Clarice Lispector, excerpt from “The Discovery of the World” (July 6, 1968), Too Much of Life: The Complete Crônicas (trans. Margaret Jull costa & Robert Patterson) [transcript in ALT]
Summary: After preparing for the arrival of her new housemates, the last thing Rose expected was for one of them to be the man whose flat she had snuck out of the night before.
Shoutout to @demdifferentstories-29 for being feral with me last night as we fucked around with this chapter a ton. This one was a lot of fun to write and just add little tidbits into.
Read here on AO3
The days went on and their friendship blossomed further. Hand holding became automatic, especially when sitting together on the couch. They were very tactile, with Rose pushing on his chest whenever he made a particularly bad joke or James wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to him while they strolled around town as she showed him around.
Movie nights would lead to them being so close that Rose could feel James’ heartbeat — usually as they laid on the sofa lengthwise so they could see the television better, her back against his chest while she was situated between his legs. His arms were usually enveloped around her and his head rested on her shoulder.
Jack and Donna had definitely begun to take notice. Jack had started to tease him regarding his lingering gaze whenever Rose walked into the room. Banter from Donna usually included remarks of, ‘Head up in the clouds, Spaceman?’ and, ‘Bloody hell, just ask her out already!’ followed by a smack on the shoulder.
A routine had also begun to form — Rose would find James in the library and would join him on the couch. Sometimes they would read separate books, but he had recently offered to read to her. Rose knew she would be an idiot to turn down that chance with him. So here they were in the library, cuddling next to each other with her head against his shoulder as James read aloud And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie.
“Agatha Christie! I love her stuff! What a mind,” he had declared as he pulled the classic book from the shelf. “She fools me every time. Well, almost every time. Well, once or twice. Well, once. But it was a good once.”
His ramblings were endearing to her. She adored the spark in his eyes that he got when he talked about something he was passionate about. The smile on his face when she listened, asking questions and allowing him to elaborate more on the subject. There was no lack of topics, either — he always had something he could share with and teach her about. Even if she didn’t fully understand, she loved to hear his voice.
She loved him.
She had never felt this way with Jimmy. She had started dating him when she was sixteen and regretted it every second after they had broken up. He hadn’t been a romantic, never even taking Rose on a date once in the two years they dated.
“‘... Vera had followed Mrs. Rogers upstairs. The woman had thrown open a door at the end of a passage and Vera had walked into a delightful bedroom with a big window that opened wide upon the sea and another looking east. She—’ Rose, are you alright?” His question pulled her from her thoughts.
“Me? Yeah, I’m alright. Just thinking,” she said softly. Rose moved her head off his shoulder, offering him a small smile. He could see through her facade and raised his eyebrow. “Okay, fine. ‘M just remembering my last relationship and how awful he was to me. We never did anything like this,” she murmured, gesturing to the intimate position they found themselves in.
James’ head cocked, brow now furrowing. “What happened, if I may ask?” He set the bookmark in the book, shutting and setting it on the coffee table. His hand went to hold hers and she couldn’t help but open up to him.
“His name was Jimmy,” she started. “He was twenty, I was sixteen. He was a self-proclaimed musician with a guitar who travelled around London busking on the street.” Rose rolled her eyes as she remembered how much of an idiot he was. “He seemed so charming, but his personality changed after I’d run away from home and moved in with him. He kept me from my friends and family, trying to convince me that my mum was the bad guy after she had called and begged for me to come home.”
“Oh, Rose,” James sighed, squeezing her hand. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s in the past. He just…” Rose trailed off, trying to find the best way of explaining her thoughts without revealing her true feelings for him. “He never did anything nice like this. Never really cuddled with me or spent actual time with me. I never—” She cut herself off, staring into his eyes and glancing down at his lips. His face was so close to hers now and he was right there with her, looking at her like she meant everything.
“You never what?” James questioned, his breath light against her lips. Her own breath hitched as she watched his tongue come out to wet his lips, his chocolate eyes impossibly dark.
“Just…” She couldn’t even come up with an answer. He was right there and looked so kissable. He began to lean in as his eyes fluttered closed.
‘He’s finally going to kiss me properly,’ Rose thought excitedly. Their noses brushed against each other as heat pooled in their stomachs.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
They jumped apart, and Rose mentally cursed whoever was on the other side of the door.
“Rosie, you in there?” Jack called out. “I need your help with grocery shopping. The list is long and I refuse to do this by myself.”
Rose sighed and straightened herself, standing up and walking over to the entryway.
“Coming!” she growled, trying to keep her cool while mouthing ‘sorry’ to James, whom she had left sitting on the couch. As the door closed behind her, he groaned, rubbing his hands over his face.
“Fuck,” he muttered. He was so close to feeling her lips on his.
The tension building between them was becoming unbearable for James. He found himself regularly taking cold showers and tinkering on his projects to distract himself from the burning ache that regularly appeared after interactions with Rose.
This time was different, though.
He knew he was alone, with Donna at work and Jack and Rose at the store. He quickly ran up the staircase to his bedroom and slammed the door closed. The door was locked, just as a precaution, and he quickly pulled his shirt off and his trousers down his legs.
“God, Rose,” he moaned, easing the waistband of his pants down to expose his hard length.
He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the night they met. How he drunkenly took her back to his flat. Seeing her naked for the first — and so far only — time on his bed. Well, not really his bed but it didn’t matter.
Sitting at the bar, James shot back another round of whiskey as the low bass of the music emanated from the speakers around him. The pub was dark aside from several small strobe lights illuminating the open area where people were dancing. He could barely hear himself think with all the noise.
Drinking at bars wasn’t necessarily something he took up often, but it was one of those nights. The thoughts of war swirling through his head recently had him walking on eggshells since he got home.
He was here to have fun, which he had to remind himself multiple times throughout the night. Even if that meant having multiple shots and getting a bit plastered. Tapping his glass on the surface, he got the attention of the woman behind the bar and she made her way over to pour him another shot.
A blonde woman called the bartender over, requesting another drink. Even in the low light, James could tell that her smile lit up rooms. Her top showed off plenty of skin and the tight jeans accentuated her nice arse.
Blimey, she was gorgeous.
And he wanted her.
She met his hungry gaze with a tongue-in-teeth smile before turning and disappearing into the crowd of clubbers. Not wasting another second wallowing in his head, James swallowed his fourth and final shot and made his way out onto the dance floor. His eyes darted around the bodies, looking for the mystery woman who now had all of his attention.
After bumping into multiple people, he finally found her. Her eyes were dark, full of passion and arousal and need. He needed to forget his past and somehow this brilliant woman wiped all thoughts except the ones of her. His feet moved to her before he even realised.
“Care to dance?” he asked with a smirk, holding out his hand. The woman’s eyes twinkled as she grinned. Taking his hand, she pulled him impossibly close, moulding her body to his.
“I’d love to.”
The music wasn’t traditional dancing music, but rather booming noise that had just enough rhythm to move your body to. The golden-haired goddess turned around and ground against him, her back to his chest. James moved his hands down to her hips, gripping tightly and keeping her against him. The growing tension between them was evident, hanging like thick smoke in the air.
As they danced, he pulled her against him as his hands wandered around her waist, down to the arse he had been admiring, and skirting just under her breasts. He grinned against her neck as she moaned, feeling it reverberate through his chest. His hips rutted against her, letting her feel the growing arousal in his trousers.
Reluctantly, she pulled herself from his grasp. She must have seen the panic in his eyes because she grabbed his hand with a mischievous look, leading him off the dance floor and towards the dark corner leading to the bathrooms. As soon as they were tucked away, she pushed James against the wall and snogged him, her hands threading themselves through his hair.
He kissed back enthusiastically, pulling her back to him — needing to feel someone close to him tonight. Their sloppy, drunken kisses continued for a few more minutes before James pulled away.
“Would you want to take this back to my place?” he panted harshly, begging the universe for the answer he wanted.
“God, yes. Please?”
The cab ride back to his flat wasn’t long, but it felt like ages as they struggled to keep their hands off of each other. However, he didn’t plan on shagging her in the backseat of this stranger’s car. Thankfully, they pulled up to his flat and James handed the cabbie two twenty pound notes and murmured to keep the change, too focused on the woman in front of him who wanted nothing more than to get naked with him.
Fumbling with his keys, they finally made it into the flat. He slammed the door behind them, thankful that Donna was out on girl’s night and would definitely be staying at her friend’s flat until the morning.
“Let’s go to the bedroom,” he growled, pulling her along with him. Cardboard boxes turned the flat into a maze, making it difficult to tell which room was which, especially in the dark.
This was his last night in this flat — he intended to make it go out with a bang.
As soon as they made it into his room, they began divesting themselves of their clothes. James pulled his t-shirt off, revealing his bare chest. The woman in front of him, now wearing just a bra, walked up to him and ran her nails through his chest hair. He smiled, leaning down into another searing kiss. Her deft fingers went to work on his belt, undoing it and the button on his trousers before dipping her hand under the waistband and teasing him through his pants, eliciting a low groan from him.
He didn’t have any furniture aside from the mattress on the floor, everything having been moved out into the living room to make it easier for the movers to get out to the truck. He did, however, have sheets on the mattress — he wasn’t an animal. The room simply had moving boxes all over and the blinds were covering his window.
“These need to come off,” he whispered into her mouth, hands moving to tug at her jeans. While she stepped back and finished undressing, James worked on getting his trainers and trousers off. He was pleased to look up and see that she was naked, save for her knickers. Shit, she was beautiful.
Sauntering up to him, the blonde bit her lip as he removed the final piece of clothing, revealing his cock, hard and leaking with precome as he stared at the gorgeous before him.
“Looks like someone’s ready,” she laughed, pushing him lightly towards the mattress and gesturing for him to lay down. As he did so, he grabbed her hand, pulling her down with him.
“Lay on your back,” he demanded. He watched her thighs clench, the boldness she had fading away as she did what she was told. The dirty smile on her face as James crawled over her drove him wild. Pulling her knickers off her legs, he tossed them away. One of his hands trailed up her thigh as he urged her to open her legs for him to settle between. “God, I need you.”
She froze for a second, sitting up. “Wait, are you clean? Because I don’t have any condoms. ‘M on the pill but I—”
He immediately stopped, sitting up and gently looking her over. “I’m clean,” he reassured her, offering a small smile. “I don’t have any condoms, so if you’re not comfortable with this, we can stop. I can call you a cab and—” She shut him up with a kiss, leaning back and opening her legs so he could continue. A quiet growl rumbled through his chest as he slotted himself between her thighs.
“I want this. I want you. Please, just fuck me.” Her hand reached between them, grabbing his cock and running it through her wetness. They both groaned at the contact, James’ hips stuttered, causing him to slide between her lips. “Fuck, do that again,” she gasped, arms wrapping around his back as he repeated the movement.
He couldn’t wait any longer. “Ready?” he asked lowly, positioning himself at her entrance. She nodded, hands moving across his back and into his hair. James hissed at the contact, pushing in and feeling how tight she was. “Shit.” His head spun, reminding him that he was still a bit inebriated. He paused after sheathing himself in her, forehead dropping down to her shoulder as he gave her the moment to adjust and used the time to regain his bearings.
After a moment, he felt her relax and felt like he wouldn’t fall over. He tentatively pulled out, thrusting in with a little more speed. Her nails dug into his back as he repeated the movement. The only emotion he could see on her face was pleasure, allowing himself to give into his primal urges.
“What do you want, huh?” His words were low as he thrust into her again, lascivious grin on his face as he felt her lift her hips to meet his.
“I want you to fuck me. Hard, fast, rough, just— Oh—” She choked out a moan as James wrapped his arms around her torso and set a pounding rhythm, cock hitting that perfect spot inside her that made her see stars. “Oh, fuck! Yes, like that!” Satisfaction filled him as he kept up the brutal pace, feeling the heat in his belly begin to coil.
“Shit, ‘m close,” he grunted into her neck. All he had to do was hold out until she came. Then he felt her walls flutter around him as all he could think of was filling her.
“Me too, please. Just a little more,” she moaned. “Please, please, please.” Her words were like a prayer and he was her god. Who was he to deny this woman the one thing he wanted as well?
As he continued to fuck her, so dirty and rough, her thighs tighted around his as her back arched. James felt her tighten around his cock as she let out a scream of immense pleasure, coming hard. He couldn’t hold back, hammering himself into her as he let out a shout, crashing over the edge with her and filling her with his come.
“God, Rose,” he gasped as his hand wrapped around his cock, tugging furiously as he chased his release. He thought about how she felt around him, hearing her moans as she begged him to fuck her. It didn’t take long before his breathing began to labour as he got close. “Shit, I’m gonna—-”
With a long moan, he came all over his bare stomach. His vision whited out, his all-consuming thoughts of Rose leaving him floating. It was a couple of minutes before he could compose himself to clean up the mess he made and toss some clothes back on. After wiping his stomach with some tissues and putting a clean pair of pants back on, he figured he would just lay down for a bit.
‘Only fifteen minutes,’ he told himself.
James was startled awake by the sound of the front door opening. The clock ticking away above his door showed that he had been in his room for nearly an hour. Right as he found himself to be presentable, he heard Jack cursing as he dropped a bag of groceries. Then his favourite sound followed — Rose laughing. He quickly rushed down the stairs, careful not to slip, to help Rose bring the groceries in.
“Hey! Glad to see that the troops have been rallied,” Rose chuckled as he entered the main room. James couldn’t help but grin at her joke as he reached out to take the bags from her.
“Here,” he offered, “let me help you with those.” Handing him the bags, she squeezed his bicep in thanks, letting her hand trail down his arm as she turned to grab more bags from the car. He turned bright red, swallowing hard and moving to set the groceries down in the kitchen. Jack noticed immediately, looking between the man in front of him and Rose, who had just made it out the door.
“Oh, man,” he laughed, following James and setting his own bags down on the dinner table. “You’re really down bad, aren’t you? Well, good, because Rose is a catch.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he denied, giving a small sniff and refusing to meet Jack’s eyes.
“I think you know exactly,” the American enunciated with a poke to James’ chest, “what I’m talking about. You like her.” Jack took a step back, crossing his arms and looking James up and down. “And you’re exactly her type, too.”
“I am?” he asked hopefully before cursing, realising his cover had been blown.
“I knew it!” Jack exclaimed, grinning wildly. James rushed to shush him.
“Be quiet!” He frantically looked over his friend’s shoulder, making sure Rose was still occupied outside. “Okay, maybe I do like her. But I don’t have a chance, Jack.”
Jack smacked him on the back, rolling his eyes. “I’m sure you do, especially after Rosie and I had a little chat in the car about you. Just shoot your shot, James. You’re a good guy.” And with that, Jack walked out to grab the last of the groceries, leaving a slack-jawed James in the kitchen.
Maybe I do like her. That was all he said to Jack, trying his best to keep his feelings under wraps. There was no denying his feelings, but the real question was did Rose like him back?
‘I don’t like her,’ he thought. ‘I bloody love her.’
i swear it is physically impossible for me to read a mary oliver quote without immediately having to hold back tears. "you do not have to be good" and "someone i loved once gave me a box of darkness. it took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift" and "i don't want to end up having simply visited this world" and "to love what is mortal against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go" and "it is a serious thing / just to be alive / on this fresh morning / in this broken world" and oh fuck it's happening again
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