Shane Hollander at like age 10 owning and investing all his allowance savings into a pet hamster for all of two weeks before it died tragically in the most hamster way you can imagine.
happy pride, I’m haunted by the fact that I’ve seen multiple people say they’re glad Shane’s sex condo was cut from the show because it made them feel “icky” and like “Ilya was Shane’s dirty little secret”. I do have to question what some people think this series is even about
Ahh it's finally here – the long-awaited Hollanov song. This is the first track I've recorded properly in ages and I'm just so flipping happy with how it turned out. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing and recording it. 🫶
Lyrics under the cut
Harder to Define
It's been several empty months
Wondering if I'd ever be back in your good graces
But here we are and all at once
I find that time erased by the smile on your face
And my only thought now as our hands
Bridge that mile-wide space across the sand
This is the first thing in a long time
That's felt real, that's felt mine
And I know we shouldn't
But even you can't deny
This thing between us
Is getting harder to define
I was gonna tough it out
Grit my teeth, grin and bear the things demanded
But here you are now in my arms
I'll face my fears, I'll do whatever you command
And my only thought now as my tongue
Meets the salt on yours and I'm undone
This is the first thing in a long time
That's felt real, that's felt mine
And I know we shouldn't
But even you can't deny
This thing between us
Is getting harder to define
It's getting harder to define
And my only thought now as our hands
Fall back into place and I understand
This is the first thing in a long time
That's felt real, that's felt mine
And I know we shouldn't
But even you can't deny
This thing between us
Is getting harder to define
This is the first thing in a long time
That's felt real, that's felt mine
And I know we shouldn't
But even you can't deny
This thing between us
Is getting harder to define
And I know we shouldn't
But even you can't deny
This thing between us
Is getting harder to define
I like to think about how Ilya came off all smooth and confident and sexy in his towel with his cocky "I might knock" and tiny shrug and smirk, sauntering away like it's no fuckin thing when I know on the inside he's like oh my god oh my GOD it worked okay it's happening it worked oh my god okay okay okay be cool holy fuckingg
Shane Hollander sat his freshly fucked ass on a hard metal step during Canadian winter and gripped onto that jacket so tight Ilya practically had to wrestle it from his arms like taking a sock from a doodle puppy. Under no circumstances did he have to follow Ilya down those stairs. These are things that your mother will never know about you Shane Hollander but don't you DARE lie to that woman and tell her you haven't been in love for years. You were playing Russian roulette with plausible deniability all the way back during the first fucking Obama administration.
Irina Rozanov runs away with 12-year-old Ilya to live with family in Canada, so instead of being Shane's hockey rival, he's the boy from the flower shop at the lake, the friend Shane looks forward to seeing every summer when they go to the cottage.The friend he's absolutely definitely not falling in love with. No way.Read it on AO3 (updates on tumblr first)
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Probably because it hadn't been as long since the last time they'd reunited, Shane didn't cry when he saw Ilya again this time. But it was a damn close thing.
After a quick lunch at the diner with Irina and Ilya, they went back to the flower shop to make sure that everything was packed and ready to go. Out of nowhere, Ilya pulled Shane into his arms in the parking lot while their moms double-checked everything.
"It just feels so good to be able to actually feel you again," Ilya whispered into his ear, and it was doing absolutely nothing to help the crush he'd just promised himself to suffer silently. He felt like he was suffering quite loudly right now actually. "I missed you so much I felt like I was dying."
"Same. I always miss you," he said, and then pulling away before he could give into his desire to just never let go, he smiled at Ilya. "But hey, let's focus on the good stuff – a whole week together and it's not even summer."
"Yes," said Ilya, grinning back at him. There was a beat where neither of them said anything, and then, without needing to say a word, they both raced for the car. Shane won, which meant that he got to pick which side he sat on. He made a big show of picking the left side, knowing that Ilya preferred the right, and to his credit, Ilya, in return, made it sound like being left with the right side was a huge hardship.
And then they were off.
If Shane had thought road trips were fun before, it was nothing compared to what it was like having a friend with him in the backseat, as eager to play his favorite road trip games as he was.
"And you play these all at the same time?" asked Ilya with raised eyebrows, as Shane finished explaining the rules of Rainbow Bingo, Windmill, Punch Buggy, and Beer Me to him.
"Well, yeah," he said. "Because they all keep going through the whole trip, you see? Windmill and Beer Me only finish when the trip is over, because you each tally how many windmills you saw and called, and how many cars with one dim headlight you saw and called. And you play Rainbow Bingo the whole time because the point of it is to see how many times in a trip you can make a full rainbow with car colors. Our record is four."
"You'd think it would be higher," chimed Yuna from the driver's seat. "But you'll see – it always gets really tough when it gets time to finish the rainbow with a pink or purple car."
"I see," said Ilya. "And the point of Punch Buggy?"
"It's just fun to have an excuse to punch someone I guess," shrugged Shane. "There's no real point."
"I think that is the one I'm most looking forward to," laughed Ilya and the sound made the butterflies in Shane's stomach go crazy.
Determined not to let it show, he rolled his eyes.
"Of course it is," he said, but even as he said it he could hear the fondness there.
In the end, the newcomers did quite well at the car games. Windmill went to Irina who was so quick at calling them, Shane wondered if she was secretly psychic. She seemed to sense rather than see when there was a windmill on the horizon. Ilya won Beer Me, and was disappointed to learn that he wasn't going to be given three beers from each of the others as the name suggested. Irina had conceded to allowing Ilya to be rewarded with three energy drinks as long as he promised to not drink them all at the same time.
"If it helps, I usually get ginger ale," said Shane, trying not to blush at the look Ilya gave him, a mixture of amusement and fondness that he was learning meant that he'd said something incredibly boring, but that also charmed Ilya immensely.
They'd lost count of Punch Buggy in the end, but the pleasant painful tingle in his arm that he knew matched the one in Ilya's was more than enough reward. And in the end, they'd only completed two rainbows, but Shane had to admit, this would probably be higher if they hadn't end up getting rather distracted.
About halfway home, Ilya had made a big deal of catching Shane's eye, looking down at where Shane's coat was lying between them on the middle seat. Then, he looked directly at Shane again as he slipped his hand beneath it.
The invitation couldn't have been clearer, and despite all his big talk to himself about burning himself alive to protect the future, in that moment, he just really, desperately wanted to hold Ilya's hand.
So, slipping his hand under the coat, feeling around for Ilya's hand until their fingers were threaded together again, he did. This time, instead of the terror and confusion he felt for the entire run time of 2 Fast, 2 Furious, Shane had allowed himself to squeeze Ilya's hand to get him to look his way. And when he did, he just smiled at him, hoping it would convey how fucking giddy he was right now to be sitting in the same space as him, holding his hand. He was rewarded with a hand squeeze from Ilya in return and the full force of that thousand-watt smile.
This was, of course, driving home the reality of just how completely fucked he was. How was he ever going to pretend not to feel the enormity of the feelings he felt for this guy?
This was made worse later as Shane led Ilya to their room and Ilya turned to give him a puzzled look.
"No mattress on the floor…?" Ilya asked.
"Yeah," said Shane, feeling his face flush right down to his chest. "That's because I'm also going to be sleeping in the bed. I mean, the bed is big so I figured you wouldn't mind. Unless of course you do mind, in which case I'll just get the blow up mattress from the att—"
Ilya pulled him into a tight hug before he could finish his sentence.
"Shh, stop panicking," he said, squeezing him the same way his dad did sometimes. He felt himself unclench in his arms. "Of course we are going to share if the bed is so big. I don't mind at all."
"Really?" Shane asked, and then embarrassed at how eager that had sounded, he cleared his throat. "I mean, yeah, no point in either of us being uncomfortable all week, right?"
"Exactly. And especially after you've gone to such great lengths to make it cozy," said Ilya, letting go of Shane to go and inspect the side of the bed Shane had set up for him. "Were the M&Ms your idea?"
"Yes," said Shane, feeling his cheeks grow even hotter at how pleased Ilya looked by this.
And then, to Shane's absolute horror, he reached between the pillows and pulled out the worst possible thing he could imagine Ilya finding.
"And who is this little bear?" he said. Shane could tell he was really trying to rein in how amused and delighted he was by this discovery.
Shane wanted to die.
"Wa," he said, throat dry with terror. "He's actually an otter."
"Shane," said Ilya, face twitching from the effort it seemed to be taking him not to laugh and Shane cursed how good his English was now. He'd understood the name immediately. "Why is he called Wa?"
"Oh fuck off, asshole," he said, wishing the rug at the end of his bed would roll up with him in it and smother him. "You already know why."
"Yes, but I really want to hear you say it," said Ilya, doing a remarkable job of keeping his shit together. Shane sighed, figuring that it was best to just get the humiliation over with.
"His full name is Otter-Wa," he grumbled, staring at a corner of his bed and doing everything in his power to not look up to see Ilya's reaction, "because he's an otter, and we live in Ottawa."
He wasn't surprised when Ilya burst into fits of laughter, or that it was so infectious that after a while, despite still feeling absolutely mortified that this was happening to him, he couldn't help but join in.
But there was no world in which he expected that Ilya would cross the room and kiss him on the cheek harder than he'd ever been kissed before.
"That is the cutest thing I've ever heard," he said. "You are the cutest thing ever."
Ordinarily Shane would hate being called cute. Cute was the exact opposite of what he was going for. On the ice, 'cute' translated to 'weak' and if there was one thing Shane never wanted to be seen as, it was weak.
But it felt different coming from Ilya. There was a bit of teasing to his tone, sure, but in no way did Ilya make it seem like he thought Shane was weak. He said it like he was delighted, like Shane was something wonderful. And as much as that filled Shane with warmth from head to toe, right now he didn't think he could cope with what it meant to be wonderful in Ilya's eyes.
"Give him here, I'll put him away," he said trying to snatch Wa from Ilya, annoyed when Ilya was a split-second too fast for him.
"Uh-uh," he said, shaking his head and gently laying Wa back down on the pillows. "He was important enough to be on your bed, so he stays. The things that are important to you are important to me too."
And oh, fuck, now he was in danger of crying. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and finally lifted his eyes to meet Ilya's. There was so much he could say in response, but he was terrified that if they talked about what Ilya had just said, all of it would come out – every secret thought and feeling he'd ever had about him. Everything Shane had promised himself just earlier that day would stay secret forever.
"We should head back down," he said instead. "The pizzas will probably be here soon."
For a moment there was a strange look on Ilya's face, something between sadness and curiosity, but only for a moment.
"Come on then," he said, breezing past Shane to the door. "I'm so hungry I could eat an otter. No offense, Wa."
Shane laughed despite himself, pushing Ilya out into the hallway.
As he gave Shane that look that meant they were about to race down the stairs (Shane won again), he was beginning to realize that ignoring what he felt for Ilya was probably impossible.
***
They had picked up Ilya and Irina on Saturday, so after allowing for a rest day on Sunday after all the driving the day before, the next two days were packed to the brim with museum visits, skating on the canal (where Shane and Yuna were surprised to learn that Irina used to be a figure skater), breakfasts, lunches, and dinners at all the Hollanders' favorite places or any place Ilya and Irina wanted to try, and another memorable trip to the movies with Ilya to watch something about a leather-clad vampire hunter that Ilya had enjoyed immensely and Shane, again, only vaguely remembered because Ilya had been holding his hand throughout the entire thing again.
They'd been holding hands a lot this week so far. They'd held hands in the hot tub on the Sunday, and again that same night when they sat in the den watching a rerun of a game while the parents drank wine and played cards in the dining room. Ilya's hand had also found its way into Shane's every night, just like Shane had hoped it would when he'd first left his lying palm up in the space between them on the bed.
All in all, while it wasn't summer at the cottage, this had still been one of the best weeks of Shane's life, and they hadn't even gone to the Metros game. That was tomorrow, and Shane and Ilya were both so excited about it, they couldn't sleep. They lay talking in the dark for ages, Shane on his stomach, Ilya on his side, hands threaded together like they had been every night.
"We're not going to get to do this tomorrow," said Ilya, squeezing Shane's hand to make it clear what he was talking about. "With Mama and I sharing a room and you sharing with your parents."
"Yeah," said Shane, trying not to sound as disappointed about it as he felt. Of course it was the setup that made the most sense, but he hated that during the one week he had with him, there was a night where he'd have to be apart from Ilya. "I guess it's just one night."
"I guess," said Ilya. His voice sounded small all of a sudden and Shane gave his hand another squeeze, hoping Ilya would understand that he was trying to say, "Everything okay?" Ilya squeezed it back and adjusted his head slightly on his pillow, so that it was now closer to Shane's. "I always sleep better when you're around. At home I have a lot of nightmares."
"Oh shit. What kind of nightmares?" he asked, but Ilya didn't respond. After a few moments of silence where it became clear that this was one of the things he didn't want to talk about, Shane changed tactics. "I mean, I suppose it's probably a little on you for watching so many movies about vampires and ghosts and shit."
He was relieved when Ilya let out a little laugh.
"Exactly,. And now tomorrow night I will be in a big bed all alone and there will be no one to protect me from the monsters."
Shane couldn't begin to explain what possessed him to do it, but it was at that moment he let go of Ilya's hand, and crossed the space between them on the bed, slipping one arm underneath his torso and the other over (trying very hard not to think about how firm and warm Ilya felt through his shirt as he did), and tipping him back slightly so he could settle his head on Ilya's shoulder.
"Is this okay?" he asked, almost scared to look up at Ilya in case he was angry or annoyed at what Shane was doing. He wasn't. In the pale light from the security lamp outside, Shane could see Ilya was looking at him with something like awe. Shane realized with a jolt that those might even be tears in his eyes.
"Yes," said Ilya, wrapping his arms around Shane in turn. He felt another jolt as he realized Ilya was pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "Yes, this is perfect."
Shane's heart was hammering so hard he was sure Ilya could feel it, the way he could feel Ilya's racing pulse beating against his cheek in turn. He realized with a bit of panic that he didn't really have a plan beyond this. He'd just really wanted to be closer to Ilya.
"Love you, Shane," said Ilya after a few minutes of lying there in the dark, through a silence only punctuated by the frantic percussion of their circulatory systems, and Shane felt his stomach swoop at the way he felt the words rumble against his chest at the same time he heard them. He'd never gotten used to hearing Ilya say it, but it added a whole other layer now that he could feel the evidence of it beating away under his cheek.
"Love you too, Ilya," he said, pulling the comforter up higher over the two of them. "Sleep tight."
"I will never get used to that fucking saying," said Ilya. "It's such a weird thing to say."
Shane laughed and adjusted his position on Ilya's shoulder so that he could find the comfiest possible spot.
Conversation seemed to be done for the night after that, and they both fell into silence. Shane reminded himself that he had to wake up at least fifteen minutes before Mom and Dad came to wake them, so that they wouldn't get caught. Shane didn't know if he was more scared of how badly they might react to seeing them cuddling, or the possibility that they might never again let them share a room during future sleepovers. He didn't want to experience either.
"Shane, are you asleep?" Ilya asked, and for reasons Shane couldn't make sense of himself, he didn't answer. So Ilya continued. "Love you three. Ha. I win again."
Shane had to fight to stay pretend-asleep and not give into the smile that Ilya would undoubtedly feel against him. As he lay there in the dark listening to the sounds of Ilya's breathing deepening and slowing, he wondered how, if this was supposed to be the worst crime he could commit as a guy, if this was supposed to be the worst thing he could feel, why it felt so safe, and electric, and right.
When he heard the first of Ilya's faint snores, he looked up to confirm that he was, in fact, asleep, before turning his head slightly to press a kiss to his shoulder.
"I love you so much, Ilya," he said. "I shouldn't – at least not the way I love you – but I really do. And I know that you might end up hating me if you ever found out, but sometimes I get the idea that you might feel the same way. And I don't know which possibility scares me more."
And then because he wanted to more than anything in the world, he kissed Ilya's shoulder again.
"Night Ilya," he said, his own eyelids now growing impossibly heavy. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
So much for pushing down all his feelings and waiting for some nice girl. Shane was in so much fucking trouble.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
Irina Rozanov runs away with 12-year-old Ilya to live with family in Canada, so instead of being Shane's hockey rival, he's the boy from the flower shop at the lake, the friend Shane looks forward to seeing every summer when they go to the cottage.The friend he's absolutely definitely not falling in love with. No way.Read it on AO3 (updates on tumblr first)
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
The day it finally came for them to pick up Ilya and Irina at the lake started like all their road trip days did. Shane usually hated getting up early (waking up early every day to train had not helped him get used to it), but on mornings where they were doing a long drive he didn't hate it as much. The three of them would climb into the car while it was still dark, put in the first of the road trip CDs Yuna had put together, and would munch their favorite road trip snacks along the way, so that by the time the sun came up, Shane's initial grumpiness was usually long forgotten.
This morning over breakfast, however, something had come up at David's work, something he'd probably have to go into the office for, and Shane could feel the anxiety mounting as he realized it was just going to be his mom and him in the car all the way there. Things between them had been weird ever since that night Becca stayed for dinner and they hadn't yet had a chance to clear the air. Shane knew that this car journey meant that either his mom was going to take the chance to do it now, or else she wasn't and things were going to keep being all tense and weird between them.
"Sorry I can't come anymore, bud." David gave Shane's shoulder a squeeze while Yuna did a last check of Irina's guest room (Ilya would be staying in Shane's room). He looked tired and drawn despite the strong coffee he now had in his system. "It's just going to be you and Mom this time. But hey, at least you get to ride shotgun all the way there! You've never done that before, so that'll be exciting, right?"
"I guess," Shane grumbled over his oatmeal. He knew it wasn't his dad's fault, but he always hated when plans changed at the last minute, and this was one of the worst ways it could have changed. The only way it could have been worse is if Ilya suddenly couldn't come after all. David seemed to grasp then why Shane was suddenly in a bad mood, and he sat down next to him in the breakfast nook, placing a hand on Shane's arm so that he'd turn to face him.
"Look, bud, I know things between you and mom haven't been as plain-sailing as usual the past few weeks. Mom made a mistake – she knows she did. And while I'm not asking you to let it go unless you're ready to, what I am asking is that if mom wants to talk about it, you at least give her a chance to say what she needs to say okay?"
"Okay, Dad," he said, not feeling any less anxious as his dad squeezed his shoulder and went upstairs to start getting ready for work.
He wondered if he'd also get the same chance to say what he needed to say. The problem with there being two of his parents and one of him, was that often it felt like they were on one side and Shane was on another. And though he knew they probably didn't mean it to be that way, it was hard not to be a little resentful that his say didn't usually count for much.
But, he conceded as he finished his last few mouthfuls of oatmeal, there wouldn't be any harm in at least hearing his mom out. Dad had said he didn't have to let it go if he didn't want to and he was clinging to that reassurance with both hands.
After rinsing his bow and loading it into the dishwasher, Shane went upstairs to brush his teeth and do one last sweep of his room. Since his bed at home was queen-sized, he'd be sharing with Ilya this time instead of sleeping on the floor, and the thought made his stomach feel weird in a way that he didn't really have time for right now.
Per Yuna's instructions, he made sure that Ilya had a towel and washcloth folded neatly for him on his side of the bed, and decided to go one further by placing a packet of M&Ms on his pillow, like they did with the little chocolates at fancy hotels. Ilya would probably poke fun at him about it later but it would be worth it for the way Shane knew he'd smile about it too.
"Ready to go, honey?" said Yuna from the door and Shane hated how tense he got, like she'd caught him doing something he shouldn't. He wasn't used to feeling that way about his mom. Suddenly he found himself really hoping that they would get to talk it out on the way there. They'd never fallen out like this before and he hated not being on the same page as her. They were normally so in sync about everything. It was kind of throwing his world off its axis that they suddenly weren't.
"Yeah, let's go," he said, grabbing his phone from where it was charging as well as his coat, and following his mom down to the car.
As predicted, things were weird between them for the stretch of the journey. Yuna had made a big show of handing him all the sacred shotgun duties that were usually hers. He was now in charge of the road trip CDs and the snacks, and though he planned to treat these duties with the same solemnity he treated his duties as alternate captain, he couldn't help but feel this was his mom trying to distract him. He wished she would just say something about the past month. If they could fix this, great – he wouldn't have to sit with this pit in his stomach for the rest of the trip. If they were going to fight about it, that was fine too. They could quietly seethe all the way to the lake, then pretend they were fine when Ilya and Irina got in the car. He just hated this nauseating uncertainty.
After about twenty minutes of awkward conversation, Yuna took a deep breath.
"Shane, I know you're still mad at me." Her fingers were gripping the steering wheel so tightly they were white. Clearly she wasn't any more prepared for this conversation than he was. And he was pretty fucking unprepared, it turned out. Despite willing this conversation to start just moments ago, now that it had, his heart had climbed to his throat and he felt like he might throw up.
"I'm trying not to be," Shane replied honestly.
"Oh, honey, I know, but you don't have to do that," said Yuna. She sounded heartbroken and sure enough when he looked up at her he saw that her eyebrows were furrowed the way they did when she was trying not to cry. "You're right to be mad. I fucked up. I know how hard it's been for you to make friends at school, and then the very first time you brought home a friend from school, I shit all over it. And I know it was because I was projecting a lot of my own stuff onto you. I had a lot of bad experiences with kids at school who were shitty to me because I was different, and I was… I was just scared for you. But I know you're not me, no matter how much Dad insists we're two peas in a pod. I know it's not fair to automatically assume things will always be the same way for you. I was supposed to be happy to see you happy and I'm just so sorry that I wasn't in that moment. And I'm also sorry it's taken me this long to say sorry. I always told myself I was going to be the kind of parent who apologized every time, and look at the mess I've made. I'm just… I'm really sorry, love."
Shane mulled his mom's words over, remembering his dad's reassurance that he didn't have to let go of it if he wasn't ready to. Shane knew she meant the apology, and he really wanted to forgive her, but there was still something gnawing at him, something that still felt gross underneath it all.
"I know you're sorry, Mom," he said, giving her that much. "But I guess the main thing that hurt was just… Look, I know you push me hard with hockey and I know why. I appreciate you being my unofficial manager and always pushing me to be the best. But sometimes I just… sometimes I just want you to be my mom, you know? And when you made it sound like I wasn't taking hockey as seriously now that I have friends, I don't know. It just made me feel like shit."
"Oh, honey," she said, really crying now and he felt his heart pang. He hadn't meant to hurt her feelings or anything. He was just tired of not being honest about how he felt.
Yuna pulled the car over and hit the emergency lights. Shane was hoping to break the tension a little by joking that they probably weren't meant to use that for emotional emergencies, but his mom had unclipped her seatbelt and turned to look at him, her face more serious and sad than he'd ever seen it before, and the words died on his tongue.
"I know I push you hard, love. Maybe sometimes too hard. And I know that you know I do it because going pro is your dream. It's all you've talked about doing since the first time you were in skates. And of course I love hockey, but it's never been about the hockey, you understand that, right? I would be the same way about any dream you had. If you told me tomorrow you didn't want to be a hockey player and instead wanted to be the world's best… I don't know, balloon animal sculptor or something, you know I would move heaven and earth to make that dream happen for you too. I'd be signing you up to study with the best balloon animal sculptors in the business. I'd be hunting down the best deals on quality balloons. You'd have a whole balloon room at the cottage. Your dad and I would pivot so hard from being hockey fans to balloon sculpture fans."
"I know, Mom." Shane laughed even as he felt tears prickling behind his own eyes.
Yuna took his hands in hers.
"But honey, I want to be so clear. I don't ever, ever want your dreams and me pushing you towards them to get in the way of you enjoying your life right now. You only get to do this part of your life once. And I'm sorry that what I said made it sound like hockey was more important than that."
She brought his hands up to her lips, like she used to when he was younger when he'd burned his palms on the stove, or caught his fingers in the door, or took a puck to his knuckles, kissing them better. Then she reached up and smoothed down his bangs in that way Shane was starting to realize was probably to soothe her as much as it was to soothe him.
"Can I let you in on a little secret?" She whispered conspiratorially. "This is my very first time doing this whole mom thing. I'm learning how to do a lot of this shit as I go. And sometimes, just when I think I'm nailing it, it turns out I'm actually getting it catastrophically wrong. So from now on can we make a deal?"
"Sure," said Shane.
"From now on, when something I've said or done has upset you and I haven't realized, you get to call a time out. Just like in a hockey game. And I promise, that no matter what I'm doing or where we are, I'll stop and you can call me out on it, okay? And look, sometimes it might be that there's a good reason for what I've said or done that you might not understand, and if that's the case I'll try my best to explain why I had to say or do that. But other times – probably a lot of the time – it'll be because I've really done something wrong and hurt you. And I promise that in those cases, I will always, always apologize to you. And I'll try not to take almost a whole month to do it next time. Deal?"
"Deal," said Shane, leaning forward to give his mom a hug. "Thanks, Mom."
"I love you so much, my Sun-Shane," she said, pulling the ridiculous childhood nickname she hadn't used in years and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Now how about we get this show on the road and make this the best week ever?"
Shane was only too happy to agree. As they pulled back onto the highway, Shane felt lighter than he had in weeks. He and his mom had worked things out, they were singing along (badly) to Celine Dion, the sun was starting to rise, painting the sky the most breathtaking colors, and he was about to see Ilya.
"Just to clarify though," said Yuna after about an hour on the road, just as Shane was starting to think that things had gotten suspiciously quiet. There was a hint of mischief to her voice that told him that whatever she was about to ask wasn't serious. Except that it kind of was. "If this Becca does like you, do you think you'd like her the same way?"
"Oh my god, Mom, no, time out," he laughed, even as his stomach churned a little.
"What? I'm just curious," she said. "This was your first time bringing a girl home, and your dad and I were wondering if maybe, perhaps, you'd invited her over because you…"
"No, god, Mom, she's just a friend. Not even a close friend – just a school friend. I promise. So can we drop the Becca thing now?"
"Okay then," said Yuna, gesturing zipping her lips, locking them, and throwing away the key, only to speak again not even ten seconds later. "But you do know that if you ever did like a girl, you could talk to us about it?"
"I know, Mom," he rolled his eyes. "I promise that if I ever do start developing a real crush you'll be the first to know about it." He regretted it as soon as he said it. It was a point-blank lie.
Because Shane did have a real crush, and they were on their way to pick him up right now.
It really was a crush. Shane couldn't lie to himself about it anymore, though he wished he could. There was nothing else it could be. All he thought about every day was Ilya Rozanov. How sweet he was, what an asshole he was (in the best way), how much he enjoyed it when they talked, what it had felt like to hold his hand, how good he always smelled when they hugged, how hot he'd looked without his shirt on, how badly Shane wanted to kiss him…
Despite what his mom might have said about enjoying his life as it was now, she didn't know the full truth. If she did, she'd probably be singing a different tune. Becca and the kids at school would be the least of her worries then. He couldn't like a boy and become a professional hockey player. There were no MLH players who liked boys. Or, if there were, at least none who talked about it. And as little as Shane seemed to understand the world, this was something he understood.
He was all to familiar with that word that got thrown around the locker room, on the ice, by kids in the hallway at school, by hockey supporters at games. How it always sounded like the worse sentence anyone could be handed. How it was always said with such hate and contempt that to Shane it seemed to contort the face of whoever used it into grotesque monsters.
And every time he heard it now, he tensed a little. Because even if it wasn't aimed at him, he knew it applied to him.
He liked a boy. He liked a boy more than he'd previously thought it was possible to like anyone. And he could never let himself have him because that would be the end of it. If it ever got out that he had feelings for Ilya, that would be the end of his career. Maybe even of Ilya's career. All that work and time and money his mom and dad had put into helping him become the best of the best, all of it would be wasted.
So as much as he liked Ilya, he decided he would suffer it silently. He would be his friend, enjoy their journey to becoming MLH pros together, and quietly wait for the day he'd hopefully meet a nice, safe, girl who made him feel the way Ilya did. And even if he didn't, that was fine too. Even if this raging inferno of feelings never went away, he'd find a way to manage it. He'd rather burn alive inside than do anything to burn the career and future he and Ilya were meant to have.
But even as he resigned himself to his fate, he knew that he was going to be terrible at it. Even now, after that long lecture to himself, he couldn't help but be thrilled that in a few short hours, Ilya would finally be close enough to touch again.
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7
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