One thing I enjoy most about teaching is how children react to me after they’ve been angry.
I’ve been pinched, punched, kicked, choked, scratched, screamed at, been the target of flying projectiles, anything you can imagine, I’ve probably had it happen to me.
Yet when it’s all over, 90% of kids who flipped out will hug me or apologize.
Usually, I address the angry child calmly, even if my inner fight or flight is kicking in. I can’t show the child’s behavior is okay. Yelling and screaming are not how they’re going to get what they want, so it’s not how I’m going to get what I want.
I wait until they’re done expressing their anger, whether it be directed at me or an inanimate object. I keep repeating the phrases “Are you done yet?” and “Feel better yet?” and wait until they’re calm enough to respond.
That’s when it’s time for discipline.
Usually, discipline for me just means I sit down and talk them through what happened. It’s telling them “yes, you’re allowed to be angry, but hurting people is never a good reason unless you or someone else is being hurt.” Then I explain that if this happens again, the same thing is going to happen. They’re not going to get what they want. They’re going to get a chill out until their anger subsides.
Then I ask “What can we do differently next time?” If the child doesn’t have an answer, I’ll give them suggestions like “kick a ball” or “run as fast as you can” or “scribble on paper until they feel better” or “sit by yourself until the anger goes away” and usually it’s met with the child suggesting their own ideas.
I’ve actually had kids put themselves on chill out chairs because they’re about to flip out. There’s a personal pride that comes from that. Seeing a 4 or 5-year-old recognize destructive behavior and take steps to fix it themselves is an intelligence level most adults fail to have.
At no time do I tell them their anger is wrong. I tell them their behavior is wrong. Being angry is a part of our humanity, but hurting others because we’re angry is dangerous territory.
I never make them say sorry, either. I don’t want them to if they don’t mean it. Some kids are taught saying sorry makes the problem go away, and I don’t agree with that. I’d rather they show me they’re sorry, such as doing better next time or stopping the behavior altogether.
Some people might argue I’m being too soft, but when you have a child tell you they don’t see you as an adult because you don’t yell at them, it’s a comforting but sad notion that you’re doing the right thing.
-Cat
