Heartbreak confessions
Hi, my dear followers! Long time no read. I am glad to be back and hopefully, this time for good. I am not sure how many of you actually know my story so far; about the struggles I have faced, the obstacles I have overcome. I have shared my journey about a battle with eating disorders, anxiety about my work life and other struggles. When I think back about this time now, I actually have to admit that it wasn’t that bad. Well, it was, but by the time I felt comfortable enough to start sharing my journey, I had already managed to fix my life in one aspect that helped me to handle everything else: that is, love, of course. I had found a person who made me believe that nothing is impossible. I had somewhat lost faith in love. But he was the first person to whom I honestly admitted that I have issues. That I need help. That I am a mess. I did it quite early in our relationship; about 6 months after we had met. None of my ex-partners knew about my ED, I never told it to anyone. He was the first person I actually trusted. He was amazing. He helped me to get through it, he stood by me and every downfall actually made us stronger. We struggled both with our careers, our families.... and we kept our backs together, we pushed each other through the massive shitstorm and we managed to achieve a point in life where we were both managing our own work, our own time, our own decisions. Few months ago I realized, that I am finally cured, my ED is in my past and I am ready to move on, stronger than ever. With him. I have had several relationships, but what me and him had, it was out of this world. I was happy. I think that I have never been as happy as I was with him.
That was until a month ago, when my whole world collapsed. “I don’t have feelings for you anymore.” I still hear that sentence, clearly, like someone is still citing to me every single second of every single day.
It has been now 35 days and I am alone. The month has slowly flown away. It is the most beautiful season of the year in Estonia. It’s warm, nature is blooming, the air is full of amazing scents, it’s romantic, it’s the main time of the year to drive around, seek adventures... live, love, laugh. And I am alone. Even though I have not lost hope that this might actually have a turnaround, he will come back, I am slowly starting to open up to the possibility that, well... nothing is impossible, and that anything can happen, whether in my favour or not.
The past 35 days, I have walked 10 km every single day. This is the time that I allow myself to literally walk away from everything. To let myself cry, shout, scream. The hurt I feel is unimaginable. But the walks have become some sort of a get-away for me. I look forward to these walks every morning. And boy, let me tell you: they say that the nights are the worst? No. Mornings are. You spend the entire night dreaming about the love of your life, and when that alarm goes off, and you open your eyes, and you realize that you are not cuddling him, but your extra pillow.... THAT’S the worst.
They say that time is the best medicine, but for me, as the days go by, the harder it gets.
Since this topic is extremely triggering to a lot of people, I wanted to post this and see the reactions. I have learned a lot during my first month of break up and how to keep going.
I am willing to share my story of an extremely hard break up, how to cope, what to do, share the most honest feelings, quotes, mantras, ideas and ways to cope with the pain, hope, self-growth, self-care, anxiety and struggles.
Let me know, if this is something you would be interested in reading and I will start recording my journey openly to everyone.