I have two big job failures that I think of in my life. The first was when they asked me to be after school coordinator at my church. They wouldn’t allow me to run things the way I wanted, just wanted me to run it the way they had been, and I quit after being gaslit and never paid.
Then the next one, I was hired as an admission counselor and me keeping the job was contingent upon getting my drivers license. I tried really hard, but because everyone was working, I didn’t have a lot of time to practice. I failed my drivers test. I was an ugly crying mess on the drive home. I then got fired, and understood. The problem was my supervisor lied to his supervisor because I was really good at recruiting. I still to this day think it’s something I do really well.
I am now in a position with much more responsibility and less control than ever to actually do what needs to be done to make the company successful in the long run. I’ve not performed in a long time. I’ve lost my joy. My father has been going through a radiation/chemo treatment, and I’ve been home for a lot of it, helping out. Nothing too big physically, but emotionally, him having a cancer diagnosis less than a year after my mother passed away has been a lot.
Now the rub of it all, is that I have accomplished a few things that were dreams for me. I thought leveling up and being a leader was what I wanted, but I’m not sure. I’m not sure if it’s just because of life in the sense of, I haven’t had a break, I used to be okay doing work that I didn’t love because I had music to do in the evenings. Now that’s not the case. But now, more than ever, I just wanna sing.
My fears have been in appearance. That they won’t like me or accept me because I’m bigger. And I don’t know if they would, but I feel like I know more than I ever have, and I want to find a way to make music again, make art. Create moments, tell stories. That’s really what I want to do. I was looking for an assistant producer job so hard, and nothing came up. I love producing podcasts, telling stories, archiving, creating sound. I’ve done some voice over gigs lately, and I think I’m getting really good. I want to put a reel together. I want to shop my screen play as instead a 6 episode series. I want to create a ballet with my music. I want to tell stories of Black music and Black women and Black families. I want to look at how to have safer communities. This is not executive level work, which is where I’m at now.
I have a problem committing to things. Exercise, diet, practicing, routine gets away from me, unless I’m at work. I need to recenter myself. I’m really out of alignment. I’ve been whining to my friends, so instead I thought I’d whine here. I feel really stupid for these feelings. That I should just be grateful. And I am indeed very grateful. I just need to give myself space to figure out what the fuck I want.
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