âclementineâ - Halsey
Each day we are faced with new choices, new decisions, and new paths. We have the choice to take an easy path, or the hard path. We have the choice to fight or suffer in silence. I like to think that I grew and learned choose my battles as well as when to give my opinion. I have recently been facing a new path that I have been looking into but I am so scared if it. My husband and I have been exploring the world of Polyamory. The world sounds so nice, free, and loving. My brain in the other hand loves the light it brings, but my brain sees everything as also a dark and scary forest. A forest growling the uncertainty at me.
Each time I think about it I feel thrilled, but I also get this sinking feeling in my stomach. A feeling that pulls at my very core, the thought if my husband holding another man like he holds me, confessing attachment or feelings. Will I be pushed out the picture? Will I even find someone(s) to connect with? Will everyone figure out how boring I am? Why am I feeling jealous? They say these feelings come from somewhere, some other root cause to them. What if you know where they come from but you just can't get them to stop? Was I always this broken? Am I the only one who feels this way or has felt this way?
There is no clear answers and I know this, I know the answers are with in me, and sometimes the experiences of others can help. We have heard and met couples that it has actually worked for. A Primary relationship, and then Secondary relationships. Guidelines(rules/laws make it seem like there is no room fir mistakes) to follow, communication, and being sure that your focus stay on your marriage while communicating but also connecting with others. Imagine, being able to come home to your lover and them listening with love while you tell them about as connection you made or some fun you have been having with someone that cares and respects you? Sounds so amazing, sounds so thrilling, and free. Free to love, free for fun, and free to let your lover have their own life outside of you. Being your own person, and have individuality to be your best self. While still loving the same man, who is your biggest fan. Where is my hang up? Has it been so beat into me about monogamy and just one true love?
Why is it only one true love? If you marry someone and the love changes or even leaves, does that mean you never fall in love again? We see it everyday that someone who has lost their love, finds a new love and becomes happy again. If I love my husband so deeply, why should I wait for him to leave (divorce or death) to make other connections and share love with others? I am a firm believer that you never know who you will fall for (which is why I believe everyone is a bit pansexual) but also how many people you can fall fir at one time. I don't find open relationships, swingers, poly, fetish, etc to be icky. So again where is my hang ups?
My husband recently made a friend. For the first time I feel so anxious about this man, and my husband tells me he is not interested in him outside of friends (maybe with benefits). There is just something about this man that legit makes me so uneasy. He has NEVER done anything to me as well as I have now even hung out with him and he is super nice and so laid back. My husband is handsome and sexy, and it scares me to think that this other handsome man could possibly get to enjoy my husband as well. He is tall, dark, cultured, well built, and financially stable. Which scares me because when I look at me I think âshort, kinda tan, fat, dumpy, a financial, and mental messâ. I know my husband loves me and tells me how attractive I am, and I know its genuine and I can feel but, I still cannot find my hang up. Am I slightly jealous someone like this new guy has spoken to me? I feel like when I log into Grindr its always so quiet but my husband's phone is going off ALL DAY which leads me to think poly won't work because I am unattractive.I know it won't work because I cannot get through these feelings or stop comparing myself to others.
At this point in time I feel like such a burden, emotionally stunted, even like a child. New things are scaring me, frozen like a deer in headlights. Am I holding my husband back? After dealing with all my anxiety and mental issues will he just get fed up? Will he walk away? Will I walk away if we try it? What if it eats me alive? Why the hell am I like this? What in the actual FUCK is wrong with me? I have researched, I have listened to podcasts, read books, and I was even shown by my husband's friend an episode of Explore which had the topic of monogamy reviewed. It honestly is not a natural human thing, its something we have learned and forced to make natural. I will continue to work through my emotions and my growth and hopefully I will have made my decision on which path to choose. Once my anxiety is in check, I can stop making my own âwhat ifsâ, learn to work through jealousy, and learn some self worth.
I chose the song âclementineâ by Halsey because its deep and I think can help someone understand the softer side of me and the uncertainty I feel each day.
â I don't need anyone, I just need everyone and then someâ <3