General Physician!Zayne who is there for his patient’s routine consultation and the patient reveals that her boyfriend tries to put his balls in the condom too and since Zayne has to remain professional, he’s holding in his laugh so bad he’s about to pee😂😂😂;
"So you see... Dr. Li. Umm this is something that's a bit personal? Are you sure you'd be fine with it?"
Zayne understood what she meant- it was something sexual.
No problem. Nothing new for him.
“It is fine if you wish to speak with me regarding intimate health. Though I should refer you to our gynaecologists for any examinations."
"It's not medical. I just want some advice."
Okay... but why is the she fidgeting? Zayne thinks but waits for her to speak.
The poor patient is so embarrassed- she knows she should probably talk with a sex therapist or a gynaecologist about this, but Zayne has been her GP for a while and she knows he's reliable and won't lead her astray.
So she gathers the courage and tells him-
"Whenever we- me and my boyfriend- initiate sex, he...he insists on putting his balls in the condom too."
The words replay in his head like a glitching audio file, each repetition more absurd than the last.
"How can I convince him that he doesn't need to to do that? He won't listen to me."
Zayne? He has to make an active effort to contain the snort that's threatening to escape his nose.
An effort that's exerting force on his bladder.
He knows the patient is deeply embarrassed, and his laughter will only make things worse.
His pen hovers perfectly still over his notepad. His expression remains unchanged- the same calm, attentive neutrality he wears for every patient consultation.
Inside, his diaphragm is seizing.
His balls. In the condom.
“I see,” he says, and his voice comes out almost normal. A fraction too measured. Like he’s reading a medication label out loud.
He shifts in his chair. Subtle. Just adjusting his posture. Definitely not because his bladder is starting to register alarm.
“Just to clarify,” Zayne says, and he has to pause. Breathe through his nose. The air whistles slightly. “He is attempting to fit both his… testicles and his penis into a single condom.”
“Yes!” The patient throws her hands up. “He says it’s ‘extra protection’ and that I ‘don’t understand male anatomy.’”
The pressure builds behind his sternum.
Zayne’s jaw tightens. The muscles around his mouth are doing something dangerous- a twitch, a betrayal-in-waiting.
You don’t understand male anatomy.
Lord above, he was going to urinate on his own office floor.
“Dr. Li? Are you okay? You look a little-”
“Fine.” The word comes out choked. He reaches for his water glass, mostly to hide the lower half of his face. The glass trembles faintly against his lips. “Completely fine. This is- ahem- a new one.”
His pelvic floor is doing heroic work right now. Absolutely heroic. He’s mentally reviewing every Kegel exercise he’s ever recommended to postpartum patients, and he’s praying.
“The condom,” he manages, setting the glass down with exaggerated care. “I assume it… fails to function as intended?”
“They break. Every time. And then he gets frustrated with the condom brand.”
Zayne makes a sound. It’s not quite a laugh. It’s closer to a goose being stepped on. He turns it into a cough into his elbow, but his eyes are watering.
“So what should I tell him?” the patient asks, looking at him hopefully.
What Zayne wants to say: Tell him to Google a diagram. Tell him to use his critical thinking skills. Tell him his testicles are not meant to be shrink-wrapped. Tell him to go attend a high-school sex education class.
What Zayne says, after a visible full-body pause where he stares at a spot on the wall and absolutely does not think about any of this:
“You may inform him- ha- that condoms are calibrated for penile circumference only. Adding testicular volume compromises structural integrity.” He presses his lips together. His leg is bouncing nervously under the desk. “Also. Semen is produced in the testicles, but it exits through the penis. Placing the testicles inside the condom does not provide additional protection against pregnancy or STIs. It simply creates… mechanical failure points.”
His voice cracked on penis. He’s twenty-seven years old. He’s a board-certified physician. He’s discussing a man putting his balls in a condom. A grown man old enough to have sex.
“So if I just tell him that-”
“Yes.” Zayne stands up abruptly. His chair wheels back. “Yes, tell him that. In those exact words. And if he continues to... to not listen-” He really is trying his best, he swears “... refer him to a urologist or our dedicated sex therapist. I will write the referral myself.”
The patient looks relieved. “Oh, thank you, Dr. Li. I knew you’d take it seriously.”
He walks her to the door- walks carefully, mincingly, like a man crossing thin ice over a very deep lake- and closes it behind her.
For three seconds, he stands there, forehead pressed against the cool wood, breathing.
He returns to his desk silently, types out the referral and instructions, submits it into the patient's digital file.
Then he puts his head in his hands and laughs until his stomach hurts.
Goodness, what kind of men are women dating these days...