Feb 17: (words of) affection
During their fourth year in Hogwarts Remus came to a startling conclusion that Sirius did not know how good he really was.Â
Surely he must know, Remus thought - high marks on every subject, friends who love him, so many girls throwing wishful glances during lessons. When Remus had noticed how much attention Sirius got from people, he had felt intense jealousy. The only thing that stopped him from openly glaring at these girls was that Sirius didnât care - he was much more interested in talking to his friends and seemed blissfully unaware of affection around him.Â
They only want him because he is good looking and funny. They donât even know him - he is so much more than that.Â
Sirius had always been a bit unstable with his moods - quick to anger, prone to deep sadness and intense joy - but things were escalating and Remus was worried. Suddenly Sirius seemed to be full of self doubt over things he had never questioned earlier: if his grades were good enough or if his friends really liked him.Â
âOf course we like youâ, Remus told him. âWhy do you even think that? Have we done something that made you feel like it?â
Sirius shook his head, keeping his eyes tightly away from Remus. âNo, you are wonderful, it is just⌠I know that I am not the easiest person to be friends with. I am loud and annoying and so fucking self centered.âÂ
âWho told you that?â Remus demanded. I am going to kill them for saying things like that.Â
âIt does not matter.âÂ
Remus was going to make sure that Sirius knew how good he was.Â
It was not easy, in the beginning. He was not an overly affectionate person and it was much more natural to just tease his friends and assume that they could read between the lines. But if Sirius needed him to voice his real feelings, Remus was going to try his hardest.Â
Sirius brought him notes when he missed lessons after the full moon - thank you for doing this to me.Â
He stayed with Remus before and after his transformations - it is so much easier when you are here with me.Â
When he went out and beyond to make Remus smile when he was having a bad day - you always cheer me up.
They finally had time to sit together in the common room after a busy day - I missed you.Â
Sirius let his head fall on Remusâ shoulder when they were alone - I really like having you near me.Â
It became easier because he could see how Sirius lit up by his words. His bright smile made Remusâ heart flutter in a way he was not ready to think about. He would say nice things back and then continue to do the nice things so Remus would gift him with more nice words. A perfect cycle, really.Â
âAre you trying to woo Sirius or how come I never get praise from you when I do my homework?â James asked him one time they were working together for a charms essay. His voice was teasing and Remus just rolled his eyes. âIâm just being nice to him.â
âBut you are not like that with the rest of usâ, James pressed on.Â
âLook, you know he has been going through something and I donât think there is anything wrong with trying to cheer up a friend.â
âThere is nothing wrong with that! But it just makes me wonder sometimes. Because he is also different with you.âÂ
âYou are still his best friend, donât worry about that.â Remus did his best to keep the bitterness out of his voice but it did not go unnoticed.Â
âMoony, you must know that he looks at you like you are the most wonderful thing in the world. When you are away, he keeps complaining how much he misses you and thinking about all the ways he could show that he cares.âÂ
Maybe Sirius was not the only one who really didnât know how other people saw him after all.
