Sorry in advance for the length—
It’s not lost on me that a lot of those complaining about Buck & Tommy’s relationship, their dynamic, and the way they communicate— like Buck flirting about daddy issues instead of having a serious conversation about Tommy’s poor relationship with his father or Tommy returning that energy in kind— are not queer men or men-aligned or adjacent. And many of them are— I dunno— projecting, I guess, what they would want from a man in a relationship, if they were in this relationship.
This is why so many of their analyses include comments about what’d be a dealbreaker for them or what they’d rather see in a partner for them or how they, as a non-man, are turned off by X-Y-Z things men do or say, but in a relationship with a non-man. It all completely ignores that 1.) neither man is a self-insert, and 2.) these complainers would never be a party in this relationship because they aren’t men or men-aligned or adjacent. They aren’t just forgetting that Buck isn’t a self-insert, but that he is a man, Tommy is also a man, and they are into each other because they’re both men. Their dynamic and their relationship is different than the dynamic and relationship between a man and a non-man.
Not being queer men (or men aligned or adjacent) is coloring their interpretation of Buck & Tommy’s relationship, leading to critical— and homophobic— misinterpretations of their dynamic. For example, I bet NONE of them understand that, anymore, “daddy” is so wide spread, it isn’t inherently a sexual term or inherently related to kink. Among a lot of queer men today, a “daddy” generally or usually just refers to an attractive older gay man. Yes, it commonly is used to refer to an older gay man who might support, mentor and/or sleep with younger or newer men entering the community, but, anymore, that is not inherently or always so. The term “daddy” and the use of “daddy” is also not inherently used to refer to kink as they’ve all assumed (not to mention kink is not inherently or always sexual). Yes, it may be used to refer to one half of a BDSM daddy/boy dynamic, but— again— that is not inherently or always so. Fuck— there are guys who use it as a term of endearment and that alone. Like… the term as it’s used in popular vernacular today made the jump over from leather subculture, but its use also no longer inherently refers to leather daddies. Before its use in leather subculture, the word and similar words as a term for a man in a romantic partnership was a feature of AAVE. It then made the jump into queer vernacular through black queer men, and was used to challenge prominent ideas of masculinity by appropriating symbols of masculinity as aspects of gay sexuality.
“Daddy” does not mean the same thing to queer men as it does to them, but they are interpreting the word as if it does.
Tommy’s line did not inherently mean he hopes Buck wants to call him “daddy” during sex. It absolutely did not mean that he hopes Buck’s trauma gave him a daddy kink. There are so many interpretations of this scene, but none of the complainer’s interpretations are queer-competent interpretations because they aren’t queer men (or man aligned or adjacent). 1.) Tommy is an “older” gay man. That’s it. 2.) Buck wants to call Tommy daddy— maybe sexually (related to kink or not) or maybe just for shits and gigs or maybe as a form of endearment— and Tommy expressed he is on board. 3.) Buck has a daddy kink (sexual or not), was expressing this to his boyfriend, and his boyfriend expressed that he’d be into it. 4.) Tommy is continuing to deflect from discussing his own daddy issues. 5.) Tommy was expressing that he hopes that Buck, a man new(er) to the community, wants to romantically and sexually be with a man who is older than him. 6.) Tommy was turning Buck’s banter about daddy issues into one about age. 7.) The conversation was simply setting up Buck & Tommy’s season 8 arc. 8.) All of the above.
“I don’t like it—” “I think it’s gross—” Well, congrats! It’s not for y’all! Now stop judging a romantic and sexual relationship between two fictional men by what y’all personally would want irl and how y’all personally would feel as a non man in a irl relationship with one of these fictional men. This isn’t y’all’s fave fanfiction trope or AU or self-insert; it’s not gonna cater to y’all’s tastes and preferences. If y’all don’t like the characters and y’all don’t like the character-driven plot because y’all are not seeing two men kiss in the way y’all prefer, then stop watching. Please. Stick to AO3 and fanfiction and your non-canon ship if y’all are so miserable.
Like, yeah, I bet y’all wouldn’t interact with a man that way, y’all wouldn’t converse with a man that way, y’all wouldn’t want a man to talk to y’all that way, y’all wouldn’t banter with a man that way, y’all wouldn’t be attracted to a man that way, y’all wouldn’t want a man to like y’all that way, y’all wouldn’t flirt with a man that way, y’all wouldn’t want a man to flirt with y’all that way, y’all wouldn’t date a man that way, y’all wouldn’t have dinner with a man that way, y’all wouldn’t want a man that way, and y’all wouldn’t fuck a man that way because y’all aren’t queer men (or man aligned or adjacent), y’all aren’t Evan Buckley, and— whether y’all want to believe it or not— an mlm relationship ain’t about y’all.
—sincerely, a queer man who saw a post where the OP said they’d STONE (“pelt him with rocks until he dies”) Tommy if he ever made a daddy issues joke on a date with them because they don’t like when men view women’s trauma as something they can exploit for sex…
I’m also convinced none of these individuals have ever been in an adult relationship, because how is that a proportional response? And the homophobia of stoning a gay man? You cannot separate this from the character’s context: he’s a gay man. Like hello??? Also, what a terrible way to bring up a very real and serious issue for women just to try and invalidate two fictional men’s attraction to each other. Plus… neither Buck or Tommy were exploiting one another; you are inadvertently suggesting queer men prey on men.
Uhm... don't ever fucking apologize for this!
I'm honored that you shared this with me, and now everyone can read this and hopefully take something away from it 💙
