me for a bit. Anything to remind me that you are there, next to me, for even a moment, and my heart stays still. My anxieties go away… and all I see is you.

I, uh... sir. Weren't you the one to ask me to stay professional? I- I enjoy this, I just...

Did I? Oh… I am sorry Helm… I do not mean to throw you every which way… when didst-? Oh… my apologies… I guess I forget myself.

#the evil baron #helm the merc #the Helm saga

@mrknightside *I grab your gauntlet* I do not means to push you away… I am… I am lost without you. I want you in my castle, I want you in my keep, I want you… with me..

#ummm woof woof #no I will not comment any further

If I were to hunt you down, would you run? If this invisible leash around my neck were to snap, would you be afraid? If I tore off my helmet and pressed my teeth to your throat, would you scream? If you saw what a monster lay under my armor, would you turn away?

Okay out of character for a sec, do we think “Wheneth Harold met Sarah” is still a movie about two friends who meet and later fall in love but Harold is a Viking and Sarah is a Princess? Or am I just weird?

#whence Harold met Sarah

feathered-royal

Would you think me a tyrant if I burned down all the towns that stood between us just to have less people in the way of my love

gremlinservant

Don't worry about it

There is still a chance, Baron, I hear the beginnings of a duel… that may or may not have been partially caused by my meddling You may tend to it once it returns. Yet another opportunity to charm!

(nooo I meant attempt to charm it, I felt I had to clarify but I don’t think I was clear enough))

Ahhhh that makes sense, I thought I’d heard of this somewhere. Hmmmmmm okay okay okay I shall try…

(Oooooh I thought you meant a kiss lol, I was like Baron is nowhere ready for it yet, well maybe at heart he is but the evil whump writer within isn’t)

#the evil baron #evil asks #eviler answers

Thou mayest still recoverrr, day that you were not thinking clearly prior

Attempt!

(don’t kys))

What day was I not thinking clearly??? Gods be good I feel like a rain cloud passes over my mind constantly… ATTEMPT??? Nay thou cant be serious??? Nay! Unless… but nay… unless? But nay still I can not… unless?

(Never kill yourself)

#evil asks #eviler answers #the evil baron #you heard it here first #the evil baron does not support mental unwellness or suicidal ideation

juunipupu

Knight and the enemy within - rust and rot [alt version of this]

Yes, yes you did well, It is likely flustered

Do not be dismayed (some sort of medieval messaging)

I hear it is easily seduced

NOOOOOOO I DROPPED THE BALL, fuck my stupid chungus evil fricking noble life.

#evil asks #eviler answers #the evil baron

@mrknightside arcane moving scroll time my dear Helm?

Ouh yes! Shall I take off my cloak? I don't believe I can take off my armor, but I could try doing that, too? To get comfortable?

Oh- uh if you please! I want you to be comfortable as possible my dear Helm. Would you like blankets or popped corn?

Yes, yes, blankets would be nice. I'm not sure how I'd eat popped corn without removing my visor, but if you'd like to stick it through my eye slit, I would enjoy that. Ignore the slimy texture, that's normal for helmets.

Right right right, and I’ve always said this of you, the texture, of course, completely normal. But yes! You may have this blanket… unless of course it is too small in which you can share mine…

Have thou seen “Whence Harold met Sarah?” Tis perhaps one of my favorite arcane movie scrolls.

I've not seen it! I'm delighted you asked me to watch it with you, sir. If you wish to share a blanket, you can always ask.

Of course… I want to uh… share things with you Helm… including uh… the blanket…

And the popped corn?

Shared… between us…

Uh… umm… @mrknightside *scoots closer* is this ok?

If it's comfortable for you, of course! I would recommend some sort of cloth between us, however. Parts of my armor [my skin] are sharp, and I'm sure some are rusting :)

Of course it is, I feel completely and utterly at home with you nearest to me. *my hand grazes your armor* and I’m sure that tis true my sellsword, but I wouldn’t mind if it cut me, or harmed me for a bit. Anything to remind me that you are there, next to me, for even a moment, and my heart stays still. My anxieties go away… and all I see is you.

I, uh... sir. Weren't you the one to ask me to stay professional? I- I enjoy this, I just...

#the evil baron #helm the merc #the helm saga

Did I? Oh… I am sorry Helm… I do not mean to throw you every which way… when didst-? Oh… my apologies… I guess I forget myself.

@mrknightside arcane moving scroll time my dear Helm?

Ouh yes! Shall I take off my cloak? I don't believe I can take off my armor, but I could try doing that, too? To get comfortable?

Oh- uh if you please! I want you to be comfortable as possible my dear Helm. Would you like blankets or popped corn?

Yes, yes, blankets would be nice. I'm not sure how I'd eat popped corn without removing my visor, but if you'd like to stick it through my eye slit, I would enjoy that. Ignore the slimy texture, that's normal for helmets.

Right right right, and I’ve always said this of you, the texture, of course, completely normal. But yes! You may have this blanket… unless of course it is too small in which you can share mine…

Have thou seen “Whence Harold met Sarah?” Tis perhaps one of my favorite arcane movie scrolls.

I've not seen it! I'm delighted you asked me to watch it with you, sir. If you wish to share a blanket, you can always ask.

Of course… I want to uh… share things with you Helm… including uh… the blanket…

And the popped corn?

Shared… between us…

Uh… umm… @mrknightside *scoots closer* is this ok?

If it's comfortable for you, of course! I would recommend some sort of cloth between us, however. Parts of my armor [my skin] are sharp, and I'm sure some are rusting :)

#ughhh that’s worse for sure #helm the merc #the evil baron #the helm saga

Of course it is, I feel completely and utterly at home with you nearest to me. *my hand grazes your armor* and I’m sure that tis true my sellsword, but I wouldn’t mind if it cut me, or harmed me for a bit. Anything to remind me that you are there, next to me, for even a moment, and my heart stays still. My anxieties go away… and all I see is you.

@mrknightside arcane moving scroll time my dear Helm?

Ouh yes! Shall I take off my cloak? I don't believe I can take off my armor, but I could try doing that, too? To get comfortable?

Oh- uh if you please! I want you to be comfortable as possible my dear Helm. Would you like blankets or popped corn?

Yes, yes, blankets would be nice. I'm not sure how I'd eat popped corn without removing my visor, but if you'd like to stick it through my eye slit, I would enjoy that. Ignore the slimy texture, that's normal for helmets.

Right right right, and I’ve always said this of you, the texture, of course, completely normal. But yes! You may have this blanket… unless of course it is too small in which you can share mine…

Have thou seen “Whence Harold met Sarah?” Tis perhaps one of my favorite arcane movie scrolls.

I've not seen it! I'm delighted you asked me to watch it with you, sir. If you wish to share a blanket, you can always ask.

Of course… I want to uh… share things with you Helm… including uh… the blanket…

And the popped corn?

Shared… between us…

#the evil baron has a heart trust #<- this tag FUCKING HAUNTS ME #anytime I type my own damn name #anywho…#not at all relevant

Uh… umm… @mrknightside *scoots closer* is this ok?

@mrknightside arcane moving scroll time my dear Helm?

Ouh yes! Shall I take off my cloak? I don't believe I can take off my armor, but I could try doing that, too? To get comfortable?

Oh- uh if you please! I want you to be comfortable as possible my dear Helm. Would you like blankets or popped corn?

Yes, yes, blankets would be nice. I'm not sure how I'd eat popped corn without removing my visor, but if you'd like to stick it through my eye slit, I would enjoy that. Ignore the slimy texture, that's normal for helmets.

Right right right, and I’ve always said this of you, the texture, of course, completely normal. But yes! You may have this blanket… unless of course it is too small in which you can share mine…

Have thou seen “Whence Harold met Sarah?” Tis perhaps one of my favorite arcane movie scrolls.

I've not seen it! I'm delighted you asked me to watch it with you, sir. If you wish to share a blanket, you can always ask.

Of course… I want to uh… share things with you Helm… including uh… the blanket…

And the popped corn?

#the evil baron #helm the merc #the helm saga

Shared… between us…

Fuck it I’m just gonna Baron my evil shit from now on.

I can't help but notice you haven't committed many acts of evil, Baron.

What's that about? Do you need help being evil? I could give you some pointers, if you'd like.

Hey- for your information I’ve kidnapped a prince, thank you very much. I’m plenty evil thank you very much.

You keep giving him whatever he wants, sir.

NO- I’m being courteous…

Please, your kidnapping is mildly mischievous at best.

Having a royal in your possession is a great opportunity for evil though.

Go on

Mess with him

your-kneeling-knight

I am watching from afar if I need to come get him—he is under my protection, but he did ASK to get kidnapped and royals need their fun now and then so… treat @sun-yearning well or I’m breaking down the door.

From my experience they like it when you're a little bit evil.

Have you considered trying it yourself?

I think there’s a lot being said and a lot of words shoved around who knows where… but sure if you wanna talk evil shop I guess go head.

Alright, so it all depends on what your goal is with your evil.

If you just like death and torture and such it's pretty easy, you find someone to do that too and you're good to go. But you don't strike me as that type.

If you want to gain power through marriage you can always have that as his release condition. A royal wedding could be binding even when signed under duress if you find the right evil lawyer. Ensuring that the bards and historians only have access to your side of the story will save you a lot of trouble too. People love a good enemies to lovers story, tell them that's what happened. Do Not allow your captive contact with anyone who isn't a loyal servant of yours.

Regardless of what you want out of your evil you might want to consider taking one of his loved ones too. "Good People" or "Heroes" are often able to endure far more sufferimg personally than they are willing to allow their family or friends to endure. Use this to your advantage.

I'm assuming you have a torturer on staff?

Okay okay- lots of information- evil information, but I’m taking notes. *literally scribbling in a purple diary labeled “Evil”* I’m not a huge torturer no- but I do have a torturer on staff, his name is Jacob, and then there his trainee Rebecca. Jacob doesn’t like it when I say it publicly but they’re kind of an item! They’re cute.

Anywho you were saying? Oooooo yes… I could get a royal match out of this, what do you think your Highness? @sun-yearning do you think your parents would approve of a match between me and anyone in your family? Or do I still need to prove myself before I can openly court them?

Oh well I have to let them talk to their knight!! I don’t want to give either of them separation anxiety… that would be cruel.

Oooooo I could kidnap their knight! That way they can be together!! Great idea Sir Thorn. Great idea!!

sun-yearning

First of all I take great offence to @your-kneeling-knight’s accusation. I think you’ll find my words were—and I quote—“I sure do hope NO evil brooding noble kidnaps me”. I was quite specific

Also most evil schemes don’t have you.. asking the person you wish to force into a politically marriage. That seems rather counterintuitive. Though I’m not evil (much) so what do I know

I also don’t think more kidnapping is the answer I’m afraid, a large portion of my knights do bite

So uh… is that a no on the marriage pact?

sun-yearning

Okay—well—I didn’t say that. You’ve been kind enough as is, and I can’t deny the odd.. luxuries.. that I’ve been afforded. There are certainly worse options

Soooo like… you would marry the Baron- I mean me? Or what?

sun-yearning

I.. suppose if this is how the ransom is being lifted, and it keeps my kingdom safe.

I’m not sure why the room suddenly seemed to chill and there was an edge to your voice I cannot trust

#sun.yearns #the marriage arc begins (?????)#(but sinisterly)#the evil baron

I mean g-gold works too… I uh… must consult with my @your-evil-adviser to see what he thinks. My apologies dear Prince.

@mrknightside arcane moving scroll time my dear Helm?

Ouh yes! Shall I take off my cloak? I don't believe I can take off my armor, but I could try doing that, too? To get comfortable?

Oh- uh if you please! I want you to be comfortable as possible my dear Helm. Would you like blankets or popped corn?

Yes, yes, blankets would be nice. I'm not sure how I'd eat popped corn without removing my visor, but if you'd like to stick it through my eye slit, I would enjoy that. Ignore the slimy texture, that's normal for helmets.

Right right right, and I’ve always said this of you, the texture, of course, completely normal. But yes! You may have this blanket… unless of course it is too small in which you can share mine…

Have thou seen “Whence Harold met Sarah?” Tis perhaps one of my favorite arcane movie scrolls.

I've not seen it! I'm delighted you asked me to watch it with you, sir. If you wish to share a blanket, you can always ask.