And deep in my heart, I could only hope that, truly, the worst must have passed by now.
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And deep in my heart, I could only hope that, truly, the worst must have passed by now.
It hurts being in the rain, not able to kiss the sunshine, nor the shadows, but a mere passing feeling that leaves me in nostalgia.
And sometimes, I hope, I will be able to care.
Sometimes, I become what they assume of me.
polish government has opened a website for ukrainians seeking safety and trying to cross the ukrainian-polish border:
ua.gov.pl
as of 13:10 polish time, it has been said as many people as possible will be let through the borders. they are also supposed to let through children who do not have passports, as to not divide families.
Years ago, when Tumblr was still owned by Yahoo, Yahoo wanted Tumblr to use their video player, rather than Tumblr’s own video player. This was partially to unify analytics, but mostly because Yahoo planned to put pre-roll ads on Tumblr videos. You know those unskippable Youtube ads? That’s what was going to happen to Tumblr videos.
The only reason it didn’t happen out is because Tumblr staff pushed back on the idea, saying it was absolutely idiotic and would anger users beyond their breaking point.
The next time you’re angry at staff for fucking up something a lil bit, or trying to make money in some optional way, keep this in mind.
In my experience, Tumblr staff cares more about their users than the staff of any other social media website. Most staff members are longtime users themselves and care deeply about the culture of this platform. I understand it’s become kind of a funny meme to get mad at and tear down tumblr staff, but I would warn against taking them for granted, we all know how much worse it can be. Absolutely call them out on terrible/harmful decisions when warranted, but know that they do care, and they are trying, and maybe it’s ok to appreciate that just a little bit, every once in a while.
Stars, Snakes, Flames, and Letters
Word count : 5266
Pairing : Renaissance painter Harry X Noble Y/N
Warning : Slight peek of domestic abuse; forced diet; arson.
Synopsis : Y/N is to get married to the nephew of Viscount, Carl. But her heart lurches for the one she has been writing letters to for the past few days. Everyone is deaf to her pleas until she takes matters in her own hand
_________
“ Dear Harry,
I saw you at Ethan’s atelier earlier today. You looked pretty focused on the decoration. I wonder if you need some time off from your master. You have been working day-in and day-out after all. I always see you by the church nowadays, trying to paint the ceiling, although most times Ethan likes to push you away. He must love you too much to put you in that danger. You have got very beautiful, skilled hands, I must say, giving a feminine and masculine touch wherever necessary. The painting of me that you brought in the other day was really extravagant. I can just wish and believe that you were the one who added the color to the blank canvas and not Ethan.
I don’t like to see you striving day and night, only to find you on the ground beneath the stars to call it a day. I am afraid, you might someday fall off the wooden pillars or get bitten by snakes when you sleep on the ground. You might just call me paranoid, but I would call it being worried. I hope to hear soon from you. Be safe.
Yours,
Y/N”
Rolling the letter and tying a string around it to keep it safe, you get out of the study, trying not to bump into any of the servants or the guards. Soon, there would be people trying to pull you in for your etiquette class or dance class and you completely despised that. You had a proper enthusiasm for art. That was probably the main reason why you took an interest in Harry. He was an enthusiastic lad, using all of his muscle energy to hold up ladders and hang from high spaces to be able to paint.
You wrapped a red scarf around your face, so as to hide from people and walked to the stable, where your favorite horse, a black and white Appaloosa, was being taken care of.
“Hey Ron”, you walked closer to the horse, cupping its relaxed face as the creature walks towards you and leans forward, observing another familiar white sheet that was to be delivered. He let out a breath, mocking you. “Hey, don’t be like that, show some support here. I am trying to win him”, you say, smiling at the creature. “Miss Y/n, are you around?”, there were people searching for you already, and quite desperately. “Please let’s make it quick”, you mutter before undoing its ropes and straddling it. Giving the leash a fine tug and whip, you let the horse ride you through the back gates of the fort which hadn’t been clearly maintained for years. You didn’t need to tug at the leash for long because moments later, Ron stopped in front of the church. Your gloved hand tugged on the leash to get Ron onto the side and tie him to a low pillar. Inside the church, men went in and out like ants, the females only bringing in food and water for them. You suddenly spot Harry, standing on a makeshift ladder, splashing the baby blue hue all over the wall and spreading it around. He looked child-like under the ochre light that fell from the skylights. His shirt which was open halfway through had absorbed certain hues of brown and yellow, and now this certain shade of baby blue.
You smiled looking at him.
“Yo lady, do you have any work in here?”, a masculine sound voiced from behind you. A completely clothed male with papers that looked important asked you. “I am just a mere messenger, I need to deliver it to someone”, you cooked up a lie and the man laughed, in a loud voice. You felt your cheeks go hot under the red scarf. “You are dressed too well to be a messenger, young lady”, his voice boomed and now you could spot Harry’s furrowed eyes on you. You had never spoken to him before, just delivering letters to him. His gaze, intensifying on you, made you sweaty.
At first, it was a plan of mischief, to piss off your father as he pressed on to get you engaged with some nobleman, but, you still wanted to discover a lot of things for you spent days caged in the fort. When the nephew of Viscount, Carl, had taken you to the church, showing off his plans, you had instantly taken a liking to Harry, his hardworking and cold demeanor, just getting to you even more.
From the corner of your eye, you could see Harry settle down the bucket of paint and climb down the stairs.
“That must be for me”, he came towards you, taking the letter from you, saving you from further embarrassment.
“Huh? Since when did lowly creatures like you start getting considerate letters from people? You are saying to me that you are that important?”, the cloaked man left no room in berating Harry, as if he had been looking for a chance to do so. Suddenly there was a sharp noise of a slap in the room and in the next moment, Harry was lying on the ground, taking in kicks after kicks to his stomach from the clothed man who looked furious. Your blood was now curdling with fury and you were about to take out your dagger to finish this cloaked man once and for all, but then, Harry spoke up, “Got...a mother...and a sister...back home...They are often...worried”, and you knew this was a blatant lie.
The man stopped kicking the man and huffed. “Even if you don’t look like it, you have a family too. Huh, who would’ve guessed! Master shouldn’t be taking lowly creatures like you as his apprentice, you shame us high nobles who are more worthy of being under Master Ethan. You are good for nothing”, with those few words he walked away with his pride in his hand. You watched his walking figure as if you were ready to rip his head off and to be brutally honest, you were. But right then, you heard a coughing movement from below and looked at Harry writhing in pain and quite a little blood.
“Are you good, young man?”, you asked, with a soft voice quite reaching his soul.
“I am good. Thank you”, he says as you help him up. “Is that a letter for me?”, he asks and you nod, handing him the paper which is now crumbled under the impact of your rage. “I used to wonder where these letters came from in my bag”, he gives a small laugh, as he painfully clutches his stomach and rises to his feet. “I think you need a doctor”, you say worriedly. “This is a daily fit for us, don’t worry about it Miss”, he gives a charming smile, and your heart wretches at his pain, looking at his paint-absorbed shirt, absorbing red blood as well. “I shall take my leave then”, you say, getting up to your feet too, and walking slowly to Ron. The horse recognizes your footsteps and rises to its four limbs, waiting for you to straddle his back. Instead, you let a tear slip for nobles aren’t allowed to cry over their sealed fates.
“Let’s go back”, you say as you jump over the saddle and rush through passageways to find an opening through the back gate and to the lonely stable. Hurdling over fences and walls, you finally find your way to the stable, your black dress pants now having splatters of mud while your gumboots were completely mudded. You took no notice of that anyhow.
So when you tie Ron up, him giving a shrill neigh, you smooch over his forehead one last time before running back into the fort. The guards were looking for you all over the place. Your family wasn’t as rich as the royal family, but quite close to it. Your brother had an affair with the Archduke’s sister, and although it rose some conflicts, in the end, the two families tied knots. That would explain, the increased number of armed men in your household since the last two years.
Catalina was sweet. She treated everyone equally and your brother was like the waves, spurts of energy were random.
One day he would be dragging you to practice sword fight and then the other day, he would sleep on your lap and ask you to read a book to him. You had drawn quite a few portraits of Catalina and your brother Dave already. While Catalina wanted you to excel in the field, your parents were a major stone in the path.
After finding out that you had been selling artworks and even had joined a Venetian atelier under a pseudonym, they forced you into your room, not allowing you outside anymore. Even Catalina was prohibited from meeting you.
Your classes were taken regularly, except for the art. Maybe, because you had known that once they find out your preference, they would snatch it away from you, you had never really let them known, but now everything was going down.
A week later, your engagement was fixed; with the nephew of the Viscount. Dave had never seen you sadder.
After seeing Dave, you had thought you’d have the right over your partner too but guess not. You met the nephew of the Viscount, and you had found out, he was a heavy drinker. If there was time left after drinking, he spent it playing with girls. To save the noble name of your parents and to get the nephew of Viscount a stable title, both parties were joined.
You couldn’t accept it.
So that night, you had decided to run off, no matter what.
But on your way, you saw Harry, sleeping peacefully under the creamy moonlight, a rag over himself to protect from the cold breeze. That was when you realized you were cold too.
You were just 20. You wanted to do a lot of things. You wanted to fall in love too.
But after all, your gender, your social status, and not your experience or talent, mattered.
You knew of your sealed fate, and yet, you couldn’t accept it.
But Harry, at that night, shivering but sleeping peacefully had stirred your heart. Getting your woolen shawl from your bag without thinking of outcomes, you pulled it over him. He wasn’t shivering anymore. It warmed your heart.
You had returned to your room. Maria, who had been searching for you sighed with relief. Maria had been the only constant in your life. Maria hadn’t run off to the guards or Catalina yet, so that was a good sign that night.
So today, when you returned, you hid in a bush, trying to catch the attention of Maria so she could divert the attention of others.
You took the engagement ring given by your tool of a fiance and reflected the light upon Maria. When she looked back at you, you grinned and she sighed in relief. She muttered something to the servant next to her and everyone ran towards the front gate.
After everything, she rushed towards you, “Where were you? The nephew of Viscount is coming to meet you in the next thirty minutes, and oh God! How have your clothes become so dirty?”, she asked all at once in a hushed tone.
You giggled at her worriedness. “I am worried here.”, she hushed again.
“Relax, we still have thirty minutes, yeah?”, you patted her back and walked through the hallways.
“What are you up to these days? I am so sick worried about you, you know? Catalina and Dave are one thing, but when it comes to My Lady and My Lord, things are different. You know they are so harsh”, she said with a sad face, looking down to the floor.
“When I was born in here, my fate was sealed. Either to live like death or to die. There is nothing we can do about it”, you sighed, with a smile, walking into the small bath area. As you twisted the buttons of your shirt, Maria stood behind you, her eyes scurrying over your features.
Feeling her eyes all over your body, you smirked at her. You turned towards her, looking at her confused state and then pinning her arms over her head, you looked her in the eye, “Is there anything you want, dear Maria”, her eyes bulged out as she gulped for air like a fish, pushing you off. “Get done with your games, Y/N. Carl has already slept with thirteen of your maids.”, she informed as you hummed, getting into the water. “Were you one of them, Maria?”, you asked, with a suggestive wiggle of brows. Her mouth fell agape again. “Be serious, y/n!”, she scolded you lightly, lifting her dress up to help you with bathing. “Would you sleep with him given a chance?”, you asked again. “Y/N!!”, she gave you a stern glare. You gave out a little giggle. “Was it consensual? The maids and Carl?”, you asked her. “From what I’ve heard, yes. The maids are talking way too much about it. I didn’t like it”, she said to shush you down. “Besides, I would prefer you over Carl”, she muttered low and you assumed she spoke her thoughts out and therefore you had no intention of bringing it up.
“Maria, do you like how your life is? The nobles stomp on you like dirt and yet, you have the freedom to go anywhere you want and marry whoever you like.”, you said, pursing your lips into a tight line. Maria’s hands graze over your back, the scars still fresh from a few days ago from Y/n’s father. “I just admire you, a lot. I know how life is not all about money, but when I look at you smile even after everything, I think you are stronger than your position.”, she said and you stopped playing with the water now. “Why don’t you just follow the rules to be safe? If My Lord and My Lady know that you had been missing, then things won’t end well”, she sighed rubbing over your scars again.
“Whatever happens, they won’t kill me. And until and unless I die, everything is fine”, you said, when there was a knock on the door. “Y/n? Are you back?”, a soft voice asked from the other side of the door. You recognize it immediately as Catalina.
“Yeah, I am back”, you say in a slight cheery tone. The door slides and Catalina appears. Maria stands up to bow to Catalina and leaves the place. You knew about the impending disappointing lecture to come. “Y/n? Where were you? I had been trying to find you for so long!”, she gushes, a disappointed frown on her face as you let the water slide down your body, the soap slowly washing off.
“Just to the library”, you say, hoping it would get her. “Y/n, I am not a fool. It’s been the sixth time in the span of two weeks. If you are seeing someone, you can say to me. I will try to convince mother. I am sure if Dave and I try to explain to her, she will get rid of Carl, and let you marry the person you are seeing”, there were hopes in her voice.
“So after all, you too want to break my engagement with Carl?”, you asked, no humor or muse in your voice. “I told you already, Catalina, my fate is sealed. Since I have longed for something forbidden, I must bear the results of it.”, you say, getting into the dress that Maria had got you because of Carl’s arrival. “He hasn’t deflowered you, has he?”, she asked, tremor in her voice. “Nor will I let him to.”, you reply.
You side the curtains and walk out to Catalina, with a soft smile. “Catalina, one day Y/n will die, but with that death, she will finally be living.”, if Catalina was as wise as the princess maybe she would have figured out what you meant.
You walk away from her to the garden where Carl seemed to be waiting for you.
It was just 6 days before your marriage. It would either end up in flames or in vain. You still had a smile.
“Y/n, long time no see. I have been waiting for you for the past 10 minutes”, he mutters in utter politeness for your brother Dave, who had been standing by to keep him company. “Aah, I apologize. I just had some affairs to run”, you smile gently at him. “Did you have affairs to run or had to run for an affair?”, he asked wiggling his brows. You could see Dave trying to keep his cool. Your smile didn’t falter. “You have got a nice sense of humor, considering that you won’t be getting your position of the next Viscount if you don’t marry me”, you reply back and watch Dave smirk as Carl’s words get stuck up in his throat. He clears it and offers you to sit.
“So, how has been your new painting of the church coming along?”, he asked, musing himself with a cup of tea. “More than anyone else, you should know that I have given up painting”, you reply as Dave stands up to leave, not being able to bear the moron.
“Can I ask you why did you have to come here, Carl?”, you asked him directly, getting yourself a cup of coffee.
“I just came to pay a visit to my dear fiance”, he humors you.
Or maybe to bed another one of the maids. You bite your tongue at that.
“You can do whatever you want, but please be sure to take permission.”, you said and got up to leave. “I have quite a few things to do before the marriage.”, you say finally.
You hadn’t really lied.
Your dance instructor, Miss Rose was probably biting her nails off because of how you couldn’t nail the dance step. Not that you would ever go to that part.
Even when you were with Carl, you pretended that you were with Harry.
Hath he a lover? Hath he a partner? Does his love shine bright for her? Does he promise to fly and burn like Icarus for her?
It would be sad if Harry had someone else to call home; what would be sadder is to be stuck somewhere you don’t belong in.
The ballroom is practically empty devoid of any being. You decide to wait for Miss Rose when the door slides back.
The instructor comes back to look you into the eyes along with someone on her tow. Your eyes bulge out to meet the same emerald eyes which when weighed down with the emeralds won’t even amount to it. His gaze intensifies on you, again. It hadn’t been more than an hour since you last saw him, but it sure felt like ages.
“He is the best artist Ethan could suggest. We want you to stand in your position so he can paint you because your father wants it as a part of the decor for the marriage”, Miss Rose explained in her gruff voice as her gray ballgown barely touched the ground, but Harry’s eyes fell directly to the ground. If in shame or disappointment, you were yet to find.
“Stand straighter!”, she growled, her thin smooth bamboo stick making contact with your feet as you were about to fall. “Make sure you don’t paint those blemishes and scars. They are disgusting and not noble-like”, she demanded of Harry to which he nodded.
So as you stood there, pained with pointed heels and layers of clothes, his eyes took you in to put it into his painting. He had internally sworn to make this the best portrait he ever painted. You had sworn to be the best model he had drawn in a while.
With every stroke of his brush and every flutter of your eyelids, time passed, him focusing on your perfection, you focusing on his eyes grazing over you.
So after an hour when his brush stopped stroking, Miss Rose stood by Harry and looked over his shoulder at the painting. It was half painted, the face details yet to be drawn. “I was wondering if she must be tired, having been stood there for so long”, he raised a brow at her while she snarled. “Alright, you can take a break. Miss Y/n, please go to the kitchen, some staffs need you there”, she strictly asked of you to which you knew better than to say no, so you bowed to her and went off. Your feet were killing you, your face distorted into pain as you took step after step. You saw Harry’s adam’s apple move as he watched you in pain.
Without your knowledge, he watched you intently walking to the kitchen till you were out of his sight. “Harry as a thank you for coming in here on such short notice, I want you to have lunch in the fort. You have been doing such a hard job. I will ask Maria to guide you”, Miss Rose mumbled to Harry and he was a little overwhelmed by all this. “T-Thank you, Miss Rose”, he muttered.
Maria entered the ballroom, expecting to see you modeling while the said painter painted you, but you were not there, instead there was a man, looking like he had fallen from the stars. His back sagged as he waited for someone to tell him to make the next move. “Excuse me, are you Harry?”, a voice asked him from behind. He turned around to see a girl in the same ivory black uniform as all other maids. “Y-Yeah, I am”, he stammered, not being able to find the perfect words.
“You may come this way. Miss Y/n will be waiting for you”, she bowed down in greeting before leading him the way. On his way, Harry took in every detail of the grandiose fort. It looked all so festive, but the ache in his heart couldn’t reside. He had waited far too long, to write back to you, but he hadn’t, because he had braced himself to kiss you under the stars one day; to take you to the lake under starlight; show you the trees in the forest that he carved your name. But probably, he was being played. He didn’t want to believe it. So he didn’t.
As he entered the grand kitchen with people standing to serve him, he felt out of place. He could hear a few of the maids gasp at his build and structure. He, however, felt uncomfortable. Noticing his dilemma you clapped your hands to let the people out of the kitchen.
“Welcome, Harry”, you smiled at him, while his eyes looked at any feature of your face but your smile.
“What’s going on? Weren’t you the one writing me letters?”, he asked, and your smile dropped down to a frown.
“Yeah, that’s me”, you admitted.
“And you are getting married to the nephew of Viscount, one who has never had a reputation in front of the whole nation? I am confused here.”, he asked, mirth lurking behind his words.
“Harry, I would like to assume, you and I stem from the very same roots, if there is going to be one difference it is that you are the wider broader, branch of the tree, strengthened through wind and storm, I am like the newest twig, a gentle tug and I will be off”, you smiled again, after all, it was your second nature, “that is why I have two questions from you, one, do you have a lover? And if the answer to it is no, I have another question, would you run away with me?”, you laid out your proposal, without thinking it through.
His mouth opened and closed, like a fish fresh out of water. “But, if we get caught, there will be high punishments on me, my lady”, he said, his voice low, gears running his head. You moved a step closer to him, taking his face in your hands for the first time, touching him, feeling him for the first time. “If y/n ceases to exist, then will you run away with me?”, you asked him. His arched brow, asking questions his lips couldn’t formulate. “I will write about it in the next letter”, you smiled at him.
_______________________
The painting was done. Another maid gushed out to gossip with Maria about how she thought Carl might marry her instead of the lady, because well, it is a revolutionary era, anything could happen. Miss Rose was still strict about your posture and diet, which always tends to leave you hungry until night.
All you awaited was daylight.
_________________________
Harry had tried to convince you on receiving the letter before 2 days of marriage that it wasn’t safe; that it could cost your life; but you had stayed adamant. He had sighed.
_________________________
The day of marriage came. You had been anything but excited. You had a jittery feeling in the pit of your stomach. You had thrown up three times while Miss Rose called the action un-lady-like. You felt a hand on your shoulder when you were locked in your room for the makeup people to make you beautiful and flawless as Miss Rose had said. You were ready to give a smile to whoever it was, it turned out to be Catalina.
“Hey Catalina, how can I help you?”, you asked her. “I need some time alone, please”, she asked and you dismissed the people out of the room. “What happened?”, you asked her, through hooded eyes. “I know about Harry. And I know about your plan through the letter you took for Harry”, she confessed. “Then why did you wait till today? If you wanted, you could have used the information ever since you got to know about it”, you asked, with an unwavering smile. “I have prepared Ron behind the fort, he will take you to wherever you want. It isn’t fair to leave him behind”, she said with a smile, and you could cry for it. You hugged her, flushing your head on her bosom, inhaling the sweet scent of hers, as if you would have just the memory of the scent for the rest of your life, and it wasn’t wrong either.
__________________________
The white veil was presented, the flower crown sitting atop it, securing it, the train of your dress long enough to wrap around your body twice, the coming disaster was going to ruin it all though. Holding your father’s arm in arm, walking down the aisle, you were sure, you wouldn’t let your first kiss to someone who wouldn’t consider you as a second choice.
Your father took a step back and the priest started reading the words from the Bible, trying to seal the bond, when one of the flower-train decorated over the pillars fell down, tossing over a long decorative container with fire, to the ground. It crawled rapidly through the curtains, sending the guests into a frenzy. Carl, the priest, and your father were first to run away from the place while you acted stuck. People would soon be here to rescue you but the arson had intensified. The train and dress sure caught fire. You looked up at Maria who was watching you from the floor above where the fire hadn’t reached yet and for safety, a rope hung down to the backyard from the window. When she nodded, you got off the clothes. You ran to one of the windows, behind which Catalina was waiting with another pair of clothes. Putting on the rags, kissing her tears, and replacing the smoke in your lungs with her scent for a while, you got ready to run away. “Here, take this. It’s not much, but it will be foolish to not have anything”, she smiled again at you. That was the first time ever since that you cried. She held you close to her chest. “Y/n, be good. I love you. Don’t cause trouble to Harry, okay? I will always be here”, she said, running her thumb over your tears. You nodded, unable to formulate any words. You kissed her cheek and then, hugged her. Next thing, you were sprinting off to the back gate.
You would forever be grateful to Maria, who you knew was in love with you. Pretending to never know was much easier to stay with her than to have run off. You wouldn’t be seeing her now though. Harry waited with menacing Ron, with a smile.
“Let’s go”, you smiled at him, holding his hand to get on Ron.
“Now that we are leaving the place, do you have something to say?”, he asked, pressing a soft kiss behind your ear as he drove Ron through the forest.
“If a cage was enough to bind an eagle, it wouldn’t break all of them for the sake of someone, someone her own kind”, you could feel his smile through another kiss to your earlobe.
“I had always waited for you. I won’t be able to give you the best bedding to sleep in, the best food to eat, or the best of luxuries, but, I will help you get into the atelier of McCarthy, he is very inclusive and caring. Ethan suggested me to him, so he is already waiting for me in Ripon.”, his words brought tears to your eyes, and you couldn’t help but think of how this man you had never met in your entire life was willing to put in more effort than anyone ever had.
“The world will forget Y/n, now that she’s dead”, you mumbled softly.
“I will remember Y/n, who wrote letters and came to leave by my bag every time even if she got punished for setting foot out of the fort. I will remember y/n, who went through every pain with nothing but a smile. I will remember Y/n, who I painted and I will remember Y/n, who set an arson to her own marriage, risking everyone’s life only to be free.”, he muttered.
“I can’t wait to live this life”, you said again, the grin on your face everlasting.
“Welcome to this life Y/n or maybe I should call you Mrs. Styles now; Welcome to the life of unguaranteed pay, or food for the day; the life of being kicked and picked at; the life with the biggest pothole, insufficiency; the life where you won’t paint to compete but to survive, and in short, painting becomes your life”, he muttered with a soft smile.
“In the end, we will survive Harry; You and I. We will survive. It’ll all come around. On cold nights, we will be each other’s warm blankets; on days we are lost, we will be each other’s pole star; we will find a way around to be back to each other, Harry”, you muttered, lifting your head up to meet his expensive-than-emerald eyes.
“It won’t be easy; but even if it’s difficult, I will make sure I comfort you through it”, he muttered, kissing the top of your head.
And you knew, even if you ended up sleeping under the stars, along with the snakes, you would survive it all because you would have him.
_______
I know this sucks, lmao! I sat to write it for like 5 days and now i hate it in 5 minutes.
Asks and requests are open
I'm dumb
Warning : bullying, self harm, degrading thoughts, smoking.
Word count : 2504
Synopsis : Harry is dating Y/N's best friend, but then when Gemma and Anne leave Harry, his girlfriend, and Y/N, things go down spiral. Harry is left to rethink himself and then he finds something disturbing.
________
Harry’s history with girls had been a history of infamous breakups and rumors, but he had you through it all. You, as his little sister made him smile more than any other girl would, or so he claimed.
But, ever since Riley, everything seemed to turn upside down. Riley disliked you, as a bare minimum. The truth was she hated you through her guts and you could feel it regardless of the smiles that she gave you in front of her boyfriend.
She hadn’t stepped away from whispering mean comments when her boyfriend wasn’t around. And what made it worse was Riley was your best friend once, or probably your only friend. Ever since Harry, you had been a little immature and hated Harry for stealing away the only good thing in your life. After all, he had friend groups larger than your imagination and was perfect in every aspect. Even your mom, Anne could admit that Harry deserved all of her love. She could. She didn’t.
Gemma was a hardworking lady, planning everything beforehand and following through. Harry, well, he was Harry, charming, hardworking, famous, everything you could only dream of. And you, well you were just a troublemaker, as your mother would claim at times. Riley got to meet Harry’s friends; a popular group of friends, to be honest; ones you never met because you were afraid you would just embarrass yourself and get him mad.
It was Friday, your mother exclaimed that she had to be somewhere for the weekend and Gemma had sleepover plans with her friends. All that was left were Harry and you.
“Well”, he cleared his throat to grab your attention in the empty house. “You can have the house to yourself, I will just leave”, you said even before he got to say anything.
“Where are you going?”, he asked out of concern, knowing very well that there weren’t many people you knew that would be enthusiastic to let in a teenager, this late at night.
But yet, you sensed or rather believed to have sensed mockery in his voice. So, you shrugged your shoulders. A second later, you could feel his rings dig deep into your skin and you let out a hiss, glaring at his eyes while trying to shrug it off.
“Well, stop being a kid, will you?”, he snarled, and the pressure he applied to your arms, made tears burn your eyes. Thank heavens for your glasses, he wouldn’t be able to notice it though. It would be embarrassing.
“Let me go”, you whine, struggling to free yourself.
“On one condition, I will call Riley, and you stay in the house”, he asked of you again. He had tried desperately to mend the friendship between you and Riley, feeling guilty to be the reason why it broke in the first place. But, what he failed to understand was that neither of you wanted it back. Riley had been trying to get closer to Harry, discarding you at times, and it wasn’t like you didn’t catch it, you just hoped she stayed. But now that she has changed, it makes you feel small.
You let out a frustrated groan, as he smiled and called Riley.
As he ended the call, he smiled at you and gushed you into an embrace; one you had forgotten since Riley dated Harry.
“You don’t know how happy I am!”, he said with a big smile on his face, as he tried to smear your cheek in kisses as you tried to push him away.
As the doorbell rings, your heart is hammering against your ribs and you feel your palms get sweaty.
You hear both of them greeting each other as you sit on the sofa, having no way out.
“He...llo”, she greets noticing you, in a tone, you recognize as disregard, one that you were too familiar with
“Babe, you never said, she was going to be here”, she turns around to Harry, ignoring your presence.
“Oh cut it off you both! You guys were such great friends earlier, us dating doesn’t change anything and I want both of you to be good friends”, he says, rolling his eyes, but you see the disgust in her eyes.
“Oh Harry, I would but she doesn’t even like it when I want to talk to her”, she says in a honey-sweet voice, which makes you sick and boils your blood. It isn’t like she doesn’t know what she did wrong.
“If you would talk anything other than how disgusting and dry my wardrobe is even if my brother is rich or how me being virgin plays an important role in having friends that I don’t have, maybe, I would like it”, you say rolling your eyes and remembering those words, tears pricking at your waterline. She gasped at your words, trying to act hurt.
“What are you saying? I have never spoken those words”, she fake cries in front of her boyfriend, only if she knew you were trying to hide real tears. “Y/n, stop being a bitch and stop spouting lies”, Harry’s stern voice edges you towards a breakdown even more. “She even tried to bake you cookies”, he tried to help in a little. She did bake you cookies, but even after she knew that you were allergic to almonds and cashews, she used them. “Yeah, one where I could have died”, you rolled your eyes. “That was a mistake!”, he relentlessly tried to defend his girlfriend, “And you wouldn’t have really died, you are just assigned to annoy me and everyone around here with your face. I wish you were dead too”, he had tried to joke, but it ended up wounding you even more.
Bile rose to your throat and you had had enough.
“I wish you ever saw how much of a bitch she is being, she is just using you for money and fame and the day you lose it all, she is going to pack her bags and leave”, a loud sound could be heard throughout the house. The sound was of a slap across your cheek. You knew you could even feel the imprints of the rings of your brother. You didn’t bother to hear him out or look at him through your tears, so you just ran up the stairs to your room. Locking it from inside, you fell onto your bed.
Insecurity had grown its roots in your heart and you never felt okay. Your wardrobe was filled with your oversized clothes because you had grown to dislike the sight of your own skin. At first, it was full of Harry’s T-shirts and sweatshirts, but once Riley barged in to select and sort Harry’s clothes from your wardrobe to her own, those were filled with your hoodies. You felt your breath caught in your chest as you coughed out a little.
It had been so long since you last cried so hard; since you last had been so vulnerable.
You had initially heard Harry bang at your door a few seconds ago and now there is no noise.
Dark thoughts slid into your mind.
If Harry said that he was tired of tolerating you, why did he bother taking care of you? He could have let you wander around on the streets. Maybe mom and Gemma were tired of you as well. Maybe that was why they left you to Harry even if they knew about your issue with him. Maybe you were being immature and childish. Maybe you were better off gone. There would be none to grieve for you. Maybe they would laugh even, be happy that you were gone. The kids in school always called you out on your looks, about your thick glass frames and choice of clothes. The guys had been more specific, going out of their way to throw waste papers at you or lock you in the bathroom sometimes.
No one knew of it. Not Gemma. Not Anne. Not Harry.
Harry had been happier when he saw the ‘revealing’ clothes missing, not using his brain for a while as to why it must have happened.
The way Gemma ignored you this morning because she was packing for her sleepover, acted as a pillar to your thoughts.
Maybe, everyone would be happy without you.
You had stopped crying now. Your heart felt heavy like a stone. You could hear the moans and groans from the next room, feeling so easily replaced by something like sex.
You reached to your drawer, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up. The smoke burning your lungs as it hadn’t been long since you started smoking. You reach a little further to get ahold of small stainless steel with sharp edges. You peel it off from the side of the drawer and look at it intently. Maybe you would stop after just a small scratch.
The smoke; the blood.
You never felt satisfied with the cuts, to say the least. It didn’t hurt after all. And they didn’t look they went deep enough, even if the blood was practically dripping off your arms.
Although the cuts were far away from the wrists so that no one would notice, she had an itch to do it there, knowing very well, her brother would be traumatized to find her pathetically dead on the floor.
There were no tears now.
Suddenly, there were rushed knocks on your door which startled you. Remembering it could be Harry, you frantically stood to your toes even if you didn’t really have the energy to and threw the smoke out of the window and tossed the razor into your drawer. You heard something enter the lock as it clicked, maybe Harry was trying to pick the lock. At the last one second you had, you jumped on your bed, making it look like you had been there for hours.
“Y/n”, he barely gasped, and you looked up at him, pretending to be half-asleep.
“What do you need?”, you groaned, falling onto your pillow.
“I am sorry”, he apologized, his eyes glued to his feet.
“If you are worried I will tell mom, don’t worry, I won’t. It’s not like she would believe me anyways”, you said muffling your voice into your pillow.
You heard shifting around in the room and suddenly, the coldness of his rings seethed through your sweater and you look up to see him, a phone in his hands.
“It’s Riley’s”, he said, in a soft voice and it’s hard not to bulge your eyes like saucers.
“She has a group called trashqueen and Riley sent a video of me slapping you in that group. I scrolled a little further up to see what it was about and there were all humiliating videos of you ”, he confessed and you suddenly felt small and weak.
“I should have guessed”, you mutter, tracing your cuts through your sweater.
“How long has this been going on?”, he asks again, lifting his head up to meet your eyes.
“As long as I can remember”, you mutter.
“Why didn’t you come to me, Gemma, or even mom?”, he asked, his voice reaching a new height, trying to keep his tears at bay.
“Didn’t want to bother anyone anymore”, you say trying to gulp down the lump forming in your throat. It isn’t like he would understand anyways.
“You could never be a bother”, his voice cracks as his eyes fall to the worrying patch of blood on your sleeves that you had been trying to cover away from him, and it is then that he smells the tobacco in the air.
“Y/N”, he called out your name again before stretching your arms out and when you realize what’s happening, you try to tug your arm away, he just glares at you with teary eyes.
His hands trace the wet, red of the injury and you try to formulate an excuse. Maybe tell him you hit your arm against the table or something.
“How long have you been suffering in silence? I am sorry. I am sorry for being such a lame excuse of a brother. But, why didn’t you come to me?”, he asked breaking down, his tears streaming down to meet the red blood oozing from your cuts.
Your heart writhes in pain.
“You never asked about it”, you say, your voice growing hoarse with every word.
“Y/n, I am dumb. You need to say what you need or I won’t know”, he says again.
“You aren’t dumb. You notice what Riley, Gemma, or even mom needs every time you are with them. Maybe it’s just me who’s the problem. Everyone goes through this part of life and maybe I am just overreacting or taking things to heart”, you say, trying not to cry any more than you already have.
He instantly shakes his head.
“No, you aren’t overreacting. Whatever it is that you are feeling is valid.”, he says, falling short of words. “Maybe, there’s something wrong with me that people see in me”, as you say, he shakes his head. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You are my little sister”, he says again, falling into a fit of tears again.
“Fuck, how do you console me in these times?”, he says with a shaky laugh.
You smile at him and reply, “Just speak what I’d like to hear”
He gives you a small smile as he rises up to his feet.
“Where are they? The cigars and the razors?”, he asked, looking at you in concern.
The cigars weren’t a big deal, but the razor put you into a frantic state of mind. “Harry, you don’t need to do that. I won’t die, I promise”, you beg him, although it was pathetic in your head and his heart squeezes so tight, that he feels like he would burst out bleeding anytime soon.
“Princess, it’s not about you killing yourself that I’m worried about, I just don’t want you to feel the pain either”, he says patting your hair lovingly as he searches around in the room. Your heart racing and lurching, trying to find alternatives. He finally reaches to your drawer and gives you a look for a moment, before looking at the cigarette packet and bloody razor. He takes them to his custody and hesitantly leaves your room.
Quicker than a second, he is back in your room, cradling you into his embrace as he plays with your hair. After a long time, you had your brother with you and it felt safe.
“I am dumping Riley. And we will have a talk about it with Gemma and mom on Monday”, he sighs, tightening his embrace a little more.
You sigh out too.
Maybe, Monday is going to be rougher than usual. But for now, you had your brother with you. You wouldn’t be surprised if you woke up to find it was a dream, but for now, you wanted to bask in this feeling.
________
Should I do a part 2 of this? One where Anne and Gem come to know about it? This is my first fanfiction on tumblr. Asks and Requests are open.
i NEED to sit in chairs with armrests but not for my arms only so that i can then sling my leg over them in a debonaire and extremely comfortable style
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*please like and reblog if u save*
flower’s
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Do not post as your own. I just own the poetry and not the pictures.
Please like or reblog if you save.
Timeline
“My kid self was reading a fairytale,
Yeah, it started with 'a long time ago',
So she asked her mom,
'Why do we want to live in peace?',
She asked her dad,
'Why isn't violence the answer?',
Her mom thought she was getting psychotic,
Her dad thought that she saw an angsty movie,
So, before sleeping, she came to me,
Asked me, 'Why is peace the only option?',
And I said, 'Because honey, horror is a dangerous emotion,
It leaves brutal scars and damned faiths,
It leaves you vulnerable and assaults your daydream'
She looked at me with her chestnut eyes,
And asked again,'Where do we get peace?',
I looked into her eyes,
Young but went through enough,
Vulnerable but knew just enough,
I said, 'We hide in the darkness,
Because if you are in the light,
Dark shadows follow you,
No one will disturb you in the dark,
Fireflies from between the grass blades,
Stars from behind the sky's veils,
We light ourselves up,
The world knows us by what we do,
And not by what we are called',
She looked at me again,
I knew she had questions prepared,
'Does the world not deserve me?', she asked,
Her voice thick with something only I know,
'No hun, the world deserves you, just not what you give', is what I said her,
I don't know what she understood,
But she went under her bed,
Got a treasure chest out,
And handed over to me,
'Open it when you reach that dark world of yours', she instructed,
I smiled and took it,
Starting to sneak out of her bedroom,
Into the dark night,
And I opened it with all curiosity,
She had given me her chest of memories,
The neon glowing celestials on her ceiling,
Barbie dolls and stuffed toys lined on her shelf,
Certain paintings and celebrated birthdays,
Rhythm that made her dance and set her free,
I smiled to myself,
It was so thoughtful of her,
I wished I had wished her good luck,
Because the world is not easy,
I felt my shadow start walking behind me,
Reminding me I had to walk to the dark world,
I had questions now,
The journey left me in confusions,
And I saw an older girl sitting by the footpath,
I walked to her,
'Long time no see',
Was what she said to me.”
Forty-six bullets
“Do you know it was worth fighting for,
When you don't die for it,
When you throw up your arms into the sky,
When you let your guard down,
And let the light write what you are thinking of,
Your faith is walking over broken glass,
You are in ruins,
Your eyes are raining,
The gun you are holding,
Is out of bullets,
You fall onto your knees,
You can see the clouds of glory,
Hanging low over your head,
Covering the mighty Sun,
The Universe is asking you,
Was it worth it?
Walking ahead of time,
Bearing the forty-six bullets,
Wreck holes in your body,
You don't know what it was,
Aren't you standing in the river of teardrops?
Aren't you seeing only red,
Flowing around you?
You are in ruins,
Nothing has a price list anymore,
Yeah, you did it,
Was it worth it?
Was it worth the trial?
Was it worth what you sacrificed?
Are you happy?
Do you feel anything now?
What do you feel now?”
Reblog if you're an only child
So we can all sit in a corner and cry together out of loneliness..
Or am I the only one who gets super lonely?
Yea.. I’m probably the only one..