From Amber

Amber Lyne | 18 | PH | Thomasian | I write my heart out. Experiences from the past, heartaches, drama, and stress. They are all contained in this nest of mine. I use "he" to refer to people most of the time and some things written here are events that have been recorded in my old diaries years ago. I spy  happy face/s Subscribe to my feed

[fromamber]

Truth is

I don’t know what I am doing with my life right now. I am currently enrolled in a program which I genuinely believe I am not good at, but why does it seem like this is where life is leading me to? I tried to avoid at one point but it somehow takes me here.

I sincerely pray every night to just be guided and hopefully be put somewhere where I should really be and now that I am here,  I still don’t believe that this is for me. So I am basically just floating right now. I am trying to cope with everything and trying to trust Life’s ways. 

I would be lying if I said I do not enjoy the time to time challenge that it throws at  me because I really do. And although it gets the best of me almost most of the time, I still try so hard even if I do not want it as bad. Perhaps, the thrill is what keeps me going. I swear I am beyond grateful for it, but would it even be enough?

And truth is, I am just scared. I am scared that this is all just temporary and that after a year or two, I’d be in a complete mess. It makes me anxious knowing what I am going for. And what if I fail so bad to the point wherein every time I fix something another thing goes bad? Just imagining myself going through so much stress frightens me in a way I cannot explain. 

But what frightens me most right now is if tomorrow, when I wake up, will I not regret it? 

[fromamber]

Just when you thought you were sure of what you wanted...

life suddenly throws a surprise on you!

What am I talking about? You see, I am taking up BS Accountancy in the “Pontifical and Royal University” that is UST. And in our college, you either major in accounting or management accounting. Majoring in management accounting was my original plan, but turns out there is a test that must be taken during the end of the second semester of the second year which if passed, would allow you to continue your BSA program in the college. You could actually get exempted from the examination and that is if and only if you get a grade of 2.00 or higher on both of the accounting course during the 1st and 2nd semester (which is really really hard). And since being a BSA student was not really my goal, I never pressured myself to be exempted from the exam, all I did was to just study hard and do my best. Fast forward to the end of the second semester, I was not able to get exempted so I had to take the test. I was actually altady having second thoughts on whether I still should take the test or not because I knew it was hard and would just be a waste of scantron card (hehe) because I orignially really wanted to take MA. But I heard that the way the sections would be made would be based on the grades, so I decided to just take the exam anyway.

Honestly, I did not really pressure myself too much. What I did was I made sure to finish reading both of the accounting books that we had for both semesters and then just practice on a few problems which I know I am not really good at. And then if I would not be too lazy by then, I would try practicing more on the other topics. We had about 2 weeks to prepare for the test by the way. But I did not use the whole 2 weeks for studying hehe

Some of my friends asked me, what if I passed the test. I would sometimes jokingly tell them that that would be impossible and I would secretly hope (in my mind) that it would not happen because if that happens, I would (for sure) be confused on what I would really take.

Fast forward to the day of the test, guess what. I almost got late for the test because HELLO Manila traffic. But good thing I was able to arrive on time and still had a few minutes to just prepare myself. The test was good for three hours and after 3 days ( I think ) the results were released and a friend told me that I passed. I ACTUALLY passed. My first reaction was more of sad because now I really did not know what I want anymore. I was really confused. I even doubted the test and myself. But of course, I was also glasd because it made me feel like I’ve actually achieved something...

So after a 1 week of thinking and contemplating, I decided to just continue my program. It would seem stupid to be given such a blessing and chance to further challenge myself if I would let it slip away.

A few months ago, I was really sure of something I wanted... but life suddenly wanted to change my mind, so I was stuck in a position of indecisiveness. And now, everything i told myself is completely different from what I am telling myself now. Challenge accepted! *insert Barney Stinson’s meme here*

[fromamber]

But to see you smile was the best of it all Tell me you’re happy Then I will go

[fromamber]

Where am I headed to?

Turning eighteen has got to be one of the (if not THE) phases in your life when you start questioning what you are actually doing with your life.

I was lying in bed one night, just waiting to get drowsy and just sleep already. And as I was about to close my eyes,i suddenly got out of my be and told myself “I’m so fucked up”. I suddenly started thinking what would I be doing with a course which I don’t think I could be really good at. Would I even be confident with what I would be doing in the future? I though I was the only one. But with a lengthy conversation with a few good friends, I guess I am not the only one. To you who thinks he is quite unsure of what he’s doing with his life yet, don’t worry too much. 

You may think that all your other friends have planned out their life so well and there you are so left out with being an adult, but you have to stop thinking about them.  I even know someone who my friends and I thought was so sure of the career she’s been wanting to pursue for like forever, but now she’s not even sure of it anymore. So trust me, you are not alone in this. And no, your life is not ruined just because you have no idea of where you’re even going to apply to when you get out of school.

 But what does an eighteen year old know anyway, right? I’m just a college student who does not even have a concrete plan on what she’s going to do after college. Yes, it’s true. But hey, why should I be too hard on myself? Why should I stress myself out on something I cannot really control. All I could really do right now is to decide  on what I really want to do-- what I want to be. No detailed plan, no promises to myself. Just small steps towards my goals. And maybe, the rest will follow. But of course, there’s no harm in trying to plan everything out. Perhaps not every single thing on your “road to the future me” would go so well, but still, it’s a step forward. 

Don’t pressure yourself too much into planning your future. If today, you’re still confused, that’s okay. Maybe after a month or two, you’ll find yourself all sorted out for the years to come. Or maybe not, and that’s okay too. Take your time and always remember that everybody goes through it. It may not even be a one time thing. You may even find yourself confused for the second time around after being so sure before. When you’re twenty five feeling like you’re stuck in a job that’s never going to progress; on your 32nd birthday realizing you haven’t invested much on stocks and properties like what your other colleagues have been doing; when you reach forty five and a slight frustration hits you because you weren’t able to have fun the past years and here you are reevaluating your decisions. It’s not a one time thing.

The important thing is you are trying and know where your determination is for.. And sometimes, that’s one of the biggest steps you could take to know what you want to do with your life. Now, that’s a plan!

[fromamber]

To 2015

Ups and downs. So much for downs. I cannot say you were the best because honestly, we all say that to every year. But anyway, I"ve had great times with you. I cried so much by the way. Ah, the stress. I've dealt with all kinds.

I turned eighteen during your time. I guess that makes you a bit more special than the others. Year by year, I'm getting more serious with things and I don't know if it's the good kind of serious, seriously. But your year, I've been the most serious. Colder. Less fun.

But I've gain more friends. Gain more fun? Ah I'm not quite sure about that. If I may say, I've: 1.been less materialistic 2. more realistic 3. and deadly honest to a few people who need it ( you know, cutting all the drama and just being real)

I know I'm wiser now. I like this version of me. This is all thanks to you, 2015. Thank you and good bye, 2015.

So here's to you. Cheers!

[fromamber]

A Letter

I'm going to write you a letter...but I will not send it to you. I'm going to write you a letter but it wont be for you. No, it's for you. No, it's for me. It's for you. A letter to say goodbye. A letter to let everything go. It is for me. A letter to make myself feel better; to free me. A letter to remind me of what has already been done. This is going to be short. This won't take too long so I hope you read it. I am okay. I want you to know that. I am not happy, but I am okay. This is to say good bye. So, good bye

[shinimegami]

[fromamber]

If I was the One who Broke Your Heart

If I was brave enough…stupid enough. I could’ve broken your heart. If I was the one who broke your heart, maybe I wouldn’t have cried the moment I got home that day then…then the memory of you wouldn’t be as painful as it had been.

If I was the one who hurt you, your friends probably would not have laughed at me whenever we crossed paths and the embarrassment I felt for holding on when you clearly wanted to leave would not have stuck with me for months.

If I was the one who made you cry, some people–strangers, would not have looked at me with such great pity whenever they saw me walking alone as if the only thing I did with my life was to sulk in sadness.

If I was the one who left first then I would have felt victorious and felt proud for not being hurt. If I was the one to hurt you first, I would have hurt you, really bad. Deep in your heart, with your soul feeling broken apart.

But that was not the case. You were the one who was able to leave first. You were the one who broke one’s heart. The one who inflicted pain to the one who struggled for her smile to be regained.

And maybe, it’s better that I was the one hurt because if I was the one who broke your heart, I would not have lived peacefully with a spiteful memory.

[fromamber]

Why I Stopped Talking To You

It was a long and tiring day. I opened my inbox to see if there were any messages from you. There were quite a few. For a moment there, I forgot why I stopped checking for messages. But as I saw a phrase I didn't quite like, I remember it all. Why I don't miss you all this time. "She does not fit with us" If it was any other day, I would have just disregarded the letter and acted like it's okay. But no, today was not just any other day. I was dead tired and that remark was not something that I needed more to top my day off. I tried taking it off my mind, but I just couldn't. This has to stop. I don't feel good when I hear tactless words from people who I know could be better than that. Truth is, I don't blame you. That's just you. And this is me. And you do not deserve someone who cannot stand to be around you anymore but still acts like she can. And I do not deserve someone who brings out nothing but the worst in me (though, of course that's not entirely your fault) and shows nothing but disguised acts. So this is where I stop talking to you And this is where I stop talking about you.

[fromamber]

Never leave me You and I--it's all I could see Promise me it's just us I stayed with all my trust And I held on to your hand so tight But you left me You left me

[fromamber]

Why Getting a Broken Heart was One of the Best Things That  Happened to Me

(These are some of the things that I realized because of my first real heartbreak. My opinions may differ from yours. But these are just MY opinions.)

Remember when you had your heart  broken for the first time? All those crying and listening to Avril Lavigne's songs (I'm a fan okay haha)...it was such a sad sad time.

Should I cut my hair? I bet he'll notice. Maybe I should get a little exercise? Oh god there he is, he might see me and think that I'm following him or something... maybe I should just go on a different path?

I shouldn't state the obvious but we just have to admit that being left/leaving (by) someone who was once upon a time a person who was so special to you, is awful. Mine was. But if I were to look on the brighter side of it, it was somehow a good thing because I realized that:

1. I was so immature Remember when some would tell you that no matter how many times or farther you push him away, if he really loves you he will never ever get tired of trying to understand you? No? Or maybe that being cold towards him was okay? No?  Well that's what I've told myself back then. That's just so wrong. It was so immature of me to keep pushing him away and so he just went on his way. I kept acting cold towards him just for the sake of doing so. I only know now that maybe I just wasn't ready to be in a relationship with someone...not just yet.

2. If something already feels wrong in the first place, it might mean it's really wrong From the start, we already had many arguments and we weren't even officially together yet! I used to cry on such petty fights but at the end of the day (or week!) I still held on to believing that maybe he's going to change when we finally become a real couple. But then I finally figured out that once you felt that he's a heartbreaker, he's always going to be a heartbreaker (not necessarily a heartbreaker in everything, maybe just in some things). And I had to learn that the hard way.

3. There are actually far worse things that could've happened to me,but here I am still alive and breathing Getting hurt seemed like death to me at first but I survived. I became okay. Yes, it's a pain that isn't physical at all. It cannot be healed by any kind of medicine. It's the kind of pain that is deep within your soul. But I knew that it was something I could control. I can make it not go any deeper. And I learned that it was something that could never kill me if only I didn't let it.  I breathed everything with the pain and with the pain that I felt, I knew I was still alive. I am alive and I've got a new story to tell the world.

It's so cruel to get hurt when all you ever wanted to do was to love and be loved. Though you may not know it just yet, it's going to be something you'll laugh about. It's a memory that will make you devour on the wonderful moments of the future.

Yes, getting my heartbroken by the guy I first fell inlove with was one of the best things that had ever happened to me.

[fromamber]

-fromamber.tumblr.com

[fromamber]

April 10 2015 : “Ano Bibilhin mo?”

As I was walking on my way back to my place, my mind was filled with what happened during my Finance class– I recited the wrong answer! What even made me feel terrible was the fact that someone was able to give the correct answer. I could feel my anxiety eating me up. I easily get anxious on a lot of things and I hate that. Even after I was able to eat my dinner, I still kept thinking about that incident. So to make myself feel better, I bought ice cream!

“Ano bibilhin mo?”, the little boy asked whoever he was with

“Kape lang”, he answered back.

I got my treat and lined up at the cashier. Coincidentally, the boy whose voice I’ve heard was in front of me and I suppose he was with his dad. I looked at the boy and saw him eyeing on the lane where chips were placed. It was that local sweet corn chips he was really looking at. He then shyly asked his father if he could buy it for him.. his dad looked at his palm. Ten seconds passed and he said yes. The kid smiled and immediately grabbed it. He was so happy. I, too, was really happy for him.

I’m quite unsure of why I’m writing this. I was just really happy for him. Once I got out of the store and started my way back, I, for awhile, actually forgot why I even bought myself an ice cream. Ah, that recitation. Why was I even agonized by a mistake no one probably even cared about anyway? I don’t know. But all I know is that I got over it. And it’s not even because of that ice cream!

[fromamber]

The 3 Types of Friends I’m Trying To Let Go Of

1. The friend who loves bringing people down

There has never been a day when you hung out with this friend that she didn’t pick on someone. It seems like she has this need to make herself feel better by letting the people around her that they’re not good enough. And one more thing, all she probably ever cares about is herself. Well you know what? I cannot, anymore, deal with this crap. 

2. The friend you keep on trying to catch up with but it’s just so difficult because  both of you are far too different

You try to ask what she’s up to and you both just answered each other with “I’m fine”. You want to ask her if she would want to hangout and just catch up with what’s happening with your lives but then come to think of it, what would you be talking about? “This iced tea is really cold.” “Uhm, the fries are so crispy yet soft in the inside.” “What’s taking the server so long to get the receipt??” Thank God all those things were just in your head, it would have been more uncomfortable to talk about how many ice cubes were put in the tea because it was just too cold (you know, just like how cold your friendship actually is).  So you just end up saying it was nice catching up with her and hope you see her soon (not really). At least that’s better than replying with a big “thumbs up”, right?

3. The friend you can never really count on to give you just a bit of your time when you’ve always been the one giving yours

She invites you to eat at this new restaurant she just discovered so you immediately just forget about the things you have to do today and just go with her. It was fun.Then one day, you’ve come up with the idea to go somewhere maybe just talk about anything and just relax. It’s a sudden idea, if you put it that way. So you invite this friend and she says it sounds like a great idea. Of course you get more excited than ever! But the lifespan of that plan was just as sudden as the time you thought about it. Five minutes haves passed and that’s all there is to it. Your friend never really bothered to ask more about it or even bother making an effort to actually make it happen. It’s a dead end. Five minutes have passed and that’s all there is to it. Just a plan. 

It’s good to know you have a lot of friends. But if those friends aren’t actually doing you any good or you’re always the only one working on it, then I think it’s just best to let go. You can’t keep on holding on to someone whom you can’t really count on. Any relationship should always be a give and take and it should never be toxic to you. You deserve better than that. I deserve better than that. 

[empresspinto]

hey guys, hope your skin is clear and you get a text from someone you like real soon.

also that your lunch tastes good, you find twenty dollars on the ground, and that thing coming up that you were dreading turns out not so bad

[loren-vance]

Passing this good karma

[pocketsofroses]

I reblogged this 3 days ago and my skin got clear and I got a message from a guy who refers to me as queen yesterday. Good karma vibes all around.

[fromamber]

To the girl who has not forgiven herself

You smile and give a slight laugh as they talk about what happened. All their words weren’t really processing well inside your head because all you could ever think of was how much more you could have done to save yourself the heartbreak–to give it a statement of happily ever after. You could not help but remind yourself of the signs you missed and the chances you didn’t take. That maybe, you could’ve said more “I love you’s”. Perhaps, you could have given him more of your smiles, reminded him more of how thankful you were, and let him hold your hand more often.

But then maybe, you could have ignored him the first time he said “hi”. And by then, maybe you never would have known more about him and the thought of him being different from what people thought of him wouldn’t even cross your mind. That maybe, if you were just stronger you wouldn’t have even entertained the thought of giving it a try.

You think of all the things you could have done to save it. You could feel sorry for yourself for not doing enough (when in fact you have done everything); for ignoring the signs; for failing to listen to what other people told you; for letting him in your life. It’s a never-ending thought that no matter what you conclude in the end, it doesn’t change a thing. It never will. Because at the end of the day, you are still broken and constantly blaming yourself could never fix you.

So you have to forgive yourself. It’s okay to blame yourself for awhile, but don’t get stuck there. You have to let yourself become free from the burden of blaming yourself for a heartbreak that, perhaps, was meant to be. It cannot be undone. But what you can do is to stop it from holding you back and just let it go.

Here’s to the girl who, for the longest time, secretly blamed herself for everything. To you who had a hard time finding peace in her heart. Who deserved all the comfort she needed when she was flooded with all her regrets. You have to remember that soon, if not now, you have to forgive yourself. And I hope that when that day comes, you would never have to feel sorry for yourself ever again.

Here’s to you.

[fromamber]

Just because you try to be there for everyone doesn’t mean they are going to be there for you too.

You Thought Wrong