EAT SHIT, JESSICA. IT'S CARROT. @fannishbehavior - Tumblr Blog

I’ve had this fucking Onion Headline saved for weeks in preparation

One of Ivanka Trumps neighbors pulled out her fur and poured some wine to watch the protesters in front of Ivankas house.

surprisebitch

a true ally

accioscrewdriver-deactivated201

torycanteven-deactivated2014092

THIS IS POSSIBLY THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN

melrows

This is Kjell Lindgren. He’s a NASA astronaut who just got back from 5 months on the International Space Station. There are two reasons why this picture is hilarious:

His wife is flawless and makes bad space puns to make him do household chores.

I have that shirt. Thousands of people have that shirt. That shirt is available at Target. Which means actual astronaut Kjell Lindgren, with his wardrobe already full of NASA-issued and logo-emblazoned clothes, was at Target, saw a NASA shirt, and was like, “Yes, I am buying this because this is what I want to spend my actual astronaut salary on.”

tl;dr NASA employs a bunch of fucking nerds

wolfayal

It gets better.

Courtesy of Wikipedia, here’s the poster NASA released for his mission to the ISS:

queerlyglittering

NASA confirmed for a bunch of fucking nerds

karama9

*wipes single tear*

They’re just too beautiful.

systlin

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.

NASA personnel are, like, the top nerds. The alpha nerds. The absolute nerdiest nerds. The nerds other nerds look to for nerdspiration.

#lulz #science

oblwankenobi

Kevin Bacon lashes sexist trend of unnecessary female nudity in cinema and television and demands more male nudity in Hollywood.

oblwankenobi

smartass-stripper

Kevin Bacon is a blessing

celtic-pyro-deactivated20230725

Level of spite: C. S. Lewis putting a lamp post in Narnia (and making it a minor plot point in at least two of his books) just because Tolkien insisted no true fantasy series would have a lamp in it.

libertarirynn-deactivated202006

If your salt levels haven’t reached CS Lewis, you’re not doing it right.

queensusan

And the best part is that Tolkien was literally his best friend

highreevecain-deactivated202502

odpixel

my man neil was just making a fun tweet and this cat straight up murdered him

tastefullyoffensive

(photo by bowlerhatbear)

dogbirthday

go with him

jumpingjacktrash

he wants to show you something

queerrussetpotato

he has a side quest for you

princekarkat

this is how people get taken by the fae

hollyoakhill

do you ever think about how little Michelangelo cared

dandraco

All right, everyone, grab a chair and sit back because I’m going to share with you what I learned about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel in my Art History Class.

The man NEVER wanted to paint the damn thing. But the pope at the time “forced him to” According to my teacher. Michelangelo hated this man, I MEAN REALLY HATED HIM. So did a majority of people. The pope’s nickname translated literally means “Terrible pope”.

And the working conditions were awful. He had to work on his back with all that paint, which is filled with some toxic shit that gave Michelangelo a limp for the rest of his life. (Also, our teacher made us get on our backs and try drawing with both hands JUST to prove how bad and uncomfortable it is.)

At the time, the ceiling was so high, you could barely see it. You need binoculars to get a good look at what’s up there, by the time people could see the paintings, there was a lot of weird symbolism that Michelangelo hid up there.

This one? The creation of the sun and moon? God is mooning you. And the pope and all others after him prayed under that without knowing.

This one? At the time, dissecting was sacrilegious and everyone found out how behind God was what looked like half a brain. blah blah, science, science, that pissed everyone off.

And also, ALLLLLLL the men and women in the Sistine Chapel are all on fucking steroids. My teacher described the women’s bodies as “Men bodies with boobs slapped on.”

And then there is this:

Now this is the back wall. Michelangelo actually wanted to paint this one after he finished the ceiling. (and there was a different pope too, I believe.) However, originally, EVERYONE in that painting was naked. And they didn’t like it. Adam and Eve naked? That’s cool. But Jesus? Now you crossed the line. So the pope at the time hired someone else to censor it and give the important figures clothes. He worked on it for 6 or 9 months before he died.

And then the symbolism in this one is great. Somewhere in the right, there are homosexuals in heaven. (No matter what, the Vatican will say “Those straight men are happy” I’ll get to that in a second), Michelangelo painted himself near Jesus, and the terrible pope is in hell with a snake biting his balls.

And if you were to point ANY of this out to the Vatican, they will deny all of it and claim Michelangelo was a catholic hero. In fact, when they discovered the symbolism around the 60s or 70s, the guy who told the Vatican was kicked out of the Vatican for life.

TL;DR: Michelangelo hated the pope and made the best “fuck you” of all time.

humanpersonface

YO. ALL OF THIS^. Michelangelo was hella grumpy all of the time. It was fantastic.

However, as beautiful as this commentary is, I’m gonna make a little correction. The Pope isn’t the one in hell getting his balls bitten; that guy is actually the Papal Minister of Ceremonies a the time, Biagio de Cesena.

See, when Michelangelo was painting this, as you said, lots of people were uncomfortable with all of the nudity (especially because the Last Judgement [back wall mural] was painted much later when nudity in religious art was even more controversial than before), but the dude who was the angriest was de Cesena.

He was so angry that he reportedly burst in on Michelangelo while he was working (which is already a big no-no because Michelangelo’s requirements for working were mostly “fuck the hell off and leave me alone or else I quit and I will stab you in the eye with my paintbrush/chisel”.). He then proceeds to tell Michelangelo that this fresco is disgusting and obscene and shame on him etc etc. He also referred to it as “i stui di nudi”, which means “A stew of nudes” which is one of the best descriptions of a thing ever, if you ask me.

So Michelangelo, probably on the cusp of homicide is like “Thank you for the notes. Now get the fuck out,” and de Cesena reluctantly does.

Later, he comes to see the finished product and finds that Michelangelo had painted his portrait down in Hell to represent the Minos, King of the Dead. He has the ears of an ass and the above described crotch biting snake:

Upon seeing this and being enraged, de Cesena went to the Pope to demand that it be changed and that Michelangelo be punished. However, the Pope was SO incredibly done dealing with Michelangelo’s snark, tantrums, and general hatred of the world and everyone in it, that he didn’t want to do shit.

The Pope’s response to him was literally to say “As Pope, I have a lot of influence on Earth and up in Heaven, but I have no jurisdiction in Hell. You’re shit out of luck.“

And it stayed.

Michelangelo, grade A artist, snark master, and professional dick.

commander-cullen-deactivated201

michaelangelo was literally the saltiest of all of the artists Also yes all his fem figures basically are men with women’s faces and slapped on cantaloupes for boobs.