I keep blorbos in my pockets

I write for Star Trek (TOS/AOS), Marvel, Harry Potter, Criminal Minds, Chicago Fire, Brooklyn 99, Parks and Rec, SVTHSA, Dear Evan Hansen, and Bob's Burgers Ijustwantyoutoknow on Ao3

[fairycosmos]

you literally have to unironically listen to some shit like party rock anthem so you don’t kill yourself

[snowsmoked]

Even after they come out, Shane is a private person. So is Ilya. And, look, Shane is very happy that the centaurs are so accepting. He really, really has to remind himself how relieved and happy he is about it. He also remembers that this is how locker rooms are. As captain of the metros, the amount of times he had to tell off a player for showing pictures of their girlfriend's breasts or ass to other players was uncomfortably high.

So he really should have expected the question, "so who is, you know, the man?"

"Excuse me?"

"Dude, you can't ask that," a very progressive Young advised. "You gotta ask who's the top. Not the man."

Shane exhaled slowly. He loves his team he loves his team he loves his team.

"That is private," Shane said firmly. "And inappropriate in the workplace."

He was, of course, largely ignored. And while neither him nor Ilya really enjoyed their team, their friends, the internet, and homophobic players guessing their bedroom arraignments, Shane was surprised that nearly everyone got it wrong.

The general consensus what that Shane was the man. His going out outfit was usually jeans and a t-shirt, Ilya's was tight leather pants and a leopard print with four buttons undone. When they drank, Shane got a beer and Ilya either got shots or the sweetest cocktail they had. Ilya was more flamboyant, Shane was more reserved. Ilya liked to bake, Shane liked to grill.

And yes, Shane was aware why all these seemingly innocuous personality traits accumulated to make Shane the man and Ilya the girl. Still, it didn't stop it being generally annoying, offensive, and uncomfortable. Nonetheless, Shane liked finding the silver lining in that this was something just for them to know.

Ilya finds it more amusing then Shane. And, like most things, tries to use it to his advantage.

"Shaaaane, carry my bag," Ilya held out his hockey bag.

"No."

"I can't believe you treat your girlfriend like this."

~*~

"Is it a happy bouquet or an 'i'm sorry' one?" Holmsberg asked as he and the rookies peered over Young's phone. "Get the all roses one."

"That's the most expensive one!"

"Dude."

"Shane," Ilya whined, calling their attention to him. "Why don't you ever buy me flowers?"

"That's messed up, dude," LaPointe shook his head.

"I'll buy you roses, Roz." Wyatt grinned.

"You will not," Shane grumbled.

~*~

"Ah," Ilya winced as he lowered himself on the bench.

"You okay?" Shane asked him. He had taken a hard check into the boards early in the game and, despite reassuring Shane he was fine, he knew his hip was killing him.

"Fine," Ilya said predictability. "Just sore. Will be fine in a minute."

"Hey," Zane nudged Shane's shoulder. "Go easy on him on game days, okay? We need him."

"Go easy?" Shane's eyebrows drew together. "What do you - Oh! No, that isn't - he - I didn't -"

"It's fine, man. Whatever you two-"

"No!" Shane interrupted. "He's still sore off of Richard's check - Not - Ilya, stop laughing!"

~*~

"Doesn't it bother you?" Shane asks Ilya one day.

"What?"

"That everyone assumes you're, you know," Shane gestured, a cute little blush on his cheeks. "The girl."

"There is no girl," Ilya raises his eyebrows and palms Shane through his pants. "I would know."

"Asshole," Shane scoffs. "You know what I mean."

"I know," Ilya smiled. "But no. It does not bother me."

"Why not?"

"Because it's hot," Ilya lifted his hands, over Shane's chest and up to his face. "That people can't even imagine you like this."

Ilya dips to kiss his neck and Shane's eyes flutter shut.

"Makes no sense," Ilya continued, hands roaming down to Shane's ass. "To me, I know this immediately."

"F-fuck off, you did not."

"Oh, I did," Ilya gripped his chin, forcing Shane to look at him. "I see you... those beautiful freckles and I know how desperate you are for it. So obvious. Thought everyone was looking at this boy thinking how good he would look getting fucked. How well he would take it."

"Ilya..."

"Shh," Ilya patted his face. "But I think is better this way. That only I get to even imagine you like this. Only I get to have it."

"Only you," Shane agreed readily, hands flying to the zipper on Ilya's jeans.

"Only for me," Ilya agreed, letting Shane take down his pants and boxers. He pressed down on Shane's shoulders, the slightest pressure getting him to sink down, eyes already heavy. Ilya ran his hand through Shane's soft hair, watching the gold of his wedding ring catch the room's low light. "Only for me. Forever."

[butimaficwriter]

before dick and kisses

after dick and kisses

from 😾 to 🙂: an ilya rozanov guide to keeping your shane happy

[kaijuerotica]

after dick no kisses

[bloominflowers]

thinking about Shane's first pride night with the Centaurs ;u;

[argillaforma]

shane in the beginning of their official relationship being unsure of how to do casual intimacy because he’s used to only get it if it’s during sex or with the intent of turning into sex but now they’re boyfriends and he doesn’t always know how to navigate that so sometimes he will just 🧍🏻‍♂️ in the middle of the room because he wants a smooch but he’s unsure of how to progress and he feels weird asking for it before eventually realizing that ilya is more than happy to indulge

[justshadowchan]

[tinylilhollander]

David and Yuna are clearing out their attic, and they come over with a box of Shane's old childhood stuff to see if there's anything Shane (but realistically, Ilya) wants to keep.

As Shane and Ilya are going through the box, Ilya pulls out a little Centaurs branded notebook, with "Shane's Fun Facts!" written on the front in sharpie. Ilya is understandably delighted.

"What is this?" he asks, smiling from ear to ear, quickly yanking it out of the reach of Shane who immediately tries to swipe it out of his hands.

"It's nothing," says Shane, but the way his cheeks have gone pink behind his freckles tells another story.

"Uh-uh. It cannot be nothing if you don't want me to see it this badly."

Turning his back to Shane so he can't easily grab at it, Ilya opens to a random page and reads in Shane's 8-year-old scrawl:

Lightning bolts are five times hotter than the sun. That is very hot!

Ilya is grinning even wider now.

"Wow, Solnyshko, that is a fun fact."

"Fuck off," Shane says. He doesn't even attempt to grab it again, just kind of collapses and bonks his head into Ilya's shoulder. "I used to have trouble making friends as a kid. Dad suggested I start collecting facts to use as icebreakers. Y'know, to get conversations going."

"Did they work?" asks Ilya, tilting his head so that it rests on top of Shane's as his husband gives an almighty sigh.

"I think they made it worse, actually."

Ilya turns to another page and reads it out loud.

"Oology is the study of eggs. It's so cool because it looks like there are three eggs in the word!"

"Oh god," says Shane, burying his face further into Ilya's neck.

"I think you knew all the worst kids in Canada," says Ilya, putting down the book and wrapping his arms around Shane. "Those facts would have worked on me."

"Really?" asks Shane, glancing up at Ilya's face to see if he's teasing him, but Ilya is being perfectly serious.

"Of course. You came up to me and started telling me fun facts straight away, remember? 'I don't think you can smoke here.' 'Wow, Rozanov, you are the best player ever to watch.'"

"Fuck off, I didn't say that," laughs Shane.

"Well, it was something like that," says Ilya, pressing a kiss to the top of Shane's head. "So at least the fun facts worked when it mattered, yes? Imagine where we'd be if you hadn't come over to break the ice."

And Shane tugs Ilya even closer.

"I don't think I want to."

[snowsmoked]

I do think that Shane gets a Russian language tutor. He sees that Ilya is always having to think, speak, and translate in his second language. And he knows that Ilya is fluent by this point, but if he's serious about forever with Ilya (which he is) he wants Ilya to be able to communicate with his boyfriend in his native language. He also saw how much his grandparents struggled with learning English as adults and how much more expressive and talkative they were when they spoke Japanese at home together.

So he gets a tutor. He meticulously researches her (she's from Moscow, so he'll learn from someone with Ilya's same accent). She's signed to more NDAs than he can count. She has 10 years of experience, she's certified to teach English and Russian, and she has 4.8 stars on MyTutor.

Shane pays her a frankly concerning amount of money to make house calls. Twice weekly, unless he's on the road, she arrives at his apartment to teach him foundational Russian. She gives him workbooks, Russia cartoon recommendation, podcasts for beginners, etc. He tells her he's learning because his boyfriend is Russian and she outlines a course that focuses on domestic language first (as opposed to travel or business). She even teaches him what she calls a 'culture course' with lessons on Russian music, food, and various traditions.

She's only a few years older than Shane and he actually finds himself looking forward to her visits. At this point, she's the only person other than his parents that knows he has a boyfriend.

About 4 months in, Shane finally feels comfortable enough to ask about what he'd been very excited about learning.

"You want me to teach you how to talk dirty to your boyfriend?" Ekaterina raised an eyebrow.

"Um," Shane blushed. Was this a little too far? Was this inappropriate to ask of a tutor? "Yes? If - If that's okay, I mean."

A slow smirk spread over her face. "This will be fun. Fun for me, now. Fun for you, later."

"I made a list," Shane admitted. He wasn't going to back out now, he put a lot of thought into his list. He turned to it in his Russian notebook and handed it to her.

She scanned over it indifferently. "You will use all this in one night?"

"Yeah, probably. Is it too much?"

"It is good you have a Russian man," Ekaterina said. "They have good stamina. Mostly, anyway."

And while it was a little embarrassing for Ekaterina to correct his pronunciation of please let me suck your cock, it helped that she seemed just as comfortable with that as there is tea on the stove.

Though, maybe he shouldn't have learned those phrases at the same time, because Ilya will never, for as long as they live, allow him to forget asking, while down on his knees and with excellent pronunciation, please let me suck your tea.

[waldemarstr]

Have we considered that between Ilya Slavanov and Mr. Autism 3000 this is probably how they look to the outside world even when they're as happy as can be 😭

[barbaricjester]

I love the word "beeline." youre in such a hurry youre doing bug movement

[parcai]

my hot take of the day is that ilya actually runs a tighter ship than shane, not like as captain or anything i mean in the household.

1) afraid of being lazy 2) military son 3) slavic. shane has certain preferences for things sensory wise which is why he is neat abt his stuff, ilya will kill himself & everyone in the room there's a Difference. iykyk

[parcai]

@knucklecurve the way i deadass forgot the most crucial part. he is a control freak

[penandinkprincess]

i am laughing about the first time ilya gets tricked into taking over for a game of "catch me" at a pool with the pike kids because hayden and shane both had the background experience to stay REAL quiet when that game started up.

because i feel like the "jumping into a pool for an adult to catch you" is a game you only play with like. A Trusted Known Family Friend Adult. so i feel like ilya tragically doesn't have the background to understand that heeding the "uncle ilya! catch me!" one time means that is now. how his day is going to go. there are four of them and they are lining up to take turns. ilya does NOT get a break. he is catching kids and then moving them back to climb back out and then getting ready to catch the next one.

man is a professional athlete and yet still??? wakes up the next day??? SORE????

[penandinkprincess]

A slight pivot from birds, but im picturing Yuna and David combating the empty nest syndrome (like 6 years into Shane's career so everything's little calmer) by getting Really Big Dogs. Like Ilya opens the door and there's like 5 rhodesian ridgebacks staring at him and wanting to inspect him. And Ilya loves dogs but these guys are a little intimidating and then of course Miko the fuckin bird marches through their legs and Ilya is just Bro what the Fuck, and thereafter the hollanders house is called the Menagerie. When they get scruffy rescue Anya Ilya is a bit nervous to introduce her to the pack but she has these big lion dogs wrapped around her paw in no time.

the double whammy of Giant Fucking Dogs all looking at him and then a parrot strutting her way through is KILLING ME

man is trying to be a good and present and supportive new boyfriend, but GOD the odds are stacked against him rn

the wildest thing is happening in front of him and he can't even ASK ABOUT IT

[penandinkprincess]

the dogs are pretty polite in general, but yuna is ABSOLUTELY the ultimate authority. she is the only one powerful enough to overcome zeke's cheese madness.

which leads to the EXTREMELY funny scenario of big ass hockey player ilya getting his ass beat tf up by this massive dog because he made the fatal mistake of bringing shredded cheese into the house until yuna leans in and snatches the bag away, which makes zeke immediately sit and wait

meanwhile ilya is just

w-what just happened

[penandinkprincess]

her name is clara, and she is convinced she is a lapdog

the fact that when she sits on someone they disappear behind how big she is simply NOT her problem

[orchidscript]

I am a Big Dog Gal, and I could see Shane having a stubborn face-off with a big Great Pyrenees. I maybe am biased because I have 2 of those fluffy white buttheads (affectionate), but Shane Hollander could NOT out-stubborn my girl Daisy.

Fluffiest Butt in the Northeast 😉

[penandinkprincess]

her name is angel, and shane thinks it's a sick joke (she was adopted and came with the name and refused to answer to anything else) (shane tried). she is a giant bossy control freak who HATES his door being shut and will slam it open swat-style when he's staying with his parents. she has decided shane is one of her charges. he did not choose this. he cannot stop it.

his name is koda, and like clara, you will never convince him he is not a tiny lap puppy.

[penandinkprincess]

it's important to me that shane can't keep house plants alive for SHIT.

his apartment is death row when it comes to plants.

he read years ago about plants being good for mental wellness and air quality, and he wants that!! that sounds like a great way to optimize a house!! plants!! cleaning the air and also doing *something* for mental health that he can't quite recall but fully believes.

AND YET.

he has read blogs. he has picked out easy care plants. he has bought special fertilizers and watering devices. he even bought a fucking grow light. he has ticked ALL the fucking boxes!! by ALL metrics!! he should be so good at Having House Plants!!

and motherfucking YET!!!

[penandinkprincess]

counterpoint: he bought the ones with "easy house plant!" tags and is then too embarassed at easy plants beating him so he just has to try again so no one will know his shame

[ryugarika]

Shane loves green things. Loves leaves rustling in the wind. Loves how soothing it is to just be out in nature.

So of course he spends most of his days inside. Inside gyms. Inside rinks. Inside conference rooms. Inside all kinds of stuffy rooms full of terrible lights and an abhorrent air quality probably too.

So when he reads an article on how plants improve air quality and also do great things for your mental health he orders a bunch of them online. There was a "beginners package" that looked nice. The XL variety so that he doesn't just have 3 random plants looking out of place. A mix of big and small plants that promises to be cohesive and simple to maintain. Next day delivery and a bunch of plant pots that were made out of 100% recycled plastic.

He spends the next day happily mixing and matching plants with pots and reading their care labels intently. Some of them get put right next to his windows - direct sunlight. And others find spots on various counters where the light meter he also bought tells him is the perfect indirect sunlight.

The expensive bottle of plant food gets stored in a cool dark place to be used in 2 weeks, since the plants were given fertiliser at the nursery already. It's going to be great. His apartment looks so much more lived in. So comfy.

It reminds him of the cottage.

For the next week's he follows the care label instructions to the fucking letter. One drop plants get small amounts of water. Three drop plants get much more. And he has a special only for plant food teaspoon to measure out the absolute perfect amount of liquid feed per watering can.

It's going great.

He's amazing at this.

And then... Then they start dying. One yellowing leaf at a time he sinks into despair.

Switching the food does nothing.

Playing classical music is useless!

Moving the plants to different spots around the home doesn't save a single one of them.

At first he cuts the yellow leaves off and the rest of the plant still looks OK. Then he hides the worst of them when the cleaners come by. He's going to fix it. He can do this. He's Shane Hollander for God's sake!

One by one they end up in the trash. Sometimes he replaces them with a new identical victim, but most of the empty plant pots get thrown out or handed off as gifts to Hayden.

The last straggler is a single spider plant that has managed to hang on against all odds. It has lost and regained leaves and has looked close to death since week 3 and Shane is sure the plant is alive despite his care instead of because of it but he refuses to give up on the thing.

Ilya comments on it at one point. Fingering a limp, semi yellow leaf with a frown. Asks Shane if he shouldn't throw it out and get a healthy plant, and Shane shuts that shit *down* because that is his plant. That's his buddy. The one who refused to give up!

That plant is a fighter!

Proof that not *everything* he touches dies.

That plant is Hope!

Ilya stares at him like he's lost his mind, and maybe he has, but he pats Shane's shoulder and doesn't bring it up again.

[penandinkprincess]

the idea of ilya finding this oddly reassuring because it shows that shane doesn't just give up when things are bad.

almost anyone else would have called it and quit out of frustration, but shane cares about this plant so DAMN IT they are in this until there is not a scrap of green left. he is NOT quitting on this sad ass plant. love is a noun, but it also a verb, motherfucker.

[iwrotemrtambourineman]

whatever enmeshment yuna and shane have would be blown out of the water by ilya and irina if irina was still alive

[angusbeefiestick]

Sometimes you are searching “snake hollander” to see the Spaghetti-verse beyond the people you follow and are reminded Hudson Williams has a snake tattoo, the siren is calling me to play in the sandbox.

Anyways, post TLG maybe once his series on the Centaurs socials gets some good feedback Shane does start looking into getting Spaghetti tattooed on his body (i know spaghetti is the first immortal corn snake), so Spaghetti is always with him. It is actually quite an involved process for Shane he goes to multiple artists (he loves Luca’s art but he just could not capture Shane’s dear friend/son in all his glory) , gets multiple sketches but nothing fits his vision or expresses the weight/importance that a friend like Spaghetti has had on Shane’s life.

When Shane brings it up in a video (not even one of his snake videos it is a “Get to know the lineup” type video for the start of the season and everyone is answering random questions and they are asked what their dream tattoo would be), his DMs are flooded with people who want to tattoo “The Shane Hollander”. However, he does get some great recommendations from the fans of his snake videos so of course Harris convinces him that maybe the people would like to come along for the ride.

The video(s) includes meeting the artist, the sketching process, them going through different placements, and of course Shane sitting like a stone statue for the tattoo. They do bring Spaghetti for the tattoo cause the little noodle is the true star of the series but Ilya has to hold Spaghetti/keep him in the traveling tank (don’t know if they exist honestly Shane is rich enough and dedicated enough to get some guy to make it) the whole time. The final instagram post is the healed tattoo and Spaghetti covering the tattoo perfectly cause obviously it is life size and how Spaghetti prefers to wrap around Shane.

Ilya is conflicted about the tattoo mainly cause he thinks it is so hot that Shane has a tattoo (and sat like a tank) but that is Spaghetti his adopted son who he loves and cares for but kinda creeps him out.

[penandinkprincess]

Okay I am in love with Spaghetti and I’m imagining at some point Shane decides to get another snake but he wants a different species this time and Ilya’s like “okay I can probably handle a baby snake and then I’ll get used to it as it grows” except Shane brings home a red tailed boa. And this baby is already nearly as thick as full grown Spaghetti. And he’ll just get bigger from here. (Or even bring home a rescue adult because a lot of them get abandoned when they’re full grown so there’s suddenly just. A massive snake.)

I’m just imagining Shane being like “wow all of these people love me and Spaghetti this is so awesome” and feeling comfortable enough to get a second snake except this snake weighs 50lbs and eats whole quail and his enclosure is the entire walk-in closet of the snake room.

Shane loves walking around with his new buddy (free weight training) or cuddling on the couch (free weighted blanket).

GOD POOR ILYA

he's seen pictures of baby spaghetti and is like, "okay, maybe if i just am around it from the time it is very small, things will be better. i can adjust."

and then the "baby snake" shane wanted ENDS UP BEING! A STILL FUCK OFF BIG SNAKE!!

SHANE WHAT THE FUCK

[junkdrawertales]

someone surrenders a massive reticulated python to the local animal shelter, which does not have the space or the resources for it, but oh! Hey! One of the volunteers is friends with David and David’s son Shane has a large snake! Maybe he can take care of it until they find a permanent home!

The call comes when Ilya’s out with some friends visiting from Boston, and Shane couldn’t just say NO, the poor thing is cold and scared and it needs a home, and Spaghetti’s old tank hasn’t been dismantled since his upgrade, it’s big enough for a retic, so Shane picks up Wiggles and brings him home.

Ilya comes home two hours later with Marley and St-Simon in tow, all of them hyping each other up, hooting and hollering and yelling BRO! BROOOO! until Ilya freezes and fucking SHRIEKS. His beloved husband has brought home a MONSTER.

Marley and St-Simon think Wiggly is “fucking wicked, bro” because they are dirty dirty traitors.

[penandinkprincess]

(so i'm reading that reticulated pythons get REALLY complex with care after they're full grown just because that's SO MUCH fucking snake to move around, so i'm being nice to ilya and making it a ball python)

GOD WAIT ilya has volunteered at the animal shelter before and so they've heard him talk about shane having a massive snake

(BECAUSE IN *HIS* OPINION!! SPAGHETTI IS!! SO FUCKING BIG!! IT IS A SNAKE IN HIS HOME!! AND IT IS MASSIVE!)

but this means they call ilya, get sent to voicemail (which still says he's not going to respond), and then call shane (he's the emergency contact on ilya's volunteer paperwork) and are like, "hey, it's sarah down at the shelter. this is kind of a crazy ask, but would you have the ability to foster a ball python? i know ilya has said you have snake experience."

and shane is like, "uuuh let me call my husband and check, but sure. we haven't taken down spaghetti's older tank yet, and it's really big, so it should work fine." and then he texts one of the people out with ilya to tell him to call, and then shane runs him down with, "hey, sarah down at the shelter asked if we could take a snake that got surrendered. apparently they bought it for their kid but 'miss wiggles' got a little too much for them."

and POOR ILYA IS LIKE SURELY MY FRIEND SARAH WOULD NOT SEND A GIANT FUCK OFF SNAKE INTO MY HOME, WHERE I LAY MY SWEET HEAD. SURELY SARAH WOULD NOT DO THAT TO ME.

and it's name is miss wiggles! and it was a child's! yeah, sure, why not. is he thrilled? no. but he's used enough to it that a second spaghetti is fine, especially when there's nowhere else for the snake to go. (and listen. spaghetti is getting up there, and ilya is a little worried about how that's going to hit shane. so maybe this works out perfectly. new snake needs a home, shane gets a second buddy, and ilya can just. adjust.)

UNTIL HE GETS HOME AND LEARNS ABOUT WHAT ELSE LIVES THERE NOW.

SARAH, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO HIM

[junkdrawertales]

Miss Wiggles has just aged out of her juvenile stage, and Shane takes very good care of her, so before long she's laid five eggs! Wow! Good job Miss Wiggles! Shane is very impressed! He's so proud!

Ilya, haunted: there's going to be MORE of them???

Shane: oh no, no, they're not fertilized. but it's good to know Miss Wiggles can lay healthy eggs! Maybe I can pair her up with another snake next year :) I've always wanted to try hatching snakes :)

Ilya: if you love me at all you will Stop This Nonsense Talk At Once

[penandinkprincess]

ilya hearing about how likely it seems that shane wants to explore snake breeding as a retirement hobby and is just welp. guess we're both going to play until we die.

[justacrowandhermurder-personal]

While not common (or healthy) parthenogenesis (self cloning) does happen in ball pythons.

It doesn’t have to happen but Ilya just knowing it’s a possibility would fucking haunt him.

[penandinkprincess]

ilya going into the snake room every single morning with the excuse of exposure therapy and really he's just going up to her tank and going

[penandinkprincess]

Okay, so with the Spaghetti verse - I've put this out there before but I think you'd get a kick out of it.

Shane gets the call to foster not a fuck-off big snake, but a hognose - which the females top out at 36 inches. So Ilya hears this and is like "okay, yeah, a small snake (still big to him, but small compared to spaghetti)" only to face absolute betrayal at how spicy (dramatic) they are because "Why is he angry Shane?! Spaghetti isn't angry!:

it starts doing a rattelsnake impression at him and ilya is straight offended

he is just STANDING HERE

man learns a new appreciation for spaghetti because this new guy is an ASSHOLE

[penandinkprincess]

ilya stops by to look at the snakes each day because he treats it like allergy training and doesn't want to lose any tolerance he's built up, but this means anyone listening in while visiting just hears, "good morning, spaghetti. you are looking very scaly today. and mouse lump is almost gone! good work. good disgestion. hello sad dead linguini. so sad you are dead aga-oh? alive? no, dead again. back to dead. okay. good job everyone. maybe tomorrow you are alive, linguini. we will see."