Flashes flicker before my eyes. I'm falling somewhere, somewhere into a heavy, dark void, like night. The warmth of suffocation slides over me and my thin, weak neck. I'm starting to break, the air rises right to my throat, and then runs out, there's less and less of it. Tears trickle from my eyes, wide-open in fear and helplessness. It seems I'm too weak. I'm simply an incapable, useless piece of meat, and skinny to boot. I remember people's furious cries that I need to eat more, but I'm afraid, afraid to the point of trembling, like a weak, helpless dog. I can hardly force even a morsel down, I think I'm going to throw up, my vision is darkening, I'm literally incapable of withstanding any pressure. But I have to be strong, no matter what it takes, I have to chain myself tightly in iron so that I can never escape again. I must endure all this, enduring it without shedding a single tear, without being hurt in the slightest. My nose is bleeding, I feel the warmth, but it still suffocates me. Perhaps I shouldn't discount my efforts, although they can hardly even be called efforts, just pathetic attempts to escape this darkness, which are foolish and only lead to me once again, weakened, and slightly distraught by this endless stream of emotions, like an old, lost blind dog, sobbing loudly, humiliatingly, amidst ridicule and evoking pity, blindly seeking salvation, I grope for those warm, bright feet of my angel that once gave me at least some hope. He doesn't love me, but he doesn't want me to die, because I'm a part of him. I become disgusting to him, he slowly disappears, moves away from me, he does not want to solve my problems and bear my heavy burden, I understand him, he wants to toughen me up, he can’t cut me up choking on tears, he chooses a more severe punishment for me, probably. It's just a pitiful sight, he disappears into this deaf emptiness that's not mine, leaving me alone with the tangle of thoughts that devour me at night, the fear recedes, it's quiet, dark, almost inaudible, only the loud thoughts in my head prevent me from focusing on this silence, and somehow mentally preparing for something big, for something coming that will finally break me, but it will also make me stronger, so that I, headlong and baring my teeth, personally and heartlessly, with one blow, kill that weak, pathetic me, endlessly seeking outside help and completely incapable of coping on my own. But while she's in me, and while she's inside me, I hate her, with all my body and soul, because this is not the me I would like to see in myself, and every time I look in the mirror I want to vomit. Not because of my appearance, not at all because of that. And because I see right through this fool, it is impossible to notice it right away, it appears as soon as a person shows a little bit of warmth towards me, I am pathetic, I am disgusting, I would wash my soul, I would rip out my heart, I would slash it with a very hot knife so that this pity and dirt would flow out of me in a stream, but for now I can’t, and that’s why I hate myself.
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