Letâs talk about what demisexuality is not.
First off: what is demisexuality? We have to establish what it is to talk about what it isnât.
âdemisexualityâ describes not experiencing sexual attraction until a close bond is formed. This doesnât mean demis are attracted to everyone we bond with, and we can have differing desires towards sex. Demisexuals may or may not be demiromantic â theyâre not one and the same.
While demisexuals can also be demiromantic, this isnât true as a rule. Just like being asexual doesnât necessarily mean youâre aromantic. Itâs possible to be both, nothing wrong with that â but theyâre not inherently synonymous.
*For some people who are aroace, include demi aroaces, their sexual and romantic orientations are deeply intertwined and there isnât a big difference between the two. Other people use the split attraction model, which recognizes a difference in sexual and romantic orientations.
Many people think that âeveryone is demisexualâ because they read the definition and say âoh, thatâs just being normalâ. Theyâre confusing not experiencing sexual at ALL with waiting until a relationship is serious to have sex.
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation. The thing people confuse it with is a decision regarding sexual behavior that can be made regardless of orientationâ the decision to wait to have sex until youâre emotionally close. That decision can be made by anyone, demisexual or not.
Often people read the definition and say âIâm demisexual, I wait to have sex until itâs not just sex. I want emotional fulfillment too.â When itâs explained that demisexuals rarely have sexual attraction and only under certain conditions does it occur, one of two things happens:
they misunderstand and assume that demisexuals are also experiencing sexual attraction without the bond and just not acting on it, or
they begin to understand that thereâs a difference between sexual attraction and action.
More often than not itâs the former.
Itâs interesting that this misunderstanding happens when demisexuality is described because allosexuals (people who arenât ace) abstain from sex all the time but still feel sexual attraction. Thereâs this underlying assumption that everyone experiences sexual attraction.
But⊠just imagine that feeling of not being attracted and expand it. Itâs doubtful that you experience sexual attraction to every person you see is physically attractive. Just expand that and there you go. Or imagine it like not seeing a particular color until you suddenly can.
Demisexuals arenât all cisgender and heteroromantic. But thereâs nothing wrong with demis who are! If ace isnât enough for you to respect someone is LGBTQIA+, you donât understand or accept asexuality or the orientations under its spectrum.
Demisexuality is NOT âjust being a womanâ. Demisexuality also isnât âthe patriarchy convinced young girls not having casual sex was a sexualityâ.
Thereâs so much wrong with both of these, and they tie together, so I put them together here. Not only does this thinking see cis women and feminine people as being inherently âmoreâ asexual, it robs allos and aces alike of bodily autonomy towards sex and sexuality. It bleeds out from conservative Christianity â itâs the same ideas that lead us to abstinence only sex âeducationâ and that women must be sexually available at all times or their husband will cheat to âget his needs metâ. Saying that cis women & feminine people are just all demisexual or ace removes the bodily autonomy of those who want sex and those who donât by assigning a culturally acceptable narrative as more important than lived experience. But sexuality isnât limited by cisheterosexism.
The truth is there are still a lot of people learning theyâre under the asexual umbrella as educators and advocacy groups get education out there, and even in queer spaces asexuality isnât always accepted, let alone its spectrum. A lot of people donât even know itâs an option!
In addition, and partially because of, tropes like this, asexuality and everything under it are considered more âfeminineâ. Sex is seen as a symbol of status and depending on your gender and presentation, that status gets lowered or raised depending on the number of partners had.
Cis men and masculine aces exist, and also have to contend with cultural pressures to âperformâ sexually, whether they want to or not. Erasing these experiences doesnât help further acceptance towards asexuality or just sexuality in general.
And! Cis women and feminine people can have and enjoy casual sex! Others donât but still experience sexual attraction regularly. Being allosexual isnât limited to the masculine. Libido can also exist without sexual attraction. Human sexuality is just not as narrow as you think.
Thatâs where Iâll leave this one. Remember, itâs okay to be demisexual. Itâs not okay to dunk on a group of people you didnât bother to try to understand. Keep an open mind. Thereâs room at the table for learning, not bigotry.
amandla
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
