Tales from Dating

34. Male. New Jersey.

[fernfrenzy]

The Cake Pop

Every once in a while, I will do “cutesy” things on a first date. **Correction** I will attempt at doing “cutesy” things to, you know, help me stand out and leave a good impression. On my first date with “The Eye Roller” (click for story), I decided we meet at Starbucks after I got off work.  We’ve been talking for a few weeks and this was the only time that worked. 

Me: (thinking about what to order) What the hell do I order? What do you call a Large drink? Is it a Venti? Whatever, I’ll just go with my usual cold iced tea drink. **looks to my left** Oh! Look at that! Cake pops! I kinda want a cake pop. Hmm, I wonder if she’ll like a cake pop. Hell yeah, she’ll like a cake pop... who the hell wouldn’t like one? 

Me: I’ll have a mango iced tea fusion - Large - aaaaaaaand two chocolate cake pops, please. 

Me: (internally) Cool. And now I wait. But I kinda want my pop now. 

**15-ish minutes pass by and she arrives**

Me: Hey! Nice to finally meet you. I’m sitting over here. So while I was waiting in line, I saw some cake pops and I just couldn’t say no to them. I hope you like chocolate.  Her: Sorry, I’m on Keto. Me: (perplexed) What that?  Her: It’s this really strict diet where I can eat a lot of protein and fats, but no carbs. Me: Sounds like Atkins Her: (eyerolling) No, It’s not. But I can’t eat that.  Me: Ok. 

**I grab my cake pop and start eating it. It’s delicious** 

[fernfrenzy]

The Fake Geek

Some things you can fake - an orgasm, a friendship, an ID. Other things, however, are a lot harder to fake and in this particular date, it’s like she didn’t even try. 

So I match up with this girl on one of the dating apps and she’s pretty cool. We quickly start swapping pictures (the clean kind) and I see that she likes superhero and comic book stuff. She would send me pictures of new geeky shirts she’d buy then wear them out in public. That’s awesome because it’s pretty rare for a girl to be very open about liking geek/nerd stuff. Men will literally FLOCK to a female wearing a Captain America t-shirt because they “understand” their geek-dom and won’t make fun of us for liking what we like. It’s (yes) sexy and (at the very least) super cute. So I was latched. 

When we finally met up for our first date, she was exposed. **insert huge bubble letter font to say - OOF** did she really make a mistake. She led with the the question:

Her: So what’s your favorite DC movie?  Me: Oh man. Well, DC has a pretty terrible track record.  Let’s not even talk about Justice League and the abomination that was Batman V. Superman. But I’d have to say, a little obviously, The Dark Knight. Almost everything about that movie is a perfect 10. How about you? Which DC movie do you put above the rest?  Her: Deadpool! It was sooo funny.  Me: ..... *internally puttering “b-b-b-but Deadpool is a Marvel movie. It’s nnnnot even in the same universe!! what should I do? correct her? That would come across as pretty douchey. But how could you mix up the two? She even bought a Deadpool shirt and the tag says MARVEL in white lettering. Ok, Ok... Let it go, Fern. Let it go.**  Me: Ummmmmmm........ nevermind.

So you see, this is basic DC v. Marvel geekdom and if you can’t tell which character belongs to which, you’re a faker! Don’t claim you like geek stuff and not know about geek stuff! 

[note - No, this was NOT the dealbreaker. LOL.]

[fernfrenzy]

Smooth

Date #2, after wings & drinks dinner

Her: What do you want to do? Want to find a bar?  Me: I actually just want to walk around town. It’s very nice out.  Her: Ok.

**Time started going quick talking about family and being 1st generation kids. It’s going pretty great**

Her: I know there’s a Starbucks somewhere around here. I feel like i need something to hold in my hand as I walk. Me: You mean, like this? (as I casually extend my hand out to hers) Her: Oh wow! THAT was smooth.  Me: I couldn’t have timed it better myself ;-)

[actingoutlaw-blog]

Anchors UP

In my humble opinion, anchors are a terrible “symbol” in relationships.  They are the nautical version of a ball and chain.  Forgive me, but the purpose of an anchor is to stop forward motion and hold things in place.  I can’t imagine a worse quality in a partner or friend.  After much thought, I’ve decided to pledge, instead, to being a lighthouse.  In a sea of turmoil, and uncertainty, I will lead you to solid ground.  I will be the beacon of light in the darkness, guiding you home.  I will forever light the path to safe harbor.  I will symbolize hope and help you navigate through menacing waters.  You may not need me, but my light will shine on regardless for times when you do.  

[fernfrenzy]

The Eyeroller

I knew I had a bad feeling about this one. Something didn’t quite sit well while we were texting but decided to meet her because, why not?! 

**Very early in our date**

Me: I tend to be more on the spontaneous side when I travel. I’ll check out the big things, but I don’t plan much. 

Her: (eyerolling) But you might miss something!

Me: Yeah, I suppose. But I regret not checking out Platform 9 and ¾ when I was in London. I totally would have posed under it! 

Her: What’s that??

Me: Oh, it’s a Harry Potter reference.

Her: (eyerolling) Oh, I never got into that.

Me: **annoyed** What? Really? Oh, that’s a shame. My brother and sister actually got me into Harry Potter and it’s one of my favorite book series. It’s so well done and such a satisfying read! 

Her: No. Never got into it. (eyerolling) But anyway, when I travel, I need to stay in hotels.

Me: I stayed in hostels in Europe and it was a lot of fun. Why stay in hotels when all you’re doing is leaving your stuff and adventuring out anyway? 

Her: (eyerolling) Because your bags could get stolen. 

Me: (internally screaming “STOP YOUR DAMN EYEROLLING! JEEZ!!!) 

Her: How old are your brothers and sisters? 

Me: Oh, my sister is 39 and my brother is 28. I’m right in the middle! Ha! Do you have any siblings? 

Her: No. My parents stopped at perfection.

Me: (EYEROLLING) ... Yeah, ok... 

[fernfrenzy]

That Time I Went on a Date with a Racist

In no particular order, here are some conversations that were had between me and the girl I met from one of those dating sites. Just so you know, when a Spanish person calls a white person a “blanquito,” it’s typically meant as an insult. It’s said in a derogatory and negative connotation to make white people seem ignorant and less than. 

- When she first walks in -  Her: Do you come to this bar a lot? There are a lot of blanquitos.  Me: Huh... (looks left, looks right, scopes the bar) I didn’t notice. Are you ok with that? Her: No.  Me: What if it was full of black people? Her: Oh, God, no! Me: Jesus... What if there were cholos? ha Her: Yeah, I’m ok with that. 

- I wore a button down shirt and slacks. aka work clothes. -  Her: You said you’re Peruvian, right? You look like a blanquito. Me: I think you mean, I look like a professional. I wore this to work.

Her: All blanquitos think they are superior and entitled. Why are they all loud and cheering? Me: It happens to be Trivia Night. I wish I knew about it. I probably would have played, too. 

- Talking about my current lesson in the classroom -  Me: So I’ve been showing this video from Teaching Tolerance about a children’s march for desegregation around the 60s. It’s amazing powerful stuff and want to encourage my students to peacefully protest and stand up for things they believe in. Whether it’s about stricter gun laws or black lives matter, it’s important for them to be knowledgeable. Her: But those blacks deserved to get shot.  Me: What?!!!?! Are you..... 

- Talking about movies -  Her: The last movie I saw was Beauty and the Beast. It was very, very good. Me: Oh, that’s cool. I love going to the movies! I actually have MoviePass where I pay $8 a month and can watch as many movies as I can. I recently saw Ready Player One and it was amazing!  Her: I never heard of this MoviePass. It must be a blanquito thing.  Me: Umm... no. It’s a smarty thing. 

- Talking about traveling -  Her: I go to Mexico to visit family every year.  Me: Oh, that’s cool. Have you been to any other places? He: No. Just Mexico. Have you been?  Me: Oh yeah! I’ve been to many different cities including Cancun, Guadalajara, Manzanillo, and Puerto Vallarta. Her: Oh, that’s where all the blanquitos go.  Me: Yeah, and it’s Awesome (!) and a lot of Fun (!)

Me: You know, I used to be a lot like you.  Her: What do you mean? Me: Saying blanquito-this and blanquito that. Thinking I was better than everyone, but I got to experience other cultures and different perspectives as I got older. It’s nice that you have a strong connection to your heritage and culture, but I don’t and I’m OK with that. After being in this country for over 30 years, why haven’t you culturally assimilated to your surroundings? Her: What does assimilated mean? Me: To adopt, to embrace, to learn, to accept, to be a part of. Her: Because my culture is better.  Me: .....

Me: Check Please! (Looking at the check) Oh, can you split up our drinks? I just had the one Jack and Ginger. Bartender: There’s a $10 minimum. Have her give you cash.  Me: Gee.... Thanks for the tip!! 

[fernfrenzy]

Corporate

Me: So what is it that you do in your job, exactly?  Her: I work in the corporate field focusing on brand extension and expansion. I’m in charge of making a small website into a profit machine.  Me: Wow. Huh... that sounds a lot like Buzzfeed. I used to love Buzzfeed. Her: Yeah! Exactly like that! What do you mean “used to?”  Me: Yeah, I used to go there all the time! I loved how small Buzzfeed was and how I, at first, really related to many of the articles posted. They were like my spirit animal. haha! But then they blew up and now they aren’t as fun anymore. It’s like they tried too hard to become a go-to hub for all entertainment and there’s already enough of that. 

And let me guess.... you were part of that expansion? Her: Yes, I was responsible for that.  Me: **sips my Long Island. plays with ice. purses lips. doesn’t apologize. laughs awkwardly** 

[fernfrenzy]

That Time I Finally Got a Connection

I’ve never been lucky with Tinder and Bumble. I don’t have shirtless pics to display my rockin’ round bod the shape of Shrek. So when I see a notification that I got a connection, I regain my cool, place my thumb on my touch ID thing multiple times (because it NEVER works the first time) and open Bumble. 

I swipe through her pictures to reach where she’s located (very important). Score! She’s from NJ. Excellent! She’s 31. Dammit! She’s trans. 

My luck, eh? 

[fernfrenzy]

Absent

I’ve taken a break from writing because, well, to be honest, it got the best of me. My blog started getting notoriety and I was getting offers to write for various websites. As flattering as it was, I squandered some opportunities that could have ended my single-ness.  I can’t put the blame solely on that, though. There were other reasons. 

I’m not a player by any means, but was perceived as one and I didn’t like it. I didn’t (always) go around purposefully breaking a girl’s heart. Also, friends forgot that as often as I told dating stories, there were many because they didn’t work out.  They just didn’t work... out. My gimmick got old and I was over being a serial dater. The fun ran out and self-esteem started to take a hit.  

There were also people on my Facebook that saw me as a guy who just wanted rack my number and THAT was a complete “umm, no.” So, I sorta cancelled myself out of potentials because of this (not like I had any chance, but still)! 

So I went on a break; A hiatus, if you want to call it that. But there were stories... many more stories. So I’m going to share some untold ones and some that will come along the way. My format will vary from super short, tweet-like posts, to deep and reflective ones. I’ve actually been thinking about creating another blog outside of tumblr for my deep and reflective ones. I’ll see what happens. Overall, it’s for entertainment purposes. 

[fernfrenzy]

Tests

We all put a potential significant other through these tests.  The “paying the bill” test; The “who calls whom” test; back in the day, people used to have the “opening the driver’s door” test. These are little obstacles people must pass to win our approval. We have to have some sort of standards, no? 

There is one test, however, that is tough to beat. And if that potential other doesn’t pass it, well, it’s not going to last long. Nothing is harder than winning the “friend test.” You know, it’s the one where you either have to be on your best (or most natural) behavior and hope you are accepted.  It sort of sounds like a group job interview and it can be scary as hell.  You are basically being put in front of a few friends and they will judge QUICKLY! Some friends let you know immediately of their approval while others will tell you soon after it’s all over.  Me? I can just tell if they passed or not.  

My friends mean a lot to me and I really value their opinion.  They know me real well and they’ve seen me in relationships.  So they can easily tell if someone is going to last.  Then again, so can I.  A potential significant other MUST be able to chill and hang with my crew.  It’s important because I won’t censor myself and won’t hold back. 

It’s a shame when they don’t pass the test, though.  Sometimes, they don’t like me when I’m around them. I don’t blame them; I can be vulgar and not so gentlemanly but I’m not going to be like “Surprise!! This is the real me!!!” 4 months into a relationship.  It’s not just me, though. If she doesn’t make the effort, then it won’t work out. If she doesn’t participate in our conversations, it won’t last. 

I’m perfect in social situations, though.  I’m usually pretty passable. lol  I’m kidding!

[fernfrenzy]

Church

Well, that’s what I get by signing up for Christian Mingle: a church date! 

I stumbled upon a Living Social deal for a ridiculously low price on that site for 3 months. I said “Screw it, why not? I can easily blow $30 on food and drinks on a weeknight with my buddies. What’s the worse that can happen!” 

Well.... there’s a reason why it was on Living Social.  

For nearly two and a half months, I communicated with no one.  I made some first moves in hopes of finding a decent human being because, let’s be honest, there are a lot of scum bags (guys and girls) out in these internet dating sites. But it wasn’t meant to be. Also, there were a lot (I repeat, A LOT) of highly fanatical Christians. 

I know, I know... that’s what I get for signing up for “CHRISTIAN” Mingle! But the level of worship 90% of these people had for God and Christ was overwhelming.  I wasn’t trying to put up a facade, or even trying to connive someone into sin, but merely trying to meet someone with whom I can match intellectually, physically, and even spiritually.  So after two and half months, I finally started talking to someone.  

She was nice. We had some things in common, such as being outdoorsy and liking similar music, and was positive about life. We met a few times, had dinner, hiked, and hung out with friends. Things were going well until... she hung out with my friends (that’s another blog post).  I sensed it wasn’t going well, but I had agreed to go on a church date with her because “why not.” 

I’m pretty sure I had dreams about me burning up the second I stepped in and saw the cross because I haven’t gone to church in ages! It’s not my thing. And now that I take kickboxing, I’d rather go to a class Sunday morning than go to church. Anyway, my feelings towards church was that it wasn’t for me. 

Well, the church she belongs to is pretty f’n cool! No Lie! When I walked in (no, I didn’t burn to ashes), there was a band playing and it was reminiscent of a rock concert with the lights and everything.  This was totally NOT what I thought it was going to be like. They had screens where they projected the verses and psalms with cool pictures in the background and the pastor/priest shared the story of Jacob with such passion that it made me want to come back next week! There was, like, a cliffhanger! My only criticism was that we didn’t line up to receive the bread, but whatever. 

It was fun and I’d actually check it out again. However, I’d have to make sure I don’t run into the girl because after we said goodbye, that was the last we spoke. We sort of just ghosted each other. 

[fernfrenzy]

SPT

I have this weird condition that's rare for Hispanic people. It's called being early to places. I don't know how it developed, but I have it hardcore. I tend be early to things... Especially dates.

Me: Hey, so is meeting at 8 for coffee a good time? Her: Yeah, that's perfect.

*** Day of date ***

Me: Hey! Just letting u know I got here. (I'm 10 minutes early). Her: Oh no! I'm not even ready! Ok. I'll leave very soon! Me: **in my head** 😑😒😡😡 Ughhh!!!!! Ok, it's cool. Maybe something happened and she couldn't get out of it. Maybe she has a legit reason other than SPT (explained later).

35 minutes later!

Her: Hi, I'm so sorry for being late. I'm always late. For work, in always on time, but for everything else I'm just late. But you understand, right? You're Spanish, too! You know all about "Spanish People Time."

Me: **in my head - she f'n pulled that excuse. She REALLY blamed her lack of being on time b/c she’s Hispanic. Couldn’t f’n believe it.** Me: Yeah, I understand that... I hate it, actually... But I also understand the concept of punctuality. My friends actually hate that I'm ON TIME to things. You can say I run on "White People Time.” 

She arrived late, which was ok, actually because I ran into an old coworker whom I haven’t seen in a long time so we were able to watch up.  Ha.

[fernfrenzy]

Speed Dating 2.3

Dude was wasted!!!!!!

Ok, now that I gave you the ending, let me go back in time and tell you how it started!

So speed dating works just like you have seen it in the movies and tv shows.  Girls sit in one spot and guys rotate from one person to the next.  It’s an unfair advantage the girls have since they can size us up and quickly choose to not write our names on their list of matches.  

This one night, we were at a restaurant and it was pretty packed.  Guys and girls had drinks in their hands and it was going smooth.  Actually, the more drinks you have the better the time everyone has...

UNTIL!

Until one person has just one too many drinks and can’t hold himself together.  There was a guy to the left of me who got a little whiskey happy and made a scene.  Remember, the guys are the ones who move and the transition isn’t always the smoothest.  You have to consider how much room there is between chairs, and the tables, and if you happen to drag the tablecloth with you when you get up (totally happened to me), and the awkward hello when you finally sit down.  There’s a lot going on! 

Well, it was time to end one date and move on to the next one.  You hear the **ding, ding, ding** signaling us to start wrapping up and transition to the girl on the right.  I got up, moved to the right, and said “Hi” to the next girl.  The next thing I hear is Dude on my left say loudly “No! I’m Ok. I’m fine! I’m good” while on the floor.  Apparently, he tried to move from chair to chair without getting up and he fell in between, bringing the table cloth with him! It was a highly embarrassing scene... for him! But he didn’t care; he wanted to keep going.  I actually felt bad for the girl who I just “dated” because she was stuck with him, but I’m sure she has a great story to tell as well. The emcee of the event even offered him a refund, but Dude didn’t want it.  Kudos to him for keeping at it, but at this point, my date and I were just watching him interact during his date! It was hilarious and he provided a great ice breaker for the next two people on my right.  

Yeah, I made fun of him and made good jokes. What was he going to do? Dude was wasted!!!!!

[fernfrenzy]

Speed Dating 2.2

Thou shall never express dislike of Beyonce to a woman of color when speed dating. 

I guess that’s a thing, right? It’s “illegal” to say you don’t like her because she’s just Beyonce. Well F that! Here’s the story... lol

**having a very silly, sarcastic exchange with Speed Dater #15 (SP15), she’s telling me how she’d love to be a photo journalist and work for a “girly magazine.”**

Me: Oh! A girly magazine? Like Cosmo!? I love their quizzes!!  SP15: Haha! No!  Me: Oh sorry! So more like, uhhh... Teen Bop?! Want to find half naked pics of Zac Effron and photoshop 4 more abs? Haha SP15: No, not like those magazines! Me: Oh, then we’re not a match. If I can’t take a quiz with Zac Effron on the cover, it’s not going to work out. Haha! SP15: **cracking up** No, I’d love to work for Vogue and (some other magazine I can’t remember). Me: Ohhh.... ok. Well who would you put on the cover?

**** Ding, Ding, Ding! Alright Daters, time is up. Please move to your left. ****

SP15: Ok, I’d love to put someone like Beyonce on the cover.  Me: (I over-exaggerate me being taken aback and do the whoa, whoa, whoa hand movements) Oh... Her... Yeah, I can’t stand Beyonce. We definitely can’t match each other. Haha

**She turns to the girl next to her Speed Dater 16 (SP16), the girl I’m going to meet and tells her, “Watch out for this guy, he hates Beyonce!” The girl, who is black, without missing a beat says, “Next!”**

Me: (sitting half embarrassed, but still laughing, I think to myself, “What am I going to say now?! Wait, I got it!!) SP16: So you don’t like Beyonce? Me: Well, to my defense... No, I don’t. I like Destiny’s Child, but not Beyonce. SP16: (She brings her hand up to the side of her face like she’s going to whisper to me) Don’t tell anyone, but me too. 

**We high five each other**

[fernfrenzy]

Speed Dating 2.1

Speed dating is fun. The first time I did it was last year when I ran into someone I went on a date with and didn’t remember her (whoops!!!) here’s the link! But this one had many stories all in one speed dating event. Here’s the first:

I arrive at the location right on time and I begin to scope out my competition.  I get approached by a guy and we start talking. He reminded me of a very nervous Hank Hill, only he was wearing a blue suit and a yellow tie. A Blue SUIT and a Yellow Tie. What was this?? A Debate? No! It’s speed dating in a bar/restaurant! 

Me: Hey Him: Hello.  Me: First time doing this? Him: Oh? Oh. Uhh, Yeah. Yeah it is.  Me: Dude, you have nothing to be worried about.  Him: Yeah, Yeah, you’re right. I’m just so nervous. Me: (in my head) **Awwww. ** Nah, there’s nothing to worry about. You’re meeting a bunch of people in a short amount of time and some you might see again, some you might not.  Just make the best of it.  Him: Th-Th-Thanks. **wipes, sweat off his brows**

I wonder if he got any matches with his business suit and power tie? He probably did, lucky MFer! lol

[fernfrenzy]

A Kiss

A kiss says a lot.  After a very successful date, a kiss can be the deal breaker.  

Me: This was a great night! Let me walk you to your car Her: Sure. Thanks.  Me: So, I’m not sure about you, but I had a nice time tonight. :-) Her: I did too and I’d like to see you again!  Me: Yeah, definitely! I know it’s a busy time for us right now with the holidays but let me know when is good for you.  Her: Let’s aim for next Wednesday.  Me: Sounds like date number 2. Her: It does and I like that. Here’s my car. 

** I look at her and think to myself, “Sweet. This is nice. Good conversations, good times, a good date!” I go in to kiss her. ** ** A Kiss** ** Oh no. The kiss was ..... underwhelming. No sparks, no passion, no chemistry, nothing. It was like pressing your thumb and index finger and kissing that! Maybe she was nervous?? Perhaps she doesn’t kiss in public? It was just one kiss**

Me: (fake smiling) I’ll see you Wednesday :-)

- Date #2 - 

** Yeeeeah... There is absolutely no chemistry. This is not going to work. A kiss matters a lot** 

[fernfrenzy]

Class

Ever go on a date and you just run out of things to say???

Like, you’re at the bar trying to get a feel for each other and the conversation is ... just... going... NO... WHERE! 

Oh boy, it was rough! Now, I’m a talker. I can bring up things to say or joke about, but I need material.  I need an “in” for my humor to shine. If you are very deadpan and, well, boring, it’s just not going to go well.  

The thing was, it would have been easier if she was not easy to look at because, man, she was pretty. I’m not going to say “smokin’ hot,” but very genuinely pretty.  But if you can’t carry a conversation with me, then yeah... i’ll start making shit up to entertain Myself. For example:

Me: **thinking to self** Shit... I’m running out of things to say and this girl gives me close ended answers. Ugh!! So damn annoying!! Wait a minute... I know what will get her talking - Travel! Everyone loves to talk about traveling!

Me: So tell me, do you have any trips or adventures planned this year?  Her: I thought about going to Jamaica.  Me: Oh really?  That’s cool. First time? I’ve never been to a Caribbean island, but I want to. Her: No. I’ve been there before.  Me: Nice. Her: Yeah. Me: Yeah. 

**Me playing with my beer glass, spinning it in circles, keeping it on the Sam Adams coaster**

Me: **thinking to self** Ok, I’m bored. If she shows this much enthusiasm when talking about traveling, then I can’t remotely imagine her talking about music and hobbies.  Time to make shit up!!

Me: You know where I always wanted to go? (not really) Greece!  **I seem to have gained her interest!! She asks “why?!” Me: Yeah! There’s so much history behind it and the tales that came out of there are just fascinating!! (I bring this up because Greece is the current unit we are learning about in 6th grade social studies. Thanks, Mr. G!!!) 

**I see her tilt her head and she’s looking at me like she’s thinking “wow, he’s so educated!”** Her: I don’t know much about Greece, but tell me more about it. What are some of the things you want to see? Me: **thinking to self** Shit!! I wish I paid more attention in class! We just started the unit and I only know the vocabulary words. ha...ha...ha... ..... Me: Oh my god, I would love to visit the island of Crete and see the ancient frescoes that were painted on the walls! Maybe explore a labyrinth and get lost on purpose just for fun. (And that’s all I got!!) Her: That sounds great.  Me: Yeah! Her: Yeah. 

**Here we go again. Me playing with my beer glass, spinning it in circles, keeping it on the Sam Adams coaster**