I'm super struggling these days, mostly just with self esteem and worrying that I'll never be good enough, but then I had what I think is a panic attack the other day. I couldn't focus, playing with a fidget didn't help like it usually does, and I kept thinking about how worthless I am, and I couldn't get the evil voice in my head to go away. I don't think I could tell anyone, though, because I can't really trust my family members. Do you have any advice for if this happens again, or what to do?
First of all, let me tell you what I think about you. I only know you from a short anon message, but I can see without a doubt that you are brave, you are worthy, and you are enough. I’m sure you are billion other brilliant things, and this world is so lucky to have you. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, this is such a difficult and painful thing, but you are doing incredible fighting it! I’m glad to hear you have found something that usually helps your anxiety (I love fidgets too!) but it sucks that it doesn’t always work. Luckily I have some ideas of things you can add to arsenal and use whenever you start feeling this way, and if none of these work as well, we can always think of more!
1. When I get overwhelmed or feel like I’m being eaten alive by anxiety and thoughts of worthlessness, I like to look at dumb funny things to calm me down. I have a folder saved on my computer of gifs from tv shows with my very favorite moments. It distracts me and calms me down. If you have a pinterest account you could try making a board with funny posts. In another folder I keep a bunch of quotes that help me remember that I am enough. Those voices in your head are liars. You are enough, you have always been enough, and you will always be enough. It might help to write down or save some quotes that remind you of this. Some of my favorites are:
“There are no extra pieces in the universe. EVERYONE is here because he or she has a place to fill.” -Deepak Chopra
“The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of all kinds.” -Dalai Lama
“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am.” -Thomas Merton
“As it’s a weird form of vanity and narcissism to think you can personally decree what is or isn’t significant within this vastly complicated and mysterious universe.” -E.F. Nicholson
2. Talk yourself through what is happening. Explain what is going on to yourself like you would to a child. By this I mean say something like, “I have anxiety. Having anxiety is not my fault. Right now, my anxiety is making me feel worthless. I know this is not true. Right now I am in pain, but I know that it will go away. I am doing so good”. Don’t try to think of ways you could do better. Don’t try to force yourself to stop feeling how you are feeling. Gently talk yourself through what you are experiencing. Remind yourself that yes, it is painful, but the pain will end, and you are doing so good dealing with it.
3. I think one of the worst parts of the dark thoughts and evil voices is that they can seem like they are part of you, like they are floating around in the air you breathe. For me, it helps to think of your anxiety or doubts as something outside of you, with a physical shape. A dark blob, a person, or even a crazy squirrel having a bad day. Give your dark thoughts a shape, and feel free to yell at them, roll your eyes at them or call them mean names (they deserve it). Try drawing or writing a description. I don’t know why this helps so much, but it does for me.
I am so sorry you do not have the support you deserve from your family. I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone. Is there any way you could try talking to a doctor, or a therapist? There are lots of ways to find someone to help, do you work or go to school? There may be a way to find a counselor through there. You deserve to feel listened to, and you deserve to know you are not fighting alone, and you will never be abandoned. If you don’t feel like trying a doctor or therapist right now, you can always talk to me. I’m not a professional by any means, but I can share what things I do know, and I’m always more than happy to remind you whenever you need that you are good. You are great. You are needed so desperately and there is nothing you need to do or accomplish - you are already worth everything.
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