When I told him I wanted to go to Montreal, his reaction was swift and decisive.
Everyone there is a supermodel. Someone with my looks won’t fit in.
He pointed out the lines on my neck and the baby fat around my cheeks and chin
that remained despite years of adulthood.
I was never skinny enough, even when, as a teen I would ride my
bicycle in the evening while carloads of boys sped by and yelled
“Fat bitch” at me. And now, here I was, faced with a man whose
imperfections rivaled my own,
which he never hesitated to point out.
“People who look like us have a hard time finding jobs,”
he said after being laid off from yet again after six months.
“Talk to your therapist about your hair,”
he said, after I bragged that I had never been to a salon.
Twenty years later, I still haven’t been to a salon or Montreal,
though I almost made it to the latter before a pandemic
forced me to cancel my flight. Not my weight or my hair or
my job or my therapist or a person I allowed dominion over
my worth, my life, and my travel plans.